Chengalpattu Vanalakshmi (Part 2)

The VNIT Boys land in Chennai

"Chalo bhee, so much smell yaar. Worse than Bhabha Bhavan!" Machhar(Rohit Gupta) said, his nostrils flaring like an angry stallion as he glared at Chennai Central Railway Station, where they landed for the marriage of their VNIT batchmate Srinivas Rao, affectionately called Srini.

One would think this five-foot, long nose, strident voice, nicknamed after a mosquito (Machhar), landed from Avenue des Champs-Élysées, Paris, France, when in reality, the boy hailed from Uttar Pradesh.

Lambu (Amit Sharma) burst out laughing, easing his six-foot-two-inch frame as he marched beside his friend. Fortunately! He was so busy laughing that he stepped on a thick banana peel lying on the platform as if waiting for someone to skate to the nearest Puttur-Kattu hospital.

"Ek idea aya …" Machhar said, grabbing Lambu's arm before his friend glided on the railway tracks.

A raggedly-dressed unshaven man, snoring on the platform with an empty quarter bottle next to him, woke up to Machhar's high-pitch voice. Whether he thought Machhar was a girl (as these days, even sober people found it difficult to tell the difference), he got up and rocked towards the Amitabh-Jaya Bhaduri couple.

yeh dosti ham nahi todenge

todenge dam magar tera sath na chhod enge

yeh dosti ham nahi todenge

todenge dam magar tera sath na chhod enge

 

His drunken early morning breath almost intoxicated the "Sholay" brothers, and instead of appreciating the nightingale for attempting a song in Hindi – a rather challenging feat for a Tamilian – they didn't even shell out a dime and hurried away from him, afraid he would insist on singing all the verses.

As they galloped down the stairs of Central Station towards the exit, escaping porters and unnecessary aides who appeared out of nowhere and insisted they carry their baggage when they barely had any, they saw a familiar face grinning from ear to ear.

"Kya vah hamaara Srini hai next to the BMW (isn't that our Srini)?" They rushed towards their batchmate, who climbed out of a luxurious Black Beauty, Series 6, wearing sunglasses and all, though the sun was yet to appear.

Machhar's excited shriek brought a huge smile to Srini's face; however, he first opened the door for his passenger – a stunning damsel.

Machhar gasped, or perhaps belched (the boy had consumed a quick idli-sambar and was probably suffering its aftereffects) on spying a pair of shapely tanned legs fitted into thigh-length black leather boots, and his adam's apple hopped. His black gaze did an upward sweep taking in the short pleated skirt that barely graced the curved butt and a full-sleeve bodycon shirt that stretched over the Himalayan peaks. His adam's apple was very close to getting dislocated the way he was swallowing.

Lambu tripped over his bag, seeming hell-bent on reaching Puttur-Kattu hospital, when the delicate hand extended and touched his. Srini introduced the spectacular vision as his fiancée. Machhar and Lambu were salivating.

"Kya yah Chennai ki ladakiyon ka namoona hai (is this a sample of the Chennai girls)?" Machhar said breathlessly.

The girl's face lit up, and her lips widened, "Nahin, main aisa dikhata hoon (no, I look this way)."

If Chengalpattu Vanalakshmi, known as Vanna, was trying to win hearts, she just found a way. They were mightily impressed with her Hindi-speaking skills. Srini embraced his VNIT hostel mates and drew them towards the BMW, whispering it belonged to his to-be wife (gifted by his father-in-law). Hearing that, Machhar and Lambu swore they were not leaving Chennai until they found brides.

 

Vanna took the wheel effortlessly, talking to them over her shoulder as if she had known them for years. While Srini was used to her beautiful form, Machhar and Lambu were hyperventilating in the backseat. Rapid Hindi was exchanged, and at the end of the drive, both vowed not to leave town without partners.

It didn't cross their minds that they might have to work on their abs, polish their look, sport thick wallets and pass those arrears, leading to jobs and girls.

Dropping them off at her in-laws' place, Vanna excused herself as her Zamindar father had arranged numerous visits to all the top jewellers around Chennai. Srini kissed her full on the mouth, lost control, and almost toppled onto her lap while Machhar and Lambu staggered out like drunken monks burning with passion.

