Her La La Land

She is a girl from a small town with simple aspirations and a humble heart. She believed that the new city would challenge her comfort zone and make her learn. She was a hard-working and studious girl; sadly, her adolescence was not that vivid to understand the hormonal changes in her body. Her adolescence was tough in many other ways but not physically; she didn’t even realize the change in her body. So, she turned adolescent mentally after her 25^th year of the birthday. Also, that is when, to her dismay, she learned about her that she is sexually straight!

Before we peep into her La La Land, we must eavesdrop a little into her past to understand her character as she is our new Disney princess: 

She was a single daughter to a single mom who was physically abused to the core, not to mention the emotional abuse and was betrayed and left alone at the prime of her youth. Her mom does have a fair share of frustration and justification to beat the daughter up for making her perfect in everything. Poor mother didn’t have enough time to be behind her daughter to understand her emotional and physical well-being, because both mother and daughter needed to stitch dresses day and night to live under a roof and eat at least two times a day. They tried their best to keep their dignity and self-esteem without a male in the male-dominant a society where a male is always the alpha.

A terrible society it is! Even if they sweat and starved to earn their bread and butter, society always believed that the family was taken care of many alpha males! Indeed, many alpha males were so generous and interested in offering their help to these helpless women on the cost of sex and comfort; these women stood on their feet and turned the offers down, still society and so-called relatives posted a big scarlet letter on their door. Every day, they woke up before the sun was up and went to bed only after the clock struck 12 in the midnight, believing one day the sun would beat them in waking up earlier than them.

According to her, feminism or women empowerment is to live independently without seeking men’s assistance. Though, she is well-educated to understand equal rights in society without any gender bias. But, theory and discourse are totally different from the reality and practicality. The society she lived still believes that a woman cannot live without a man’s protection and most of the men and women believe as genetically genders are designed that way. Though many men and women participate in women empowerment theoretically, unconsciously they yield to the idea of women need men’s protection to live a socially acclaimed life.

A very few really embrace the idea of independent, equal and unbiased companionship of both genders. Most marriages are not about companionship but about social and financial securities in the society she lives in. Of all, she ought to believe that only a man can protect her as an alpha. Sadly, her life experiences were opposite and every single man she knew put her in danger and only her instinct and attitude saved her up.  

She was emotionally an intuitive kid who sensed easily the intentions of the person who approached her. If she had to write a book, her book would be equal to Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace with so many characters in it. She met and read so many people behind their social mask. Even without utterances, she can see beyond the mask of every human being she met. That intuition saved her all along from so many traps.

Fortunately, she had never faced any bad touches or groping hands, or she never allowed things to happen to that extent even there was no one to teach her the difference between bad and good touches. In a way, she felt lucky and proud to be the one who never put her body into the groping hands even unknowingly.

Now, we have known a little about our Snowoana – a Princess who has evolved emotionally from Snow White who was a helpless naïve girl who trusted everyone to Moana who boldly rows the boat alone into the ocean without knowing how to row but believing she would somehow reach the shore. Now, let’s know about her La La Land…

 Until she turned 25 sadly she didn’t experience the fluttering butterflies in her guts. But, when she realized it is quite normal to have such feelings for a male, she was shattered. As she was so against the concept of depending on a male for anything, she was all in tears when her body showed her all the wrong signs of getting attracted to a male. At that time, she didn’t know how to handle herself; she fell head over heels in love with a friend who came to her to save himself from his love failure. Stupidly she went all the way of losing her self-esteem and ego for begging his presence in her life which totally and brutally turned down! To narrate the failure crisp and clean, when she turned 26, her first love bloomed with a male friend who is soft and sweet with such good musical taste. Sadly, it took her 10 years just in a wink of an eye in depression and building her up.

