An Encounter And The Freedom To Indulge

I am an independent woman in my early thirties unmarried and relatively attractive as per the opinion of some male friends. Marriage and settling down in life with my husband and kids were never a priority in my life. Although my mother was always trying to influence my thoughts in those lines.

My priority was an independent life where financially I would not depend on anyone. I would be the sole master or the controller of my own fortune. I have seen the status of women in family and society through my mother and grandmother etc. It's the same old story. I just cannot bear the thought that I would have to ask someone for money to run the household or for other consumptive expenses. Or the thought of acting on decisions made by a male member of the family where female ideas are given rarely any weightage. My mother followed all the orders made by my father or before him, my grandfather used to give all the instructions. Living permanently under the watchful instructions of a husband or a patriarch was a total no-no for me. Although at a personal level, I do not have any reservations against any man in particular. On the contrary, I do not dislike men. My dad is the only male whom I love the most. Sometimes I felt that my father got more love from me than my mother.

As I grew up this abhorrence of male domination suffocated me. So at one point in my life, I conspicuously avoided male company.

Perhaps, this was one big mistake. Later on, I would realise that men and women are interdependent. God or nature has created the universe around us that way.

Till my age of twenties, I was too engrossed with the building of my career. But that is my characteristic trait. When I do something, I do it with a mission in mind and do not stop till I have reached a satisfactory level or goal.

In my career with God's grace, I found success easily. After working as a salaried professional for a few years I decided then to go it alone. Because as I have said, I prefer to be my own boss rather than take orders from someone else and if it's a man then it's a clear no.

For some time I studied the market and its dynamics. Then I launched my own brand of women dedicated products. I had competition from some multinational companies but I knew the market. As I had minimal staff and I had the idea of pricing so I had the edge. Because I worked with minimal profits knowing that I shall rake in more as my volumes grew. In this sphere, I definitely had the edge over the MNCs.

In a few years, I was well established and hardly anyone could dislodge me from my position which made a niche' area loyal to me. Financially I was now very stable and I finally had the full support of my parents and other relatives. I did not have to take any orders from anyone and I was my own boss and I was happy about that. I was now a very contented woman. But life never makes you feel complete.

Now there was one area where I was feeling empty and deprived. In my thirties, I felt life flowing by and some important stages of life not being achieved. I wanted to become a mother and parent a child. Seeing other women around me becoming mothers and taking care of their children made me also yearn to be one.

But for that, I would have to marry a man. I must disclose here that I wanted to have a biological child out of my own body with whom I could physically relate and for that, I needed the help of a man. I had an aversion to being a single mother and adoption was not at all in my thoughts. But now I accepted the fact that I would have to partner with a man for the rest of my life. Because however modern and independent I may be, it dawned on me for the first time that I had to depend on someone. Because I was not that evolutionary to think to adopt a child at the very outset without trying for my own biological child. Also, I was conservative enough to be and remain to be the wife of the same man all through my life because I didn't want my child to be fathered by someone and brought up by someone else. My child should grow up in an ambience of good healthy parental love. For this a loving trustworthy relationship between a woman and a man is mandatory. In this marital equation, there would be an equal relationship and no one would dominate the other. These conditions put up unknown challenges ahead of my healthy family growth. But marry I must because the passion of becoming a mother was eating into me.

I uploaded my profile to some matrimony sites and I started getting responses. I sometimes rued that due to my unending passion to be financially independent, I had sacrificed the age when love comes naturally. During college days many a situation had come up for love, only if I had given Indulgence. But the romance didn't come to me. At this age of my thirties, I looked at every man suspiciously. I thought that either the man is wanting my money or wanted to like me because of my body. Somehow I felt that my body was generously disposed of now which previously I had overlooked and the situation was making me aware of it. The more I thought of it the more conscious I was becoming of my body. 

But I wanted to marry a man who would love me and care for me as he would love himself and who would be willing to spend the rest of his life with me. In this relationship, there should be no domination over anyone by the other. Following the profile upload in the matrimony site, I started receiving calls, updates and then interviews. Many male suitors came and went and I couldn't find my ideal partner. Many of the men who came to see me were more interested in my body, I felt. