I Can't Be Your Friend

The alarm clock on the table near to my bed peals showing 5:00 am. Still sleep refuses to come and also I don't want to sleep. I haven't slept the whole night. Because I am going home by the morning train. It has been a long time around one and half year when I had gone home last time in Durga puja vacation.

Now I am pursuing my MBA in BIITM, Bhubaneswar. Last Saturday my examination finished and this is Tuesday morning I am going home. After such a long time going back home is an immense pleasure.

Now I stand on the balcony of my hostel room looking towards the dawning sky.

Waah! Morning's charming, open-air, cool atmosphere, and the lying alone path. I always enjoy it in the early morning. I have seen many sunrises here, but today's rising sun lures me to sink in the beauty of the morning. Sun seems more thrilling and mind pleasing today than as usual. The stunning atmosphere livens my besmirched village's past memories. Nothing remains ever, but memories last forever. Memories never die. Sometimes they give us a little laugh on our lips and sometimes they wet our cheeks.

The early sun livens the sunrise at my village's riverbank. That birds twittering, especially cuckoo's coo from the nearby trees, pond heron's fishing at the riverbank , swimming geese, ferrying of the boat , babbling sounds of the flowing river, shining water, and the blowing fragrant gentle breeze beautifies the sunrise at the river bank. I can smell that fragrance.

And this lying alone path also enlivens about my village road. Evening walk with friends, passing comments to the college going girls and childhood's cycle race on the village road were the most joyful moments. That last talk with my girlfriend and proposing her at that peepal tree at the end of the road and many other secrets know my village road.

Again the alarm clock chimes out and brings me back from the past memories where I had lost for some time. I look at the clock. Ohh! It's 5:30 am. I have to go otherwise it will be late for a train. 

I take an auto and reach the railway station. It's 5:55 am now. The train will come at 6:10 am.

I wait for my favourite and beloved train which will take me home without any cost. Yeah, I usually go home on this train for free. This train doesn't ask me for money and is an intimate friend of my journey home. That's why it is my beloved and sweet friend.

In our college life, we all experience this ticketless journey by train. Actually, it's illegal, but we all do it an also we pay penalty when we are caught. Still we the students take risks and challenge to defeat the TTI and often we win. What can we do? This is the only way to save money for our girlfriend, friends, party, etc. Hahahhaha......... It's our right.

So being a student it's my duty and responsibility to save money by booking no ticket and going for free by train. Hahahaha.......

And we all know "Duty is God."

So, as usual, today I haven't bought any tickets. By the way, I have well experience in it. Also, my beloved train never asks me for money.

Ohh! I have forgotten to introduce my loving train. It has a full name, but like everyone, it has also a nickname. In Bhubaneswar, we call it"Thiruvanthpuram Express ." It comes from Thiruvanthpuram, the capital of Kerala and goes to Silchar, Assam via Bhubaneswar, Odisha. And in between, its path my home comes at Bhadrak district of Odisha. It takes just two hours fifteen minutes from Bhubaneswar to Bhadrak to reach.

Paannn......Paannn.....

The Thiruvananthapuram express comes. My ears listen to the announcement.

"Your attention please, train number 12507, Thiruvanthpuram central - Silchar superfast express have arrived on platform number 1."

The announcement continues in three languages i.e. English, Hindi, and Odia. Thiruvananthapuram Express stops on the platform. Everyone hurries to get into the train. I also walk towards the train. 

Suddenly I hear her name. My foot stop. My ears surprise. I hear her name after a long time. I hadn't been heard her name for seven years almost.

I turn back and see.

"Ananya, Ananya,..come my little girl. The train has come my baby. We have to go. ", A mother calls her little girl.

And I understand she is not my Ananya. But after a long time listening to her name awakens our past school days that we had spent together. I look that little pretty girl for some time and I see my childhood's little Ananya in her.

"Paannn..paannn..." , the Thiruvanthpuram express alarms the passengers to leave the station and also the announcement alarms the passengers.

I take my eyes back from that little cute Ananya. I take my luggage and get into the train. I get a window seat.

"Paannn.. .Paannn..." the Thiruvanthpuram express leaves the station. People standing on the platform say bye to their Kith and kin with a large smile on their face and some have tears in their eyes. Some are happy to leave the station and some are sad to let them go. Also, some people failed to catch the train and some still run to catch. Meanwhile, my " Journey TO Home " starts.