"To aapako kya lagata hai (So what do you think)? Srini teased as he joined them. His house was in a residential area in Foreshore Estate, also known as Pattinapakkam. They were near the beach; however, the scents that tickled their nostrils weren't of sand, sea and sun. Unfortunately! Thanks to the fisherman's village bordering the stretch.

"There's no time to think," Machhar said with enthusiasm, "lead us to this divine place where you discovered this angel."

Srini threw his head back and laughed so heartily that they looked at him with a frown. Just because he found beauty and happiness on a platter of wealth didn't mean they couldn't strike lucky.

Understanding their hidden indignation, Srini gave them a gist of Chengalpattu Vanalakshmi, her Zamindar father, who had wanted to marry off his overweight, duckling to Srini, a VNIT Engineer.

Machhar shook his head in disbelief. Lambu refused to accept the transformation of Chengalpattu Vanalakshmi, who wore Davani (a two-piece sari), elephant anklets, and twin braids and had a silly irritating giggle to the stunning, grey-eyed, long-legged model, Vanna. It was impossible to conceive.

"I almost collapsed at Stella Maris College when I saw her. It was unbelievable."

"After how many years did you see her?"

"Five."

"Stella Maris College has a hostel?" Machhar croaked. "There is hope for us, Lambu."

"Yes, but all-girls hostel. Sorry," Srini said with a laugh.

"What sadists these are. Depriving us of beauty."

"I'll ask Vanna to help. Maybe she'll rope in Sophia. You remember her?"

"Kaun? Vah ladkee jo ladakiyon ko pasand karati hai(Who, that girl who likes girls)?"

Srini nodded. "The one and only, who I fell in love with and haunted Stella Maris College and risked those hawk-eyed nuns. What a blow to my ego when I discovered my competition was a flat-chest acne-face girl called Ramya!"

Machhar broke into nasal-sound laughter, startling a street dog taking a nap under a neem tree. It gave him such a look of disgust for interrupting its slumber and dropped its head on its forelegs and tried to go back to sleep.

 

Srini's parents, a middle-aged couple, waited at the entrance of the house with a basin of water. Srini explained as per the Hindu custom, they didn't want any negative energy and evil forces entering the house. Machhar and Lambu left their footwear at the corner of the entry, scrubbed their dirty feet and turned the portico into a muddy pool of filth. Srini took the garden hose and washed the stone tiles before his mother brought bleaching powder, brush and bucket and disinfected the place.

By the time the VNIT boys showered, changed clothes and traded gossip, mainly about Srini's ex-girlfriend Ritu, who was planning to attend the wedding, Srini led them to the dining hall where his mother had prepared a delicious banquet.

Steaming thalis served in giant-size silver platters were lined with banana leaves on which lay heaps of rice sprinkled with ghee, begging to be devoured. The aroma of different flavours rising from tiny matching bowls bordering the plates made them hurry to their places. There was Sambar, Vathal Kuzambu, Rasam, Pumpkin Kootu, Potato Fry, Carrot Kosumari, Medu Vada, Fried Papad, Curd, Lime Pickle, Akkaravadisai (Indian sweet).

For the VNIT boys, who had struggled with hostel food for four years, thanks to the cook whose culinary skills turned them into starved models, they dived into their meal without engaging in any conversation until their bellies were full.

Srini's mother circled the table, filling bowls, bringing water and clearing empty plates and dishes while Srini's father probed and prodded the guests to reveal their career goals and ambitions.

Machhar and Lambu wished they had eaten slowly and prolonged their meal time.

"Maybe I'll join Siemens, Sir," Machhar said, avoiding those piercing eyes. Couldn't Srini's father ask about his parents, his village, something lighter … helpful to his digestive system?

"And you? Those light brown eyes inspected Lambu, who became engrossed in his dessert, "where are you going?" Was there a mocking twist to his lips?

"Schneider wants me, Sir," Lambu said with his mouth full of Akkaravadisai.

Srini, who had just started his meal and was enjoying his third medu vada, coughed, spluttered and ran to the washbasin. His mother sprinted after him with a glass of water, forgetting she recently underwent knee surgery. She wiped her son's eyes with the edge of her sari pallu and powdered them with chilli flakes. Srini yelled, startling the interview in progress, leaving an escape route for the VNIT engineers.

"Kya koii aur aavaas upalabdh hai (is there another accommodation available)?" Machhar whispered, having seized the moment to join Srini by the washbasin.

