Bath Time

After the long tough days on the never-ending hamster wheel of life’s working world surrounded by idiots, suck-ups and power-hungry mini-Hitler bosses and working for minimum wage, I just love drawing a long hot bubbly bath to soak in and wash my worries and cares away.

For as far back as I can remember I have never felt like I fit in anywhere and that there was something wrong with me, unknowingly growing up with Bipolar with younger twin sisters -naturally, I was the odd one out and left alone in the shadows of their victorious achievements that my dad had a shrine for with all their trophies and medals on display to be proud of.

I’m delving into my 20’s and where it all began with my struggles with Bipolar in the modern world of work, getting fired, being evicted, and the wild spending sprees mounting in debt that spired out of control but also meeting the love of my life and some special characters along the way.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d had made more effort in school things may have turned out pretty different for me but there was just too much fun to be had making fun of the teachers and getting into lots of naughty trouble instead of listening to how a bunson burner works… why did we even use those things any way I wonder?

Nevertheless here I am, left school with practically no GCSE’s let alone any Uni prospects, then again you can go to Uni and still lack common sense so at least that’s one debt I’ve managed to dodge! Plus - I feel you can just make most of it up on your Cv anyway because who actually checks these silly details…? Hmmm, perhaps I will change the ‘Psychology degree’ to ‘Diploma’ instead just in case that ever comes back to bite me in the arse and maybe list some B/C grades on there instead of all A stars to make it look a bit more realistic as, well, this is me we are talking about! I might come across as a dizzy blonde and quite rightly so sometimes as there is still a hell of a lot for me to learn but I’ve always been emotionally more intelligent than most – wise beyond my years I’ve been told a few times. There - my Cv is complete and ready to apply for jobs with yippee!

 

I’m lucky in the flat I live in as it's so cheap and the bills are included, probably for the fact that it’s a café I live in currently and there is always a lovely smell of greasy frying to greet me in the mornings.

I have finished college now so don’t want to rely on benefits any longer, I need to get a job and start paying the rent as I moved out young – three a crowd and all that with my sisters, Plus I now live alone after having the strength to get rid of my waster ex-boyfriend who was a serial cheater and low life, I managed to change the locks whilst he was in prison - yes prison I have no idea what I was thinking even entertaining such a scum bag but I was young and he was charming, the bad boy effect I guess! So when he was away I managed to be a bit sneaky and bag up all his belongings and change the locks, I and my mum drove to his mother's house and literally dumped all his crap outside her front door. This felt so good like I was entering a whole new beginning and taking back the power and strength from which, I let him drain out of me during our abusive relationship.

Now, still need to find a job, everything is all “go online” now, it’s not like our parents’ generation where you could just walk in somewhere, talk to a manager and get hired

I’d actually rather have no response than all these rejection emails, how can they know I won’t be good if they won’t give me a chance… this is so depressing. And what’s more depressing is rejection emails from jobs I’m barely interested in! I am literally being rejected from jobs I have no desire to even do hmmm. Bath Time!

As I soak and lay in the hot bubbly bath with the radio on, I hear a “recruiting now” advert on the radio – the Coach Pub in Portsmouth, so local to me also, but it’s not exactly my life’s ambition to pull pints but its definitely something I could do especially as I have always been naturally more of a night owl anyway and I think I’d get the job easily I feel as I am so bubbly, outgoing and easy on the eye without being vane, I’ve always been just a little bit fat but then again I’ve never been one to count calories or fad diet so guess I can’t complain. I am a bonified chocaholic and proud to be so!

As I delve into the long task of drying my hair that is such a long-winded chore I leave it half damp as I am too excited at the prospect of phoning up the pub job to speak to the manager regarding applications… must be busy no answer until a young-sounding boy answers the phone letting me know the manager is busy, I think on my feet and tell a white lie explaining the manager is expecting my call back and hastily thank him for putting me through assuming he will – there is a long silent pause and he eventually says “ok I will pop you through now”.

An older sounding lady answers “Hello there, Eileen speaking” I heard in a rushed tone, I introduce myself with probably way too much enthusiasm than most and ask about current vacancies and how to apply… she responds with the standard “are you experienced?” of course I lie as I feel drinking in my friends back garden bar is plenty of experienced gained throughout my childhood.

Eileen asks “where did you gain your experience” I answer “Liquor Hole” as soon as I said this my heart skipped a beat hoping she would laugh – luckily, she did and let me know they were having an open day tomorrow! And that it will be 3 managers with a group interview scenario so be prepared and that I should also bring my cv along with me.

“10 am! Sharp before we open so don’t be late!” she exclaimed! 

I felt like this would be a walk in the park how hard can it be to pull a pint and serve some food? 

I arrive slightly early to the pub to show good punctuality not that time keeping is not a particular asset of mine I actually as I once had to pull over a random car as I was on my last chance for lateness at college when I was studying Psychology and ask him if he will let me jump in his car and take me up the road as I accidently got on the wrong bus! I offered him a fiver but he felt the whole thing was so randomly funny he didn’t accept and wished me luck and actually surprisingly enough got me there on time.

Gosh there is a pool of people here at the pub interview, I am checking out the competition.

Most not dressed smart phew! I am not phased I feel confident I have this in the bag owing to the slightly low-cut top I decided to wear! Well, play the cards you’re delt I think.

I meet a pretentious looking male who is dressed extremely smart looking down his nose at us all I feel “my name is Gareth, please have a seat and each tell me about your strengths and weaknesses” oh god it’s the standard interview questions I feel I should go first to stand out and also in case anyone says the same crap answers as me… “Hello Gareth my name is Jessica and my strengths are being friendly, bubbly, reliable and… my weaknesses are well I suppose I’d have to say – Kryptonite”

Gosh I’m hoping he will laugh at that as I have no idea what my weaknesses are, well actually I do but I am not listing it out to him! I actually want this job so best to avoid to much honesty here I think!

Spending money I haven’t gotGetting into debt Time keepingNail biting Scatter brainedEmotional SwearingBinge drinkingJunk food eating And the list goes on…

 Oh goody he laughs, if he asked me for a real answer I would have probably said I am a perfectionist of some bullocks which is far from the truth as I’ve always been the bigger picture visionary creative type as my attention to detail is shockingly shite!

 “Very good Jessica, nice to meet you” he says and moves onto the next candidate, Christ I have nothing to worry about, most can barely string a sentence together here.

 Oh no just when I think that’s it with Gareth he is now explaining to us all he wants us to bloody role play serving food… as if I have come here from another planet and have no idea how to place a plate on a table correctly, I suck it up and smile and play along as willingly as I can but the whole thing is so ridiculous its laughable but I maintain a straight face and get through the role-play in one piece. 

 Next lady to sit with in a group is Katrina “Hi my names Kat, can you start by introducing yourself and letting me know why you want to work here” she seems lovely, bubbly, friendly and down to earth I can tell we will like each other.

 Blonde attractive outgoing lady I like her style, I am like a mini version of her in a way I feel, I start by saying I love the idea of being in a social role and being able to put my communication skills to good use etc… she is nodding along and smiling at me which is positive. I can tell the guy next to me is a no go as he is struggling to even make eye contact bless him.

 Last but not least our little group moves onto Eileen the manager who I spoke to the night before, gosh she looks even more scary in real life.

 Dressed in a man’s type of suit outfit plump and short mousy hair In her late 50’s I’d imagine and can’t help but feel that she is jealous of any younger good looking girl.

 I go to shake her hand, but she ignores me, so embarrassing maybe she didn’t see me?

 She then turns to me after speaking to the other candidates and ask’s “are you flexible with evenings and weekends?” my initial thought is hell no I love getting off my face at these times with my friends but I am desperate for this job, so I reply “oh yes fully flexible” 

 And that was it she thanked me for coming and said she will be in touch – I handed her my Cv in the hope she would remember me as there didn’t seem to be a clear plan on gathering everyone’s contact details which I was bemused with in all honestly.

 All I can do I wait!

 As I walk home going over the questions and answers in my head as you do I feel quite a burst of fun energy pulsing through me it was exciting, and I was hopeful of an offer.

 To my dismay as I approach my flat I notice Gary – the ex-boyfriend making a call on his phone with his back to me luckily he cant see me so I sneak indoors and double lock the door!

 I lean out of the lounge upstairs window as he is banging on the door now shouting “why the fuck doesn’t my key work” I reply “because you no longer live here why don’t you go and stay with that tart you slept with” feeling rather embarrassed about public scenes of embarrassment I warn him if he doesn’t go I will phone the police and knowing he is on tag or probably probation he is scared of this, “all your things are safely at your mother’s house so leave me alone you no longer live here” his face is gobsmacked, he can’t believe I have thrown him out! The flats in my name anyway and I paid all the deposit if anything, he owes me money for all the violent damage he had caused but I was happy to cut my losses!

 He had a shocked stunned bemused look on his face as it obviously didn’t quite compute that I would have ever done this to him, he pauses for a while and we just stare at each other, I draw my curtains and peak through watching him walk off , oh good I feel a wave of ease course through me as I watch him leave I thought he might have tried to kick down the door wow that was a relief!

 I can’t quite believe I have taken all my power back and owned this whole situation; I feel I deserve a big drinky!

 I call my friend Amy over for drinks to celebrate me having an interview (any excuse) and of course the newly being single!! she is my childhood school friend, both Gemini’s and love having fun!

 She has quite the controversial jobs actually she is a pole dancer, and does extremely well at it too – she is making a mint and is super sexy with long shiny brown hair and gorgeous blue eyes all the men always try and come onto her when we go out its fun getting lots of drinks bought for us too be honest but not so fun having to listen to how much they earn like a big pissing contest set out to try and impress us.

 Amy rocks up in her Audi convertible she looks so stylish and always oozing with confidence, we decide to get 3 bottle of wine for ten pounds and drink nearly all of them at my flat laughing about Gary and how much of an idiot he must feel for treating me so poorly and ending up with nothing, excited we are now both single together, I get dressed up as we are starving now and fancy an Indian we venture off to a restaurant and stuff our faces of course we are both boring and order Korma’s with very little money I have Amy decides to chat up the 2 blokes on the next table, as I come out of the bathroom I notice they are now both sitting with us! Both good looking men ordering far too many drinks for us all they happily offer to pay the whole bill which is good, they ask to come back to mine for karaoke and dancing and I said no but then realised I can do this sort of thing now actually so decided to say why the hell not! Yes ok!!

 I’ve never been one to sleep around and I’ve certainly never had a one-night thing but maybe a kiss would be ok this guy seems pretty interested and keeps touching my leg and whispering me compliments which I’ll admit feels amazing after the year of neglect and abuse, so we all go back to mine for fun.

 Me and Amy love singing and aren’t that bad having taken performing arts lessons in school the stage is ours and the to two blokes are our audience, its getting late and I need my bed so I leave them lot in the front room having fun but the bloke Dan comes in my bedroom throwing me against the wall and kissing me, I am so taken aback by this I say look I’m just really tired and recently come out of a relationship but he keeps going, in the end I have to push him away as he is coming on way to strong! And I felt it was borderline annoying as I literally wasn’t in the mood for anything like this but didn’t know what to say!

 Amy rushes in and asks if I am ok? They both decide it’s a good idea to leave and me and Amy snuggle up in bed drifting off to the land of nod

 I wake with a mouth like the Sahara desert gasping for something anything to quench my thirst and I grab the nearest drink to me thinking its juice when in fact its bloody wine that Amy had poured into a bottle to take out with us to save money! “eer yuk!” I scream as I spit it all out everywhere waking Amy who is now in fits of giggles, I rush to the kitchen to wash my mouth out and make us both a NORMAL drink to quench our thirst and as we are now both wide awake we notice our tummy’s rumbling but seeing as its 3am ish there is only 2 options kebab or pizza! We decide to go for pizza even though we did have dinner that night we were both unexpectedly starving. Still feeling drunk I can hardly manage to get my words out properly over the phone to make the order, Amy is giggling away at me and so am I now but manage to make the order and Amy is so sweet handing me her bank card to pay for the food, when I arrives we lay in bed together and gobble up our food like a couple of animals in a zoo, falling back to sleep and laying in way past noon like a pair of absolute slobs we wake with the light streaming in as we must have been to drunk to close the curtains, Amy gets up and dressed in a rush worried about her little dog she has left alone over night and wants to get back, to her dismay she has notices she has a parking ticket on her car! I forgot its permit now where I live now and should have given her one of my guest tickets!! I feel terrible and obviously need to offer to pay for this even though I still don’t have a sodding job, ah luckily, I can see the ticket man standing by his car the bastard! Amy seductively walks towards him with a confused look on her face waving her ticket at him expecting him to fall at her feet and apologise for the issuing her the ticket. 

 Of course this didn’t happen, he was playing hard ball and refused to undo his ticket that he had issued Amy, she of course calls him a few slights and angrily walks back with me towards her car and my flat, she refuses to let me pay for it but I have a better, naughty little idea instead, I feed birds on my roof top balcony so I decide to grab all my bird seed and sneak back to the traffic wardens car once he has moved onto his next victim in the area of another poor person visiting a loved one to ruin their day.

 We sprinkle the ENTIRE bag of bird seed all over his car and sit and watch out my lounge window at all the birds flocking over, on, and around his car. Making mess and scratching with their landing on his car brings a sense of evil satisfaction to us as we laugh our heads off at the fact, he has no idea his precious car is being absolutely swamped and torn apart by all these little pigeons!

 I felt like I was providing a sense of my very own karma for him to be inconvenienced as he has bestowed the same inconvenience upon my best friend, Amy wanted to stay to see his reaction, but she was growing increasingly worried about her Alfie dog so had to dash but I promised to film it for her instead as for me this was better than watching Tv.

 I actually love watching the birds I get a sense of freedom as I gaze upon them flying free together not pressured by societies routines and laws and I think people forget pigeons even played a part in us winning the war at one point with their letter deliveries in a time before phones, so I love them!

  

 Alone now I check my phone expecting at least one missed call from the pub job dying for me to work there but I have no messages or missed calls! Not even from my mum, how strange… maybe I should call the pub but that might be a bit pushy, who am I kidding I am pushy and if I want something I usually get it without sounding spoilt! I remember Amy mentioning I could always go and be a stripper like her but its just not me, I lack the confidence let alone the figure… right I psyche myself up to ring the pub and just try and act casual and breezy asking if they had made their decisions yet – I get Eileen the manager on the phone “Hello there Eileen speaking” in her solum tone, “Ah yes hello it’s Jessica from the group interview yesterday, just curious to see if you have any feedback from the group interview?” I didn’t sound casual and breezy at all I sounded desperate and pathetic!! But hey ho here I am awaiting her answer.

 “Ah Jessica, you are actually the first to call as we decided not to call anyone on the basis that we were waiting for candidates to call us to show how their commitment to our vacancies, as you have shown initiative in calling us, I would very much like to offer you a position here at the Coach and Horses – when can you start” Eileen asked.

 Wow that was a shock, so glad I phoned now and didn’t wait, I reply “That’s great to hear I can start Monday if this suits you?” “Yes, wear black and be here for 11am for induction training”

 “Ok will do – thanks again and bye for now” I reply eagerly, it might be minimum wage but its my first proper job and glad I said Monday to start and not tomorrow I need at least another day to get over this hangover! Plus I think it’s actually a sin to even work on a Sunday they should make it illegal across the whole world not to work on a Sunday but then again who would deliver me dominos cookies…. Hmm? Maybe not!

 I quickly face time Amy to show her the traffic wardens reaction as he is rushing over to his precious car! We are is fits of giggles so much so it hurts my tummy, he is waving them away in a frantic panic and people are stopping to stare and even record on their own phones I notice, must be a universal truth that its just such a hated job to be in how can he sleep at night knowing he is making a living off inflicting misery onto his fellow man? He drives away and I notice my neighbour is looking up at me smirking as I think I may have got him out of getting a ticket also! Well I am a good neighbour I suppose he will let me off for all the late karaoke sessions at my house now…? Hmm

  

 Oh god I’m getting a call from the Chinese landlady now, Yen! best to ignore I feel as I am ever so slightly late with this month’s rent, I listen to the voicemail “Jessica – I need the money! What happening?” she is screeching in her funny accent. I can’t help but laugh but also at the same time cry that the thought of being chased for money or maybe evicted… I decide to text her explaining I have a new job now and the money will be late so sorry and then I just sit and hope for the best, I sob for a while at the prosect of living alone and going at life solo now and having no one to fall back on is so worrying to me I feel myself shlumping into one of my deep Bipolar depressions I stay in bed all day feeling sorry for myself eating junk and crying into my pillow as although I felt liberated before I think the comedown of the booze combined with the reality dawning upon me of life alone hits me.

 I wake Sunday morning – late morning I have never been an early riser EVER! I hate getting up early I am not an early bird in the slightest I think people should all be allowed to lay in longer I think the working week is actually too much averaging 40 hours per week is ridiculous I think but we have to do it to stay afloat grrr!

 I decide today is a new day and at least the sun is shining as living in England this is a rarity we must not take for granted I play my Fleetwood mac album to cheer me up and sing along to while I dance in my bedroom picking out my all black outfit I must wear preparing for tomorrows first day on the job, I want to buy something new to be honest but should really look in my wardrobes as I have 2! Plus way too many clothes I forget what I have to wear, ah yes! This will do perfectly! I decide against black trousers I’m not one to ever wear trousers or jeans I know its strange to most but I much prefer skirts or dresses I will wear my black skirt with tights and a black blouse not too low cut as I suppose there will be a lot of drunks and old men leering at me – great! But at the same time kinda like the idea of being in the spotlight even if it is just on a bar.

 I decide its best to do all my beauty regium prep the night before, so I feel ready and fresh I curl my long blonde hair and stick my natural looking strip lashes on as I just hate mascara and find these are so much better than my own crap lashes, I set 3 alarms of course as I don’t want to over sleep for 9am! Which I know to most will sound so pathetic, but I am a night owl not a morning person!!

 I snooze both alarms and then decide its finally time to get up and ready for my first day at work rushing around getting ready I make sure I have time for my morning cigarette and cup of coffee to spring into action yes I am ready and as I go to leave the house I notice its bloody pissing it down! Oh no! my mum is always buying me umbrellas, but I can never remember where I put them all! Gosh I really don’t want to be late, I try to phone a taxi but of course they are not answering as the whole city can’t bare to be caught in the rain everyone must be phoning! Grr ok I decide to look through and find a coat with a hood! Yes I can wear this as its only a shrrt walk! Brilliant I tell myself well done and panic over, I scurry along on my way to work with butterflies in my tummy wondering what the people will be like.

 I am greeted by a rude lady who of course thinks I am beneath her as she has been there a lot longer than me, she looks me up and down and says “you got the job then?” no hello my name is… or nice to meet you just you got the job then! I could be friendly and polite, but I decide not to be a suck up even if I am new I just reply “well obviously” Debbie takes me upstairs to put my pinny on and show me the cloakroom and has no qualms in warning me I can’t wear my hair down for hygiene regulations… I decide to ignore this as she is not my manager plus I really prefer my hair down I like to flick it about as I walk and play with it sometimes.

 I meet Gareth in the bar area and he says nothing about my hair but I suppose he wouldn’t as he is a man and doesn’t think about these things, now I have to pretend I vaguely know what I am doing since I stupidly stated I have experience in working on a bar! He is staring at me pulling a practice pint for a customer when I realise I am holding the glass all wrong, he laughs luckily as the froth is going everywhere and making a mess and shows me how to do it properly, lucky for me I am an extremely quick learner I think having Bipolar our brains works quicker and faster than most so able to take in more info as a whole, he shows me all around the bar and asks me to go out the back into the cellar to change the barrel! Oh holy fuck! He thinks I can do stuff like this, Christ I have no idea what to do… on my way through I quicky grab the nearest staff member Karl and drag him into the cellar with me, he is so confused at my bulshy approach and asks “hey what the hell? Are you ok?” “please help me change this barrel I am new” he laughs and agrees to show me! I feel a sigh of relief as he is going all out to impress me with his barrel changing skills I nod along encouragingly and head on back to the bar with a smile on my face, when Gareth asks if I have done it I casually reply yes all done fosters should be ready to pour now.