Getting a window seat on a train is a wish for many while we go on a journey. Also, a girl sitting next to you or in front of you is a wish for many young boys like me. I got that chance without a ticket. Yes, yes, yes,...I feel lucky. Waah! Morning's blowing gentle breeze. It's the best feeling of a journey ever. But I am not lucky enough that getting a girl sitting near to me or in front of me.

Anyway, I am going home on my favourite train and it's enough.

The train begins to run fast. I take a look inside the train. My eyes fall upon the passengers. They all are busy with their own matters. Some of them are sleeping, some are eating, some are talking and some are sitting quietly. Most of the passengers are from different states as the train is passing through many states. They are talking in Malayalam, Telugu, Hindi, Odia, Bengali, and Assamese languages. And I can understand Odia and Hindi well and Bengali a little as it's a native language to my mother tongue Odia.

Meanwhile, I see that black coat wearing TTI coming from the next compartment. Oh shit, Today my bad luck is worse. What will I do now? Yeah, that's an old idea. Go and hide in the toilet until the TTI will have gone. I rush towards the toilet and open the door and see the toilet is already reserved. I mean passengers like me without tickets have already applied that old idea. What will I do now? I rush to the other compartment and sit on a window seat again. But this time a girl is sitting in front of me. Hahaha, this wish also fulfilled. I feel lucky. I look towards her.

And then what I see, I become dumb. Time stops for sometime. Everything knows as stopped. I stare at her without blinking. She talks by phone and it knows that she is talking with someone special about an interesting topic. She smiles. But my eyes look her as before in my childhood. That dark and long bedazzling hair, antic eyes, dimpling cheeks with a heart stealing smile and that black mole on her upper lip make me dumb and eye-opening.

Oh, What a surprise! I can't believe my eyes! She is sitting exactly in front of me. Ananya is sitting in front of me. No, I can't believe it. My mouth is open. I blink my eyes again and again and rub my eyes with my hands. Is it a dream? Again and again, I look at her in astonishing eyes. I close my one eye with my hand and the other eye open and look at her, but she is the same girl. She is my Ananya. She suspects me that,'' Why am I looking at her in an awkward way?". She adjusts her clothes. She can't recognise me. Her eyes go on suspecting me. How can she recognise me? After all, we meet after seven years almost. I can recognise her because I follow her on facebook by my fake ID which she doesn't know. But still, I can't believe it. So to confirm that she is sitting in front of me I get an idea. I pinch her hand. She looks at me. An angry look. "Hey, do you remember me ?", I ask.  And then ?????

My left cheek gets the touch of her soft hand. Hahahaha.......she slaps me. Then I confirm and believe my eyes that she is my Ananya and she is sitting in front of me. She scolds me, "Nonsense, idiot, stupid and bla bla bla ..." I show my teeth. I didn't even think in my dream that we will meet again in such a way.

Then I explain her with a humble request.

I beg sorry. I say holding my ears," sorry Madam, I think you are my childhood friend. So, I did it. Really I am so sorry. Actually, you look like her and I didn't see my childhood friend for a long time. So I mistakenly thought you were her. I am really sorry. "

She says, "Idiot".

"Same to you.", I murmured and smiled.

Hahahaha..she doesn't change at all. Ohh! That angriness on the nose still exists.

Meanwhile, that black devil enters again and my heartbeat gets a speed. Yeah, the TTI enters into our compartment saying " Ticket ?" He checks everyone. But this time I can't go to the next compartment because after a very long time I have found Ananya sitting in front of me. I am helpless. Today I will lose my pocket money. Don't care. But it will be a shame for me if I am caught without a ticket in front of her. What to do? What to do? I get worried. If Ananya is not here, it will not be a worry for me at all.

Meantime I look at Ananya and find her worried face. She looks again and again that TTI. Why is she worrying?

TTI asks the passengers, "Ticket, ticket?" The TTI just around 3 metres away from us.

Oh my God! What will I do?

I look at Ananya again. I can see her worried face and feared eyes. She holds her fingers as if someone does in fright.

"Ticket, ticket? ", The devil asks. Her face shows anxiety. Ohh! I can't see her worry. What may be the reason behind this? I suspect her. Perhaps she does have a ticket. Now it's our turn for ticket checking. The TTI asks Ananya, "Ticket? " Ananya looks at him with her eyes wide open. I confirm that she has no ticket. Her antics and stealing eyes seem like a little girl's feared eyes. Not crying but full of tears almost. Again the TTI asks but with a loud voice this time, "Ticket? "

This is the time for the hero's entry. I can't see her worry like this at all. And we all know that the hero is always mightier than the devil in all stories. The hero has always a way to overcome the challenges. So I get an idea to save my heroine from that black devil.

