“How should I even begin? Simply saying it was painful doesn’t do it justice. Imagine you’re alone in a dark abyss. All around is nothing but pain, death and bitterness. You want to run but you don’t have the stamina or direction. You want to hide but there is no shelter. You’re completely lost in a sea of negativity and self-resentment. Your cries can’t be heard. Your tears can’t be seen. Your suffering can’t be helped. You’ve therefore resigned yourself to a hurtful life in the hopes of becoming numb to it all. Life has abandoned you. You’re the slave to your own demise. Now amidst the darkness, there’s a single ray of light yet it’s always out of your reach. Your arm is constantly fatigued from reaching towards the distant light for years in vain.
It pains you to see your path to salvation but still wallow within your self-pity and woes. But one day the ray of light shines bright, brighter than it’s ever shone before. And from the brightness emerges a mesmerising slender figure with blonde flowing hair and blue eyes. A stark contrast to her morbid surroundings. Her presence presents you with a pure dose of positivity, a precious scarce element in your world. Her gaze meets yours and in a sweet voice she calls out to you.
You’re enchanted by her very being and before you realise it, you’ve stood for the first time in ages and are already next to her. The light that had always seemed out of reach is fingertips away. You’re so close to escaping your wretched life and embarking on a new journey of elation and freedom. You look up at her and she gives you a sincere smile whilst offering her hand to you. You know nothing about her and yet you’re sure you can place your hopes on her. Gingerly reaching out to her hand, you find yourself smiling. Her soft touch embraces you and before you know it, you’re gone.
“You find yourself standing on top of a cliff overlooking its edge. Bright hues of sunshine pour down on the forests and winding streams. The world is ablaze with a kaleidoscope of colours unknown to you. The world is beautiful. And so is she. Your saviour. She gracefully lands by your side with an air of strawberries and vanilla. In her closed hand are the most marvellous lilies which sway slowly with the spring breeze. She turns towards you and with breathtakingly startling blue eyes, reveals a smile of deep affection. That perfect smile triggers a rush of bliss into your soul. You’re finally free and what better way to spend your freedom than with such a divine entity. You’re two lovebirds swooning over each other. You transverse through various worlds creating numerous everlasting memories of one another. Never is there a second of the day in which her radiance doesn’t make you feel at home. Her angelic laugh is contagious along with her enthusiasm and vibrancy. She has you believing in God and that good things come to those who wait, that the suffering and pain was all worth it for this pure essence of heaven you’re in. A worrying dread of it ending abruptly, as if you don’t deserve such merriment, nestles within you but is eclipsed by the very moment of her being here. After all, life has never been so kind to you ever since you first entered adolescence.
“A year passes and you’re contempt with life and life is pleased for you. After restless years of induced apathy and debilitating pain in the dark depths of your existence, you’re finally at the pinnacle. It’s dark but it’s different. Within moments there will be a burst of blinding light as a long awaited comet zooms past on its own journey. You both stand at the peak of the tallest mountain, gazing at the glitter sprinkled sky. Holding hands, you both marvel at the astonishing allure of the night and pray for eternal joviality. As a distant glow appears from beyond, you steal a glance at her. Her face is wet as she smiles at the brightening light and she gazes into your eyes. Instantly, a sea of images and memories flood into you.
“A small figure stands shakily, cowering before a pair of delinquents feeling proud of their prey. She heaves and cries as they move closer towards her, casting shadows over her as dark as their intentions. Resigned to her fate, she closes her eyes and waits for the onslaught which doesn’t come. Instead, when she opens her eyes she is protected by a small group, shielding her from the fleeing duo. The young male at the centre turns around and tells her she’s safe. You see your own younger face smiling down at her with an outstretched hand, offering salvation from her demons.
“She’s a couple of years older now, much more feminine and much happier. She’s learnt about the power of friendship, how close friendships give you a sense of importance, something to look forward to in upcoming days. She’s learnt how to smile a sincere smile that’s a product of deep affection and care from the past three years. She no longer fakes her smiles, adorning a mask born from insecurity and deep suffering. But most importantly she’s learnt how to love, which came in the form of a scrawny prepubescent black boy. Love that had carried her through her worst times. Love that lit up the darkness within her, and blossomed to the woman she is now. Love that strengthened her frail frame of a body, and gave her the courage to accept herself. Love that threatened to shatter now that she has to move away with her parents.