 He checks and to his dismay it’s working I got the impression he was expecting me not to know what to do and quite rightly so but how mean of him to put me in that position on my first day I thought!

 I feel like I have the bar down now, as long as everyone orders fosters and that’s it forever! Still need to learn the other drinks and where they are on this mind field of a till they use.

 Its so complex and small print I have no idea why people make font so small why not have it large for everyone to see instead of the other way around, hey ho I am getting lots of tips we are allowed to keep £2 change for anyone offering to buy us a drink which I will definitely be exploiting might even make it compulsory if they want to be served by me hehe. Oh no Gareth now is asking me to learn “the floor” which is what they call waitressing, I really would rather prefer to stay on the bar in all honesty it’s a small area with easy drinks to prepare not all this rushing about clearing away all the kids messy crap they have left behind them. I agree of course and try and act as though I am enthusiastic about the idea of being shouted at when the inevitable happens and the dinner orders are wrong, and I will have to rectify with a smile on my face pretending I actually care.

 I am buddied up with a pretty girl about the same age as me 20, who shows me the rope and is actually rather bossy in her teachings as I keep forgetting the steak plates need a steak knife she actually looks really angry with me and shouts at me for forgetting this info again.

 I am more annoyed at myself for forgetting but I make sure I doesn’t happen again and actually pretty pleased at the amount of tips I am getting form the tables, It just takes a friendly smile and people are actually quite generous wow!

 Maybe the floor isn’t so bad after all. Jaz can hear all my tips rattling around in my pinny and quickly explains “by the way the tips on the floor need to be shared equally amongst the staff in the kitchen as well you know!” I am actually gobsmacked at this considering the so called chefs get paid more plus the fact a tip in my eyes is a service charge meaning people are tipping the service! I agree as it’s my first day.

 Now 3 months in and probation compete I decide my tips are mine and I will not be sharing anymore moving forward, also Jaz keeps telling me to put my hair up which is annoying as she is not my manager so I don’t pay much attention but this infuriates her the fact I don’t listen to her I know she will whisper in Eileen’s ear the moment she gets so I might just wear my hair up whenever she is on duty but that’s rare anyway considering she is the manager you never see her, Kat does everything, we get on like a house on fire also me and Kat and Jaz is rather envious of our relationship as we make each other laugh way too much on shift.

 Kat comes over to me and Jaz on the bar and lets me know “we have a new girl called Hollie starting tonight and I want you Jess to show her the ropes” even I felt this was odd considering I’d been here 3 months and Jaz had been here a year but I agreed and was excited at the prospect of training a new person as I want to make her feel welcome and at ease something I did not experience myself when starting.

 Jaz’s face is horrified at the prospect and her chin drops to the floor in utter disbelief that kat has chosen me instead of jobs worth Jaz!

 Jaz exclaims “Kat are you sure as I would love to help out training…?” Kat replies abruptly as she quickly rushes away being busy “no you’re alright Jaz just keep working hard my babes let Jess handle it thanks!”

 Jaz smiled at me in a fake manner and carried on working, I turn back round to serve the next customer on the bar and I just no she has heard the tips rattling against each other in my pinny as I bent down I tried to stop and cough to disguise the noise but it was so loud it was too obvious to pretend otherwise, she then asked the inevitable “are those tips form working on the floor in your pinny Jess?” I couldn’t help but laugh and I just said “yes they are mate, I earnt them so what really – you should keep yours too” not that she ever gets as much as me its not fair for me to keep sharing them out its shite money we are on and this is one of the perks I think!

 She doesn’t know what to say but I know there will be repercussions for this she walks off in a huff, oh goody Kevin my favourite customer is here again at the bar I rush over to take his order and catch up on what’s new as I love talking to him, I am actually really attracted to him he is older than me but full of fire and passion when he speaks and I can tell he has morals etc… we get along so well I really enjoy it when he comes in and orders his little fosters, he sometimes gets meal too and sits at the bar I hope I don’t talk to much he might just come in for peace and quiet and have a whole family at home who knows – in know I will sneakily find out during a convo I will ask probing questions.

 There is a really annoying old man that sits at the end of the bar and just knocks his own chalice that he brings in to drink out of on the bar making a banging noise when ever he is ready for his next drink it’s so rude! He smells really bad also I find myself on countless occasions spraying air freshener around him hoping he will one day take the hint and fuck off home to have a bath! This never happens.

 As he bangs his glass on the bar I usually pretend not to hear as I find it rude! Plus I am in the middle of a gripping conversation with Kevin but really I know I should do what I am paid to do and service Pete, so I wonder over and he yells “usual!” in a demanding tone, I deicide that today I have just had enough and accidently on purpose decide to drop and smash his precious pint glass with a handle on the floor, I immediately regret this but it’s too late there are pieces of glass everywhere what a mess, Pete is so annoyed and yells “you clumsy idiot” Kev looks over and says “steady on mate, it’s not her fault” but it was my fault I did it intentionally but now secretly laughing in my head at my silly petty win I start apologise to Pete and start clearing away the glass.

 Pete is so upset he loved that glass and I feel good as hopefully this will teach him a lesson! Hehe

 6pm and my Hollie is at the bar ready for her first shift, she is beautiful, tall dark hair and dark features she is just gorgeous to look at wow! I introduce myself making her feel at ease as I can tell she is nervous, she is so friendly and nice I can tell we will be friends, I show her the ropes and she actually does have experience so I don’t need to worry too much she is fantastic at the job, oh no the barrel needs changing I casually ask Hollie to pop along and do this and she agrees. I still have no idea how to change them! I always just ask someone else to do it for me instead! 

 6 months in and I am a pro at the job now! And surprisingly enough we actually have a wedding booked! Who the hell would have their wedding here I thought? But then again maybe they are on a budget…?

 I am instructed by Eileen who has made an appearance to make sure everything runs smoothly to carry a tray of sugary frosted champagne glasses to the closed off wedding section of the pub she looks at me and says worryingly “now Jess are you sure you can manage this?” I reply “yes of course I will be fine” I breeze on over carrying the tray of glasses and offer them out circulating the wedding guests, I get to the bride who looks amazing in her dress and as she goes to take a glass another guest goes to take one making my tray completely off balance now! Oh no! the worst has happened! the whole tray has gone falling onto the floor and the drinks all pouring down the train on the brides wedding dress, she is mortified and glaring at me with hate they didn’t smash as it was carpet but still I am absolutely humiliated and I can see Jaz in the corner of my eye sniggering at me and my epic fail.

 I feel terrible I scurry around the bride trying my best to clean her off but she rushes off to the bathroom instead and I don’t blame her I think it was making it worse as my cloth wasn’t the cleanest and she was wearing bright white of course not that I suspect she is a virgin but who cares these days aye!

 As I pick up the empty spilled glasses and scurry back to the kitchen wanting to die Jaz calls over “Jess, oh Jess – Eileen has asked to see you upstairs now!” oh no she must have told her what happened! “ok yes I reply” trying to act like everything is fine but really I am pancaking.

 I walk upstairs I have never actually been in the managers office apart form quickly to sign my contract which I didn’t see the point as it was zero hours anyway which I feel I totally ridiculous it doesn’t work both ways at all it works in the managers best interests not the staffs!

 I hesitantly knock the door in a cowardly fashion – Eileen “yes!?” I open the door and say “Jaz mentioned you wanted to see me” 

 She went on to ask me “what the hell just happened to the bride downstairs?” I explained that it was a complete accident… she interrupted me and started raising her voice saying this was the first mistake I have made… I was shell shocked I didn’t realise shed been watching and scrutinising my movements. She said she had no choice but to give me my first warning, I felt powerless, a sinking feeling in the pit of my tummy and I wanted to cry but I managed to hold my tears back I gulped and just said oh ok then. I didn’t even argue it I just went along with this ridiculous ploy, she made me sign s stupid piece of paper accepting and acknowledging my warning – I sculked back downstairs and went straight to the bathroom to lock myself in the toilet and burst into the tears I had previously just been holding back, it felt good to release them but awful at the same time, I can hear someone coming into the bathroom “are you ok Jess?” oh good its Hollie, we are really good friends now since working here together and she offers me her make up to cover up my red cheeks from crying. We hug each other and she makes me laugh as the whole incident in hindsight is actually quite funny.

 I swap my close shift with Hollies quiet ending shift and head on home thank God that days over.

 I run a boiling hot bath and soak in it for longer than I should but as I lay in the bubbles I cant help feeling frustrated with myself that I didn’t stand up for myself at all! I vowel if ever I am confronted with this type of conduct again, I will be ready, professional, and armed with my inner Jessy power that I usually have.

 I can feel a fleeting Bipolar depression coming on again as I lay in the bath I cry again, I am either really happy and full of fire or completely deflated and left feeling worthless there is no happy medium with me it seems and I hate this feeling of sadness and emptiness.

 I can’t sleep that night I just can’t switch off from all the bad feeling and worry when I finally do manage to sleep I wake at the horrifying realisation I have overslept for work missing all 3 alarms its 12noon I was suppose to be at work at 11am Christ I have loads of missed calls I should have been there to open up for the morning! That was the agreement for going home early the night before.

 I stopped for a moment and thought to myself no job is worth this amount of stress and worry! And I am done with being made to feel like shit now. I call the pub and apologise for being late I was honest and say I have overslept and let Eileen know I am on my way now, she is only annoyed that she actually had to do some work for once in her lazy life!

 I arrive just after half past 12 in a fluster and Jaz is there with her stupid smug face to greet me I felt like punching her but I’m not the violent type in all fairness but still would like to wipe that smile off her face for sure.

 I do let her boss me around most of the day as I won’t rise to her silly ways, as the day goes on things are actually going well loads of tips on the floor and I am in totally in work mode I think it’s made me work extra harder to earn some brownie points, oh good Kat is now in for her shift I go over and we have a little giggle together before she starts work and this makes me feel so much better being in her company is like a breath of fresh air she is so funny and warm to be around, Jaz rushes over “Jess, Eileen wants to see you in her office now!” she barks at me oh gosh I am probably going to have to sign another silly bit of paper about being late now – well I won’t I will refuse I think in my head before approaching the office door I feel ready for her.

 I knock and enter the small unorganised office room, Eileen turns her chair around and says “I hear you have gone the extra mile this evening, is this you making up for being late” I reply “yes – something like that I think, I am sorry I overslept” Eileen smiles “at least you’re honest about why you were late I can’t stand it when staff lie!! But this is not why I have called you here, I have been made aware that you aren’t sharing your tips… is this true?” oh God Jaz must have told her! My heart quickens but then I think well actually yes why not I have earned them fair and square “the thing is Eileen a tip is a service charge so people are tipping for the service I have provided, plus the chefs are on more money anyway…” I say rather forcefully.

 Eileen nods in agreement to my surprise, I can’t help but feel she admires my standing up for myself, “I think it’s only fair you have this out with Karl the kitchen manager in a one on one debate!” she proposes, what!? Gosh this will make me popular amongst the back of house staff I fear, “ok when?” I ask “now” Eileen exclaims!

 She asks me to follow her downstairs to the cellar collecting Karl for a word on the way, she explains to Karl the situation and he says “ah yes I am glad we are doing this! It’s not fair to work here and not be a team player!” Christ not the ‘team player’ speech I thought – “since when did being a team player involve sharing our earnings?” I reply

 I make both points again of how chefs get paid more and those tips are for the service received, Karl looks stunned he’s started to stutter and mumble he doesn’t know what to say. “I am speaking on behalf of all the front of house staff we all don’t think it’s fair” 

 Karl quickly butts in and says if that’s true, lets ask the front of house staff then because I don’t believe you at all Jess I think you’re being selfish!!

 Eileen suggests to Gareth who has just walked in to grab some stock to fetch a couple of front of house staff quickly and send them into us

 Great I wasn’t actually speaking on behalf of anyone I just said this to sound winning, I hope they agree with me and don’t fold under the pressure of management I think to my myself.

 I look over as the cellar door opens – oh no the worst person to have been chosen, Jaz! She clearly will not be in my favour at all, ah followed by Hollie at least she will definitely be on my side. Well it’s not hard do you want to keep the money you have earned or share it with people out back on a higher wage? I giggle to myself.

 Eileen explains what’s going on to Jaz and Hollie and then asks “So… is Jess speaking for you as front of house also?” Hollie smiles at me and looks side to side, she hates confrontation, and she is more of a sit on the fence type which annoys me as she is umming and erring Jaz to my shock and surprise interrupts her and says “Yes! Absolutely I agree with Jess” wow what a contrast, we did clash but she is good to have in my corner as she is a valued member of staff plus she is losing out on tips she has earned maybe she really must need the money sticking up for me and us who knows? Now that Jaz has come forward in agreement I think this fuels Hollie to give a nod in agreement phew wow they are both singing to my little tips tune this feels great, Karl is frowning now and shaking his head looking at Eileen for support, Eileen says “well there we have it then, the front of house keep their own tips and I don’t want to hear any more about this understood!?” 

 We all agree, and I feel so happy having won the debate, that was thrilling and my adrenaline was pulsing through me it felt liberating and exciting I wanted to have a drink now to celebrate! Me and Hollie sneak 2 triple sambuca shots in a glass and neck them both out back both giggling our heads off she gives me a mint to hide the fact we are drinking on shift as this is a sackable offence but I’ve always lived in the fast lane in life and Hollie although comes across meek and mild is actually a little wild child too which I love “love you Hollie we are partners in crime” I say as I hug her, she laughs and noddingly agrees. We hear shouting at the bar so rush on out as we are suppose to be working, Gareth is breaking up a confrontation between two lads about to have a fight by the looks of things, he settles them down but warns “anymore trouble and you will both be bared” I wonder over to Kevin who is sat at the bar and ask him to fill me in on the gossip he explains “it’s the bloke in the red top starting trouble Jessy, he’s been drinking shots for over an hour piping up and getting lairy” Kevin calls me Jessy which I quite like to be honest. “Ah I see thanks for the gossip” I say while I am busy serving on the bar.

 As its pay day plus we are allowed to keep our tips I think its only fitting to have drinks after work I suggest to Hollie “fuck yes girl” she doesn’t need asking twice!

I finish work before Hollie so I sit the other side of the bar and order double vodkas and coke of course she only rings it through on the till as a coke which we wink at each other and sneakily giggle about while I pass her the cash.

 I pop to the loos to freshen up as if I am going to be chatting to Kevin I want to look my sexy best even if I am in my work wear.

 The conversation is flowing and we have so much in common that we are laughing about three double vodkas and £3 later Hollie is finally finishing up, as Kevin is talking to me I can’t help but notice what great eyes he has he is intense looking directly into my eyes when we speak holding his stare we laugh and giggle at funny stories he is telling me, god I hope he is single I think to myself, I know I will just cyber stalk him to find out… “what’s your last name?” I ask “Andrews” he replies oh I like that Jessica Andrews has a real ring to it I think to myself jumping way ahead of myself not to mention I have never had a desire to even want to get married but I will remember his name for later on when I want to stalk him hehe! Goody here comes Hollie! We immediately take over the juke box and start dancing and singing along like a pair of idiots, Eileen can’t stand staff staying for drinks and having fun so we hope she stays upstairs doing nothing as usual.

 Lots of men have joined the dance floor now trying to creep up and grind up against me and Hollie I can’t help but notice Kevin looking over my way towards me as I dance, oh no it’s the drunk guy in the red top approaching! I try and dance away from him but he keeps trying to spin me around whilst his pint of beer keeps splashing all over me, he wont give up and grabs me and then slaps me really hard on my arse! God that actually hurt I push him away and rush outside for a smoke, as I spark my fag up he comes out following me rubbing up against me “come on babes I love a blonde me” he splutters I try and wriggle out of his grip “please get off I just want to smoke my fag ok” I couldn’t think of anything to say he wont get off and kisses me holding my head in place, I slap him and we are now interlocked he wont let go of me “oi you’ve got 5 seconds to get your fucking hands off Jessy now!” oh wow it’s Kevin to my rescue what a hero I think, oh no they are both squaring up to each other now the guy in the red shirt has been itching for a fight and now he has it “who are you? Come on then” Kev punches the guy clean in the face leaving him falling to the floor I run back in to get some help “Gareth, Gareth please come quick it’s all kicking off outside” Gareth comes out and breaks the pair up luckily and then says “you are both bared!” I can’t believe it I try and tell Gareth what happened, but I fear I am already in trouble drinking here causing trouble I don’t want Kevin to be banned to I voice what happened “Kevin was defending me Gareth please don’t bar him” “3 months bar I am afraid” he forcefully says.

 I look into Kevin’s eyes and apologise “you have nothing to be sorry for Jessy” I hear Hollie calling me over – oh no our bloody taxi is here I have to run but don’t want to leave Kevin like this after all he has done she calls again “Hurry the fuck up Jess!” Gareth looks down at me and warns “I’ll deal with you when you’re next on shift” and walks back inside. 

 I rush off to the taxi, Kevin calls “don’t I get a goodbye then” I run back towards him excitedly and in a rush I hug him and also kiss him hard and passionately “you do yes and also a kiss!” we linger in each other’s arms smiling but I have to rush off to get in the taxi with Hollie who is shouting “oi oi” so embarrassing I get in the taxi and tell her to shut up as we both laugh hysterically at what just happened.

 “I’ve still got some wine at mine if you fancy it Hollie?” she agrees as I live so local also. Back up in my flat we both get changed into our pj’s and pour the drinks laying on the sofa, “I could kick myself not getting Kevins number” ah but I remember he told me his second name!! Hollie is straight on the cyber stalk case as she is such a technical wizard genius which I love as I am not.

 “Oh nooo Jess! I don’t think he is on social media at all I can’t find him!” she yells in disappointment for me, I am so upset now I wish I asked him for his number but I am quite old fashioned I think it should be the man who asks!! But at this rate I’ll be single forever.

 Hmmm it was so much simpler in the olden days I think within one conversation they were just off to be wed hey ho I start dwelling on the fact that Gareth is now gunning for me replaying his silly comment “I’ll deal with you when you are next on shift” this kind of drama worries me and keeps me from sleeping properly when I think of it over and over I hate this feeling of anxiety!

At least its my day off work tomorrow, family day! Yey meal with my sisters and mummy who I love although we all argue like crazy they are my girls and we love each other so much.

 I wake with 3 missed calls from my mum, oh no I’ve slept in again! Hollie is already gone she is an early bird and probably didn’t want to wake me, there is knocking at my door I rush down to answer it and it’s my mum ready to take me lunch, “oh you’re not ready and what are you dressed in you look like a prostitute” she says in her usual disapproving routine

 “oh mum they are calls pyjamas actually and I’ll get dressed now sorry I am late”

 Oh great as I lead her in and upstairs I can already hear the moans of the state of the flat as me and Hollie has a messy sesh the night before “oh been drinking I see” mum says “yes mum it’s what people do and it’s fun” she’s not a big drinker since she was married to my dad who was a raging alcoholic I was so happy when they finally divorced he was so strict and mum was the opposite free loving hippy type which I love.

 As I throw on something quick to wear, we head on to our local Harvester where the twins already are as they both drive their little mopeds I see them parked already as we arrive.

 They do like to gang on up on me to save favour with mum sometimes so when I am around them I always feel on my guard, threes a crowd! I wish I could be closer to the twins but they have their own secret club I am not allowed to enter I feel.

 I wonder over to the salad bar and my heart skips a beat, that’s Kevin stood there I think he say “Kev?” he turns around but it’s not him I apologise embarrassingly and my sister snigger at me for looking a fool, I can’t get our kiss out of my head! I really wish I see him again!

 Mum does her usual routine and orders something she doesn’t much like and ends up having to send something back – we all laugh at this each time and make a cheers to me toast for getting my new job! My sister Hayley also makes an announcement “I have decided to take a 6momth job in Australia next month” she screams! “what!!??” yells Lotty she can’t believe she had kept this from her and will be leaving, those two are so close. We are all stunned and smile encouragingly… “wow this is exciting Hayley” I say, my mum adds “watch out for those naughty spiders Hayleyboobaa” mum is so funny a typical mumsy mum so caring and dippy. Mum has a new boyfriend called Gaz! he is the most bizarre character I’ve ever met but so funny, it’s hard to believe he was ever a policeman with all the wrong turns he takes whilst driving home even with directions from my mum – the back seat driver.