"Why, what's for my house? You have rooms with attached baths, free meals, chauffeured car," Srini hissed, his eyes still red and watery.

"Srini, your father is worse than the VNIT principle!"

"Who's asking you guys to exaggerate? Anyone would think Siemens and Schneider are waiting with open arms!"

"What to do, yaar? We must keep up our prestige!" Machhar said in a squeaky apologetic voice as they returned to the dining table.

Srini sponged his eyes with a clean tissue, glaring at his mother as she prepared Nescafe for the guests while the cast iron deep kadhai simmered with another round of medu vadas.

"He already knows you have arrears and are yet to complete your degree, leave alone find jobs!"

 Srini's mother set a casserole of steaming medu vadas, her concerned gaze on her son. Hearing the tail end of the conversation, she looked at Machhar and Lambu with sympathy, "Ēḻaik kuḻantaikaḷ. Vēlai illai (poor children, no job)."

Srini felt it best he didn't translate that for his friends.

 

Stella Maris College looked colourful during the day with its scenic environment – tall trees, shady branches, green lawns, neat buildings, and an open-air auditorium. But who was looking at that when the campus was littered with beauties striding up and down the lawns? Some were blessed with generous bosoms, some were in desperate need of enhancement, and some cheated with pushups and wired elevators.

When Srini announced he would be visiting SMC to invite Vanna's friends and faculty(Vanna, having left for Chengalpattu to pick up her stuff), Machhar and Lambu threatened to reveal Ritu-Srini relationship if he didn't take them along. Srini reluctantly agreed.

But when the day arrived, Srini had other plans and drove the boys to Freddy's, an exclusive unisex saloon on Nungambakkam Highroad. Machhar and Lambu, who were dreaming of grace and divinity, scowled at the sophisticated saloon. Never mind, it was situated in one of the exclusive localities of Chennai and cost the earth.

"Lekin yah Stella Maris Kolej nahin hai(this is not Stella Maris College)!" Machhar protested.

Srini turned and smiled. "How can you imagine I'll take you to SMC looking like this? Don't you guys want to find babes?" He collected the VIP parking card from the security guard and parked. They rode the escalator to the topmost floor. "Vanna suggested that Freddy gives you a revamp. Come on."

Machhar and Lambu hurried behind their confident friend, pausing now and then to admire the buxom Coiffeuses (hairdressers) leaning over a very fortunate man who seemed to be spending his day doing his hands, feet, hair, face, eyes, brows and whatnot.

"Who's that?" Machhar asked as a tall, slim, smartly-dressed male approached them. He looked in his mid-twenties and seemed to be running the show. Srini explained how Sophia had taken his fiancée there and turned her into a stunning model. On hearing that, his friends didn't argue further, particularly when they were escorted into a magnificent room with three pretty stylists.

Many hours later, Srini lay the Stardust magazine aside, losing interest in the story of Arjun (Boney Kapoor's son of his first marriage) suddenly becoming popular in Bollywood. He looked up as Freddy walked in with Machhar and Lambu, his jaw sagged, and he blinked.

You're sure these are my friends?" he asked in awe, staring with mouth open at Machhar's clean-shaven jaw smelling of spicy aftershave, gelled hair tinted with red and gold flecks that were glistening under the spotlights, and the thick arched brows. He was clothed in Armani jeans that tapered down his legs giving him height. Black shoes with laces matching the Calvin Klein Shirt and black belt with gold buckle.

" I called in my designer," Freddy said as a way of explanation.

Srini turned his gaze to Lambu. He wore Armani bootleg white jeans and a full-sleeve T-shirt, hanging out casually. Unlike Machhar, Lambu's hair was straightened and highlighted in gold. A small French beard and light moustache gave him a distinguished air. His eyebrows were also plucked as they were thick and bushy and almost met in the centre.

Srini clicked a few pics and hurriedly forwarded them to his darling Vanna. What a thoughtful girl she was. Despite her busy schedule with the wedding arrangements, she still found time for Srini's friends, and, what's more, she was footing the bill!

"Thanks, Freddy. We'll visit again. I need your advice for my big day. My friends too."

"Has Vanna chosen her dress?" Freddy asked as he fetched a catalogue from the countertop, flicking through the expensive wedding gowns and showing them to Srini.

