“Just…. take me away”

December 31, 2020

Thursday

11: 50 pm

Dear Diary

My hands are trembling…..My eyes can’t focus properly, they are swollen, dry….. They have shredded much salty water in the past four days…. These letters, they appear blurry, fading; going away from me…..LOST....Somewhere……FAR AWAY…. My legs are shaking. Still, don’t know why I am writing this! Why am I being so restless? I can’t even think clearly! I am not insane, right? No, not till now. Ah, my wrist…. It’s painful again, how awful! The bruise on my hand is getting worse.... Nowadays, everything is worse, isn’t it? May it be the world or this house! The world has been witnessing an escalating number of unwanted events such as deaths, havoc and diseases, ever after the beginning of this year 2020. ‘4’ is not a very good number for me (2+0+2+0=4). It has never been! It is just a lost symbol of unhappiness, morose and misery! Nevertheless, can’t I write something good? Don’t I have anything else to talk about, like how was the day today, what did I have for food and something like that? Honestly, I don’t….. Precisely speaking, I can’t remember! Not only are these but there many other things in my life that I can’t remember…. Maybe they are not worth remembering, or maybe I am the one who is not worth anything! Just a piece of trash, no worth, no respect, no value. Don’t know which one among the two is correct?

This is all I can think of talking about! What else do I need to commune? Firstly, let me think.…(or at least pretend to think). Yes, I remember! I have to tell you something…. (Listen carefully). Today, Eva called on the landline. I was in the kitchen while the phone ranged. David was about to pick the phone, while I paced and leaped in front of him, pleading him to let me pick the receiver. I knew Eva was the one at the other end. She told me that she would call at regular intervals to ask about my condition and confirm my well being. She was worried about me. I picked up the receiver, while David was still standing there, besides me. His right hand pressed the back of my left shoulder gently, while his dusky eyes lay strongly upon the receiver in my hand. "I understood". I picked the receiver and told her that there was nothing to worry about. “I am (apparently) fine, I am happy. Don’t worry. We don’t have any more problems. He is sorry…..” I put down the receiver without waiting for her reply. David left as soon I kept the receiver. I was relieved, but felt a slight cramp in my shoulder, exactly at the place where he laid his strong powerful hand.

“I said all those words in much confidence, without fumbling or losing my voice, without any trace of sorrow or pain. Huh…What else could I have said?” I thought, while cleaning the dishes. She should have believed me this time or maybe, she still doesn’t believe me? I don’t know how the hell is she so good when it comes to catching lies, especially the lies I tell her! Again and again…. I have been repeating the same lies in front of her in the hope that one day she will believe me, but, as always she says, “Laura, dear, you don’t need to hide the truth from me, I know it happened again and this time also you are not planning to seek help from anybody? Stop punishing yourself, get out of that hell! Now, just tell me, I will come there to help you. Please Laura, for God’s sake, please… Just stop it! Or at least let me see you, ok? I will come as soon as the lockdown ends. I can meet you when he is not at home? Will that be fine?” Followed by an endless pause….. Hearing those words from a familiar, comforting voice…. Ah, I tried so hard to control myself, but I couldn’t help! Every time I talk to her, I can’t control myself from telling her EVERYTHING! 

Everything starting from the ‘start of this story’ that I created myself (the biggest regret of my life), the burden of the wedding ring that I got from his parents, the injury on my hands, legs and head, hours full of misery, tears, pleading, torture, screams and his evil laughter. The feeling of being a trash can, helpless, being used by others and then, just thrown away like I am nothing. This situation became more severe in this lockdown. He didn’t go to his office. He was not allowed to work from home and eventually he lost his job! He was frustrated, and so that brat, did this to me! He has been home for so long, slouching on the sofa with bottles of gin he bought before the lockdown. He is a bloody alcoholic. Every time he drinks, she expects me to clear his fuss and then listen to him abusing and hurting me!

What did I do wrong? Why am I supposed to live a life like this? Every time I close my eyes, I can see him….. with a spanner in his hands, walking towards me, the sound of his footsteps, loud and clear, trying to hit my head with that spanner…. I am not able to sleep for ages! Can’t talk to anybody about this! My mental condition is deteriorating with each day passing…… And now, the time has stopped…. It is exactly 12 midnight…. The clocks have stopped….. And with them my heart will also stop (I think). My life has been filled with zeroes ever after I married him; there was never any 2nd chance. 2nd chance to change my life, to get out of this hell and to get my prestige back from that bastard, who thinks that I married him to witness this mental and physical tortures……

I wish…. I wish this year to end…… The number 4…… so that I can get out of this hell….. and ‘create’ a new path for myself which will be far, far away from all the miseries, tortures and his shadows…….

Laura …..