 Ah home again and I think it’s time for a nice long soak! Plus having Bipolar I have a super high sex drive and recently discovered if I take my shower head down and change the water flow settings it can prove VERY pleasurable indeed! Naughty me!

 As I rub the shower head over me back and forth, I lay there closing my eyes thinking about my kiss with Kevin, I wish I had stayed or asked him back that night even just to get to know him more and carry on the night… I imagine what he would be like in bed as I rub myself with the shower head, just then the shower water has decided to burst out scolding hot water down there and I scream out in pain! “fuuuuuuck” that hurt and seriously not in the mood any longer so I wrap my towel around me and let myself drip dry sitting on the sofa I decide to write a poem as Kevin’s kiss has inspired me to write something romantic and I love writing, especially poetry.

 I call it Moonlit Magic! (as it was a full moon when he kissed me) ah! Maybe that’s why there was chaos that night as I read somewhere in my spiritual hippy books we are predominantly made up of water and it’s the moon that controls the tides pulling the water in etc… I think this must play a part on how we behave on a full moon especially in the word Luna – must bring out the lunatics inside of us aye! hehe 

 Moonlit Magic

 The moon is a full and bright one this evening

 The Luna lights coursing – my souls receiving

 There’s my knight in shining armor

 He is all things good in cosmic karma

 Strolling the sandy shore towards his shadow

 That Luna magnetic pull up onto his saddle

 Watching all those stars dancing upon the waves of the sea-bed

 Feeling his energy course through me, “I've found you” – he said

 Is it dusk or is it dawn? No longer a problem I need mourn

 Let us lay and gaze at the dancers twinkling under the moonlit sky

 Talking for hours, never forgetting to always ask -why?

 There poem done, I like it, not that many people I know appreciate poetry these days its all-big lips, boobs, bum and fake everything gosh what an insecure society we live in I really feel I was born in the wrong decade to be honest.

 I sit and have a good think about what job I want to do and it dawns on me! I would absolutely love to help others get a job, so recruitment I think would be a great role to be in – I don’t have any experience, but I can sure as hell start by searching and applying…

 I open my laptop and start applying, oh no lots of the roles say graduate or experience only… oh well I will still apply! And hope for the best.

 I feel I should update my Cv now also – fuck it I will add in the ‘about me’ section that “I am in dire need of something more mentally stimulating” I giggle to myself as I write it and probably will regret it in the morning but I tick the boxes on the job boards to indicate the sector of recruitment that I am interested in and hope my phone will be buzzing with offers. Its not of course its 10pm, but even if it was office hour time I doubt recruitment companies would be interested in a bar maid with no recruitment experience…. One can dream! Ah nothing on Tv as usual I have no idea why I am even paying all this money for virgin when I don’t use it at all its all about streaming now days anyway, I know I will watch the notebook as I love this classic romantic, I fall asleep on the sofa in my towel and wake to the door knocking the next morning, I rush down in my towel – ah it’s the post man getting a good eye full of me now as my towel is slipping and I am trying to carry all the parcels I have stupidly ordered on my lovely credit card whilst trying to cover my naked body from the outside world including the learning post man! 

 Oh goody I love getting packages and parcels in the post! Its so exciting getting presents I know I am going to like as I myself have selected each one, apart from if it’s a dress with a zip! Zips are the enemy when trying to squeeze into it…

 Uh! Loads of bills I throw them on the side to deal with at a later date, unless I order things the only things in the post are bad news! Everyone just wanting money from me and I hardly earn enough to live here alone I am always dodging something. Note to self – must make sure I always look out the window before answering the door as most of my letters have turned to the red writing now! This scares me even more so I avoid ahh!

 Well I’ve ordered a gorgeous sequin dress what with it being sparkle season – xmas I am sure there will be an event I can wear this too soon yey.

 I look at the time realising I should be getting ready for work 3pm I start today and not looking forward to Gareth after his “I will deal with you later” nonsense form the drunken antics.

 I ride decide to ride my bike as Gaz fixed the slow puncture I have honestly I am a typical girl can’t fix anything myself but this is what men are for I think! 

 Jaz is smoking in the kitchen garden where I park my bike, she is nicer to me now I feel I have earnt her respect after the prospect that she now gets to keep all her tips, it’s still awkward between us to be honest but an improvement non the less, I am due to start work but my phone is ringing, it’s a local number… maybe it’s a job!! A recruitment job I wonder…?

 I sneak into the cellar where no one is and take the call in a quiet yet assertive voice when answering the phone – “Hello is that Jessica” I hear a mans voice eager to talk to me I know this is definitely a work call, or maybe its debt collectors so I say instead “who is it” not confirming its me! “Hello this is Dave here from Recruitment Associates” yippee 

 think to myself and reply “ah hello Dave thanks for calling” he goes on to say he chuckled at the line in my cv of in dyer need of something more stimulating and as I ticked the box indicating I was interested in recruitment on cv library he wanted to have a chat about current opportunities!

 I am so excited everything he is saying is going in one ear and out the other as I am nervous to be caught at work on a call about a new job, he says “tell me about yourself and what it is you’re looking for Jess” I go on to say I have great communication skills and love the thought of being a recruiter etc… he lets me know they have resourcer vacancies – ah yes I should have known I would have to start at the bottom but it would be my break into the career I want plus more money and better hours even though I hate early mornings I can just have 2 coffees!

 He asks when I would be available to interview on a panel of directors, I let him know my nest day off which is Thursday and he books me in for 1pm!

 My heart is racing at the idea of getting this job! I am so excited I want to tell someone, everyone but I need to remember I am still at work and don’t actually have a new job yet!

 I have the biggest smile on my face which I sense Gareth wants to wipe off, something about happy workers bosses just don’t like at all! I think he’d rather us all miserable not having a laugh at work at all.

 He calls me over, gosh this is the moment I have been dreading – I goes on to show me the rota has changed… (yet again) but this time it’s changed where I hardly have any hours!

I ask “well – where are all my hours and shifts Gareth, where have they gone” he smirks “this is what happens when you behave in a conduct unbecoming in the work place”

 I try and explain the guy in the red top was totally out of order actually etc… he won’t listen and then crosses off a shift altogether “carry on and I will keep crossing your shifts off” I am fuming at this, he thinks he owns me and has my life in his hands this really doesn’t sit well with me I carry on and he carries on crossing off my upcoming shifts that were already shortened – as he goes to cross the next shift off I grab the piece of paper and tear it out of his hands tearing it all up altogether, he is stunned and can’t believe his eyes – I have an audience with some of the other staff members now pretending to look busy at work clearly eavesdropping at this display of events drama that is taking place between me and Gareth, I shout and I couldn’t stop myself “I tell you what! if you’re going to take my shifts away you can stick ALL your shifts up your fucking arse you pretentious prick!”

 I can’t believe I’ve said this it was as if I had come out of my body and was looking on at a crazy person who looked like me screaming at her boss, I think having the recruitment phone call went to my head, but I haven’t even got another job to go to it was only a phone call!! Oh no I suddenly regret what I have done but would never go back I owned it and looked him straight in the eye as I throw the torn-up bits of rota paper in his face I shouted “goodbye then” I felt absolutely liberated and so good at finally standing up for myself and giggling to myself that I called him a pretentious prick! He said nothing in response and probably regrated pushing me to that as we are always short-staffed what an idiot, he will no doubt come up with some elaborate story to Eileen I think all these things as I walk quickly out of there.

 “Jess, Jess hang on wait, come back quickly” I hear oh it’s Kat who I love, “Gosh sorry Kat I just couldn’t stand him being such a cunt to me” I explain, she answered “oh babes don’t worry at all I feel your pain I was coming after you to give you your bag and to tell you to keep in touch with me I love you girl” she gives me a big hug and tells me to give her email address as a reference if I need one which, shit I hadn’t thought if this but so thankful she has offered what a truly nice lady Kat is I love her to bits! 

 I decide to sit away from the pub and have a fag on the wall next door as I smoke and try and calm my nerves as I feel the adrenaline coursing through me rapidly making me breathless and shaky it felt good but also scary as now I don’t have a bloody job, I have the rent sorted but the bills have taken a back seat for months! Just as a go to take another lovely long satisfying toke from my cigarette I hear “excuse me can you get off my wall please!” in a harsh shouting gruff tone, so much so it makes me jump dropping my cigarette on the ground I turn around and to my surprise its Kevin! Oh my god its Kevin what the hell I think… “gosh Kevin oh my gosh hello!” he immediately laughs coming over towards me with his arms out trying to hug me. “What the hell are you doing here I thought you were bared?” I say excitedly “I am yes – you’re welcome” he says in a sarcastic sort of tone which makes us both giggle “I live here silly” he explains “what you live here? Right next door to the pub?” I ask wow I never knew must be why he was always in here I suppose it really is his LOCAL!

 I am so so beyond happy to see him, I can’t stop grinning and neither can he! Which pleases me I think he feels the same about me.

 He is such a bloke’s bloke a real man’s man not like pretentious Gareth he must have a good job living here and flash car he pulled up in… wow 

 he goes on to make small talk as the giggling subsides someone needs to say something “so… just starting work?” he asks “oh gosh, ah work – don’t ask!!” I reply he laughs and says fancy coming in and telling me all about it??

 Yes please I couldn’t think of anything better but don’t want to seem to forward so I casually look at the time and reply “erm yes ok I don’t see why not it’s not like I have anywhere to be now anyway” as I enter I notice how big his house is and well decorated but not the colours I would choose – look at me deciding what I’d decorate his/our house like haha silly me I giggle to myself walking through to his kitchen he offers me a cup of coffee “I have just told Gareth to stick his job up his arse Kev” I say as I make an awkward face “ah! Vodka it is then” he replies! We both laugh and yes I can do with something a little stronger than coffee I say,

 I tell him all about it and he is completely in my corner which I love! As I can tell he is not bias he speaks the truth and said he would have done the same – which I secretly really admire! 

 Wow we are getting on so well “You can be my bar maid now instead I need a top up” he says in an arrogant jokey kind of way “weee! You need something I’ll tell you that for a fact” I sweepingly reply.

 He leans in for the bottle of drink to pour thinking he is about to kiss me I take a deep breath as I feel so nervous around him, “I’m home” we both hear a mans voice and pull back suddenly, who the hell is that oh for fuck sake it’s a mans voice I bet he is bloody gay! Well he should wear a warning if he is because he doesn’t look gay I’m thinking…

 Kev calls through “hiya mate, in the kitchen” oh it’s his friend… phew! Good! Not gay!! “Adam is my lodger Jess he needed a place to stay – I will tell you later – long story” he says with a worried concerned look on his face as if to say he might be trouble in a way.

 As Adam walks in I can tell he is a proper lad by the way he speaks and probably a bit of a bad boy… hmm “this is my friend from the Coach Pub - Jess” Kev introduces me, Adam replies “yeah yeah lovely to meet you and all that but mate I have a taxi waiting and my card isan’t working can you pay the fare please” typical I thought, just as I suspect a free loader on my Kevin’s good nature well if I am to move in here in this lovely big house he can be the first thing to go, that and his sofas I hate the colour brown haha – gosh in am awful and well aware I am going straight to hell I think to myself.

 Kev rolls his eyes and laughs “what are you like mate – adding this to your never ending bill” Kev pays the cab fare leaving me and Adam alone in the kitchen for a while, “so you’re Jess the one who kisses men and gets Kev into fights aye?” oh my god he has spoken about me… I feel so taken a back by hearing this I stutter “urm, urm it wasn’t like that I can assure you” I exclaim “calm down calm down I am only messing” he giggles as Kevin walks backs into the kitchen bar area I sit on one of the bar stools and say “ah so Kevin you have been talking about me I hear” Kev immediately looks at Adam and smiles “Adam I have no knowledge of who this young girl Is I came home to find her sitting on my wall smoking like a chimney and scaring the neighbours away” we all laugh loudly and continue chatting and giggling over what I’d just done at work.

 Its getting dark now and I am feeling pretty tipsy its such a nice feeling I hope he doesn’t want me to go yet, I am hungry though… I notice Adam has put a pizza in the oven oh goody I hope he will share, “good idea mate, you hungry Jess? do you like Pizza?” who doesn’t like pizza I think but also want to come across like I am a healthy person so I reply “erm yes I do occasionally thanks” Adam winks in strange way to Kev and says “oh you will like this pizza – home-made is always better” which I agree is true although I am not much of a cook myself I love eating but not so much cooking…

 Oh gosh it smells divine I must remember to eat like a lady in front of Kev even though I am plastered and just want to gobble it all up as quickly as I can, luckily, it’s a large pizza so we can all share! I am more of a ‘little and often’ eater anyhow I can never eat large portions in one sitting.

 Oh goody it’s mushroom and peperoni pizza I am eyeing it up impatiently as Adam is slicing into sections time seems so slow watching and waiting, Kev lays out 3 slide plates along the breakfast bar in the kitchen that we are all sat around and we all dig in! fuck I needed that! Wow that was yummy I feel like I am a happy drunk again now yippee.

 “Cheers for that mate it was lovely well done you’re a good cook” Kev told Adam which was true he really was a good cook I’ve never tasted anything like it although the mushrooms tasted strange!

 Adam replied, “not lovely - MAGIC” and sniggers to himself, I look at him confused – must be an inside friend joke I have no desire to know, Kev frowns “mate are you fucking taking the piss or what?” I am so confused what is he angry about, “calm down mate these were top dollar and hard to come by you should be thanking me” oh noo it dawned on me we have just all eaten magic mushrooms I think, I have never done this before what If I die I think to myself… oh no!

 Kev is shouting in Adams face now angry that he has done this and apologising to me whilst I am frantically googling effects of shrooms!

 Kev grabs Adams shirt by the scuff of his neck and has him against the wall, just as I leap up to get in the middle of what I predict could be another fight! I have to stop as the shrooms I feel are taking a powerful effect on me and my mind, wow! and all of us close our eyes and stop and just take in what we are now feeling which is - heavenly blissful waves rushing over us all, we each look at each other and we are ALL in uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter now - wow I never knew feeling this good was a feeling this is sensational I think to myself, it’s absolutely euphoric and so happy and light, Adam talks us through the fact that “there are no bad effects from the psilocybin that are contained in magic mushrooms, the bad trips you are thinking of comes from shit like acid etc…” I am getting the feeling he knows his drugs!! But to be fair seems knowledgeable on shrooms and the science behind it.

 “You only have to you-tube them guys they are trialling them on cancer patients and they are a natural healing wonder from mother earth, scientifically proven to cleanse your mind of anxiety or depression for up to 9 months after just one dose! And have even been proven to cure cancer” wow I am impressed! We all go onto to start laughing about how the pharmaceutical companies prefer to keep them illegal then to keep people from actually healing ourselves with be bad for their business, he goes onto say almost the same about cannabis which I have tried in my days but never really took to it to be honest but understand why people do smoke it and to be honest I think anything done to the excess can have bad repercussions even like too much chocolate or alcohol – “everything in moderation” I blurt out still in fits of giggles I have no idea why that’s funny but we are all in such a giggly mood with the shrooms! I then say like a total hippy “yeah!! cause we are all just on a journey man” and we all burst out in laughter again at my ridiculous comment but I mean it in a way we all are on a journey! It feels so fun I have never in my life ever felt this happy and full of life and fun! Wow I think everyone in the world should try this at least once, yes bloody everyone yey! Not Hitler though! he doesn’t deserve it I think to myself and remind myself that he is dead anyway!

 I am so in awe of how I am feeling and totally lost my senses I suggest posting a status on facebook stating “magic mushrooms rock! Yippee” Kev immediately grabs my phone and talks me out of it! And quite rightly so what an idiot I would have felt the next morning!! And imagine if my mum had of seen it! Let alone future potential managers that cyber stalk when I’ve applied for jobs “I hate social media” Kev says bluntly “oh is that why you aren’t listed on there?” ah! As soon as I said it I knew he would think what a stalker I was trying to look and search for him!

 “Ah been stalking me eh?” he smirks “hmmm you got me! yes I might have looked and to my disappointment I couldn’t find you!” I reply, Adam pipes up “told you! Knew you should have grown a pair and asked for her number mate!” we all laugh AGAIN “well was this before of after punching that guy I presume?” ok ok I forgive him it wasn’t the right time but so glad he has clearly spoken about me and that night we kissed – ah! That kiss under the full moon!! That amazing kiss! I look at Kev and hold his gaze intensely, I can tell he is also thinking about that kiss, luckily Adam fucks off for a few minutes to the loo so Kev takes his opportunity confidently walking over towards me with a slight smirk on his face and turns my spinning bar chair around so I am now sitting and facing towards him, he grabs me by the neck and pulls me towards him passionately kissing my lips and my neck, I am now breathing so hard I feel breathless and so turned on… I naughtily start wrapping my right leg around his legs stroking him with my legs feels so good and sexy! He is holding the back of my head hard pushing my lips into his as he kisses me fiercely with such fiery passion, I can tell he really wants me! this feels good “you are so unbelievably sexy Jess” he whispers intently into my ear whilst kissing me and carries on “I want you Jess! I fucking want you now”

 We hear Adam coming back downstairs… I go to pull away but he pulls me back ruhing me for three more quick cheeky last kisses! I am all flustered when Adam re-enters the room to which he is totally oblivious and unaware to the events that had just unfolded and taken place! I am still feeling so euphoric with these shrooms it’s almost like I have never been in the human body before – we all decide its more cosy to sit in the living room and chill comfortably so we dance our way on into the larger open plan living and dining room - wow love his house! I would defiantly get rid of this brown sofas though as I love my pearl colour diamante crushed velvet cover sofa.. hmm stop it Jess I say to myself as I imagine myself living here haha! It feels mad just moving about on these shrooms we all start wiggling our arms around in the air like mental people and laughing! I say is this normal and Adam says “completely normal – there are actually secret mushroom retreats people go on and all sit in a log cabin type place with candles off their face on shrooms for spiritual healing and personal development” it’s true they actually are very spiritual I feel like I know more wisdom to things that troubled me previously like I have been given the answers of how to proceed in my life’s events moving forward wow this is great!!

Whilst Kev and Adam sit and begin their bromance love bubble which I think is so cute I hear them throwing compliments back and forth “thanks so much for helping me out mate I have no family to depend on, you’re like a brother to me mate” Adam is thanking Kev bless him Kev is now hugging Adam shouting “you’re my mate, I will always help” this is so funny and we are all feeling so full and bursting with love and happiness I want to saviour these feelings and document it somehow… its epic the way I am feeling right now. Hmm I know I will write about it – a poem maybe! Yes!! As because I was fearful of losing control and seeing things like hallucinations its not as bad as I feared! you are in such a happy state of mind and the things I am seeing are absolutely beautiful swirling colourful bright patterns all dancing in front of me its sublime

 Kev slides on over to me as I am laying on the floor scribbling and drafting out my poem like a bizarre nutter, “you are a lefty?” he asks, I am actually ambidextrous but yes predominantly a lefty I reply “yes why?” he holds my hand and says “all the best people are” wow he is a lefty too like me this is perfect we are meant to be, I am thinking letting my wild imagination run away with me…

 I love the way he touches me and is playful with me, its so fun! he snatches my note pad which I always have on me in case I need to jot things down for ideas to write with! “nooo it’s not finished yet I haven’t even read it back!” I yell to him but he proceeds to read and I start blushing “no please don’t” I plead “no chance I am reading it right now! Haha and you can’t stop me” he says in a seductive manner.

 I smile and roll my eyes at him

 Kev begins reading… and while he reads my poem out loud I notice we are all now in absolute silence now as he paused the music, even Adam has even stopped smoking and is paying attention!