"Yes, she picked that one," he pointed to an elaborate mother-of-pearl Cinderella Gown. His mother had bought a red Banaras Silk sari for the reception and gifted it with traditional jewels to Vanna. Although Zamindar had picked diamonds for his daughter, Vanna accepted her mother-in-law's gifts and promised to wear them.

 

Stella Maris College looked particularly isolated during the weekends; however, Srini convinced his companions they might find some rare peaches on the campus. Security Guard Ramamurthy was still suspicious of Srini, even though Srini and Chengalpattu Vanalakshmi were almost married. Srini still had nightmares of Sophia chasing after them when Srini had claimed Vanna's hand after overcoming his shock that she was the Zamindar's daughter.

Apparently, Sophia had developed a soft corner for Chengalpattu Vanalakshmi right from the first day she enrolled in SMC. Unaware of Sophia's feelings for her, Vanalakshmi revealed her desire to look attractive … like Sophia, and that was when Sophia took her to Freddy's and helped her transform. Vanalakshmi had been so grateful that she said 'I love you' without knowing that Sophia would take that seriously. When she heard of Sophia-Ramya's break-up and found Sophia hanging out with her, she realised her mistake. Fortunately, Srini butted in and hijacked beautiful Vanna from the clutches of a Lesbian She-Bear.

"Srinivasu, what brings you here," said a familiar voice close to his ear. Srini turned his head in surprise as Sophia appeared beside them, accompanied by a tall, slim, western sensation with green eyes and red hair.

How did she manage to find so many lesbians on campus? Srini wondered. And why were such beautiful shapely girls banking on girls? What an insult to the male kingdom!

Machhar and Lambu kept to the background, playing their part as Siemens and Schneider Engineers. Looking at them, no one would guess their plight. Srini was planning on asking Vanna's father if he could help them train at Siemens and Schneider until they completed their arrears. Later, based on performance, he was certain they would be recruited.

"And who are these cuties?" Sophia said, in her usual husky drawl, one slender hand combing her long black mane.

Machhar, who mostly communicated in Hindi, suddenly said in perfect English with a refined accent, "I'm Rohit Gupta from up north."

Srini swallowed his startled yelp and kept a serious face as Sophia embraced Rohit. "Nice to meet you, Ro." Sophia had this way of shortening names, making them sound hip.

Lambu was breathing hard, looking at the green-eyed creature as if wishing she would exchange sides and hold his hand instead. She was as tall as him and made direct eye contact. Srini hoped Lambu wouldn't try to steal her, as Sophie would turn violent this time. She hadn't forgiven Srini as yet for having stolen Vanna.

"I'm Amit Sharma," said another polished voice, much to Srini's astonishment. He couldn't believe he had practically lived with these guys for four years during their engineering course at VNIT and had never heard them once speak in such fine English.

"Can I call you Ami?" The western beauty said, much to Lambu's excitement.

Srini looked at Sophia, gauging her reaction. It wasn't promising. She turned and kissed her partner for a moment, and the western beauty lost interest in Ami. Feeling her response, Sophia seemed suitably convinced.

"Vanna told me to give you guys a grand time, so I reserved a VIP table at the Park Nightclub. How about that?"

Srini looked at his friends and knew they would disown him if he refused. So he nodded. Sophia took the wedding invitations from Srini, promising to distribute them to Vanna's friends and faculty to save him the trouble. The couple strode away hand in hand with an exaggerated hip shake.

 

Machhar and Lambu dressed and undressed, unable to decide what to wear. Should they go formal or informal? Should they wear sneakers or shoes? Should they spray Dior or Eau d'Issey? Srini told them dryly to be thankful they had a choice and reminded them of their hostel days, where they grabbed whatever they found.

Srini's father invited the well-dressed boys into his study. He couldn't believe what clothes and hairstyles could do, but anything was possible after their daughter-in-law's transformation. Thank God their son fell in love with Vanalakshmi. They adored her right from the time they met her. But Srini had opposed the marriage violently, refusing to consider his debt to the Zamindar, who had been paying for Srini's education. However, their son was spellbound when he saw Vanalakshmi (Vanna) after five years. He couldn't eat, sleep, or work until they fixed his marriage.

What a turnabout of events! Vanna had confided to her in-laws that she had Srini to thank for the transformation. When he had looked at her with such horror the first time they had met (when she was overweight in Davani and giggled nervously), she knew what she had to do. Srini might not have said the words, but she understood his thoughts. To him, she was an illiterate village girl whose father wanted to offload her to the first groom available. Nobody knew the shy Vanalakshmi spent her time reading, learning and improving her knowledge. She had private classes and studied English, and perfected her accent.