I see a man having a ticket in his pocket sitting near to me. His half of the ticket is outside of his pocket. And what then ????

You just think. What will I do? Yeah, you think right. I decide to steal that ticket. I think for some time. Is it right? Then I think, " Everything is fair in love and war. "  

Then for the first time in my life, I steal. I steal the gentleman's ticket. I realize how love is powerful. Then I also realize that love can also make you a thief. Hahahhaha......... Ufff ... the poor gentleman will suffer for me today.

Doing no late I give the stolen ticket to Ananya and say, " Madam take your ticket. It fell down. " She stares at me. Again I tell, " Take it. " She takes the ticket and shows it to the TTI. The TTI spares her. Now it's my turn.

The TTI asks me and that poor gentleman for a ticket. The gentleman searches his pocket for the ticket, but can't find it. The gentleman becomes surprised. I smile a little.

And then what ????? The TTI scolds us both. He imposes a fine of Rs.500 on each of us. For the first time, I got caught in my beloved train. The TTI goes. But the gentleman is still searching for his ticket. Hahhahaha.....sorry gentleman.

Then Ananya says, " Hey. "

I listen to her but pretend as I have not heard.

She again calls, " Hello."

I reply, "who? , Me. "

She says, " yes, you. "

I say, "what? "

She says, " sorry ."

I reply," sorry, but for what? "

She tells, " I took you as a bad boy. I am sorry. You gave your ticket for me and save me from blame. TTI scolded and fined you for me. I am sorry. "

I smile a little and say, " It's ok . But why didn't you buy a ticket? "

She replies, " Actually I was in a hurry and the train was about to leave. So I couldn't do the ticket. "

I say, "ok. So, where are you going? "

She says, " To meet someone. "

Then a little funny conversation goes on.

After some time she sleeps leaning to the window.

I keep on looking at her eyes. I don't know when I will meet her again. Who knows what life will show us tomorrow. Let me see her full of my heart. The wind coming through the window plays with her shiny and dark hair and covers her face. Oh my dear wind, please blow gently and let her sleep. Don't grab this opportunity from me and let me see her till the train stops. When I see her I fall in love again and again with her cuteness. My heart's Bluetooth gets connected with her heart. It's unstoppable. My eyes only want to see her and arms need a hug of her. But it's not possible now. I wish it would be. Oh dear wind, please be cool and mild for a while more and let me see her a while more. I keep on looking at her magnetic sleeping eyes and sink in the old memories where we were together.

Then we were in 10th standard.

"Goutam, Goutam. Wake up yaar. Sir is watching us. Wake up na." , Ananya pushed me.

"Let me sleep, Anu", I murmured.

"This is class. Not your bedroom.", She replied.

" Where I sleep is my bed. ", I told.

"You will never change, ok", she said and smiled.

" What is the friend who changes." , I whispered.

It was the fourth period and the lecture was on geography. It was beyond my tolerance. So I slept.

The class finished and another boring chapter completed. The bell rang. It was time for recess.

In school, recess carries a good memory always.

I didn't bring any tiffin box for recess. But I ate daily. Because Ananya brought extra tiffin for me. I had a daily share of her tiffin box.

"Goutam, Goutam. Where are you?" , Anu called.

"Here I am .", I replied.

"Let go yaar and have something", she told.

Then we went and I opened her tiffin box.

I was very hungry. She had aloo cutlet and sandwiches in her tiffin box. Water came out of my mouth after seeing food. Oh! So good and I knew her mother cooks very well. I couldn't control my hungry stomach and began to eat as fast as I could. I ate almost half of the sandwich and some aloo cutlet. She stared at me. I didn't look at her and I was in a hurry to eat those yummy cutlets. After having some cutlet I looked at her. Oh my god. She was looking at me angrily. "Oh shit! How did I forget she is here too." , I murmured.

"What! Here also I am. Eat all, eat." , She cried.

I smiled and took a cutlet and tried to feed her. She got angry and sat behind the back. I went in front of her and again tried to feed.

"I won't eat", she said.

I tried again but failed.

"Did you know one thing? ", I asked her.

She replied, "What?

"

"You look more beautiful when you got angry", I flirted. She blushed.