 “Mind’s Eye

  

 It took a little while, and then some time

 Up up and away I float, now on cloud 9

 Such a euphoric feeling as my mind’s eye awakens

 This flight that is approaching, is mine for the taking

 My conscience mind is on another plane

 My brain feels cleansed and totally sane

 What breath takingly beautiful sites I see

 I am at one with the universe, so let it be

 Such a broad outlook I now see beyond all reasoning

 I've entered a parallel realm as my minds deepening

 The exquisite colours and shapes I am seeing

 Beyond paradise I feel my hearts reeling

 The clearer understanding of them and those

 What a natural wonder without any lows

 To unlock parts of the brain we don’t usually get to use

 I feel blessed and abundant, in my minds muse”

 There is a long pause after Kev finishes reading the poem out loud, he nods slowly still looking down at my pad of paper he is holding. “You wrote this? Just then? You wrote this Jess?? Kev asks in disbelief I laugh “yep indeed I did its only my rough first draft though Kev!” “wow! That was fucking ace!” they both start clapping like a pair of enthusiastic seals and we all laugh again “you didn’t google it Jess? you actually wrote this?” Adam remarks – “No! I am a poet – writing is a hobby of mine actually” “wow! You should pursue this it’s amazing”

 Kev is flicking through and reading more poems for fuck sake I think! No! I don’t want him thinking I am a bore and I especially don’t want him reading the lovey dovey ones he will think I am some bunny boiler so I snatch it back and say “that’s enough of that!!” 

 “You should publish your poems Jess seriously” well I have tried but I didn’t want to admit that I just got rejected by loads of publishes in the past! “hmm I might one day it’s tricky you know but I have won lots of cash prize competitions” I add! Thought I’d slip that one in there as its true!! About £2,000 altogether If I added all my wins up

 “No I am serious you can self-publish on Amazon” he tells me “oh – really?? Are you for real” I never knew this “yes and they pay you a % of royalties for each book sold… a friend of mine has done this” wow I am definitely going to consider this once I am in more of a fit state to look at my screen properly without it wiggling about and moving!! 

 “Go on then I’ve shared my talent… you two must have a talent” I say as I notice the guitar in the corner picking it up offering it to them…

 Kev laughs – “that’s mine! I used to be in a band” oh wow he just gets better and better what was your band name? “The Highs” love that name - what a cool name I ask him to play me a song

  To my surprise he starts playing stumming a beautiful tune whilst a roll up hangs out of his mouth whilst he smokes at the same time - he looks so sexy like this… hmmm I want him too! Ithink to myself as I gaze upon him biting my lip in admiration of his performing talents. Oh wow he starts singing, this sounds great! I am so impressed with him! Me and Adam both clap and applaud his performance he looked so at ease and confident performing to us he is a natural… “Go on then Adam your turn, what’s your talent or skill?” I ask encouragingly “I would have to show you in the bedroom for that to work and I am pretty sure Kev will get jealous if I do” we all laugh out loud! Kev says “nah mate seriously show her your gifts!” Adam starts rapping about life and the government – fuck I hate rap, but he is actually surprisingly good to be honest this is growing on me! he could be the next dappy or something I feel.

 I notice I have 7 missed calls! Oh no I must have put it on silent for work and not realised the time! Christ time has flown by I came here at gone 3pm it is now like 1am! Why is my mum and sister Hayley calling me at this time of night? And what!? My dad what the fuck does he want I wonder another lecture I presume!

 Good job I am feeling more normal now I pop to the kitchen to call mum back “hiya mummy is everything ok?” she is sobbing and breathless “Jess! Jess! Where the hell are you where have you been I called you work and…” oh I see she is worried I have gone awal from work “oh look mum you don’t understand it’s not my fault about work” I explain “no Jess – I don’t care about your work its your sister! Charlotte! She has been in an accident!!” my heart sinks what the hell “is she ok I ask?” “no, she is in hospital with 2 broken legs Jess can you come to the QA hospital now please she came off her mope-ed” “oh my god I am so sorry mum I had no idea ok I am on my way!!”

 My poor little sister Lotty I feel awful having all this fun while she has had a near death experience! I rush back into the lounge to tell the guy’s Kev looks so concerned for me I try and call a taxi but I am still in shock and shaken up and the news I can barely hold my phone I drop it on the floor and try and call a taxi, but Kev says “no need! I will drive us it will be quicker” but aren’t you still high as a kite? “Nah I’ve only had 2 beers and the shrooms have pretty much worn off now!”

 “Wow ok thanks so much” I say with a sigh of relief and head to his fancy sports car which I love he is a bit of a speeder, but I like that I can’t stand when you are in a car and people drive a ta snails’ pace! 

 It’s a sobering thought to have nearly lost my sister but at the same time will have to try and sober up in front of all my family! It’s a school night after all!!

 Kev parks in the disabled bay at the entrance I thank him for the lift, but he is getting out of the car… oh he is coming in with me…? wow this is unexpected I really didn’t prepare on him meeting my family like this!! Gosh ok one crisis at a time plus he might actually know where the north bay broken legs department is in this maze of a hospital to be honest, I need his help finding her and there is no signal of course to ring mum she is probably back inside by now! We walk for what seems like miles asking busy staff for directions along the way – I think there should be attendants to escort you but that’s my wishful thinking or at least those walking escalator things you get in the airports to speed things up I am so unfit this feels like a proper work out of power walking, ah! At least I am sheading some pounds doing this I think to myself whilst I try to distract my mind full of worry for my sister.

 Oh my God there she is, my mum stood in the hallway greeting us she hugs us both (not knowing Kev at all) but so much in despair I think she just needs a hug even if it’s from a total stranger like poor Kev! 

 I quickly introduce Kev as my friend and pull the curtain back to see my sister laying there with both legs in a cast! And Lotty’s face so dulled and exhausted looking and I can tell she has been in recent floods of tears; I immediately hug her stroking her little pretty face and crying on her in disbelief that this has happened! 

 My other sister Hayley – her twin is at the other side of the bed holding her hand! Us girls all hold each other and reassure Lotty that everything will be ok – Lotty’s devoted fiancé Dom is standing near by with a worried look in his eye of having nearly gone through the worry of heart break if he’d had lost her as she apparently was unconscious for a short yet never ending spell of time!

 Kev comes back through winning me over yet again with a lovely costa coffee and tea for himself he had just bought, “latte right?” how the hell does he know this? Oh he must of actually listened when I’d been wobbling on about myself in the pub! “wow oh yes thanks I need this” I take a sip and remind myself how well they make a cuppa coffee! They might be expensive and cost a sodding fortune but fuck do they know how to make a coffee!! 

 The twins both look up smiling curiously at Kev I feel no one is even thinking about Lotty’s legs any longer it’s a happy distraction for all of us having Kev here, mum quicky adds “twins this is KEVIN” she says whilst winking “its Jess’s new friend!” god how embarrassing “thanks mum!” I reply

 While the twins start talking to Kevin I wonder out of the curtained section we are all in to find a tissue as I slurped my coffee all over me, oh no my dad is here, we awkwardly hug and instead of just being here for Lotty he starts preaching to me about how he phoned my work to be told how I “behaved” and how irresponsible this is and what a silly girl I have been making yet another mistake in life, and even went on to say how I should have listened to Gareth and learnt from my mistake with him!! I was infuriated by this and took a deep breath because I wanted to scream at him but even I can show some decorum especially under the circumstances “actually dad I really don’t want to talk about and to be honest you have no idea what you’re talking about either!” I explain back to him with a frown and shaking my head.

 I really don’t know where he gets off preaching to me about how to live my life he was an abusive drunk growing up, fair enough he did play out doors games with us as girls but it doesn’t excuse the absence father and bellowing aggression we were all subjected to as children let alone all the years of trying to get out of paying CSA money for us girls growing up to our mum who bent over backwards working 2/3 jobs at a time at one point doing her best to raise us alone and keep a roof over our heads as teenagers.

 So no! I don’t think I will be listening to dad thanks very much but no thanks bye!!

 I really don’t want him to meet Kevin and by this point its about 2am so we say our goodbyes and arrange the next visit of course and head on home, on the walk back through towards the car Kev takes my hand and holds it as we walk, I never thought I was the hand holding type but this feels lovely – I hope I am not reading too much into it but I think he really likes me yippee!

 Kev drives me home and I keep thinking of a way I can secure a next date! He hasn’t bloody asked me for my number and he has made it clear he is not on facebook! Maybe its different for his generation (he is ten years older than me) which I love the thought of having an older man I don’t know why but it turns me on no end!

 God I’m hoping we actually get stuck in all the red traffic lights at this rate as I just was to soak up and saviour as much time as I can with him! I am not asking for his number I will not seem desperate I vowel to myself, at least he isn’t precious about smoking in his car haha I know its filth but there is nothing better than just cruising along with your hand out the window smoking listening to good music, aw there is a really cute song that’s now playing which I love! Surprisingly he does too as he turns it up its ‘you and me song’ by the Wannadies! “great song” I say “I know what a tune” he replies

 I go onto mention I have an upcoming interview and that I’m hopeful of a new job and he is excited for me… no mention of a date of second meeting god I hate this newly single life do you have spell everything out I am not the cool and casual type I am an all or nothing kinda gal!! haha! “god I have work and have to be up at 6am!” he says the mood changes into a sobering thought of a hard day ahead, as he pulls up to my flat I grab my bag and gather my things wondering if I should kiss him goodbye but the moods changed, I smile saying “well goodbye then, thanks for a great eventful night and sorry about the drama etc..” “no worries darling!” Kev replies in his cheeky chappy way and I walk to my front door, I turn to see if he is watching and… he is, waiting for me to get in safe before he drives off, what a gent with old fashioned values yey.

 I can’t help but have a sinking feeling in the pit of my tummy of how he didn’t ask for my number but hey ho it was a fun night but I would love to see him again!

 I ring Amy as I want to tell her all about the events of last night but I can’t seem to get hold her lately – I hope shes ok? I need a fag but can’t find my lighter for fuck sake I think to myself I ‘ll have to use the cooker until I can be bothered to pop to the shop!

 I feel exhausted, early hours of the morning now so BATH then bed for me!!

 As I lay in the bubbles I decide to keep this months rent back to myself if I haven’t got a job now as I have maxed out 3 credit cards already and will need money for things like food to stay alive I think to myself! 

 Christ Yen is going to be on my back now though as I was already on my last chance! Shit I hope she will be ok – maybe I will get this job quickly and be on so much money everything will be ok?? I secretly hope to myself I say a little prayer to God wishing this into the universe for it to materialise for me…

 It’s the morning of my interview yippee with Recruitment Associates! and I have plenty of time seeing as its not until 1pm! I am so excited and full of hope I am frantically going through my wardrobes for the best interview outfit of all time to wear, ah yes! It’s a sexy little black work dress I can wear with black tights yippee its not too sexy like a night out black dress it’s defiantly work career girl friendly!

 I can’t help but stop an notice myself in the mirror at how well I’ve turned out looking in this outfit today, wow my long blonde shiny curls with my bright blue eyes my make up is on point and there are so many laminating highlighter skin things now to make your cheekbones really stand out and skin glow like crazy its epic! I have piercing blue eyes I have always always been complemented for my “striking bright blue eyes” and nice skin, I have normal average looking lips I have never felt the need to get them done I have literally no pain thresh hold! So no tattoos either!!

 I go right in at the waist and wear a D cup bra I suppose most of my fat is in my boobs hehe! Its my tummy that pokes out slightly so I breath in a lot especially for photos!!

 Right, I am ready! Looking smart I decide against heels as knowing me I will only topple over or trip I can walk well in heels to be fair I am not one of those tragic women you see our clubbing who can barely stand up I have been walking in heels since I was a tot borrowing my mums shoes for dress-up fun but I just feel like if any of the men are short it then becomes awkward if I am taller than them in my heels! Ah maybe a small heel then instead – “sensible shoes” I hear my mums voice in my head! And immediately decide against the shoes my mum would approve of being rebellious Hmm no maybe a little higher – ah yes these shoes are perfect. I have a wide collection like all girls do of shoes but they have never been my vice! Mine is… BAGS I can’t get enough of having a nice handbag and for me, I feel like the bag you carry is a statement piece about each particular women and it can says a lot about them!

 As I look out my lounge window and people watch like I do from time to time at the passers-by, and pick out different women, her, see she has a massive brown bag because its more convenient for her being a mum pushing her pram and she thinks more about her kids welfare than having a flashier bag to carry around ahh nice lady I bet.

 As I move on to the next women, I notice she is a young attractive girl and holding a sparkly clutch bag along with a pair of high heels…. Ah! Party animal and on a school night! doing the walk of shame I bet! Respect to you go girl – “you go girl” I giggle to myself.

 Next women ah yes! the sporty slender type with a convenient plane cross body bag over her solder as she jogs on by even just watching her makes me breathless, I am so unfit eeks

 Then you have the high-powered career no-time women type over there coming out the salon next door looking immaculate with a designer bag through her arm thrown over her shoulder, medium sized probably could fit a lap top if needed in it but with a nice shiny patent black finish – stylish lady!

Ah! Then you have the ‘I’m too smart to care about my appearance’ type of girl marching on by with her dirty rucksack probably late for her Uni degree lessons.

 Then you see the school-girls with their high street fashion hand bags carried on the crease of their arms with bright different fun young vibrant colours. Must be the little popular group.

 And then you have girls with no bags at all! They must squeeze everything into their pockets and live quite a minimalistic lifestyle! 

 As for me I have am currently wearing a beautiful dusky mauve plastic small ted baker handbag, it’s not an overly expensive brand but this particular bag was actually as it was a limited addition which I love! as the bow has subtle glitter sparkles. I am basically a real-life barbie doll yey

 See you can tell a hell of a lot all from the type of bag a women decides to wear I think and I use soak up with knowledge as my super power!!

  

  

 Right time to go I feel its best to get a taxi today and I have pre ordered as I am so organised I didn’t want any worries about finding the place as its slightly further away than the Coach pub job – in the taxi and on my way with nerves thinking about what I should say about leaving my last role should be… hmmm I could say I have left already because I want this job and I am free to start ASAP! Erm… NO! do not say this Jess I think to myself – ok I could say the manager was a bellend… Nope please don’t say this either Jess! Ok… I know I will say I only have a weeks notice to give and here is Kat as a reference… yes ok don’t mention Gareth at all!! Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!

 12:45 and I feel its only fitting to have a quick smoke discreetly before my interview as I don’t want to be too early as I know how it annoys managers with their strict timings throughout the working deadline day.

 Plus, I always carry my perfume on hand – Dior Hypnotic, it’s so expensive but I bloody love it, it has vanilla notes and such a sweet harmonious scent that lingers with me all throughout the day AND NIGHT!

  

 Gosh my heart has quickened now at the thought of going in I pop my nivia pearl shine lip balm on as its subtle but pinky pearly which I love and matches my long nails pearly metallic pink not too long a I love to write and type my poetry and can’t if they are too long.

 Ok I am walking in it’s a massive building in the high street must be fancy wish I did some more research now but I always like to wing it to be honest! I can talk the talk – hope I can walk the walk ‘fake it until you make it’ I love that saying!!

I see a pretty girl with long dark hair and stylish tattoos on reception who is clearly pregnant and due pretty soon by the looks of it as she gets up offering to make me a coffee, I hope she makes it right I am thinking as I like it milky with one sugar but no one ever seems to make it milky enough! I basically like a latte! All the time haha

 She is friendly and chatting to me about the weather and what nice bright days we have been having, I agree smiling and nodding along I ask her when she started here, and she lets me know she has been here for years as she is the daughter of one of the owners. Ah I am thinking as family run business that might be nice…?

 She asks me to take a seat in the reception area near her and lets me know “it’s a panel of 3 directors interviewing you today -Jess, Joe Morane (my dad), James Cantaferry and Shima Praise”

 “Oh ok I thought it was a man called Dave who I spoke to over the phone interviewing me?” I reply “oh, no, Dave is just does the head hunting here” Paige explains.

  I sit quietly as they are late seeing me… glad I was early though would hate for it to be the other way around! Especially in recruitment as I bet they have people let them down for interviews all the time with work so can imagine it is a pet hate!

 I am getting lots of texts now - they read…

 Mum “good luck today my darling Jessykins and don’t swear and remember sit up straight for god sake please!” ok mum I am not 10 years old I know how to sit down nicely! Haha

 Lotty “Good luck sissy love you so much I have my wheelchair now so can come home soon yey!” 

 Hayley “Good luck sis – I am flying to Oz so make sure you meet us for the leaving doo I am having tomorrow! Friyey please!! The liquorish pub on the stip” 

 Hollie “Good luck my darling me, Kat and Jaz are thinking of you, Kat said to give you her email as a reference hunibun! [e-mail] P.s get me a job there too lol! I am hating the pub!!” 

 Nothing still from Amy I wonder what’s going on with her lately!! I go to text Amy but I am being called in by Paige, she walks me upstairs to the board room which is nice of her to do so I think.

 James eagerly greets me shaking my hand I am a lefty but can still hold a firm strong handshake in my right! I can’t help but feel he probably fancies me with his enthusiastic approach wide eyes and beaming grinning smile – hmm maybe he is the office sex pest who knows I giggle to myself.

 “Hello! I’m James! Nice to meet you – do you prefer Jess or Jessica” he loudly introduces “Hello James lovely to meet you and it’s only Jessica If I am naughty – Jess is fine” thank god they laugh at my crap joke but it’s true I feel people only call me Jessica if I am in a naughty mischievous mood! Next Shima approaches me with a rally genuinely nice friendly smile and warm hand shake and squinting of her eyes which look so kind and sincere I like her a lot already and I hardly know her “Hello Jess it’s truly to meet you after hearing about you from our Dave” wow what the hell has Dave said about me this is going great and its only just started yey! “Hi Shima so lovely to meet you to thank you!” 

 And last but not least Joe doesn’t get up to shake my hand he barely looks at me an gestures his hand to my seat offering me to sit down which we all do.

 They are all 3 opposite me wow this is intense ok breath Jess and don’t fuck this up I say to myself!!

 Joe starts by saying “I’m Joe, I am the director here and Dave has let us know you’re looking to get into recruitment,” just I go to speak he carries on with “if you have your presentation ready I will link it up to the big screen, how are we doing this today email or memory stick Jess?”

 What the fucking fuck is he talking about… presentation… I had no idea there was a presentation! Oh my christ he wants me to email over a PowerPoint presentation of course I knew this would be a fancy interview but what then hell! What shall I say I panic

 “Oh… sorry? Presentation? Sorry what do you mean” I say hesitantly they each start looking at each other disappointedly and confused. Joe abruptly blurts out “Dave emailed you the interview process with instructions - didn’t he? Well! he bloody well should have done!” 

 “Sorry no one has mentioned anything about a presentation to me at all…” I explain apologising profusely and smiling to try and save face here but no is smiling with me apart from Shima who suggests “it may have gone through to your junk folder Jess but Dave should really have gone through the process with Jess over the phone” she states looking over at James and Joe who are both nodding in agreement “hmmm I think what’s best to do here is set up another date a week from now to give Jess time to create the power point presentation for us eh?” Shima suggests.

 Joe “Good idea Shima yes let’s get that booked in just send me a diary invite” he says rushing out the room – how rude I literally don’t like him already with his gruff abrupt voice and demeanour, James takes a phone call “sorry just going to grab this” he says as he walks outside “Hello James speaking” and Shima explains “there will be questions on the email you will have to try and answer regarding recruitment and the role and feel free to add pictures etc… to you power point presentation have some fun with it – go crazy” she laughs “also just email it back to me prior to your interview so we are all set ready to go next time Joe hates time being wasted”

 “Ok Shima thanks so much and so sorry I have just seen this email in my junk you were right!” I see this as I scroll through my phones emails - we both laugh and agree next week I will be booked in and a new email with times and dates will be sent over! 

 Well its 13:20 now as I walk out of there I realise that was the quickest interview and what a waste of time that all was mentally preparing and the getting ready I am annoyed that I will have to pick another sodding outfit for this now! As I can’t show up again wearing the same killer outfit!

 Hmmm and I haven’t heard anything from Kev not that I will as we didn’t exchange numbers! I should get the bus back really I am jobless and can’t afford anything else really God! 