She learned how to love herself and understood life in much better ways. Her sense and sensibility got enriched with books, music, and art. When she started investing in her, men find her intimidating and never even tried to talk to her. She never gave a damn about anyone including her own mom or anything in the world other than herself. She did learn a horrible thing about the importance of money. Even her loving mom proved that money and social acceptance mattered more than her daughter’s emotional and mental well-being. She was criticized by her mom for not being a perfect wife or a perfect mom at the right age according to the core rule of society. She stopped investing in people anymore and she turned numb though she kept going out of her way to see a child’s smile and spent little time with the children of her friends. She didn’t even remember one emotionally choking moment for almost 4 years.

She just decided to leave her comfort zone in search of a better future and took a brave stride to shift to a different place – a multi-cultural, multi-lingual, hysterical IT hub! She always visualized her La La Land as Hobbiton Shire full of hills and pastures and innocent, heart-warming people with very limited expectations. She never thought that she would find her La La Land amidst many skyscrapers and an unending row of vehicle lights in a traffic jam.

Roll up your cuffs folk! Here comes our Snowoana’s little, beautiful, memorable moment in her new-found La La Land!

In a new city, a new office, amidst many new faces, she met a bunch of people who are younger to her in years but matured and sensitive enough not to be judgemental. Also, emotionally and physically to some extent, she seemed to be equal to them. No one ever considered or treated her as an elder person. That feeling of being recognized and appreciated for who she was really was overwhelming for her. Of course, it was again a corporate jungle, there were people who hurt her ego, made her cry by insulting her and diminishing her self-worth! But, this time, there were people around her to support and stood by her for everything she was.

One among them in the whole bunch stood out as a replica of her but in the opposite gender. She felt an undefined connection with him. She can neither name the connection as friendship nor as a relationship. But something beyond explanation she felt with him. She did feel the butterflies fluttering in her gut after a decade to be exact. This time, she was purely in love with no influence of social or situational or physical or any solid reasons to be pointed out. Indeed, she never figured a reason why she was so into him. It was a mystically alluring beauty that she never wanted a period to that chapter.

There were many ‘for the first time’ moments happened to her to be cherished forever: for the first time, her emotions were acknowledged beyond the social legitimacy; she met a man with the same emotional intuition; she put her head next to a man and watched a love song; she leaned on a man’s shoulder; she caught his shirt and blindly crossed the road; she felt electricity whenever he sat next to her closely; she went for pubs and watched people drinking; she read a bed-time story for a man; she gave hot-oil massage for a man; she read him her poem; she had open sex talks in front of him; she opened up that she never had her first kiss yet; she traveled with friends on a trip; she rode in a bike on a long ride drenching in the rain amidst the beautiful greenery and scenery; she felt that she needed a kiss from a man; she looked at a man while sleeping like looking at an angel and there was no ending to the list. Most of the times, she thanked the pixie for making many of her first-time experiences possible.

Yes, there was a pixie in her story to make things happen which she never ever dreamed of. Along with the pixie, she spent time with him together in a beautiful home that was rented by the pixie. Of course, that was her perfect La La Land. Going to bed together, waking up together, cooking breakfast and eating together with the people valued her company was surreal to her. Indeed, that was her complete and perfect life lived with love, joy, and peace.  She couldn’t have enough of it, though she knew that the moments are happier and they last shorter than anyone imagined. Yet, she never scattered with the temporariness of those moments rather she harmonized with unconditional love and joy.

There was no social pressure, no fear of being judged, and no immediacy of clumsy emotions in her La La Land. She was overwhelmed with every tiny poetic detail of the time spent there. Some days, she might have been scrutinized by her mom and sank into the sadness. She found a place there to vent the heaviness of her reality in peace. It was a lovely stone bench under a lonely tree with a single-tire swinging in a branch. She sneaked out from him and the pixie in the early morning to that bench but he found her sitting alone and sat next to her without uttering a word. Most of the time, she felt those wordless conversations more meaningful. She met a man who never once uttered or acted like an alpha. That was it! All along she wanted to meet a man who can read her poetry without any word being said or written. She found him and lived with him in her La La Land!

Our Snowoana’s story doesn’t have a defined plot structure with many twists and turns and a course of thrilling actions. But, her La La Land is the peaceful and pleasant chapter in her chaotic book of life.