Be The Best Part Of Me

"Be the best part of me... " - You half-whispered, trailing the callous tips of your fingers along the side of my face. Closing my eyes, I found myself inhaling sharply while attempting to hide the shivers that kept erupting along my spine with that one touch of yours. I stared at you from the corner of my eye, and couldn't help but marvel at the way your face shimmered with the soft rays of the sun rising far behind the window.

I could feel the fervidness of your gaze burning holes on the side of my face, while I kept staring out of the window right behind you. I saw the sun letting go of its slumber and eliciting the desire within my cold soul, to burn away in its blazing inferno rather than responding to you. I could feel the unkempt thumping of your heart as you anticipated my response to those six words of yours. I could feel the apprehension gnawing at your chest, causing you to breathe raggedly as you dreaded the response that I was going to give to those words of yours. I could see the smog of regret clouding your lids, as you stared at me while tapping your feet on the brakes of your car.

Resting my head against the black leather seat, I bit on the inside of my cheek in an attempt to hold back the response that was already forming inside my mouth. I brought my knees together, nestling in the seat as my mind started to whirl with the snippets of the beautiful and dandy past that we had once shared. I rubbed the back of my hands against the rough fabric of my pieces of denim as they felt clammy from the dense air surrounding us. And that was it, I could no longer stop myself from meandering into those memories of our past; I could no longer refrain from sauntering back to those times when the silence between us used to be comforting and soothing- not thickened with awkwardness or a paralytic trepidation.

I kept staring out of the window, far away at the vibrant horizon yet all I could see was the depths of my mind unraveling and unfolding the blissful events of the past that had been once buried secludedly. The sun kept rising, spreading its multihued streaks across the whole sky, but all I could see were those warm mornings that we had woken up to with our bodies entwined and resounding giggles that used to break out of our mouths upon seeing the disheveled and sleepy faces of one another.

Ravens flew across the flaring sky, chirping and cackling far at the horizon but all I could hear were the chuckles that used to escape from your throat upon seeing me sneakily wrapping my arms around you while you made the perfect mugs of coffee for us. All that my mind played through its depths, where the lazy and sluggish afternoons that we had spent laying on the couch with my head resting on your lap as I watched our favorite series while you kept running your fingers through my hair, continuously bringing them on my eyes and causing me to grumble annoyingly.

And there those were the fragments of the memories of our weekends where you used to take me to the beach to watch the sun setting far across the glimmering waters while I snuggled up against your chest. And there those were, the fleeting glimpses of the nights where you used to pull the duvets away from me and drag me to the terrace for gazing the stars until our eyes hurt and stung from all the twinkles and sparkles of the stars. All I saw, were the ephemeral moments when I used to catch you stealing kisses from me while you held me tight in your embrace, and lulling me into the alleys of deep and placid slumber.

 All that kept rewinding behind my opened lids were your eyes, telling me those wordless vows of togetherness while I found myself drowning in the depths of those brown orbs. All that kept raveling in the nooks of my mind were, the scenarios of us living the definition of that perfectly flawless love that people claimed to be so rare in this world. All that my mind could reminisce were the endless hours, minutes and seconds that I had devoted completely in that seamless love of ours, that I had given away while loving you, and only you.

You snapped your fingers in front of me, bringing me from those forgotten and segregated lanes of our past and back to the present where you sat only three feet apart from me, and still waiting for me to open my mouth that remained resolutely closed. And I knew, I was going to say those words out loud giving you the response that you longed to hear. And I knew, I was going to give you the answer that you already had known with certitude. I knew I was going to be the best part of yours by heart, and my soul without even thinking twice to devote myself once again for that love of yours.

But then, I committed the blunder of meeting your gaze. I committed the mistake of looking right into those eyes of yours.

And right then and there, those were gone- the bliss of our past, wholly pulverized and replaced with the blisters that you had left behind when the memory of that one ruinous night came flooding back in my mind. Breaking our gaze, I slouched back into the seat as the recollection of that night inundated every corner of my mind, obliterating the love of our past. I remembered the night, and its darkness that you had left behind after walking away from me saying that you needed time to figure the things going on between us. I remembered the night, and its coldness that you had left behind after leaving me because you wanted to be sure of what we had between us was your perfect definition of love or not.

I committed the sin of looking into your eyes, and it was all back- the reality splashing its coldness upon me, rending my wounds open, and causing the faded cracks of my mended heart to resurface once again. I saw myself stumbling away from you, and into that night when you left without sparing a last glance at my direction. Once again, I saw myself transversing to that night when you had held me tight, confessing that you needed time before committing yourself to me for the rest of your life; I could see that night enlivening in the depths of my mind - the night when you had told me to wait for you; the night when you had told me that you would return to me very soon if I were actually meant to be the love of your life; the night when I stood in front of you at a loss of words, and with eyes burning and stinging with something more profound than just mere drops of tears.