 As I approach the bus stop I notice my bus the number 21 is already there and the driver can see me running but of course drives off as I approach the front door of the bus… fucking great “fucking thanks then” I yell and then gather myself realising I am in public but at the same time not really caring as I can’t help but cry now, feeling so deflated and utterly disappointed and knowing I have to create a whole sodding presentation…. Ugh! Life is hard I say to myself! I sit on the bus bench depressed and swaying my legs back and forth deciding to roll a fag now, yes roll a fag as I have had to move onto roll ups cigarettes were going to make me bankrupt, I much prefer rollups and I feel they might be slightly healthier for me! yey only slightly!!! I’m not a fool hehe

 Oh for fuck sake “what now” I scream! “Really?” it’s decided to piss it down with rain and it’s so windy so my roll up is now practically impossible to roll! URGH!!!

 A nice looking girl now stood near to me, blonde wavey hair stick thin also waiting for a bus laughs and offers me a fag! I accept and offer her some money I don’t want to seem like a complete disaster “no, no it’s fine” she says – “as long as you have a lighter actually as I don’t” I pass her my new lighter as let her know she can keep it for offering me this fag I desperately needed. “oh wow nice one thanks – I am Tash by the way” “nice to meet you hun I’m Jess” we smoke and sit together huddling in the sheltered bus stop out of the rain we are both here so long we just start chatting about most things and get on quite well “I am on a half day from work – my dog needs to go to the vets” she explains “oh babes poor thing – where is it you work?” I ask, “Recruitment Associates hun just up the road there on the high street” no way she works where I just interviewed how mad! “you’re kidding I just came from an interview there! Well a meeting more like… the emailing instructing me to create a presentation went to my junk so I had nothing to present I had no idea about it so the whole interview was postponed!!” I tell Tash “no way! From Dave was it? He really should be saying this info over the phone also!” she replies “oh my god yes I know right!” we both laugh in agreement and she tells me a fair bit about the company, the doos and don’ts to help me… she is so nice it must be fait me meeting her I feel.

 Our bus approaches and stops I am first in the que but the driver shouts “I can only take one more person” I really just want to get home and dry but know Tash has a vet appointment as I stand on the bus at the front ready to pay I turn back to Tash and look at the her disappointed face I say “Tash you get on instead you have your dog to think about” “Oh really? Thanks so much Jess that’s so kind of you you’re a life saver!” I get off the bus letting Tash take my place instead of me and wave her goodbye smiling and shaking my head at the annoyance of busses! At least I can finish my fag now its typical as soon as you spark up a fag the bus approaches it happens all the time to me!

 I finally get on the next bus and feeling slightly better but still rather low I am passing Amy’s house on the way home I decide to pop over to hers to cheer me up a bit and also see how she is as not heard from her and it’s not like her to be so quiet to be honest I am worried and haven’t even told her about Lotty and her poor legs yet – we all grew up in the same street so the twins are like her distant friends too!

 I get off the bus early for Amy’s house, oh goody her car is there she must be in, I knock her door and there is no answer, I knock again and again and finally the door opens “surprise its me huni!” I yell but as the door opens I notice it’s a man stood there and not Amy… oh my God its Gary my ex boyfriend! And half dressed! What the hell my heart sinks into the pit of my tummy and I feel sick and breathless leaning over in disbelief. 

 “What… what the hell? What are you doing here Gary” I mutter confused and dazed I can’t quite believe my eyes…? “I am staying here now Jess; Amy has done me a favour putting me up while I find my feet – what are you doing here?” he asks what I am doing here what the fuck?? she is my life long best friend you dick head – is what I wanted to say but can’t quite find the words - what utter betrayal she has shown me…. I shake my head still in disbelief as I walk hastily away crying hard now and whimpering.

 She couldn’t even come to the door to show her face the coward I thought! I walk home in the rain that’s easing off but still wet and windy horrid weather to conveniently match my current mood a grey day indeed!

 This explains why she hasn’t been answering the phone to me now, it all makes sense, are they an item? have they slept together…? Probably I thought, well I hope he gives her chlamydia! I catch myself being nasty as this isn’t me typically and stop myself from thinking these thoughts as soon as I am home, I have a letter from Yen! Hand delivered shit! She must have been here for her rent!! God I don’t see why she can’t wait a month or 2 at this rate with the long winded interview process.

 I open the letter ah great it’s an eviction notice! 

 “Dear Jessica, we regret to inform you that due to your rent payments not being made eviction proceedings are being made against you…” and it goes on and all in bloody red writing which I hate! but I can’t bare to read any more! I throw the letter on the floor and run up the stairs to the flat and cry into my pillow putting on my favourite sad song of all time ‘Billy Joel – Vienna’ I have always felt like this song was made specifically for me I listen to it on repeat whenever I am sad which is a lot of the time especially lately, I feel life is so hard. I sit and write a sad poem of my feelings about life with Bipolar once the tears have subsided, but I still feel numb! I pop to the shop and fetch a bottle of wine and lemonade and drink alone sobbing whilst I write…

  

  

 Bipolar

  

 To reach beyond all feelings

 To float and wander through sleepless nights concealing

 I scribble all day and read all night, as long as this disorder endures

 I can’t confide myself to society's routine, there are no cures

 Wandering through life adrift and dissimilar to others

 In a world of black and white, I am but multicolours

 I can relate to most and understand all

 With each feeling in mood, I try to stand tall

 The heavy spending like there’s no tomorrow

 The mounting debt and one for sorrow

 The excitable nature uplifts people’s days

 Alone again now, in my minds maze

 The burning passion my heart craves

 At my childhood hour, the latest bloom was the prettiest flower

 I have never been as others were

 Nor have I seen as others saw

 However, could I bring and say

 Such gifts - from just the common way?

  

 There! Another poem for my growing collection! 

 I fire up my laptop and decide to enter a few more poem competitions seeing as I still have some of my rent money left I may as well gamble on myself at this rate I think to myself as there are always entry fees for the top dollar prizes!

 Hayley is ringing me “Hi Jessybella how did your interview go? Are you still coming to the leaving do tomorrow” I really don’t want to get into the day I have had to be honest so I brush over it and say “all fine tell ya tomorrow” knowing I won’t have time to tell her tomorrow I hope as she will be swamped with her guests wishing her a bon-voyage!

 “Oh goody! It won’t be the same without you Jessy what ya wearing?” she asks

 “Erm… gosh no idea I’m not sure… actually I have a new sparkly silver dress I could wear! Yes I know yippee” my mood is slowly improving at the thought of wearing my new dress out yey “ok brilliant I am wearing a playsuit” of course she is because she can with her slim figure I could never bloody pull those playsuits off I just look like one bug camel toe which is no good for me! “Also Jess – bring Amy along if you want it will be good to see her!” 

 “No No, you’re ok Erm Amy is busy anyway tomorrow – she has work” I quickly make up that lie knowing it will be believed what with her being a stripper…

 “Ah gocha! No worries then Jessybella, see ya tomozzy looking fab or do you need a lift on route?!!”

 No I don’t ever want a lift as then I have to adhere to other peoples timings and what with me being bad at time keeping I would rather not have any stress or rushing or pressure of people ringing and texting me as I am getting ready so I always usually just meet people out there!

 “No, no I will meet you there don’t worry!” I say “ok it starts at 7pm so see ya then” yep I will be rocking up fashionably late of course as I like to pre drink A LOT before I pop off outy!

 Oh goody I cheer myself up by trying on my sparkly dress and walking about dancing into my mirror playing slightly more fun upbeat music now that I feel sexy dancing too ‘Rihanna and Calvin Harris – this is what you came for’ I feel rather superficial but at least it feels better than how I previously felt, ah! I love dancing I sing along “and everybody’s watching her but shes looking at you ooo oo oo oo oo you you you oo oo you oo oo” and I suddenly remember - Shoes! I need shoes and don’t have any to go with this dress! Urgh! I will have to pop to town before the shops shut!! Hmmm or should I save my money…. Nah you only live once, and I am not turning up looking shit! Oh actually I am still in time for next day delivery and not having a job to go to I can stay in for my packages yey! The café take them for me usually anyway they must think its Christmas everyday for me up here with the amount they sign for on my behalf!!

 Great I see some on sale that are perfect at10% off so I feel its meant to be of course and a ‘must buy right now immediately’ before anyone else does. Its such a rush online shopping before I know it I have also bought some other ‘must haves’ that I didn’t really need but sale was in my face and I felt like I would be missing out if I ignored it all… what an idiot Jess – stop spending money right now! I do this a lot to cheer myself up I go on spending frenzies, I have nearly maxed out 3 £3,000 credit card limits and I think I have a CCJ against my name now so really it would be hard now if I need to move house let alone get another credit card, at first they really entice you in and offer you all this free money fun tokens and then they start being mean and writing to me in red letters I hate them all now and the only reason I got credit cards in the first place was to improve my credit rating! Well what a joke that is with circa £10k’s worth of debt and a CCJ against my name bravo well done Jess I say to myself as I roll my eyes!

 I drink a little too much and end up falling asleep in the bath! I wake up freezing cold with chills and stand up to turn the hot shower on instead, ahhh this is better I feel so stiff now though what an idiot falling asleep in the bath I need to get my shit together.

 I sit at my beautiful dressing table which I love and dry my hair I then start thinking about my presentation when my phone bings, oh a Linked-in friend request – wow its that Tash girl form the bus stop, as soon as I accept, a message from her bings, “Hi Jess, lovely to meet you today and thanks again for letting me take your space on that bus! I really do appreciate it as the vet said if I’d have left it any longer it could have been fatal to my little Ronnie dog! So if you ever need a favour please do let me know!”

ah! How sweet of her I feel really good now actually knowing I did my good deed for the day “You’re most welcome Tash!” I reply.

 I open the emails from Dave and Shima and read the questions they want me to answer on the presentation but wait… what the hell are they talking about and what does that even mean – some of the phrases I don’t even understand Christ what should I do. Maybe I should just give it up as a bad job and just get another bar job somewhere, but I will never dig myself out of this hole on shit money… hmmm! I know – and it dawns upon me! Tash just said if there is ever anything she can do to help to let her know! So yes, maybe I will pick her brains and quiz her on what I should say in my presentation she might be able to explain the questions better in a way that I understand perhaps…?

 I type:

 “Actually Tash, without being cheeky there is something you could do to help me… I am struggling slightly on this presentation for work and wondered if you could help me a bit with my answers and what’s best to say etc… Kind Regards - Jess”

 Within seconds I get a reply “Of course I can!” she types I reply with my mobile number and I grab my note pad to start taking notes.

 She is ringing me, we go through the 5 major questions and she suggests making a slide for each question and adding pictures etc… she explains each question in depth and translates all the jargon and abbreviations I don’t quite understand… wow this is actually easier than I thought she then mentions “have you completed the psychometric test yet”

 What!? No? Christ how many hoops do you have to jump through to get this role I am thinking “Erm no they haven’t mentioned that…oh wait yes it’s on the bottom of my email I have just seen the link” oh great – more failure I hate tests “oh no is it hard” I ask “Erm hard well yes in a way you have to score at least 70% in order to pass hun” oh right no pressure then! “What is it all about?” I ask her, “it’s about you and your general approach to the certain job role you’re applying for, and how much of a good fit you will potentially be its rather in-depth and quite complex there are 100 questions altogether, but you must answer honestly for it to work properly” I make a coffee as I feel I am going to need a large strong coffee at this rate, “ok thanks so much for all your help Tash you have been so kind!” she wishes me “good luck” and ends the call, I actually don’t agree with a computer deciding whether I am good enough for a job or not why can’t the managers just trust their gut feeling like normal shrewed business people… hey ho needs must! 

 I focus on the presentation for now taking me into the early hours of the morning but I am in the flow and its looking pretty good if I do say so myself and I always periodically save my work in case my internet cuts out which it probably will soon as I need to pay that bill actually, I write on my note pad! To do list! Pay bills ASAP! Ok will action this soon tomorrow or something!

 Ok wow I look at my competed presentation in awe of how good it looks and all the pictures I have added a funny one of Alan Sugar saying “you’re hired” was fitting and all the colours I have included all the company brand colours, so I hope they notice this and like that fact!

 I feel really good and practice in the mirror my presentation like a rehearsal I should have always been on the stage me, but it wasn’t meant to be! 

 Ok it’s like half 2 in the morning now but I am wide awake what with keep replying Gary opening Amy’s door to me in my head over and over like a broken record! I can’t get that image out of my head… I dwell for a few minutes again and force myself to turn my attention to the psychometric test, I never bother reading instructions usually, but I really want this job so start reading and it lets me know there is a time limit on each answer and for the whole of the test – God as if this isn’t hard enough! But it’s a really good salary I googled their current vacancies and commission and its more than double what I am on now, or was on, I am currently on nothing! but I refuse to sign on the dole. well unless I really need to of course! Plus I am pretty sure you can’t just sign on after having told your boss to stick his rota up his arse I think as I sigh with regret… hmm ok live and learn Jess! 

 Shit I have just pressed ‘start test’ accidently I haven’t even googled anything or made another coffee as I am conscious; I am now on a ticking time limit now… gosh ok 

 This is not to bad as its multiple choice it’s just long winded, but I am just answering as quickly as possible to each question… I can’t help but think this test will be submitted at silly o’clock in the morning… fuck they will think I am a right nutter – focus Jess you haven’t finished it yet and you’re still on the ticking countdown timer clock! FOCUS!!! I tell myself… my brain hurts and feels immensely heavy with the strain, stress and work I have had to endure throughout the day/night but I am on overdrive now and in the zone I kinda love being this busy but I burn out also I have been known to skip 1/3 nights sleep in a row before and work and function totally normally where I notice most can’t keep up with my fast pace… 

 I breath a sigh of relief! As I read ‘Test completed at 03:24am’ I giggle at the time that will undoubtably not go unnoticed, but I am feeling good but also scared as I was pretty honest in the test maybe too honest! Oh well only time will tell!

  

 I finish drying my hair at my dressing table as if I don’t it won’t sit right I wear extension weaves because my shit hair doesn’t grow quick enough probably because I bleach it but I love being blonde and used to be as a child so it suits me, plus I love the princess look which I now have and costs a small fortune every 8 weeks with the upkeep! but it’s well worth it. Yes you could say I’m pretty high maintenance!

 I fall asleep naked to the coconut scent of a light layer of fake tan I have used ready for Hayley’s leaving do tomorrow night, I wake the next day with banging at my door – ah! My shoes! It must be my lovely lovely new shoes that I just had to have! ??

 I race downstairs realising I am stark naked! I keep going though thinking there are coats hanging up in the hall way to cover myself up with but my mum reorganised my flat (forgot she now has a key that she just had to have) oh no! there is literally just a scarf there hanging up - ok I will wrap that around me and grab my shoes discreetly yippee! 

 I look absolutely ridiculous but kind of sexy actually as I glace at myself in the mirror as I have a tanned sun kissed glow looking body with a coral colour scarf draped around me barely covering anything up, I quickly answer the door for my package and to my utter shock and disbelief it’s not the post man! Its Kevin!!! Oh my gosh what the hell… my chin has dropped to the floor “oi oi! Wow indeed Jess…” oh holy Jesus “its you Kevin – hello!?” I am so surprised to see him here wow I think to myself couldn’t have knocked my door when I am actually all dressed up later in my sparkly dress… no? “Hello sorry Kevin I’m slightly indisposed forgive me” I chuckle “I can see that Jess and no need at all to apologise – trust me!”

 As I don’t want to stand there like this on the main road with my door wide open like this I pull him in forcefully and say “get in here quick! And Stop laughing at me and shut the bloody door please!” I command authoritatively combined with a sexy tone, he has the biggest smirk on his face looking up at the ceiling trying to be gentleman “fuck it, I am looking, I am NO gentleman” he exclaims! We both laugh and I ask “Kev, what are doing here? how do you know where I live? I dropped you off remember plus, I found your pink lighter in my car, I thought you may be missing it…? And in dire need of it I couldn’t possibly let you go without having it back safely with you now could I??” wow smooth talker, I am secretly so pleased to see him I thought he’d forgotten all about me to be honest “ah my lighter wow thanks! You really shouldn’t have” I smile and look up at him and add “but I am so glad you did Kev – thank you” “also there is the farewell event this evening I wasn’t planning on missing…” hey what…? How the hell does he know about this oh I should have guessed! The twins! I left him alone for seconds in that hospital room wow! Ok I will let them both off as I am quite excited at the prospect of a date night tonight now instead of talking about my interview this week well ‘meeting’ I can talk about Kevin as they will all be asking of course I expect! 

 “Well come on get dressed let’s go for lunch” oh just like that he is taking me for lunch “Erm ok… what makes you think I don’t have more important things to be getting on with?”

 “What like shoes… I heard you shouting – ‘my shoes yippee’!” as he laughs – I blush giggling in agreement that I have no other plans “ok… ok! let me get dressed and as long as I am back by 2pm as the café below my flat will sign for my shoe package but they close at 2pm” “deal” he says shaking my hand.

 I rush upstairs shutting the doors onto the rooms that are a mess and lead him into the lounge to wait whilst I get dressed feeling a bit embarrassed now at going crazy what with newly being single interior décor, I kitted the home out just the way I wanted but feel I went a bit over the top with the unicorns, mermaids and fairies and fairy lights I have on display “woah! Its like a little magical kingdom in here aye” he mutters “yes yes I know” I call through as I quickly try and piece together an outfit that will make me look like a supermodel but I am not a miracle worker so this will have to do low cut mauve crop top with a high waisted skater swing skirt that’s black with black tights and little patent heel boots and of course my lovely bag to match – ok great I look fab and ready.

 As I wonder back into the lounge, he is busy reading my bloody poetry I have printed out and stuck to one of my walls… oh no! I hope it’s a good one oh good it’s the one called ‘hope’ he is reading! Yippee I like that one…

 Hope

  

 Hope is a feather fallen from wings

 Standing tall as one voice sings

 Rising against the heavy storms we each face

 Keeping the faith in your hearts good grace

 Ready to challenge the unjust ways

 Brave against them and those each coming day

 Hope is but a gentle whispering

 A star in the night sky that is always glistening

 Hope is the crack of dawn through the darkest of hours

 Thousands of seeds planted blooming in flowers

 Hope is the deep-rooted trees standing so strong and tall

 Hope belongs to all those who are fighting the fool

 It’s that inner spark that purges the soul

 Ignites us when this world is taking its toll

 Hope is where the crownless become king of kings

 Where a flightless bird, regains his wings

  

 “Jess – this is really quite excellent; did you really write this yourself?” I reply, “of course I did silly!” he looks down smiling and oh my holy fucking Jesus!! My bloody vibrating wand is on the floor for everything to see on charge how mortifying for me! “ah look away I scream!” is laughing so hard now! No anyway its actually a massager see and I show him the box stating that “oh yes I have heard about these wand massagers… hmmm” I say “right time to go come on” he pulls me back and stops me… “no! not until you answer my question Jessica!” what question I wonder in my head “and what would that be?” “well… have you considered self-publishing your poems on amazon Jess? Like I suggested the last time I saw you!?” oh yes I completely forgot about this! What a good idea I remember now its all coming back to me… “oh sorry Kev I have just been so so slammed lately I haven’t had a minute to think about it” I reply “well we have time now – lets get cracking” I thought we were going for lunch… “lunch though?” “we can research it over lunch you do have a smart phone I take it?” “erm yes I do thank you Mr I don’t use social media” ok we head off for lunch in his lovely car and I smile to myself having noticed a pot full of lighters he must have known my one by the colour and wanted an excuse to see me again – yippee!

 We go for an Italian and I order my favourite! Lasagne but no garlic bread on this occasion as I plan on lots of kissing later! He orders a steak typical man but makes a point of ordering 2 peppercorn sauces I order way too many drinks I am feeling tipsy, 

 He starts reading up on how to self-publish and showing me how to do it etc… and asks how many poems I have “well I think about 50 to be honest” he nearly chocks on his beer! “You already have enough for a poetry book then Jess” he says and continues “let me proofread them soon and we will upload your poetry manuscript! And then do all the pricing etc…” I feel so excited he thinks they are good enough to publish they might not sell but it’s worth a go I have nothing to lose I think to myself “ok sure thing it will be our little project together!” I eagerly state.