She couldn't blame Srini for believing the worst. Stories had been circulating in the village that the Zamindar's daughter found a seat in Stella Maris College only because her father financed a building. Vanalakshmi didn't bother to correct them; she had one goal … to make Srini fall in love with her.

"I spoke to the Zamindar just now," Srini's father said, smiling at Machhar and Lambu. Their elegant, sophisticated look was forgotten; they almost leapt to attention.

"About what, Sir?"

Srini's father wiped his specks, wore them on and said, "What else? Your brides! Srini tells me you both want wealthy, beautiful girls from good families. At the wedding, there's sure to be some relatives."

"Sir!" They threw themselves across the desk, nearly knocking down the tall vase with fresh roses plucked from the backyard. They grabbed a hand each and shook it vigorously. "How can we repay you?"

Srini's father released his hands from the enthusiastic grip, "Find jobs, earn well and save. Your brides will require financially stable grooms. From what I gather, you both don't have jobs."

"Sorry, Sir. We were embarrassed, to tell the truth."

"Nothing to be embarrassed about. Even Srini struggled to find a job, although he passed with flying colours."

 

Srini and Vanna decided to skip the nightclub, their wedding was approaching, and both didn't want bags under their eyes. Machhar and Lambu decided to risk it on their own. Sophia drove to Pattinapakkam to pick them up at 10 pm. Machhar and Lambu wore the same jeans and coupled them with white full-sleeve shirts stolen from Srini. That man had enough clothes to last him a lifetime – mostly designer wear.

When Lambu saw Anastacia in jeans and a T-shirt, he drooled. With just a mascara brush, her eyes glowed like emeralds in the night. He was dying to sit beside her, but unfortunately, she was perched next to Sophia.

Machhar and he conversed in Hindi, certain the ladies didn't speak or understand Hindi. In fact, they discovered that barely anyone spoke Hindi in Chennai. Even Srini's Hindi had sounded like bad words five years ago. They had made it a point to teach him the right way to speak before he got his backside kicked.

"Don't be a drag!" Sophia said over her shoulder, "let us in on the discussion."

Definitely not! Machhar thought. Srini warned us not to risk your wrath. " We are wondering what to expect at the nightclub," Machhar said, patting his fat wallet. Srini explained the necessity of carrying enough money if the babes decided to dine on almonds and cashew nuts and sip expensive cocktails.

"Do you dance?" Anastacia turned and made eye contact with Lambu. Sophia looked sidewards, a tiny frown marring her stunning face. Today, she wore a black miniskirt and a white corset top. Her hair gleamed as she brushed it off her shoulders.

"I can learn," Lambu flirted. Beneath his breath for Machhar's ears only, If you teach me. We'll dance hip to hip, chest to chest …

"If you're still breathing, " Machhar whispered, "She-Bear will tear off your testicles."

"Ana, I feel neglected," Sophia pouted. Immediately, Anastacia placed her arm around Sophia and kissed the corner of her mouth.

"Now?"

Machhar looked upwards, a long sigh escaping his lips. Lambu felt murderous. After all the hours spent at Freddy's revamping themselves, they were in the presence of gorgeous girls ignoring them.

 

The line of luxury cars waiting to enter Hotel Park extended to the road, causing chaos. Machhar and Lambu got off, wanting to smoke, and told the pretty ladies they would meet at the entrance. They had Sophia's number in case they got lost in the mayhem.

Lambu felt super confident as one of the prettiest in a group of six barely-clad girls asked him if he was alone. Machhar said they were. The girl ignored him and grinned at Lambu, "So am I."

Machhar reminded Lambu they were best friends, and it was always good to share one's fortune. Lambu chuckled, looked at the girl and asked, "Do you have a friend who might be looking for a date?"

"Girl or Guy?"

Machhar swallowed twice. "GIRL!" he screamed in frustration. Bad enough, they were surrounded by lesbians; should they now be bombarded by gays? Lambu smilingly told her they were straight and didn't swing that way.

"We saw you with Sophia and Ana …."

"Don't even mention it!" Machhar squeaked.

