I am SCARed - A girl's life!

I woke up early, one fine morning, as usual with those dismal eyes having black bags beneath.

Mom, stepped in and asked me, 'What's wrong with you?'

With apathy, I replied, 'Nothing'. 

After staring at me for a few minutes, she left.

Inner me was just calling out to her, 'Mom. Please sit with me... look at me... How weak-kneed have I turned... please don't go! I want to talk to you about a lot that you don’t know.’  

As I watched her leave, I thought she was standing outside the door. Trying to cover her mouth from the barely audible tears she howled. That she heard everything I haven't said. 

Everything… that goes like:

Maa, I never see me to be fine. 

There's isn't any word for the nightmares 

For in them I see myself fighting a reality 

Nothing is wrong though 

No no, I'm not afraid, I just fear those tentacles of the crimes against women spreading like a wildfire. 

What if that ugly fire catches this house? 

No… 

Actually nothing 

I just wanna say you mom, I was eve-teased last night 

No mom, I went to the store to buy you some milk. 

It was just below our apartment and still… still it happened. I wonder when will it stop? 

I feel guilty sometimes to be a girl, 

These things left unsaid but ... they alarm my soul 

I wear those scarfs, those dupattas 

My dress never shortened, just my fears got lengthened, 

At some point, I did punish myself by letting go of all the things I wanted to do: from letting go of wearing shorts, to laughing without covering my mouth. Or walking out alone late in the night. 

Slowly, I killed the life out of me; just so I could live. And I could be safe, safe from the monstrous eyes of society. Or before those poisonous hands kill my already dead soul. 

You can't make me quit by saying that happens with everyone,  

But... Actually I'm already Quiet. 

How do I explain my struggles to you? 

Would you understand? Maybe you do, but you don't want me to speak, as those words might trigger your bitter memories… 

Just the times you also wanted to protest but your voice was hushed in the name of honor! 

Whenever I walk out… those letching eyes eat me from inside 

But what can I do? 

Throw stones, pebbles? Shout? 

What would it do? 

Lead me to more danger! 

It's a preparation by myself to face an assault or an acid attack. Those words are similar to live death! I better die than let my soul be eaten each day by this society

Oh! I can't kill someone's false pride? I'm told to shut-up or I know the plight? I am told I'm weaker, and I have to agree - as a misogynistic ego can't be torn. 

I wanna ask myself maa.. 

Can I do it? 

Can I face Death in the eye? 

Will you let me raise my eyes or am I just supposed to shut them and cry! Like every other day... Like every other girl does? 

Mom! Can you hear me? 

I am SCARed !