 My gosh! Oh no I check the time and it’s 13:50! Ten minutes to get home “Kev the time!” he necks his drink and throws cash on the table and pulls me along with him to the car as we have finished anyway but was so engrossed a the through of being a bestselling famous poet… I must have got carried away and lost all track of time.

  

 He raced through the roads in his fast car and I can’t help but feel how thrilling this is! I like life in fast lane indeed!

 We make it back but we are too late the café has the closed sign on the door with their lights off and no sign on anyone inside as I knock, I can bloody see my package sat there too! Oh how annoying!!

 “Is there a back door?” Kev asks “why you can’t exactly break in” he is walking around the back as I say this… “Kev wait up” before I know it he is jumping over the wall and letting himself in through the door they must have forgotten to lock up how silly of them I think but no1 can really get to this door without jumping over the wall which is usually highly unlikely.

 He comes back out and yells “catch” he throws my package over the wall! And jumps back over, I open it up eagerly and to my pleasure I see my beautiful sparkly silver shoes! Yippee I try one on and then Kev puts the other one on my foot I feel like Cinderella now! Wow! I walk about in the back alley modelling my shoes and laughing “wow what a hero you’re Kevvy!” “why thank you Jessy” he says “ok I have to dash but I will pick you up later on route to your sisters farewell thing alright?” I say “erm ok this is all happening so fast but it feels so right” ok! “shall we say 8pm as it’s only a ten min drive from mine” 

 “it’s a date!” he says rushing back to his car. I stop for a moment on my own in the back alley and jump for joy spinning around in my gorgeous new shoes!

 I love how demanding and dominant he is with everything and concise in making decisions, he knows what he wants and tells me so. Hmmm I like it.

 I go home and have a nice nap falling into dreamy land feeling on cloud 9 with Kev minus the no job and being evicted I put that to one side in my head!

 I wake and run a nice bath to rinse off the excess tan I have used, I look great and having a tan really makes my blue eyes pop! I squeeze into my dress but will have to wait for Kev to pick me up to actually zip my dress up properly I know it will fit because it has a stretchy material which is fucking great! It’s a silver sequin sparkly low cut skater dress with long sleeves! I love it I feel like a million dollars! 

  

 Yippee I hear knocking at the door! It’s my Kev! I lean out the window and throw down a key, he pops up “wowee you look absolutely sensational Jess you really do!” such a contrast I used to get dressed up with Gary and he wouldn’t even turn his head to look at me whilst muttering a forced compliment! We set off in a taxi this time so we are both free to get as smashed as we like! He looks amazing too I think he scrubs up really well I love the way his longish hair sweeps the side of his face!

Arriving looking and feeling great the pub is packed with people I know having a similar age to my sister 18 months between us its all my local school pals and neighbours and family wow they are all greeting me and hugging and kissing he hello! Oh my god! My little Lotty! In her wheelchair bless her ah yes this place has a ramp for her to use that’s why they picked this pub I see! 

 “My darling piggles Lotty I love you so much it warms my heart to see you here in your little chair!” she is so happy to see me but I notice she has put on quite a bit of weight bless her being in the chair but I would never tell her as she still looks absolutely gorgeous such a pretty face and great skin, Dom her doting fiancé hugs me awkwardly as I can he has never really liked me much I think I am a bit too loud for him as he is the strong silent type. Me and Lotty talk for ages as Kev has recognised some people at the bar to catch up with – Portsmouth is a small town you see!

I pull Hayley over and show the twins a present I ordered just a cheap heart shaped keyring with a photo of the 3 of on it which we can always carry on us, they both nearly cry and we all hug each other tightly telling one another how much we love each other! deep down even though we prone to bitchy arguments we always make up and forgive each other! 

 “Twins you are both very naughty inviting Kevin!!” I add half-heartedly 

 They both look at each other innocently and burst out in screams of laughter!

 

 Yippee they are playing all the great classics ‘Turn me on – Kevin Little’ comes on and that’s me! time to dance in think and grab all the girls even Lotty in her little wheelchair I don’t want her to feel left out as I push her through the crowed dance floor I accidently run over most of the guys feet with her wheels!! Ooops! Lotty is covering her face with embarrassment of me and I apologise profusely to her and form our own little dancing circle.

 The dance floor is packed and I am dancing the night away with Kevin now joining me spinning me around and twirling me so effortlessly, passionately and intently he won’t put me down I am literally like a magnet to him it’s so much fun I am even losing my breath now from all the dancing so I suggest “fag time?” most agree and we march on to the smoking area and me and Kev are busy whispering sweet nothings into each others ears… in our very own little love bubble no one can burst!

 Its closing time and Hayley makes a toast saying her goodbyes I get the feeling she is never coming home and that it might not be just 6 months…

 We head on home and I take my shoes off in the taxi with a sigh of relief my feet now feel so comfy being free, he kisses me in the back seat of the taxi and we couldn’t care less about the driver in front at this point as we are both so drunk and want each so much and the song now playing is so fitting and sexy ‘bad habits – Ed Sheeran’ love it we ask the taxi to turn it up return to kissing in his arms.

 I am so glad I have worn gorgeous underwear and shaved everywhere! Eeeks I turn my key in the door but he won’t put me down, he is insatiable for me! as the door opens while he is kissing me we tumble into my hallway falling over on top of each other laughing we carrying on kissing he is on top of me now and stands pulling me up lifting me over his shoulders up the stairs! I gasp in shock “put me down you boody idiot” I say without being able to stop laughing, he throws me on the bed and climbs on top of me I am beaming with the biggest grin on my face now he kisses me again passionately, we have the most erotic hot passionate sex I have ever had… wow! and afterwards we stay up most of the night drinking, smoking and talking about everything getting to know each other is so much fun!

  

 Gosh its sunrise and neither of us have slept for having so much fun! He can keep up with me mentally which I love, we talk for hours and hours laughing and giggling and all our funny stories I phone the café downstairs and pre order two bacon baps and juice, I pop down to collect them and we scoff the lot laying in each other’s arms in our little love bubble. With out tummy’s full we slowly fall asleep whilst the rest of the world get on with their sober day we are tucked up warm and snuggly in my bed feeling on cloud 9! I #wake to my phone vibrating, “erm hello” I cough into my phone as I talk “hello is that Jessica” “yes”

“hello this is Michael from The Poetry Society… you recently entered our competition online” I am now wide awake and bursting with excitement they surely wouldn’t be calling to tell me it’s a no-go or that my poem was crap…? “oh yes hello lovely to hear from you!!” I yell! “yes it’s my privilege to let you know Jessica that your ‘Hope poem’ has been voted number 1! And you are this month’s recipient of the first-place prize of £2,000 well done indeed to you Jessica” ahhh I scream! “oh my god really? This better not be a wind-up twins!” “erm no.. sorry 100% genuine I am calling to confirm your email address to pay you via PayPal please” I confirm everything he needs and hang the call up and notice Kev is rolling around half awake at my screams over the phone, “Kev I have just won £2,000!” “no way for real” yes I can see the email stating I have money transferred via paypal I show Kev “yes look” yippee” I jump around all over the bed and Kev picks my up and spins me around in excitement this is epic yippee.

 He stops and says “worthy winner indeed Jess, darling I have to go but I think its high time we exchange numbers please!” I laugh “I couldn’t agree more” we exchange numbers and he leaves kissing me goodbye and pulling me back to him for one last cheeky kiss! I tell him to go as at this rate he will never leave! But I secretly love his intensity and the way he is lusting after me.

  

  

 Now that I have won this money I want to keep entering as they have their next competition for the month upcoming I will write a better poem than Hope and hope it bloody wins again yippee… feeling so in love and infatuated I find it so easy to write a poem about Love.

  

  

  

  

  

 Love Love Love

  

 Love is patient, Love is blind, Love is the unconditional kind

 Love lifts us up tall and strong, Love enables us to do no wrong

 Love is fierce, Love is gentle, Love is strong, soft and sentimental

 Love thrusts you out of your comfort zone, Love keeps you safe and warm in your home

 Love is two birds together taking flight, Love is an energy, a euphoric feeling that’s right

 Love is the song that takes you to him, Love is the glowing pale moon pulling you in

 Love is like a late bloom thirsty for showers, Love grows tall like the tree that tower

 Love ignites and lifts your soul, Love turns your hollow heart whole

 Love is a gift that’s always free, Love is a treasure that holds no fee

 Love should be the world’s only currency; Love! is the only priority!

  

 There! another epic poem if I do say so myself! Finally, some positive in my life I feel like the wheel of fortune is spinning in my favour! And I wrote that within about 20 minutes! Wow I am on fire yippee!

  

 I feel like I should pay the rent it is rather too early to move in with Kevvy even though I am falling head over heels… and he has got a bigger place well a whole house but Adam I don’t really want to live with 2 men to be honest… yes I will pay the rent and spend the rest on having loads of fun yippee as I probably will get this new job which my presentation interview is Monday! It’s Saturday so tomorrow I am busy discussing Lotty’s hen doo to Benidorm, she picked it plus I think it will be lots of fun us girls together again making sunny fun memories! Me and Kevvy are texting all afternoon and evening long sexy flirty messages about last night and how much we like each other its been so fun every time I hear my phone bing I get a shiver of excitement course through me and when I see his name pop up I love it, I notice when I go to search for Amy on social media she has blocked me… my life long childhood friend just deserting me like this as if I am nothing in my time of need, she she has surely shown me her true colours she I always knew she had a selfish streak but this is beyond reconciliation… unforgivable behaviour but at the same time I missed my dearest bestest friend so much, I love her like a sister and always have done, I wonder if time will ever heel our friendship…?

  

 I wake and run a bath to get ready for Lotty’s hen do arrangements Hayley is flying out from Oz to meet us wow how pricey will that be!? I know I could offer to help pay as I have won that money…. Maybe! 

 Only I can be in the bath and forget to shave one leg, hey ho no one will notice off I walk over to Lotty’s new house she has bought with all her compensation money – every cloud really does have a silver lining.

 Wow “Lotty I love what you have done to your house” – it’s all the girls already there as I enter apart from Hayley who is running late, so we all sort the mini bus and the flights and the accommodations and everything else I absolutely hate logistics I don’t quite know why Lotty has made me her maid of honour to be honest I am shite as planning and organising she is the queen at this kind of stuff as she is my personal PA in life which is what I refer to her as – my PA.

 Plus by this time in the summer her legs with be fully heeled for dancing it totals £350 with Lotty’s bargain hunting but I offer to pay £1,000 towards it to help everyone including Hayley’s flight from Oz, it’s a long weekend! All booked! Yippee

  

 Ok - night before the big presentation now at home in my flat – I pick out yet another killer interview outfit and prep al my hair and everything ready yet again for the proper interview! 

 I wake at the 3rd alarm and roll over and quickly get up worried I have overslept as it’s 10am my interview! Phew! Its only 9am but I need to get ready quickly and have my coffee and smoke and also ring a taxi!

 When I am on my way Kevvy texts me wishing me good luck for my interview! This warms my heart.

  

 I greet Paige on reception, and she seems happy to see me, “well hello miss 96% the highest score thus far in the company” I have no idea what she is talking about until it dawns on me – oh that silly psychometric test… “oh really? Wow that’s good then I guess” I still don’t see the point in those things “I thought they would have emailed you” as if I think – managers don’t want you ever knowing anything good about yourself they hold onto it as a form of their control power I find “no I didn’t know hun”

 I get called into the board-room again this time we are in a different slightly bigger room, Shima smiles they are already sat down waiting for me Joe Morane (which I think it a comical name as it sounds just like moron) is sitting there with that solum look on his face he doesn’t say a word how rude, James starts by saying “Hello again Jess, all ready this time I hope?” “oh yes indeed – as ready as I’ll ever be” I don’t need to stand I just need the laptop in front of me to click my slides Shima turns the lap-top to face me but starts by asking me “why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself Jessica, we are keen to know all about you” she says encouragingly, I talk about myself my aspirations, views and what I am looking for which seems to go down well, Joe then pipes up and start telling me all about the company which too be hones tis going in one ear and out the other she has not got an engaging tone when he speaks at all – and my mind is racing “”we are a healthcare provider but have a sector here for care in the community in which we in-vision you resourcing the care assistants for the domiciliary care division” he bluntly states “ah ok yes this sounds exciting I think and definitely something I am keen to sink my teeth into” I reply and he nods. 

 Well no time like the present and laughs as if that was a really funny joke he made and then looked around at Shima and James to laugh along in which James did…

 I start the presentation well and click through each question and answer it in depth and details showing the pictures and colours I have chosen, it’s going well I feel they are all smiling and nodding so I think its ok….

 “well thank you so much for coming in Jess we will be in touch” Joe adds they each smile and shake my hand, Christ I was there over 2 hours and non of them even mentioned the test I had to do, at least I know I passed that one with flying colours… on my way our I see Tash again, she smiles and winks at me as I walk on out!

 All I can do is wait.

 On my way back home I walk going over all the questions and answers in my head with a beaming smile on my face – I feel liberated and hopeful once more of an offer!

I keep checking my phone but they haven’t called yet! Calm down Jess it’s been 15 minutes!! I wish it was like the old days where you just get offered on the spot none of this pissing around waiting for calls I should really be applying for other jobs but I really want this one to be honest! The money is great!

 I call Kev and let him know how it went he is so excited to hear from me we are getting on so well – he suggests picking me up as he finishes at 3pm most days being an engineer and self employed he picks his own hours God I had to pick my own hours I’d never get anything done!

he picks me up to save me walking and drives to the Coach pub! “Nooo I can’t go in there!” “why not it’s where we first met plus I had a little word with Kat and lifted my ban! And whilst I did so she told me to come on in and lifted my ban” ah yes we do love Kat it would actually be so great to see her again.

 We arrive and I give Kat a big hug we have drinks and something to eat chatting, laughing and having a good catch up when Hollie arrives for her shift, Hollie pulls me into the bathroom and tells me she is pregnant! And has no idea who the father is, “shit Hollie – what will you do” she has always wanted a baby Hollie has so I know she wants it with or without a father’s presence! “have you told anyone from work” I ask “no not at all don’t be draft I need this job!” aw my poor little Hollie but she seems happy and excited at the prospect so I am happy for her and we hug.

 I scurry back to the table hoping not to bump into Eileen when my phone rings! Ah ts the job its Recruitment Associates! I wait for a few rings as to not sound desperate and answer the call. “Hello Jessica it’s Shima, we would very much like to offer you the job here as you came across very well and presented a great presentation” oh wow I got it! Yesssss! Yippee “oh thank you so much I am happy to accept Shima thanks again” she goes on to say “providing your references are satisfactory you can start next week!

 I look over at Kat and whisper “references” she nods excitedly for me!

 Wow I feel so happy I was nervous it was going to be a no but I feel like everything is coming together for me now! 

 Eileen comes over to ask Kat to get back on shift as they are getting busy and Eileen looks over at me and asks “what are you doing here Jess” Kev yells “we are celebrating Jess’s new job actually we will have another round when you’re ready on the tab thanks”

  I feel so happy right now the look on Eileen’s face as Kev said that! Wow epic!

 Eileen is stunned and doesn’t know what to say so she walks off in a huff.

 I finish emailing Shima back with her reference request form giving Kat as a reference and scan through my offer letter email with excitement! It’s so much more money plus commission.

 I go to the bar for one more round and let Kat know to expect an email regarding a reference to me I whisper “Kat – check your phone hun and see if you have had a reference request email!!” she pulls it out of her pocket and smiles “ah! Yes got it they have just emailed me a lady called Shima??” “yes that will be it hun eeks what you gonna write?” I ask nervously “it’s a form I will fill in this eve Jess but don’t you worry my lovely” she says whilst winking at me, I breath a sigh of relief as Imagine if Gareth or Eileen had to write me a reference I would be screwed!

 Kev drops me home and on the way he mentions “I am lonely in that big house on my own” I laugh no you’re not you have your friend Adam there eating you out of house and home I am sure, “nah he found some new girl up north he reconnected with and has moved in with her” he explains, “oh I see, good for him how romantic!” he pulls up outside mine and kisses me goodbye he has work in the morning and knowing us neither would get any sleep if he stayed again.

 I feel on top of the as I turn my key and tackle my housework with the music blaring ‘Charlemange - Blossoms’ love that song!

 My flat is gleaming and all tidy and smelling fresh, I wonder I will be able to afford a cleaner with my new job I wonder to lazy self hmmm…

  

  

  

  

 It wake to my 4th alarm set for my first day at work as it’s a bloody early start 08:30! Until 17:30!! What a long day 5 days a week… I think the average working week should be at ¾ days it’s not fair to have only a weekend 2 days out of 7 whole days as a break! What a joke! 

 I look nice, I love wearing collared dresses because they are so comfy yet look smart at the same time with black tights and little dolly shoes as heels are just not comfy all day at work.

 I decide riding my bike will be best for my short commute as its only a 20 minute ride and I can hopefully lose some weight too!

 I arrive to be greeted by Paige on reception, she is such a jolly character with long black hair and kind of goth style make up, “well done on getting the job Jess, nice to see you again” this week you will be with Michael Wilkins, you will love him he will be taking you through e-learning and getting you used to the system we use” oh for fuck sake e-learning sounds like a bore but Michael looks fabulous I can tell I will like him immediately I see him walking towards us, he is a fabulous good looking gay man, the smart and sophisticated type with a great accent, he articulates himself with such ease brilliantly!

“Hiya Jess, so lovely to meet you I’ve heard great things… – you will be with me for this week so don’t panic you’re in safe hands” he says which makes me feel completely at ease.

 “Joe also thought it would be a good idea for you to attend the care assistants 2 day induction just to sit- in and get an idea of what they go through when they start work with us, this will be with Madeline, Joes wife in the company Thursday and Friday 

 We all also finish early at 3pm on a Friday and usually head down the local pub for drinks if you fancy it” 

 Wow this sounds good finishing early! “oh yes ok this sounds fun – count me in”

  He shows me the ropes at my desk next to him and I pick everything up pretty quickly apart from the e-learning, I keep failing the multiple choice modules, gosh this is bloody hard its all health and safety rubbish I care nothing about 

  

 Questions “in the event of a fire would you…” 

 I click the answer

 “Grab your bag and head straight for the fire assembly point”

  

 Well of course that is the wrong answer I know now but why on earth would you leave your bag if you could quickly grab it – what a silly question this is!

 Michael is in a meeting while I am getting on with failing the fire safety module… hmm just then a head pops up over my desk opposite me “Hi I am Steve just got in, I used my duvet day today” he says with a friendly yet sleepy approach “Hiya Steve - oh wow what’s a duvet day?” I ask, “you can come in once a month at 11am if you need a duvet day” he explains – wow this sounds good I will most definitely be using this I shall call it my hangover duvet day! 

 “So how is your first day going Jess? All good?” I don’t want to seem out of my depth, so I lie “yes all good just on the old e-learning, its going quite well actually” I say clearly lying!

 “Oh really I hated that e-learning it took me ages I was gonna say I still have the answers written here in my notepad somewhere I think as I kept having to re-do the whole modules but if you say you’re whizzing through I’ll let you crack on”

 Fuuuuck! no I really need his answers! Hmm I stand up poking my head over our separated desks “erm… well the thing is…” I say meek and mildly “HAHA I knew it! Bless ya” “Steve – I’ll literally give you this £20 note if you agree to give me all your answers to these sodding questions” I offer “mate if you’re giving me “£20 I’ll do the whole test for you” wow what a result! He logs in from his computer discreetly and wizzes through the horrid boring questions.

 Yippee they’re all competed and reading in green writing this time ‘Modules Competed!’

 We both laugh and I can tell he will be a good pal of mine he has a wicked sense of humour and makes me laugh also really good at his job but I can tell he hates it he lets me know his real passion in life is cooking he longs to be a chef I think.

 Oh you can’t just pop for a fag here you have to wait for either 10am lunch or 3pm… this is annoying I begin to clock watch as I really want my smoke!

