Broken pieces of faith

People say that you have deceived me and made a fool of me. Some people say that you have pulled my leg in time and betrayed. But I didn't believe that you cheated on me that day, not even today. We came nearer and started talking open heartedly even before crossing the school level. Started to like each other. Neither you nor I could understand when love just started knocking on the door of our mind by thwarting the claim of friendship. After being passed through our school’s final examinations, when we entered the colleges, our favorite desires became much more colorful that began to fly freely like a butterfly in the vast flower garden. I came to know from you that your college was residential. You had to study on staying in the hostel. However, you had the opportunity to come home on weekends as there were two days off on Saturday and Sunday. During these two days we had some precious time to meet, to talk, and to get emotional. You told me that usually you were habituated in taking a walk on the lawn of the hostel after dinner and that was the time when I would certainly enter in your mind to make you feel happy and fresh. Every step you took on the green grass carpeted lawn, made you to have thrills on thinking of me. The moon and stars in the sky above could feel the happiness and joy of yours. The soothing light used to add the sensation of calmness to have the fulfilment of mind. The light cool air wrapped in a gentle obsession used to bring the pleasant affection to the body. On standing at the tip of grass and looking at the stars in the sky, you would utter a song, 'Let the small lamp look at the distant stars, hope to absorb the energy of all the stars together and shine brilliantly'. At the same time, I was also living in your thoughts and was looking for you in my mind. I could understand the thought that was stirring in my heart too, expressing the desire that 'my two eyes were only in search of you and wanted to find you everywhere in that world of love'. The restless minds of two of us were finally to get filled with pain.

I used to come home from college earlier in the evening. After a little jogging and free hand exercise and a little study of my college courses, I normally took my dinner early and then used to go to the roof. You were the only one who could stay in the courtyard of my mind while loitering. As soon as your imaginary presence floated in my mind, an unknown pain would shake the innermost part of my heart. I was looking for the touch of love in the dark. In no time this beautiful mind started to become so heavy that I was in no mood to drag my feelings of staying away from you. I could assure myself that, would be able to see you at the end of the week to get rid of the unusual thoughts that increased the heaviness of mind. Staying out of sight and related hidden pain were kept closed inside the cage of the word love. Suffering in love was eternal.

During those days there was no use of mobile phone and hence, even if I had a desire to make you annoyed over the phone amid night, practically I was helpless. That was the reason why handwritten letters were the only means of exchanging love. You were the one who told me that those days of college would be spent in the dream of getting the metaphorical letters written by me. I crafted the letters to your likings. Further, I had carefully kept the letters sent by you even today, in every fold of my diary. I kept reading those old letters sent by you when I used to feel very morose. Going through the letters the mind got shaken by the indescribable joy felt. I wanted to get back to those happy days when I could spend a valuable time in my life hoping to see you. Maybe one day I would have met you, someday I would never have. Even if I didn't see you, I wouldn't be sad because I always thought you were mine. I thought, what would happen if we couldn't meet one day, we might meet again next day. we would forget all the irritation of our minds, break every hindrance, and make a commitment to walk the path together.

The castle of my dreams collapsed in front of my eyes. I could feel for you too, the fragile glass panes of your heart were shattered by the words of the elders of your house, but you could not say anything openly that day. I didn't blame you for your inability of expressing yourself. In fact, we had grown up in a time where the words of the elders were the doctrine. I could not dare to answer them on looking to their eyes. We grew up and got educated under their big umbrella of dependence. They had formed our character, however, could not accept our relationship. Because of their resistance and obstruction, we had to crush our love in gruesome ways, suffocated the desires of our minds mercilessly. It was hard to digest. I had suppressed my tears and allowed to freeze them within my eyes. I did not allow my emotions to be expressed with indulgence. Before thinking about ourselves, I thought about respecting adults. I had tried my best as per my limited capabilities that only due to any unethical behavior of me, or for any other reason their values in the outside world did not get tattered in the dust. Today I must say to myself that we did not do the right at all that day. If you want to get something in life, you must lose something. I had to muster up a little courage to get you of my own, I had to raise a handful of protests over my head. What we had done was tantamount to surrendering without war. Yet I did not know why, in the eyes of the people you had become a swindler. Although till today I believe that you were not at fault. Me was the culprit. You might not be aware of the small incident that fueled people to have a negative attitude towards you. You need to know the fact. This is the time to let you know the happenings of those days.

The day you suddenly fell ill and went to bed at the end of your college exams, I found out too late, and got the information from one of your neighboring girlfriends. I got upset and puzzled as I did not know what to do. You had come home on holiday, I knew, but were not coming to see me. I was present at our meeting place every day at our prefixed time, but you were not coming. To be very honest, me got a little angry with you. One day, suddenly on my way to meet you at our place of meeting I could meet your friend. She asked me the reason of not going to meet you at your house. I said her that every day I used to come back at our meeting place, waited for some time for her coming, and then returned disheartened. Your girlfriend got very angry with me. In her words, she kept explaining that I really did take a great wrong decision by not meeting you. Why I hadn’t been looking for you for so long? Why did I put my love away? Then she told me that you were very sick. I should have visited your house at least once during your illness.

As soon as I heard that, the ground under my feet started shaking. I started blaming myself. Why didn't I find out the reason of your not coming? I felt myself like a big criminal. It's had been so long since you had come home, and you were not coming to see me. I didn't try to figure out what could be the reason. Every day, as a rule, I had come to our appointed place, waited for you, and returned home disappointed. I carried out in my mind the idea that you might not be able to come that day for some reason, the next day would surely come. The picture and the story of the next day were the same. You didn't come but look how stupid I was. Never did it occur to me that you could be ill. You might be passing the days on the bed thinking of me. I didn't even think about your state of mind.

On hearing the news of your illness, I could no longer restrain myself. Gathering all the courage in my mind, I went to your house the next day. Far from allowing me to meet you, I was forced to stay outside of the outer gate. I was not allowed to enter the house. I did receive some ill treatments, even was threatened to face with dire consequences, and was warned that my career would be ruined, even threatened to be arrested by the police. I was also threatened that all my pleasures of life would be taken away by putting me in the prison cell, but they never allowed me to meet you even once. I went back home that day, but again came back the next day with a hope of meeting you. The person whom I did love might be lying in bed very sick, hoping that at least once I would come to meet her, would sit next to her, touch her forehead in love and heal her. But you did not know that I came every day on receiving the news of your illness, only with the indomitable desire to meet you. But I couldn't meet you. I was kicked out of the front door. Every time I tried, requested, asked permission to meet with folded hands, I had to be humiliated, insulted. You didn't know that. You had been told that I did not come to see you even once during your illness. It was better not to remain associated with such a lowly, inferior person like me. It meant that I didn't really like you. I had reached out to you with the desire to seize gradually your father's immense wealth. Friendship, love, likings, all these were my only job to befuddle people. In fact, I had reached out to you with a hope of my self-fulfillment. What you came to know about me? I was mean, I was greedy, I was disgusting. Gradually, that fiction took a stable place in your mind, where a boy like me could no longer express his thoughts and love, could only be hatred. So, to take you away, far away from me, you were constantly fed with ill thoughts that induced anger, arrogance, and regret on me. I was disappointed. I asked myself, did I make a mistake in recognizing you. Was our love just a young age madness. I was so engrossed in the joy of getting something new in my life that could have showed me the real meaning of staying alive, however, did not have the mentality to measure the depth of love. In any case, you must admit that the efforts of your family were very much successful. They had been able to separate me from you, that was their success, their ultimate achievement.