The girl emitted a slight sound, possibly a sophisticated giggle, and a minute later, made a sign to her girlfriends. Machhar and Lambu forgot Sophia and Ana as they walked into the club with their partners, flashing their VIP passes. However, Sophia and Ana were already inside, sipping tequilas in salt-rimmed glasses with a pinch of lime. They waved as they saw them and mouthed, 'Enjoy yourselves'.

 

It was the Day. Srini looked handsome in a three-piece grey suit. He glanced at his reflection for the fifth time, although everyone told him he looked like a model. There was a time when he hadn't bothered to comb his hair, but after meeting Vanna, he became conscious of how he looked and dressed.

At least Srini had reason to, as it was his big day, but his best men had not emerged from the room. Vanna was already on her way to Santhome Cathedrale Basilica. It was a surprise to learn that her late mother was Christian and Vanna wanted to marry in a church. His parents hadn't made a fuss as long as it was a religious marriage.

Machhar and Lambu looked handsome, Srini thought. These guys would turn heads, and he couldn't wait to see their brides. They drove to the church in the BMW, Lambu taking the wheel. He asked Srini to relax in the back seat and let his friends land him safely in church. It was barely a five-minute drive from Srini's house.

The Gulab Band played in the compound of Santhome Cathedrale. Srini had to smile as he heard some false notes, which was typical. As long as his bride and father-in-law were happy, he didn't care.

Machhar and Lambu waited with bated breath for the bridesmaids to arrive. Machhar craned his head as he heard the sound of bells. A crowd gathered at the entrance, cheering and clapping as they looked curiously at the procession. The church bells began to ring, and the Gulab Band was trying to play some English numbers but was killing them. Srini hurried inside the church and stood by the altar, as instructed, waiting for his bride.

"Is that Vanna?" Machhar whispered, shocked to see the glorious bride in her Cinderella attire arriving in a decorated wooden four-wheel bullock cart! She was holding the reins and posing sweetly for the photographers. Next to her were two female heavyweight champions wearing masks. One bounced to the floor and held out her hand for Vanna. The other lifted the bride's wedding dress train, threw it over her shoulder, swung Vanna, and deposited her beside the first bouncer. Then the second wrestler jumped from the cart, and the bullocks looked relieved.

Machhar trembled as Vanna called out to them, something telling him it wasn't good news. The Zamindar looked proud as he stepped down the traditional cart and gave his arm to his daughter. The female wrestlers giggled endlessly, unable to take those squint eyes off Machhar and Lambu.

"Even if I'm on my deathbed, I'm not marrying one of them," Lambu whispered fiercely.

"I'm sure Vanna won't dump them on us. Remember, she knows our taste." Machhar tried to console him, but at the back of his mind, he was convinced these were their brides. "Remember how Vanalakshmi looked when Srini was forced to consider her for his bride? Now, look at her."

"Even Freddy can't restore these pumpkins," Lambu said angrily. Just thinking of the fun they had the previous night with those six beauties, dancing, drinking and experiencing their first kiss. And now, look at their fate. How can they refuse the Zamindar?

"Meet Bindu and Sindhu," Vanna said graciously, "my cousins." The twin wrestlers waddled towards them in their rich red and gold attire, lengthy decorative one-piece gowns. Their necks and bosoms shone in the sunlight with all the jewels they wore. Their full-sleeve arms sported gold bangles from wrist to elbow. The bells on their feet jingled embarrassingly loud – louder than the bells on the horns and necks of those bullocks.

The Zamindar walked his daughter down the aisle as the Santhome choir sang 'O Perfect Love'. Srini turned and smiled so broadly that his gums showed. He almost hugged Vanna as she reached his side but remembered they were in church.

Machhar reluctantly took Bindu's adorned arm, and Lambu took Sindhu's. Throughout the walk, the girls constantly tittered as if they were finding everything hilarious. Freddy was seated amidst the congregation, and his eyes widened as he saw his refined boys escorting two fashion disasters. He turned away and wiped tears of laughter. Sophia and Anastacia, in their evening wear, waved at them.

Srini refused to meet their gaze, and they knew why. He understood their grief but could do nothing about it. Machar released his arm from Bindu's octopus grip and took a breather outside, smoking gold flakes, one after another. Lambu joined him, tired and exhausted already. They looked at each other sorrowfully and then burst out laughing, whether it was the tension building in them all through the ceremony while the girls rested their heads on their shoulders and held on to them with death grips.