 Just as I am gazing at the clock Michael swaggers back through towards us “how you getting on Jess? I see you have met our Steve he deals with booking our candidates into shift and might I say does it excellently” he is so complimentary I can see why Michael one of the managers he really does know how to get the best out of staff.

 “Yep all done and passed every module” I say showing him my screen. “fag time then” he suggests its not quite 10am but I suppose being a manager you can be treated more like an actual adult! I don’t argue either way and follow him out.

 A few other smokers start coming out it must now be 10am I think.

  

 Michael is so on form and polite introducing me to each and every staff member that arrives and forms a little smoking huddle circle around us, they must be curious of me being the new person I suspect...

 “Jess, this is Isabelle Trout” and goes on to tell me her title and sector of work, she is attractive but has quite obviously had way too much cosmetic surgery by the looks of her over pumped lips and pulled back face under all that make-up, she has a very stuck up demeanour and is looking me up and down “hmm alright” she says in a disregarding and careless tone.

 “And Jess this is ‘Badam’ (inside joke sorry Becks! this is Becky and Adam they are an item here and also top billers I might add)” they are very friendly and can tell they are very much in love, what a little lovely power couple they both seem.

 “Also Jess this is Jade Force” Jade is a real down to earth no-messing type of girl, I like her style! Also naturally pretty and not wearing any make-up and dressed in designer clothes I notice, and in all black hmmm bet she is rich!

 Michael moves on to say “this is Tash” she interrupts “oh I know Jess, hello we have already met briefly how you doing Jess? Alight?” she says with a big smile “hello Tash yes! We go way back don’t we!!” I say jokingly. ”

 And here we have Emma Morane” obviously one of the family related staff members I can tell by her second name, I can’t help but feel she must have been related to get this super professional job by the slack casual way she is dressed… she actually looks like she has just rolled out of bed with her hair, she doesn’t smile at me at all and I also get the feeling she thinks I am beneath her by the way she is frowning, hmmm not a fan of that one.

 “And then we have our little Loulabelle, Louise” aw she seems lovely so excited to meet me and all energetic with a fun loving nature – she is gorgeous also and very short I notice this as she is wearing high heels and is still the tiniest cute little one bless her.

 “And last but not least this is Izzy wizzy” I can tell I will like her straight away she is a petite with curly brown hair and freckles and bright blue eyes that are wide open with eagerness to meet me as she says “helloooo Jessy! how you getting on? How is your first day going etc…” she says as she wanders closer to talk to me completely invading my personal space but I can’t help but find her totally endearing, as she does I get a whiff of the smell of cannabis coming from her bag! Wow she must be a crazy little wild child which I love the thought of how funny she must be, “all good thanks Izzy” and I then begin to whisper to her ever so discreetly, “babes… I can smell your weed… be careful” she panics and laughs at the same time “erm… shit yes that’s mine I’ll put it in my car” she rushes over to her car which is parked outside in the car park we are smoking in.

 Time to go back in, Michael talks me through the rest of the job role with ease and we practice role play phone calls trying not to laugh, he shows me how to search on the job boards for candidates CV’s and also the general process of how it all works.

  

 Day 4, Thursday and I am picking the role up well I feel! But I remember as its Thursday I have to attend the carers induction with Madeline Morane to get an idea of what the new candidates go through as Joes suggested it was a good idea for me to have this insight - so I am just sitting in a large board room awaiting it to start.

 I pour a coffee and in walks a lady called Sarah Richards, she seems great very attractive, a lot older than me with kids and all grown up unlike me but we get on so well

 A few other carers who are starting with their new job with us start entering and joining the board room table taking their seats, until finally, Madeline enters.

  

 She is a strange type of character, she doesn’t stop talking in her funny irish accent she needs to stop and take a few breaths but at least she seems friendly.

 4 hours! into this board room presentation and still no break!!! covering everything to do with being a carer from meals, washing and dressing, shopping, health and safety, medication, domestic work etc.. and they have literally made this the most BORING presentation I have ever had to sit through, I have to keep hiding my yawns and sitting in the dark as the lights are turned off to see the screen I am seriously struggling to keep my eyes open! I can’t believe we haven’t had a break yet!! Madeline keeps going of topic and procrastinating on every single scenario she then adds “so for example… many many years ago way back when, I had this lady and…. Bla bla bla ” and starts telling a story that is so time consuming and borderline dull! As it has nothing really to do with the current topic!

 There is also another gay guy Matt Whitoast, presenting whilst taking it in turns, he seems rather in love with himself and quite pedantic and particular like a bit of a perfectionist, he is much older in his 40’s and laughs at his own jokes, I then realise he must actually repeat these jokes on every single presentation she has such a sense of superiority about him in a catty kind of way hmmm I think he’s rather quite bitchy by the way that he talks.

 I have a good sense of humour but feel if you can only make people laugh at the expense of others then it’s not actually that funny. I am the kind of person to always butt in and defend usually!

  

 hmmm I glance at my phone and try and be discreet as I am sure they have rules about phones and also it’s rather rude of me to even look but I have felt it vibrate so many times I wonder what the hells going on… I have loads of missed calls so I excuse myself and head to the loos of course!

  

  

  

  

 Oh its my good friend Kelly Davis from school – gosh lots of messages from her to read:

 “Jess, have you seen Amy’s profile picture on Facebook??”

 “OMG Jess! Is Amy going out with your Gary?? Is this your Gary in her picture?” 

 She print-screens Amy’s profile picture showing me the harsh sad truth that they are now an item! 

  

 I am not jealous of Gary but just hurt she would date my ex and betray me like this and not even give me an explanation after all our years of friendship, I actually feel sorry for her as she is in for one rough roller coster-ride with him or maybe it will work out and they are soul mates…. Nah defo not!

  

 I reply to Kelly:

  

 “Hello huni I know! Thanks for letting me know it was a massive shock but let’s have coffee asap tomorrow to catch up”

 “Well fuck coffee it’s Friday tomorrow lets have drinks!” 

 Remembering I agreed to go to welcome work drinks tomorrow with the work lot I suggest to Kelly to meet us there towards the end

 “Ok hun! Meet me at the Red Lion Pub at 4pm ish and we can have a good catch up I have missed you so much but understand you are busy working and being a single mummy!!” I can’t actually afford the pub but that’s what credit card are for I think worriedly.

  

 Rushing back to the dull induction presentation which to be quite frank! is not really necessary for me to be sitting in the presentation at all, its not like I am recruiting astronauts and need to learn the space science behind things they are carers! Hello…? I think I know I’ve got the gist of it… I think to myself.

  

 I settle back in as quietly as I can but trip over as I enter nearly falling onto Sarah she pushes me back up and I stumble to my seat… Madeline has stopped interrupted by me and she continues talking about how to lift and carry a box up the stairs for literally 25 minutes this goes on for… I never knew there was so much to consider picking up a bloody box… “ensure the pathway is clear” “ben knees, never your back” “map out your carrying journey” “size up the weight of the box” and it goes on and on and on I never have this problem I am a girl so obviously drag the nearest man to me over and flutter my eyelids and get them to carry it, it’s a universal law that men just love helping pretty damsels in distress.

  

 Finally home time and I cycle home but realise suddenly stop! Oh no my bloody chain has come off the bike, I think if I tried I would know how to put it back on but I am wearing white and don’t want to get messy, ah I know! I will have a fag and wait for a man, any man to pass by and ask for his help! Good plan!

ah I recognise this guy approaching from work, David I think his name is… “David?? Would you help me please my bike won’t move” I ask “Hiya Jess isn’t it? Yeah sure thing – oh it’s your chain that needs popping back on… ok” he says agreeingly, I pass him some tissues out my bag and thank him once he has fixed it. David is a tall good looking guy with lots of self-confidence but not arrogant, he has such a calm and laid back yet very intelligent manner about him – I like David Gilmore! 

 I ride of home with a sigh of relief thinking God, it’s good to be a girl!!

  

 Bath and bed for me as these early mornings and all this learning is really pushing me to my limits lately, but then I get lost in some online credit card shopping as I am excited for the upcoming hen do in a few months I order way too much and sashes and matching tops for all us girls to wear at the airport! Yey “250” later I dread looking at the total amount and close my eyes after proceeding to check out and click “confirm payment” yippee all mine!

 I can’t help but feel slightly gutted my ‘love love love’ poem didn’t even come runner up in the competition I thought that one was better than the ‘hope poem!’ hmmm 

 I begin to write another poem to enter into a competition even though I should be asleep I always feel the urge to write at night-time, I googled it apparently the brain is more creative at night and left-handed people just are naturally more creative… I am such a girl power mood lately I begin to write one for the girls!

  

  

  

 Girl Power!

  

 We are the sex where beauty knows no bounds

 The queens of the world, wearing our invisible crowns

 Women can do it all with such exquisite grace

 Thank God we now live in a time where we can no longer be put in our place!

 Ladies who are now free to prosper in anything they put their minds too

 Confident girls growing up in a world valuing equality through and through

 How our dazzling and charming nature inspires 

 Capturing the hearts of men setting souls on fire

 Mother nature is a fierce force to be reconned with indeed

 Women can now freely prosper whilst taking the lead

 Females free to wonder and roam

 Every goddess deserves, a golden thrown. 

  

 There! another completed poem for my growing collection…

  

 Friday at last and I feel a real sense of accomplishment being able to do a full weeks work full time, I am not sure how long I want to work like this for though I wish retirement was age 30! I’d be happy with this!

  

 Its approaching 3pm and I notice EVERYONE around me is itching to get out the door for a drink at the pub, staff have all started getting up and moving around and fidgeting which I find quite funny, Michael grabs me and we walk on over to the pub and he offers to get a round in for us all, it’s the smoking lot that I met previously plus a few others I am yet to meet, a rowdy bunch of fairly good looking males that also work for RA that seem highly competitive all necking their larger laughing loudly by the other side of the bar.

  

 Michael interrupts my thoughts “Ah! Jessy, please meet– Mike Jefferson, you haven’t met him yet as he works upstairs within our different care sector” “oh right, hello lovely to meet you Mike, so what do you do upstairs then?” I ask “I am the company founder and one of the directors here Jess!” he says not quite believing I don’t already actually know who he is, but no one told me… crap this is when actually doing company research would really pay off I note to myself for future reference.

 “Oh course I know wo you’re Mikey - I was just kidding” I say in a jokey way - phew think I got away with that one as we all chuckle not know whether I am telling the truth or just plane lying which of course it was the latter… I also think calling him Mikey went down well with him he seems rather smitten with me actually he can’t take his eyes off me I’ve noticed.

 Mike is a really good looking man with tanned skin and wet look gelled curly black hair taller than me and confident but also he has such a jovial nature we are all sitting in the pub garden as we smoke but he is such a crowd pleaser with his funny stories and jokes he is telling wow what a born leader he is, I like him already, I wish I was on his team in a way as he seems like a fair fun loving boss…

 I am now being forced to talk to an old man who also works with us who I have been warned about by Steve on how much of an ‘office pedo’ he is – Ewan Button, he bores the life out of me bending my ear about some dull topic in politics…

 Ah luckily, its gone 4pm and I notice Kelly, my friend arriving through the pub door I immediately rush over to hug her and bring her over to the rest of the work lot outside leaving Ewan to his boring stories alone.

  We are like two crazy people not letting each other get a word in edgeways as we have so so much to catch up on, she is my good old school friend, she is about the same size 12 as me and big chested, brunette with highlights through her long wavey hair with brown eyes.

 I see some of the work lads are already eyeing her up of course.

 She goes on to say she can’t believe what Amy has done and lets me know she wants nothing more to do with her as a result, what a good friend and loyal I love Kelly!

 We all stay drinking for longer than anticipated as the pub staff are now setting up the stage, dance floor and karaoke!

 Mike is first to sing a song, ‘Feeling good by Michael Bublé’ wow he is incredible and so good at performing, apparently, I hear he is never one to show off or do anything like this usually.

 I hear over the microphone “Up next please welcome Jessica Bath to the stage” oh my fucking Christ no!!! what the hell “Kelly!” I scream!

 She has sneakily put my name in the que for singing… everyone is coaxing me onto the stage as I refuse they push me even more. “what song have you even picked Kel???” she is laughing so much at this point “go on I’ve picked ‘Hot Stuff by Donna Summer’!” oh lord of course she has! A really sexy powerful song oh great I haven’t even like warmed my voice up or anything but have always been able to sing this song I just wish I was a bit more mentally prepared, I down my glass of wine, take a deep breath and start singing my heart out.

 Wow! I’m nailing this song if I do say so myself… its also such a crowd pleaser which I am glad of I hit all the notes luckily and sound good which I am so relieved about – I love singing and am not that bad to be honest when I am in the shower that is.

 Wow everyone is clapping and cheering me this feels amazing!

 I get of stage and yell “Kel you naughty little bitch indeed” we laugh and carry on our drinks and catch up.

 Kev is ringing me “fancy a lift home darling?” it’s about 8pm now and been drinking since 3pm so 5 hours is more than enough for me… “yes please my Kevvy!” 

 He arrives in his flashy black new Mercedes and I hop in dropping Kelly back on the way through.

 Me and Kev get on so well and are so at ease around each-other now, we decide to get a takeaway and watch ‘Avatar’ as its not on Netflix and I love this film followed by a girly film ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ I think such a classic.

 I fall asleep in his arms before getting to the second film, I wake with him carrying me to bed… wow I always thought I was to heavy to carry I love this!

 I wake the next morning alone, where has Kevvy gone I wonder? There is an envelope with a note and letter inside, it reads from Kev “pack your bags!!!” what!?? Whats this all about I wonder… I open the folded white letter to read a booking confirmation “weekend away in Newquay” oh wow! but its for 2 nights Saturday and Sunday I have work Monday ahh!

 I ring Kev “Hello darling!” he says “wow Kev this is so exciting are you for real we are going away now?” I ask “yep! Pack your bags we will return late Monday” he adds sharply

 “But I am not self-employed like you I actually have work Monday” I explain “so book it off or call in sick…” he suggests

 Hmmm no one will be there now on the weekend so I decide to leave a voicemail not planned well at all “Hello it’s Jessica the new girl, erm hope you don’t mind but I have been invited to a spontaneous weekend away and won’t be able to work Monday… all the best bye”

 Fuck maybe I should follow up with an email but I don’t have emails on my phone yet for the company I could google it, nah a voicemail should be sufficient enough I think

 I pack a big bag not knowing what to wear so I over pack like most women do and we set off for Newquay.

 This is so exciting a little mini break how romantic!! We arrive for our beach log cabin with a hot tub, the place is lush! This must have cost him an absolute fortune we are right on the beach with a gorgeous sea view its like a whole home inside not just a room wow!

 I spin around and fall happily onto the big puffy bed and as I sink into the cosy duvet I feel so in love watching Kev carry the bags in I feel I should do something to say thank you… maybe I should offer to cook dinner? Well that would probably be an insult instead of a thank you as I am not that good in the kitchen but I am good in the bedroom so I call through “Kevin get in here now and take off all your clothes…” I shout out so seductively!

 

 Its Sunday morning and I wake in Kevs arms, he has booked up to go horse riding which I love the idea of and have always wanted to go, plus I am a hose in chinses astrology so feel it is meant to be.

  

 “Are you an experienced rider” the lady at the stables asks me, as I look around at the young children getting their lessons I immediately respond “yes – know what I am doing” which is a complete lie but I just want to be able to ride off free and properly without someone else holding the reigns.

  

 I mount the horse ever so slightly not gracefully at all, and to my astonishment I am actually riding quite well, Kev is on his horse beside me and I yell “giddy up” and tug the reigns and off I go way to fast nearly falling off completely through the fields wow this is thrilling but I try and slow down now and trot beside Kev what a wonderful time we are having wow.

  

 We head back and decide to gather food along the way as we had lunch out, “so… what are you cooking me tonight then I wonder Jess?” God I have managed to get out of cooking all this time but realise now is the time to confess “I can only cook spaghetti carbonara” “well carbonara it is then!” luckily he pays for all the food I try to offer but breath a sigh of relief when he gets his bank card out to pay! As I am still skint having to wait for monthly pay from work and spending way to much on all my online shopping ‘must haves’

  

 I cook and we eat – “hmm is it supposed to be this dry…?” he asks as he laughs, “erm I don’t know everyone says this when I make it but I like it like this…” we both laugh and thank God we have a chocolate cheese cake for desert!

 I go into the bathroom and notice there is a gorgeous massive corner bath which gets me excited as you can tell I am a true bath girl by name and showers just aren’t really my thing.

 I run a hot steamy bubbly bath and ask Kev is he wants to join me, “fancy a dip?” he immediately rushes in already naked! “hell yes” wow he is so attentive washing and scrubbing my back which feels so good – I turn to kiss him and we can’t stop kissing I am getting breathless again and horny now wow, I have never had sex in a bath before (not counting my shower-head masturbations) but that was bloody brilliant, better in fact wow!

  

 Its Monday Noon and I wake to 10 missed calls… oh god who’s died I think to myself worriedly!? Oh no its Recruitment Associates!

 I listen to the voicemail from Joe Morane – that tough director from the interview “Jess!!, I have seen your voicemail and need to let you know how totally and utterly unacceptable it is to report an absence or request annual leave at this short notice, and in a voicemail too! How unprofessional of you!! we have proper procedures that you need to adhere to and I will be following this up with you first thing tomorrow morning in a meeting with Kate Fairsis who is HR Director here and also Mike Jefferson another company director, and may I add you are still on your probation here with us Jessica and we do not tolerate this kind of conduct in behaviour!”

  

 My heart is beating so fast now – oh no… I start to cry at the thought of being sacked for something so stupid, that was so harsh God has he never gone away spontaneously maybe I should have emailed in hind sight but still probably would have had the same reaction! Hmmm at least I know Mike now and he seemed pretty fair but who the hell is this Kate women… I feel so much anxiety coursing through me now… oh god I have left my bipolar medication at home also! Shit I tend to go off the rails I have forgotten to take my meds regularly lately…

 “What’s up darling why are you upset Jess? What’s happened??” Kev asks worriedly he has never seen me cry but I feel angry with him now also even though I loved his gesture of a weekend away I hate this being in trouble feeling that’s casting a cloud over me.

 “What do you think is the bloody matter Kev!? I told you about Monday and work” I reply bluntly back which annoys me as I am not angry at all with him in hindsight just the whole situation – it dawns upon me… wow we are having our first bicker! Eeeeks!

 He sits me down and explains in great depth with intensity of how I need to let my inner confidence shine through and hold my head up high in the meeting and look them all in the eye and just apologise but be honest at the fact I didn’t know and how its funny actually they are all human they will understand even if they let on that they don’t inside they will agree with me…

 I’m not in the mood to do anything now and want to just head home to be honest so we drive home with a more quiet subdued atmosphere than on the way up.

 Until that song we both like that was first playing for us before ‘you and me song – The Wannadies’ Kev turns it up again and looks at me and says “this is our song Jessy” I nod in agreement and we both sing along loudly and out of tune but we don’t care. 

 I thank Kev for the weekend away and grab my suitcase out the back of the car and wheel it home.

  

 I ring Steve Cook from work who sits opposite me, he cheers me up and finds it hilarious that I left a voicemail but warns me of how strict the company is at the same time.

 I then phone Izzy wizzy as we are work mates now too, she is in fits of giggle as she is probably stoned bless her as she takes the call, she calms my worried and nerves down talking me round.

 It felt good chatting to my colleagues I get on with them both so well.

 I ruin a nice hot bath and soak in my fears of tomorrow, I get out washing away my anxiety feeling more relaxed and ready for tomorrow now.

  

 I am in the board room now waiting for the management team to join me, seems a bit much 3 managers for an early annual leave day Christ. Hey ho.

 All three enter and sit.

 Joe gruffly starts with “I won’t beat around the bush Jess, I am issuing you a warning and on your first week which is thoroughly disappointing to be honest” 

 I explain and defend myself just stating “it was spontaneous though” I notice Mike smirking but trying to keep a straight face at the same time but Kate Fairsis in Hr passes me the silly warning letter for me to sign, I sign it in the hope it will all be forgotten about and we can all move on from it.

