Marriage- The Story Of A Groom

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments; love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark

 Sonnet , 116 – William Shakespeare 

 

Marriages are made in heaven. At least this is what I have been listening since long. Our faith tells us that it’s the bondage for the seven lives and not just this one. Every one of us goes through this process of seeking life partner. One embarks upon a different journey after marriage. Different societies have different ways and methods. In our society, its mostly two people who have known each other for a short while get into wedlock. Well, with advances in education and the evolving job scenarios, things are changing a bit. The story I am telling you happened sometime in late eighties (1985-87). 

I was doing my Post Graduation in IIT Madras. One of our friend had completed his Doctoral thesis and had got a job in Bangalore. It was about a year after he left, on some Sunday he suddenly appeared in the campus. He met our group (the group he and I were part of) in the evening. He told he has come to meet his guide to discuss about the work he is associated with and will be leaving after few days. We were enquiring about his job and his stay in Bangalore etc. While discussing he mentioned he got married and he felt sorry for having not communicated. He said it all happened in a very short time and he could not call any one of his friends for marriage, it was only the families that were present. All of us wished him best and started the usual nagging, asking about his wife and post married life.

He told the story with lot of smile on his face. After having completed, BE in Civil Engineering, his family was eager to get him married even before he was settled. He had a job in a small contracting firm then. So he started looking for the bride to be. It was to be an arranged marriage. He was a very potential Engineer, so he had lots of requirements from the girl. Like he would expect her to be beautiful like Sridevi or some other Film Actress. He would look for eyes of Padmini, the body of Madhubala, child like face of Vidya Sinha and many things. This is nothing usual for young aspiring candidate. 

He kept on seeing many girls and lost count. He told may be at least about two hundred girls he might have seen, but somehow he could not select anyone. One or the other requirements he had would be missing in a girl and he would not decide. In the meanwhile, he had secured admission for his post-graduation in IIT Madras. He said, he had gone during his first semester to look for girls for marriage. But then found the academics too demanding and stopped thinking about the marriage. After completion of M.Tech again for a short spell, he continued his search for his life partner because of pressure from his family. But once again nothing materialised. This time around though he gave nod for a few girls, it seems the girls were not interested. He told he felt rejection for the first time. 

He got into Doctoral research and completely forgot about the marriage. Though the family did try to pressurize him, he was committed to the research. He used to tell stories about his visits to the girl’s house for selection. He would narrate how they would glorify the girl’s virtues, some would put her as an excellent cook, some would portray her as an excellent dancer or singer and what not. The type of dishes they ate during the visits; the kind of Dowry offers he would get. He would recount those during some of our evening talks. He told on one occasion, one of his friend who went along with him, selected the girl after he rejected her and went on to marry her. His friend is very happily married now. It seems he did not have to do any searching at all. On one or two occasions the girl had met him and asked him why he is not accepting her. He had to excuse himself to come out of the conversations. 

The visits to see a girl happen on auspicious occasions and there are processes to be followed. The processes vary from community to community, place to place. It very much depends on the groom and Brides family and their inclinations. Some would be more rigid or orthodox, some would be sticklers for the processes. Some of them would not like the girl and the boy to talk in front of elders. Some would simply reject the boy or girl because they did not do such and such thing during the visit. And some don’t care for the processes and the religious things. They would care more for the habits and behaviours of the boy and their family. They would enquire more with others on the family traditions, strengths and good aspects. 

Some would dwell more on the properties like how many acres of irrigated land the boy’s family owns, how much of the land share will the boy get, how many houses they have, how large is the family etc,. Some would request the boy the salary slip to prove the salary. Some would visit his company to ensure he is employed and enquire with his friends about the habits. It was fairly easy to know the habits of the boy those days. He said, father of one of the girls went to the extent of getting all his land records, house property records and talked to at least a dozen of his friends before allowing them to come and see the girl.