“Images zoom past in quick succession. She sits in a dull room, plastered with diagrams of skeletons, muscles and tissue, she’s across a man with a pained expression; her hair covers her face though her tense structure gives away her shock. She’s in a well-furbished lounge, huddled together with her parents, tears streaming down everyone’s faces. A bathroom sink is decorated with multiple boxes of multi-coloured medication. A faded photograph of 9 children sits on a bedside table, speckled with fresh tears.”
“Years have passed, as a young lady stares at her reflection in a cracked mirror. She’s returning back home. She tucks a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear and applies her mascara, highlighting her piercingly sapphire blue eyes. She’s happy, happier than she’s been in nearly a decade. Using make-up to emphasise her beauty, she hopes to rekindle her love once again. Time is not on her side so what better way is there than to live with no regrets, in her own image of heaven. She smiles a final time before she turns around, onwards to better times.
“The memories and images end abruptly as she blinks. A glimmer of despair is noticeable within her eyes, a hint of her suffering you’d overlooked blinded by your love. You find yourself embracing her before you know it. A harsh lump rises in your throat as you selfishly suppress your emotions when she has laid hers bare. How can such a beautiful soul live so miserably and yet adorn a smile so sincere? Tremors rock her body as she weeps in your tight embrace. Her warm body is a perfect fit in your arms, now you’re pleading to the heavens you never believed in for this bond to last eternally.
“The sky of midnight velvet erupts in a bright burst of cyan. The comet zooms across the dazzling atmosphere, leaving trails of glittery remains as serenity blends into chaos. The stars fade away, overshadowed by the sheer, unique splendour of the passing phenomenon. You both bask in its light, as the light reaches its climax. It burns brighter than anything you’ve ever witnessed as if fighting tirelessly against the darkness of the night and conquering it. And you can both fight too. You’ve persevered through so much; surely her sickness is an assailable hurdle, just a temporary setback to a much greater plan. You look down at her and she’s glowing, as bright as the sky. You cry and plead her not to go. You’d endure your old pain if it’s for her. You’d take her place in death if you could. You’d even forget her if it meant she’d be here for long. Torment rocks your very core as with a final wet smile she slowly fades away with the passing of the comet until you’re left in solitude once again, your only companion being the darkness of the starry night sky.”
This is my letter to you, although you’ll never read it. But if God does exist then without a doubt you’re already famous up there with your angelic presence, and in that case, I hope this reaches you. To Lily Kaylin Rose. I know I shouldn’t be depressed. I should be happy you decided to spend your remaining days with me, of all fucking people. I should move on quickly and resume my old life of hitting up girls and flirting non-stop like every other guy. I shouldn’t feel guilty as it was always out of my hands. I could never save her; I could only let it end on a positive note. My close friends will tell me all of this in hopes it would cheer me up or lessen my suffering. But as much as I truly treasure their efforts and concerns for my well-being, fuck all that. It’s not the same anymore. I’m sick and tired of this never-ending cycle of pain and endless tears.
There’s only so much I can endure in hopes of “better things coming my way”. I want to see you again. I miss our stupid conversations arguing about the incoming ant revolution. It just isn’t as captivating when it’s with others. I miss our long walks in the rain oblivious to how we’re soaked and numb from the cold. We’d end up hanging our wet clothes at the same time the next morning. I miss the subtle manner in which you’d tuck your hair behind your ears or your overly sophisticated walking which I’d comment on all the time. I just miss you so much. This is my way of fulfilling your final wish of not wanting to be forgotten. How could I ever forget you? That’s why I’ll look back on this letter in my old age and reflect on your impact on my life. You say I saved you all those years ago but you were so young. You still had hope whereas you somehow rescued a lost cause. I’ll be forever grateful to you. I love you so fucking much Lily. I love you with all my heart. May you rest in peace, my love. I’ll never forget you. Until next time.