  

  

 6 months now into my new job and I feel I am a real pro I am nearly top of the leader board with placements and earning lots of commission! I am really enjoying placing the carers they are all so easy to talk to and persuade…

  

 My manager on my team now is Shima still sitting opposite Steve and also Tash (the bus stop girl) has transferred to my team along with Ewan the office peedo and Izzy Wizzy 

 I nip to the loos quickly as I can feel I have come on my sodding period and need to clean up, typical, when I stop to notice Shima coming out of the loos with her head down and wiping away tears, this is so so unlike her she is literally the strongest most confident women I have ever met in my whole life and real – women power type and she is the sign of the Virgo – independent strong lady! I stop to ask her “Shima! Huni are you ok my sweet??” she has a stiff upper lip and nods but I can tell she is not obviously from the tears!

  

 I suggest sneaking for a quick discreet fag as I feel she needs it big time!

 “My mum died last night Jess” she explains – I am in total shock I can’t imagine what suffering she is now currently going though but even just hearing this and seeing her like this even brings a tear to my eye.

 “Oh Shima… I don’t know what to say I am so sorry bless you my darling” I then ask “why are you in work hun?? You should be taking grievance time off…” I suggest “I wish I did now I thought it would be best to focus on work” she explains.

 “hmm I see maybe offer to work from home and then if you don’t feel up to it at least you are at home and comfortable in your own surroundings for a while aye?” she nods in agreement and lets me know that’s a good idea and heads up to let management know.

  

 I can’t help but feel so distraught for her I sit and write her a poem that I leave on her desk for when she comes back from her meeting upstairs.

  

  

 Farewell

  

 The sun has set on your soul in this realm

 Though not for too long, as your memories linger on

 Through the twinkling glows as I gaze upon the night sky

 Your spirit is free through my mind’s eye

 Life is an array of gifts with each break of dawn

 We needn’t morn, or wallow in sorrow

 Cherish and embrace each coming sunrise

 Know I am looking down on you through lives golden surprise

 Reunited in the company of angels in heaven

 Where you will one day join me on cloud eleven

 Whenever you are fearing it

 Know I stay with you in spirit

  

 I place it discreetly on her desk and leave it there for her to find in the hope this will give her some sort of comfort, she returns and sits at her desk briefly, everyone is now getting up to go to lunch, she stands up holding the poem and bursts into tears, oh no its upset her more shit! “This has touched my heart Jess – thank you” she says as she gives me a hug.

 “Ah Shima I can’t imagine what you are going through but it made me feel so deeply the thought of what you are going through I needed to write a poem”

 She wipes her tears and says her goodbyes because she is allowed to take a week off work to grieve but they still want her working from home! I find this so harsh!!

  

  As its now the month of June its Lotty’s hen do fast approach which her legs have heeled but still can’t go back to work as she was a life guard before and needs to be able to stand for long periods of time - I am packing my bags and picking out all my cute little outfits for our long girls weekend I was allowed to bring a friend so I picked Kelly – not Amy! For obvious reasons!

  

 We are all on the mini bus travelling at silly o’clock as we needed cheep flights and me and Kelly are slightly more upbeat than the rest of the girls who are using this night time to fall asleep, we are both so excited we have brought drinks with us to neck on the way with our own speaker I play loudly “baby baby – by Sunblock” really getting us in the mood we are dancing and singing away and having so much fun when Hayley my sister yells over “will you two shut the fuck up please we are all trying to sleep” Christ are we on a hen do or a nun do I think “alight Hayley calm ya tits we are just having fun” me and Kelly giggle and need to stop the mini bus for a wee on the side of the road how ladylike we both are.

 The rest of the girls are tutting at us now because we are delaying things as I smoke whilst having a wee! “coming, coming, coming” I yell

 We finally get through customs and are on the plane to sunny Spain all very excited now taking photos and singing along.

 Mum has kindly given us three girls all $150 euros each for spending money also which I desperately needed as I have pre paid for a stripper to surprise Lotty in a club this evening yey!

 We get off the plane to be greeted by waves of heat it feels gorgeous but also I am now sweating already. We arrive at what can only be described as an absolute dump of a hotel and we are all informed that we have to pay 100 euros deposit before even entering due to the repeated damage they are constantly faced with by drunks… 

 “Take your key and pay 100 euros deposit for your room now please thank you!” the man on reception demands Christ at least I am sharing with Kelly so its only £50 each…

 “Would you like to buy a fan before they all go?” fan, no I will just use aircon… he must be trying to upsell me well it won’t work “no no thanks that’s ok thanks!” I reply

 I notice the other girls in our group are all buying fans! How silly.

 There is 8 of us girls all together and 3 rooms I look around and notice so much chaos but it looks really fun with down to earth people at least typical brits abroad out on the last and loads of other hens and stag doos.

 We check out our rooms and notice me and Kelly’s room is huge! But no aircon! I am sweating I go back down to reception to buy a fan and realise they have sold out! Fuuuuuck!

 We unpack and head down to the pool for swimming and sunbathing – ah this is lush

 I call Kevvy to let him know how much I miss him like a love sick schoolgirl but also to let him know I have arrived safely! 

 We talk for ages but everyone is shouting at me to join them in the pool and I am so so hot I can’t resist!

 Fuuuuck! To my utter disbelief there is no hairdryer! And my hair is so wild and curly wet after it dries… I ask reception but surprise surprise there isn’t one I ask the other girls in a panic but they are all reluctant to share and we are in a rush to get to the bar as I have arranged a secret stripper for 21:00 and it is already 20:15

 Great I have mad wild curly big blonde massive hair but I kinda look very much in holiday mode with my tan and crazy hair I am wearing a bright pink strappy crop top with a high waisted white layered short skirt and sandals as we all walk along the night club strip with all the bars we hear all the groups of men shouting “oi oi girls” and so on.

 Before I know I am literally being lifted and carried into a bar by one of the club promotional workers for free first drinks this is so much fun but I warn the girl we must neck our free drinks and head next door to the ‘Beni Bar’ for Lotty’s surprise stripper I have previously arranged and confirmed just before on the phone.

 We arrive and dance so carefree and merrily before the stripper approached dressed as a police man he grabs Char as he can tell she is the bride to be wearing her little vale as a prop I got her plus the fact she is wearing a ‘bride to be sashe’ we all gather around and are in fits of giggles watching Lotty get slapped around the face with this cock! Oh my god I had no idea it would be this graphic!!!!

 I thought it would be rather PG but hey I guess that’s Benidorm for you! 

 Lotty is so stunned and shocked I did this for her “Thanks for that Jess that was a real scream” she says breathlessly after such an ordeal.

 We dance the night away until the club turns into a live strip show magician type thing, we all gather round to watch the man and lady are asking for volunteers I yell and pull Kelly’s arm up in response to getting my own back for the karaoke she made me do with work that day!

 She is so nervous being dragged to centre stage, another man called Martin is pulled up on stage too by his group of mates they each take a seat on stage and have to kiss each other and also watch the performers do some utterly distasteful funny things I never thought possible.

 Once its all over I notice Kelly and that Martin chatting away they are getting on so well it almost like love at first sight! Wow they are now kissing we all notice as we continue to dance the night away!

Next day after the fun night before we spend on the beach getting sun burnt I am fare so always burn no matter what I do the twins take after my dad and tan nicely lucky pair!

 Back at Hali Apartments we are getting ready for a dinner meal out we hear…

  “Kelly, Jess open up look Kelly look out the balcony now quick Kelly look!” I open the door it’s the twins Hayley and Lotty so excited and yelling at us to look out the balcony “Hello you two why what’s up what’s all this about??” Kelly is stood on the balcony and we each hear her take big gasp in shock covering her hands over her mouth she turns and looks at me…

 “Well? What is it?” I rush over to look out and read in flower petal writing below by the pool reading “Marry me Kelly! Love Martin” oh my god is this a wind-up wow what a hopeless romantic… I knew they both got on so well but never imagined this! 

 My Gosh he is stood there with an actual ring he must have bought today! 

 “Kelly go down right now what will you say” she has the biggest smile on her face and screams “YESSSSS! I LOVE YOU MARTIN!” wow what a contrast she came here single and will be leaving engaged haha!

Lotty, Hayley and me all hug Kelly and drag her downstairs to kiss the pants off him

 “Do you really mean this Martin” she asks excitedly “fuck yes I love the bones of you Kelly” Martin is a massive big built fella with blue eyes and very friendly from what I gathered but like Kelly hardly knows him but saying that by the sounds of what I heard coming form the lounge apartments last night she probably does know him slightly more than me! 

 He lifts her up with ease and they kiss so passionately and urgently, he joins us for our meal and they sit together in their little love bubble I feel so happy for her it makes me miss Kevvy.

 It’s now Monday thank God after a fun-filled weekend filled with selfies, sun burn, swimming, drinking, dancing, icecream, shots and proposals we are ready for home! we pack our bags excited by the idea of clawing back some money with our deposits we head to the airport. The ques are so long and not moving so I decide to not only lay on the marble cool cold floor I lay my whole body flat on the marbly glass cold floor cooling my whole body down – ah this feels good Kelly takes a picture of me which I know I will live to regret as I look a right mess but do not care at this stage of sun burn. Everyone else is just standing for hours instead of just sitting down, so odd people are the que is not moving… a few people copy me in the end and are glad for it to.

 Me and Kelly sit together on the plane talking about our boyfriends and how she is planning on living with martin as he is local and he doesn’t even mind that she already has a little boy etc… she is so happy and I feel so happy for her meeting Martin!

 Her ring is massive too he must have a good job and earn a lot of money we can’t stop looking at her ring it is so sparkly.

  

 Home again now and I run a very COOL bath to avoid my sunburn hurting as I am so fragile each time, I move my body.

  

 I booked Tuesday off work also as I knew I would need extra time to recover from all the alcohol so I decide to go on over to Kevs to surprise him, he is so happy to see me and take Tuesday off to as he has missed me, we go for lunch and can’t stop all the talking he always makes me laugh so much I love him to bits.

  

 Wednesday and I am back at work because I am doing so well my manager has asked me to train a new girl, and a month later another new girl and then the same the fowling month another new girl! It has really taken it out of me trying to stay on target whilst doing all this training, especially as they are like brand new to life also straight out of school practically and not even sure how to construct an email not like when I first joined they had me jumping through so many hoops they must be a fast growing company.

 Gemma who I trained is nice though, Jody is an insufferable snob who thinks she knows it all and Chloe is a fun loving rather immature girl but in a good way I suppose, I have to remind her we are at work and to stop tasking selfies! I just don’t want her getting into trouble

 I have also managed to get my sister Lotty the job on reception as Paige went on her maternity leave right in time and it’s a sit-down job which she can do with ease and we often laugh about people being told off in the board rooms as she sits opposite them and secretly lets me know! She has also lost all her wheelchair weight now looking fabulous again she was even in the paper for all her weight loss!!! 

 I get called to a meeting, by James who was in my original interview, he compliments me on my hard work and training ability as when I think about it I have really stepped up immersing myself in a more authoritative role learning what motivates each girl to get the best out of them as they don’t take any prisoners they are firing like 1 a week for under performances…

 “well done Jess you have really shone this past few months and I wanted to be the first to let you know you are this month’s recipient of our employee of the year having made the most amount of placements you which will be announced at the awards ceremony” 

 “Wow thanks really? Me? wow” in a company of over 50 employees this is a huge honour I feel so happy!

as I head downstairs sworn to secrecy Tash asks me what that was all about in my meeting and I make up a lie about business development chat.

 She fancies James big time and doesn’t stop talking about him – I can’t help but feel she is jealous we had a meeting…

 I get a message on my phone, oh it’s James “Well done again Jess you deserve this award” 

 I reply “thanks again James!” 

 He keeps messaging me… I can’t seem to shake him off 

 “I am looking forward to celebrating with you at the end of quarter awards Jess I bet you will look gorgeous all dressed up no doubt”

 Erm… ok “haha you too! Cheers to me!” I reply “I mean it Jess you are sexy as hell and I’d like to show you what a real man can do…”

 I don’t reply! I think its best we leave it here I can’t believe he is messaging me this is so inappropriate and makes me feel less good about winning my award now, I dare not tell Tash she will be so jealous.

 Should I tell Kevvy I don’t know how he will handle this to be honest… is he the jealous type he doesn’t seem it being so secure…

 Nah I’ll leave it but print screen the messages in case he deletes them!

  

 I am getting ready for the ‘end of quarter’ free bar three course posh meal event, I am wearing a long campaign slit legged dress with my hair and make-up all done beautifully thanks to the hairdressers I notice I haven’t opened my mail I read a letter with red writing oh God! I really am being evicted the landlady is selling the flat and café below me!! shit!!!!

 I have a month to get out, my heart sinks as I have a CCJ against my name I have no idea how I will get a place of my own again… and I throw the letter on the coffee table in the lounge.

 This will have to wait until later on! we are allowed to bring our partners to the EOQ event so Kev arrives to pick me up looking amazing all in black tie.

 We are clapping at our table in the work celebrations until eeeks I hear “Employee of the year this year goes to Jessica Bath for her tenacity and most candidates placed within the company combined with her solid work ethic” I stand to make my way to the front to collect my award and have my photo taken wow this is such a thrilling feeling, as I do James grabs my arse! How fucking dare he this is so awkward standing and smiling whilst trying to have my picture taken wow! 

  

 I make my way back to the table and decide to tell Kev everything as I can’t hide the look on my face any longer, Kev is fuming and just goes quiet and walks out for a smoke I presume.

 Later on in the evening we are all on a high and dancing the night away when I pop to the ladies, in follows James grabbing me and trying to kiss me. I push him away and tell him to stop but he wont I end up having to slap him around the face as Kev comes running in he grabs him lifting James off his feet and shoving his head down the loo! Screaming “apologise to Jess now!” James is mortified and covered in water from the toilet and profusely apologises not that he has much choice!! 

 We head on home both not speaking about it and in a strange horrid atmosphere.

 I should have told Kev before but didn’t feel it necessary… shit what will I do about working there he is a manager!

  

 Monday morning and I am dreading going to work I use my duvet day I saved for an emergency time off I might need. I arrive at 11am to be called straight away into a meeting, James, Kate, Joe and Mike are all already sitting there – shit!!!!

 Joe directly asks me “so Jess, here we are again in yet another conduct meeting, what the hell happened in the ladies toilets!? Do you want to be honest with us?”

“Well it’s not something I make a habit of” I reply “cocaine Jessica we are talking about the cocaine James fond you taking in the toilets!!!” what the hell he has completely made up a lie about me to get me fired!

 I am gobsmacked – If I am going down I am taking him with me – I tell them all what REALLY happened and James of course denies all of this and I then show the print screens on my phone James’s face drops! He can’t believe I saved the messages, and I was right he did delete them after getting no response from me trying to cover this track no doubt 

 They ask me and James to step out for a moment to deliberate.

 I get sent home on what they call ‘garden leave’ until a letter arrives a few days later letting me know they are letting me go signed by dick head Joe the absolute moron! 

 It goes onto say Tash who I thought was my friend stood witness to the so called fabrication of James version of events, I knew she was friendly with him what with him being her own personal love crush hero at work but fucking hell I never thought she would stood so low to actually make up vile rumours about me I bet this is spreading like wild fire in the company now! Great! “James ‘CUNT’aferry!” indeed I say!

 I have no job and am getting evicted! 

 I screw up the letter in a rage and cry hard, so hard I can’t quite catch my breath!

 I pour a wine and neck it and pour another…. As the hours pass by, I settle in my numb state of mind and write a poem:

  

 If

  

 If you can stand tall when this world takes its toll

 If you can hold the gaze of a fool when they endeavour to scold

 If you can keep your head up rather than fold

 If you can ignore the whispers they were all told

 If you can rise above the idle envy they hold

 If you can remain ever kind in a world that is cold

 Then you can call yourself a lady, with a heart of pure Gold

  

  

  

  

 I tell Kev over the phone about my job and he rushes over to console me, I am so drunk I just need a Kevvy hug now, he comes in and hugs me I pop to the kitchen to pour us both another drink when I hear the door close… he has gone! Just like that without saying goodbye… I get the feeling he doesn’t want all this drama in his life and cry even more.

 Half hour passes and he is back! “well?” I say expectantly - he picks up the sodding letter that he has obviously noticed its titled in large red front ‘eviction notice’ oh no! 

 “Jessy I had to go back you should have told me I went back to get this” and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key, “what is this?” “what does it look like” “well it’s a key” I say “wow nothing gets past you does it my Jessy” I laugh “but what is this all about I am so confused” Kev takes me into his arms and whispers in my ear “well you have to move in with me now and I won’t take no for an answer Jess, I am loved you the moment I clapped eyes on you in that pub but thought you might think me too old for you as I have ten years on you!” oh my god this is… for once I am literally speechless… I look around bemused and stunned at this proposal of moving in I can’t lie and say I didn’t think about it but they were fleeting thoughts of wishful thinking… this can’t be for real “are you for real” I say “why do you think I came in that dive of a pub night after night Jess!?” 

 Wow this is so amazing I love his house and him “Yes ok yes please!” I say excitedly as I dry my eyes.

 “Now – you can get another job anywhere but a Jessy, you are a writer! Pursue this instead and get your poetry bloody published like I have said it is easy to self-publish!!”

 “Ok I will do this! Ok!” I am so nervous at the thought of suddenly trying to be a writer I think I will write to poetry magazines and start looking into self-publishing.

 We sit together while I upload my poetry manuscript that took me nearly all night to do with all the different layout and font choices and editing and piecing together my collection I finally click ‘confirm publishing!’ Eeeeks it’s really done a proper poetry book with my photo on the front and name in big titles wow! I feel quite proud of myself, and I price it reasonably and sit back and wait for book sales refreshing the pages constantly

  

 It’s the following weekend and the moving vans are here! everything is boxed up and nearly ready to go, he has even agreed I can take all my fairy, mermaid, and unicorn décor with me!! I feel so lucky!

 Once the moving men have unpacked everything and moved me in Kev whispers in my ear adoringly “so are you ready for your surprise now?” yes please I have hardly seen you whilst moving in where have you been Kevvy?”

 He goes upstairs and comes back down telling me to close my eyes which I do excitedly “meet Bonnie – our new puppy” “woof woof” I hear oh my gosh! The cutest little Shih Tzu puppy greeting me eagerly and wagging her little tale so happy to see me this must have been where Kev was hiding as I was moving in! wow “Hello my little Bonnie I love you“ I say kissing and hugging her.

 I am so overjoyed I fell in love with her immediately! Wow I never thought I could love something so much to be honest!

  

 I am all settled into the house now and have really taken over making it my own, I notice my emails and what a wonderful surprise my books are actually selling there are loads notifications!!! Wow I am gobsmacked I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner!!

 I have earnt a fare amount already and it’s not been that long on sale I hope this carries on!!

 We decide as its such a nice sunny day to go for a picnic along the rock gardens in Southsea Beach its so magical there with all the flowers in bloom!

  

 I read a letter from Hayley from Oz telling me she has met the love of her life out there and she is staying for good and so happy with her new business she has set up as a well-being life coach, wow! I am so happy for her. 

  

  

  I lay in Kevs arms stroking Bonnie eating my ice-cream and finishing my happy poem:

  

 Daisies

  

 Roaming through the riverbank I welcome that gentle breeze

 Around I look at last I see! a field full of daisies

 Laying in the golden sunshine I find myself asleep in dreams

 A girl I am again making daisy chains, happily and lazily

 Sprightly moving merrily so carefree are these

 The dancing daisy’s fill this field with such an array of energies

 Wearing my daisy chain, I wake at the trees howls and whispers that they tease

 Smiling upon the colourful daisies brings back so many magical memories

 I dance around wearing my crown, made of the daisies and of the leaves

 In this garden of Eden’s nature brings the soul’s remedy

 If I am to leave this place it takes a piece of my heart which I feel grieves

 I float and wonder carelessly through life’s living fantasies

 Again, I sit and reminisce of happier times spent, beneath the trees