I found myself reliving that damned night- the night that was supposed to be just another night with you holding me in your arms while I slept clutching onto you, but it wasn't what it was supposed to be, rather it was the night when I saw you walking away from me only because you were unsure about the love that existed amid us; only because you wanted to be sure that whatever we had was abiding and perennial, and not fugacious.

 I found myself reliving that night - where uncertainty had gripped every fiber of my being, upon hearing that you weren't sure whether you loved me or not, whether you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me or not. I found myself reliving that night - when your words cut through my heart, and the incertitude that was visible in your eyes made my soul explode into countless pieces that I never knew existed before.

 I found myself reliving that night and writhing with a sharp, inexplicable pain when you let go of me seamlessly only because you were not certain that you could love me for the rest of your life, while all I ever did was to lose myself in loving you and building a world of mine that revolved solely around you. I felt my insides twisting and turning achingly as I recalled how my heart had cracked soundlessly and kept bleeding away until numbness seeped into it, leaving me incapable of living the way I used to live with you. The night, where you kept retreating from me while my soul kept losing a huge part of it with every step that you took going away from me, leaving behind a void so big, so prominent that kept eating me away in your absence. The night, where I was bent on to wait for you until you came back to me with the surety of loving only me; until you come back to make me whole again.

But now, when you had come back to me after three years, eight months and nine days to be exact; when you were sitting so close to me and asking me to give you a chance of redemption by making me the best part of yours, why did I not feel whole again? Why did I not feel myself living the way I used to with you by my side? Why was I thinking more than twice to lose myself to you once again?

Perhaps, that one night was enough to taint all the bliss of the beautiful past that we had shared together. Perhaps, that one night was enough to let me know how you left me and chose the uncertainty and doubts residing in your mind. Perhaps, that one night was enough to break the heart, that once used to thump with your name embedded in every nook of it. That one night was enough to make me realize how I had let myself down by not putting me first before you, before losing and devoting myself entirely to you, while all you did was to walk away from me in the middle of a night only because my love, you were dubious about letting me own that heart of yours for the rest of the life.

You rested your hand on my stiff shoulder, causing me to flinch slightly as the lucid images of that night stopped reiterating inside my skull. I let out the held back breaths, as the erratic thudding of my own heart reverberated within my soul. I looked at you, at the person whom I had once loved so much, at the person who had finally realized that he loved me too. But where was the guarantee that you wouldn't leave me again owing to your own doubts and uncertainty? Why did it feel like betraying my soul again by wanting to become the best part of your life? Why did it feel like stabbing at the sewn cracks of own my heart by attempting to love you again?

"And, how would I be the best part of you when I had already lost a big part of myself to your hands, while all you did was to throw it away because you weren't sure whether you loved me or not?" - I heard my soul whispering, as it kept wavering upon the fringe of fragmenting again.

You placed your finger under my chin, tugging me to look in those orbs of yours, and I could see you moving your lips once again before I had the time to give you the response that you had been expecting all this time.

"Be the best part of me... "- You mumbled, perhaps for the last time while staring right into my eyes, but could you see through my soul anymore? Could you love me for the rest of your life without doubting whether it was me who you wanted to be with? Could you finally deem me as the love of your life with that tad of skepticism lingering in the depths of your mind?

But, I knew to be loyal to this mended soul of mine; I knew, not to let this soul of mine down by not putting myself first and loving myself foremost before anyone else - even if it was the one whom I had loved selflessly with every ounce of my existence. I knew, not to commit the mistake of losing myself to the hands of someone else only to be tossed out of their lives in a fraction of second like an insignificant speck of grunge. I knew, how to put myself first and love my scarred yet healed soul and heart without any uncertainty. And I also had known, I couldn't be a part of you anymore let alone the best one.

"No.. " - I muttered under my breath, but loud enough for you to hear without faltering, before getting out of the car and shutting the door behind me and finally allowing the welled up tears to be freely streaming down my face as the realization collapsed onto me; as I finally let my scarred soul stand upright with its head held high; as I finally learned it in a hard way to love oneself first and foremost.

" I needed to be the best part of myself, before letting a part of me to be owned by you according to that will and wish of yours. " - I croaked out, as I kept walking away from you and from the devastating yet beautiful heartache that you had given me, and towards the horizon to watch the sun sinking behind those white puffy clouds with a resolution to become the best part of myself from today onwards.