This is the time when some of us would come to know our sub-caste or religion. India is huge country with umpteen number of religions castes and creeds. Even today, with all the learnings and knowledge, we still adhere to our castes and sub-castes. I am born into a family that is following Digambar Jainism. When I was on the lookout for my life partner, we visited a girl’s family. During the introduction the Girl told they belong to Pancham sub cast. I saw my uncle and others face turned slightly off. I could not understand the reason. Anyway the girl was too young for me and conveyed the same to the family. The girls family had liked me and were trying to convince me that age difference ( which was about Nine years) should not matter. 

After completing the formalities after coming out of their house, my uncle started arguing with one of the persons who had actually brought us to the girl’s house. They were arguing that, we belong to Chaturth sect which is higher class than Pancham Sect and how could he bring us to the girls house. That was the time, I came to know that our family belonged to Chaturth Sect. 

Till today I don’t understand the differences. We all pray to same God, follow the same rituals and processes but then this sub-sect, I don’t understand the reason. Till the last Tirthankara Mahaveera there was one Jainism. Later we had two , Digambar and Shwetambar. I don’t know whether Mahaveera would have agreed or preached for this separation. We keep dividing ourselves further into sub sects. We forget the larger cause or the principle and follow the smaller ones. 

Let’s come back to our main story. After completing his PHD, he got a job offer in Bengaluru( then Bangalore). Again, he started looking for his life partner. His family was very eager, now that he has completed Doctorate and has a decent job, must get married fast as he is getting past marriageable age. All this is valid in our part of the world. Elsewhere, we do hear there are no age limits for marriage. Here also we don’t have limits but then your chances get reduced as you age unless you fall in love. 

He said this time around, he had lesser options and many girls rejected him, citing the age difference et all. After some searching he met with a success and a girl accepted him and the marriage took place. He and his family had discussed and he wanted it to be a family affair only. So they got wed locked in a temple in the presence of near and dear ones. He did not invite his friends. That’s the reason we did not come to know. 

He said, during the marriage he came to know about the religious practices he had never heard of, probably one time things. He also said there are things that one wishes did not exist like doing the Sashtanga Namaskara alongwith wife to all the elders in the village after the marriage ceremony is over. He said, both of them could not stand the next day. It was like performing a thousand Surya Namaskaras in one day. 

The name calling was something he enjoyed it seems. It’s a traditional thing, in Kannada it’s called Urutane, where the groom takes the brides name in a poetic way and the Bride reciprocates. It has to be something funny and at the same time pleasing to the other one. This has to happen in front of family members. Basically it’s an ice breaking process. For example

        “”Moon is cool and round, and so is my XXXXX round faced and cool”” 

        “Sun shines the world and my XXX shines my life””

        “A kite has a tail that follows and I have a wife ------- that tail me everywhere””

         

He said the best part is when they were all alone for the nuptial night after all the religious processes were over. It was late in the evening when both of them were literally shoved into the bedroom by their relatives who were still present in the house. They had a very huge parental house in village and the family was big. It was the first time since their marriage the two were face to face and all to themselves. No one to see, question or taunt. 

He was just sitting on the Bed and she had brought him milk filled silver glass, a tradition that is followed till now. The first question she asked him very politely was “ You came to see me five years ago and rejected, but agreed to marry now. What changed in me that you agreed now? In fact, I have added weight, I am no more very young but you have agreed.”’

He said he almost frowned, frankly he did not remember that he had seen her before. He mustered courage and told her,”Dear, this time around it was not me who selected but it’s you who have accepted me. When I started looking for a bride after PHD, I faced rejections. I understood I had gone past the stage of selection and was looking for acceptance. I thank you for accepting me. I have no memory of having seen you, as in that phase I had seen many girls and somehow it never happened.”

All of us just looked at him and laughed. Such is the life. We do not know what’s in store for us. Who meets whom, who marries whom and so on and so forth. The mysteries of life are many. But one thing I have learned after many years of married life. Life is a compromise. One need to be flexible to others needs, others feelings and or others likes and dislikes. It’s never ever possible to get all things that you desire rolled up in one person and that person to agree to marry you. Even so, a journey of life is bound to change your desires or feelings. What you liked as a young person you may not like as you grow up. So, accepting diverse things, being accommodative, being tolerant and at times sacrificing your desires are what form the strong pillars of long and loving married life. It takes two to tango and one wrong move to tangle.