"I will not eat anything. ", She replied with a little smile.

"If you don't eat then I will not eat in", I told.

I pretended to be angry. I sat behind the back. I knew how to make her laugh over any angriness.

Then she took a cutlet and said, " Oloo, lo, my sweet friend got angry." She made me smile. Her cuteness always made me smile. She fed me the cutlet and also I fed her.

The most memorable part was the cycle race while returning to home from school.

We were four friends in that race. Anu, Anu's bestie Kalpana, Rajesh, and I. The race started at school and ended at the beginning of my village road. There was only one rule for the race. The only thing that came first was that he won. We all waited for the school's final bell. As soon as the school bell rings, every one of us runs away with his bicycle. And who reaches first at the beginning of my village road wins the race. We all have to give chocolate to the winner and then our roads go different from that location.

Actually, there was a huge peepal tree at the beginning of my village road under which we all gathered daily. Here we said," Hii and bye " daily. Anu and I often talked sitting under that peepal tree. I miss those days always. From this location, our path goes different. Anu lived in the town and I lived in my village. So she takes right turn towards the town and I take left turn towards my village from that peepal tree. Also, our last meeting was at this place before I met her in the Thiruvananthapuram express.

Life is always good with a friend, better with a best friend and it's best if your best friend is a girl. But a boy and a girl can never be best friends forever because one of them will fall in love with another at some point. Love always triumphs over friendship. And those boys or girls are very lucky who get their best friend as their life partner. What would be better than spending your whole life with your best friend as a couple. It's the luckiest ever. But the question is whether this happens?

We were best friends. Everyone was talking about us. All our friends got jealous of our friendship. Some friends told me that I had a crush on her. Some thought that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't care anyone's talk. The truth was we were best friends. We were so happy. I was blessed having a friend like her.

Then one day love met friendship.

And what happened a day? The class was going on. It was a history class and I couldn't let go of my old habits. I slept in. I was almost in heaven and dreaming of a car racing game. I was riding a car at 200km per hour. So much fun.

"Goutam, Goutam, wake up Yaar. ", Anu pulled and said to me.

"Don't disturb me Anu otherwise my car will get pushed.",I replied.

She surprised and smiled.

"What! Which car. Wake up stupid.", She told.

"Goutam, sir is looking at us. ", she told again.

She tried me to wake up, but I was busy driving my car.

Meantime sir found me sleeping. He came to me and beat me up loud on my back. Suddenly I woke up and shouted aloud like a lion. Everyone in the class surprised at my awkward loud sound. I looked back and it was sir. Then he beat me a lot and told, " Is it your bedroom ? ". He scolded me and told, " Go and kneel down outside, nonsense." My whole sleep vanished at once. I went outside and knelt down.

And then an unforgettable memory happened in my school life. Every time our friendship grew deeper and was turning into love.

After sometime Anu came and knelt down near me. I surprised and asked, " what did you do ?"

She replied, " Just the same you did."

I asked, " But you never sleep in class. "

She told, " I missed you."

We laughed.

I looked at her eyes. She was smiling a heart stealing smile. Her black mole on her lips made me mad. I was looking at her again and again. She was looking elegant like a princess described in novels.

At that moment the love met friendship.

My heart started to beat for her. My friendship was turning into love slowly. And as the days passed by my love for her went on deeper. My eyes began to seek her in her absence. I wanted to spend whole days with her. I couldn't concentrate on studies because her cute face was seen on every page of the book. I started to be happy over small things. My morning started with her memories and my night ended with her dreams. I became mad in her love. I just wanted to say to her that I love her. "I love you Anu."

And what happened that day? I planned to propose Anu. My best friend Rajesh knew everything about it. Like the everyday, the school closed and the school bell rang. I waited for it. Anu, Kalpana, Rajesh and I started running towards the cycle stand. Every one of us ran away with our cycle to win the race. This time Anu won the race. She was very happy because she had to get chocolate from us. Anu went to that peepal tree and sat under that. Rajesh, Kalpana and I gave him chocolates as per the rule of our cycle race. She was very happy and I didn't want to lose the chance to propose her. According to our plan, Rajesh took Kalpana from there and they left the place. But Anu and I stayed there. I was searching for this moment.

Being no late I said," Anu I have to say something to you."

She told, " what ?"

I told, " I don't know how to tell you."

She said, " I know what do you want to say?

You stole my chocolate that day. It's ok."

