It has been more than a year since that fateful evening when everything spun out of control. The world that I had created with perseverance and care came crashing down. The embers of that night still flash in front of my eyes.
It has been a year and I have tried healing, finding balms and ointments to cure the pain that my soul endures. I will not bore you with what happened, tragedies are private affairs. I will entertain you with my failed attempts of getting back up and crashing down into a plume of smoke that I had breathed out. The first time around I looked for intimacy, the kind that my body craves. Yet, when I did indulge in the pleasure of flesh I found that it was only skin deep. My heart ached, my soul craved. Nothingness and a void within looking for an escape.
It is said that in the hardest of times, maybe a conversation could help. Hence, I burdened my close friends. I saw their hearts render the pain in their eyes, yet all they had to offer was a sympathetic ear. They couldn't take this perilous journey with me. They had their own nightmares keeping them up at night.
When one is all out of options, one does not contemplate death. One wonders at the futility of the whole exercise and whether to do it all over again. What do you look for then? Hope, belief, faith! Maybe, contemplate at the motivation of the person looking through a ledger, making entries.
The one thing I eventually understood is there is no healing, only thing left now is to forgive my own self for things that cannot be changed. Men like me do not know how to do that, even with sone understanding the magnanimity of the grand scheme of things makes it all obtuse in its nature.
And then, all it takes is the hand of my mother on my head, the smile of my father when I finally emerge from the airport. All it takes is the heart of the mother to forgive me for errors unbeknownst.
Nothing much changes with the peace inside, for now, I can see again all the chaos outside. Someday, I will not have answers, nor questions. Just the silence to have a conversation and find peace within and outside at the same time.
Someday, you shall complete me.