"We'll escape tonight. I'm not going through this," Lambu said, drawing his phone from his tuxedo pant pocket as it vibrated. An unknown number was displayed, and he barked, "Yes?"

"Come inside, Sombu."

"Excuse me, my name is Lambu, not Sombu," he bit out. Of all the names she could say, why choose a spicy Fennel seed with a strong taste and excellent aroma?

Machhar choked as he inhaled and coughed out smoke. 

"Who is this?" Lambu demanded. And then he heard the mad giggle and didn't need to confirm the identity. He will murder Vanna for giving her his number.

 

The grand reception at the Taj Coromandel, the multi-cuisine menu, DJ music—nothing could revive two disappointed souls. They sat in silence and spoke in monosyllables to everyone.

The Zamindar glared at them as they were ignoring his sweet nieces. Didn't Srini's father tell him that these boys wanted brides? He brought the best from Chengalpattu. What more these UP boys wanted? They didn't even have jobs! At least his son-in-law was brilliant and came out with flying colours. These boys looked good and dressed well, but nothing in the pocket. He will have to do something about that too.

Bindu flopped beside Machhar and leaned close to him. Whatever perfume she sprayed on herself was triggering a migraine attack.

"Where you're working, yaar?" she asked. The squint eyes annoyed him enormously. Could American Eyecare rectify her vision? Machhar wondered. He will have to ask Zamindar to take care of that. He read that eye surgery was anywhere between 1.2 to 1.45 lakh.

"He's in Siemens," Lambu answered for Machhar, and before the twin opened her mouth and called him 'Sombu' again, he said, "I work in Schneider."

"Appaṭiyā (Is that so)?" She held her chin like those elderly village paatis (grandmothers) who thrive on gossip. "Eṉṉa vēlai (what job)?"

"I don't speak Tamil!"

" Kaṭavuḷukku naṉṟi (thank God)!"

There were two smartly dressed gentlemen flanking the Zamindar on either end. The Zamindar introduced them to his nieces, and the distinguished gentlemen were courteous even though the girls shook hands with them like they were pumping water. The gentlemen then turned to Machhar and Lambu and gave them a firm handshake.

"Your father-in-law tells us that …" one of them barely began when Lambu butted in.

"We are not married. You must be confusing us with Srinivas, the Zamindar's son-in-law."

"Oh, I thought …!"

 "You were saying?" Machhar interrupted with a smile.

The other gentleman nodded at Machhar, "Zamindar said you boys needed jobs? Is that true?"

Bindu and Sindhu looked at the VNIT Boys as if they were the lowliest of the lowliest. Sindhu released her hair from the tight bun, and it came tumbling down her back. Machhar hoped Bindu sported a silky mane, too, or he would exchange with Lambu's partner. But why was Lambu staring at Sindhu so much? And then, he, too, gaped with his mouth open as she chatted with one of the executives in British English.

Bindu, in the meantime, was telling the other gentleman something hilarious in Tamil and, towards the end of the story, switched to fine British English.

 

What was this? The country bumkins sounded well-educated, seeming to know how to move in society, unlike them!

Where was Srini? So many questions were running through their minds, and he was conveniently unavailable.

"I'm the HR Manager of Siemens India, and my friend heads Schneider," one of the gentlemen said. The Zamindar informed us that his sons-in-law were looking for opportunities."

This time Lambu didn't deny their status. He hoped, however, the British Pumpkins would forgive them. They had left in a huff when they heard the VNIT engineers were yet to find jobs.

 "Yes, Sir. We are."

"Zamindar's sons-in-law? Or Looking for opportunities?"

"Both, Sir. We had no idea Bindu and Sindhu were Zamindar's daughters."

"They are my nieces," the Zamindar said with pride. "They lost their parents in a car accident along with Vanalakshmi's mother, and I educated those girls."

"That must have been tough on you." The Siemen's gentleman said, his admiration for the Zamindar seeming to have climbed a notch.

"I sent them to England to study as that was my (late)sister's desire."

 

Machhar looked at Lambu, unable to stop smiling. England? They were going to England. The UP Boys were finally showered with blessings. So what if those girls were overweight? They could exercise together. After all, he, too, had a paunch, and Lambu needed to put on weight. He was a stick without clothes.

 Lambu was barely concentrating. He couldn't get over the fact that Sindhu had silky hair, no squint and she and her sister were educated abroad. So why were they dressed so gaudily?

"Did you hear that, Boys?" the Zamindar said sternly as the boys seemed distracted watching Vanna and her pretty click approaching them. Even Siemens and Schneider managers were pleased to be amidst such beauty.

 "Machar, you have a 9 am interview with Siemens tomorrow. Lambu, your interview is at 2 pm at Schneider on the same day."

 "Yes, Sir. We'll be there," they said in unison, looking at the long-legged, mini-jupe girls expectantly. There was no harm looking, was there? Lambu thought.

 Vanna said in her usual drawl, "I'm happy you've met. Let me officially introduce my cousins, Bind and Sind."

Machhar looked around Vanna, behind her, but no heavyweight champions were around. Lambu, likewise, searched for the British pumpkins. It was only when one of the girls beside Vanna squinted at him and giggled breathlessly, his gaze widened.

 "You are Sindhu?" he said in disbelief.

 "Yes, Sombu, nice to meet you, yaar," she said in that irritating voice that tortured him all through the mass.

 Machhar, in the meantime, turned his hopeful gaze on the other girl, wondering if she was the octopus that clung to him for the entire ceremony. Intercepting his gaze, she said, "Machu, this is me only, yaar, Bindu."

 "But how is it possible?" the VNIT boys asked Vanna, who couldn't stop laughing seeing their startled expressions.

 "Well, Srini and I decided to give you a taste of what we had. My dad brought my beautiful cousins down from the UK. They do theatre, so it wasn't difficult to disguise themselves and change accents."

 The Zamindar interrupted in a booming voice, "So, is everything settled now?" He needed to fix the marriages before the UP boys started dating the girls. He wouldn't have considered these boys worthy had Srini's father not vouched for them.

 

Bind strode stylishly to Machhar's side and said, "I don't know, Pop, if I'd want to marry a guy who looks down upon me, lies about his job status, and…."

Vanna lost her smile, "Surely, you would have done the same, Bind, if positions had been reversed?"

 Machhar was breathing hard with the sudden turn of events. He couldn't blame Bindu. He did react like a jerk.

 "Neither would I," Sindhu said. "I want a Britisher, Pop, not this country fowl."

 Srini, who had just joined his wife, choked back laughter as he heard the latter part of the conversation. It had been his idea, and now, it seemed to have backfired. He shouldn't have played this game. After all, these girls were educated abroad, and not everyone had Vanalakshmi's forgiving attitude. God knew what Machhar and Lambu would have been saying to them for such a reaction. He couldn't blame his friends, too, as Srini also had reacted similarly to Vanalakshmi.

 "Did you just call me a country fowl?" Lambu said, his displeased gaze meeting Sindhu's mocking one.

 "Sure, did, Country Fowl."

 For a moment, both glared at each other. Suddenly, Lambu threw his head back and gave a hearty laugh, and Machhar joined him until tears rolled down their cheeks. They pounced on Srini, and the three were wrestling playfully, much to the Zamindar's bewilderment.

 Per instructions, the Zamindar had followed Vanna's plan, and so did his nieces. Now, what these youngsters were confusing him? He had already contacted the astrologer.

 "Who wants to be married, anyway?" Machhar said, trying to overcome his loss. If only they had shut their mouths and treated those girls well, they might have gone to the UK and lived like kings.

 "At least we have jobs!" Lambu said, forcing himself to ignore his hit-and-run with Sindhu. Coming to think of it, these girls would make very good actors. They had managed to fool them.

  "What? You don't want to marry?" Bindu drawled.

 Machhar flushed in pleasure and stammered, "No … yes. I do!"

 "And you, Sombu?" Sindhu said, knowing that Lambu was fuming hearing that name. It was, once again, Srini's idea. He had specifically instructed her to call him that, and he made sure his mother explained all the ingredients by name, so Lambu knew what 'Sombu' was.

 "Are you offering?" Lambu asked with a polite smile.

 

"Yes, Country Fowl. I think we could make it work."

 Srini hugged Vanalakshmi with a relieved smile. For a moment there, he thought it was over. But she seemed to have smoothed the ruffled feathers. She hugged him back and said, "Chengalpattu Vanalakshmi at your service, Sir."

 The Zamindar was in a long discussion with the astrologer, and next to him was Srini's parents. It appeared two weddings were on the agenda.