The Someone To Hold Onto

I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming - the storm, ferociously reaching out for me, for the dormant uproar residing in those secluded, forbidden depths of my soul. I draped my arms around me, rubbing them back and forth against my skin, for some warmth. I glanced out of the window, flinching at the sight of the darkling sky. Vicious gray clouds rolled and rumbled, turning the sky into nothing but a black canvas.

I tore my gaze away from the window, unable to stare at the canvas that was mirroring the color of my soul. Somewhere behind those growling and grumbling clouds, a thunder was heard, sending chills down my spine. Another sound was heard - the sudden creaking of the door. I looked behind my shoulder, and instantly found myself regretting the decision to sit in the dark. There they were, I could feel their presence. I could feel their cold stares as they reared their ugly heads from those pits of darkness that have now let go of its abeyance.

I could feel them crawling their way up to my heart, gnawing at the wounds of my past that had barely healed. I could feel them clenching their fingers tightly around the dagger, and twisting it right in the middle of my heart, reopening the void that was gradually getting filled. But they didn't let that happen - the inner demons, the inner chaos dwelling in the depths of my black soul. And there I felt it, the void, the hollowness breathing inside me by sucking my share of air out of the lungs. And there I felt it, every bruise of the past burning on my skin. And there I saw it, the perpetual emptiness that was left behind since the day you died; the ceaseless desire to embrace death just like the way you did the moment your car smashed right into that tree. And there it was, the imperishable darkness engulfing me again.

I could feel the claws of my awakened demons circling around my throat, as my mind replayed every bit of the past that had locked my soul away with it.  I could hear their laughter, as they laughed at the way I fed my soul the lies - the lie that consoled me saying you were still alive; the lie that screamed to me that I wasn't alone; the lie that lulled me to live another day without succumbing to the darkness that had already penetrated every fibre of my soul, of my life. Beads of sweat broke along my hairline, as I could feel a voice close to my ears, the voice of my inner demons now yelling and bawling, pushing me rather dragging me into those unfathomable pits of darkness, misery and loneliness. I could feel myself shielding my ears as I lowered down on the cold marbled floor, I could feel the wails breaking violently out of me as I trembled under the burden of life- a life filled with countless shattered dreams, a hollow soul and a battered heart.

You weren't there anymore, no longer beside me, no longer to scare away the shadows of loneliness or to hush the demons living inside of me. There was no reason, the love that was my savior had died in that nasty accident, the love that piqued my will to live was annihilated the moment your heart stopped thudding against your ribs, the moment you had breath your last was the moment I lost myself somewhere to the hands of my own demons. The moment you left my side was the moment I was left all incapacitated, all crippled to live, to fight and to survive.

And now, with the incessant chaos surging through me, pulling me into the depths of nothingness, and with the demons constantly trying to yank my soul apart from me, it was tough to fight anymore, to survive anymore. The emptiness, the void that you left behind right at core of my being, was spreading like venom, coursing through my veins, leaving me debilitated to face and defeat the darkness living within me.

Why would you even try to survive, when you've nothing to hold onto? " - a voice whispered, somewhere from those secluded and forbidden corners of my bruising and battering soul. I wanted to answer, but my throat was parched as the claws of the darkness kept strangling me. I wanted to move my lips, but they were too dry and stiff.

And then, a sound was heard again, the familiar sound of creaking. I looked behind my shoulder, bringing my palms to my face as the sudden luminosity stung my eyes. Shivers erupted down my spine, as I once again saw the door creaking open - but this time, it wasn't my inner demons coming for me, this time it was the anchor to my sinking soul; the reason behind my attempts to fight and survive; the something in this vast nothingness to hold onto; the someone in this whirlpool of chaos to hold onto - my baby boy.

Tiny arms went around my cold shoulders, as I felt the soft pecks on my cheeks, and almost instantly I could feel the darkness creeping its way back to its hidden place. I could feel the claws of the demons disentangling from my throat, giving the air back to my lungs. I pulled him into my lap, and the shadows of loneliness was disappearing, giving me the momentary respite of joy back. His tiny fingertips ran across the dried stains of tears, and the chaos that was surging inside of me was going back to reign its dormancy again. I looked into his eyes - the big brown ones that he got from his father, and I could find myself willing to survive, rather than drowning under the weight of the life.

This boy, resting in my lap with nothing but smile etched across his face, was the reason that salvaged me every time from the hands of my demons; this boy was the reason, that pushed me to weave my way out of those pits of darkness and live this life. This boy, was the sole savior of me now amid the perpetual phases of emptiness and grief. Perhaps, you had known that I wouldn't be able to shackle my demons all by myself. Perhaps, that's why you left the remembrance of our love with me, along with the void and misery.

"Look at the sky, mommy! " - the boy in my lap shrieked. I glanced out of the window tentatively, this time flinching when the hues of purple and orange were being painted across the sky. The storm was fading, even though there were traces of black here and there, it was fading; giving the sky its vibrancy back. "You want to go and play in the park, sweetheart? " - I asked, tickling his stomach. And right then and there, I knew it, I knew the storm had been averted, the rumbling chaos inside of me had gone back into the confinement of the forbidden depths of my soul. And for the time being, I knew I could stare right into the eyes of my demons and scare them away, for I have rediscovered my reason to fight and defeat them.

"I would be holding onto you for the rest of my life, love.. " I mumbled pressing my lips gently to his forehead, as I hauled him into my arms while the giggles of my baby boy - the sole anchor to my sinking soul, reverberated across the room, imparting the will to fight, and to survive the life crammed with nothing but abiding emptiness and darkness.