I smiled and told, "No. "

She asked, " Then what? "

I replied, " I can't sleep at night. I can't focus on my studies. I only see one face in everything where I look. Her absence makes me sad and her presence makes me happy."

She told, "what! Are you fine ."

I said, "Yeah, everything is fine, but nothing looks good. "

She smiled and said, " Have you gone crazy."

"I don't know how it happened. ", I said.

She was smiling.

Finally, I told, " You stand and look behind and close eyes."

" What !" , She said.

"Please, Anu", I requested.

She turned back closing her eyes.

I drew the rose from my school bag and knelt down on my knee in a proposing style. Holding the rose in hand I said her to turn back. She turned back and looked at me .

I proposed, " I love you, Anu. "

She became dumb. Her smiling face became surprised. Then she broke her silence and said, "But I don't love you. I don't even think like this about you. We are best friends. We can't be lovers."

I told, "Please, Anu take your time and think over it. I can't live without you. "

She replied, "Sorry, Goutam. I can't be your girlfriend. We are just friends and will be."

I requested, "Please, Anu. Understand my situation. I love you so much. I can't be your friend. How can I? Please be mine forever. I can't change this love into friendship again. I can't at all. I don't know how to understand my heart's beats to you. Every time it needs you."

She said, " No. "

"Please, Anu. " I told. I was looking into her eyes. I can read her reluctantly. And then ....

She gave her hand to me and told, " We can be friends forever. "

But I denied to hold her hand and said, " I can't be your friend. "

Then she turned back and started walking away towards her bicycle. I stood up and kept on looking at her , but she never looked back. She got on her bicycle and went away towards her town. The rose fell down from my hand. The school bag seems very heavy. My eyes cried and tears flew on my cheeks. I wanted to stop them to come out, but I couldn't. After sometimes she vanished in my eyes. I went towards my bicycle and went home by walking slowly. I couldn't sleep for the whole night. The night became unending. I waited for tomorrow. I thought I will talk to her tomorrow again.

The next day I ran away to the school. But she was absent. My heart was throbbing every time. I felt that I was losing her slowly. It seems she was going away. The day after tomorrow she was absent also.

My eyes were searching for her everywhere at everytime. After four days of her absence in school, I asked Kalpana about her.

Kalpana told, " Anu and her parents have left the town and went to another town. She will never come to this school again. "

I was surprised, "what! "

" She didn't tell you about this." , Kalpana said.

I replied, " No."

"Paannn......Paannn....." , the Thiruvanthpuram express horns. I come back from the past days. The train reaches Cuttack station. It comes before my station. The train stops. Passengers get down from the train. Ananya wakes up and yawns keeping her palm on the mouth. 

She looks outside and says, " I have to go. "

I ask, " You will get down here."

She replies, "Yes, I have to go."

We both get down from the train. We look at each other and give a smile a little.

She says, " Thank you for helping me. ."

I say, " welcome. It's my pleasure."

She says, "Sorry, I have completely forgotten to ask your name. So, what's your name ?"

I smile a little and say, " You will know my name after some time. "

She says, "Ohh! Surprise."

We laugh. And then...

I ask, " Do you have a boyfriend ?" She smiles.

Meanwhile, a young boy greets her from far. She greets him also. He comes towards here.

Then she raises her finger towards him and says, " He is my boyfriend. "

Then she opens her handbag and draws a 500 rupees note and says, " Keep it. "

I hold the note and look at it. A great and the best thing about our Indian notes that Gandhiji having a smiling face on it tells us to smile and be happy always over any situation. And definitely, I will follow him. By the way, he is the "father of our nation ." and the father is always right. So I look at Bapu's smiling face and give a little awkward smile.

She looks at me and laughs.

"Paannn....Paannn..." , the Thiruvanthpuram express horns to leave the station. Also, I have to go home.

I say, " So I am leaving. I hope we will meet again. "

She smiles and gives me her hand and says, " Will you be my friend? "

I laugh a little and say, " I told you. I can't be your friend, Anu. "

She gets surprised and murmurs, " Anu !". She looks at me. 

Before she asks something I give the 500 rupees note to a beggar and start to walk towards the Thiruvanthpuram express. I get into the train and stands at the door looking towards her. The train leaves slowly. Again we leave each other. 

Suddenly she says loudly and surprisingly, "Goutam! "

I laugh and tell, " I told you that you will know my name after some time. " 

The Thiruvananthapuram Express starts to run fast. I smile.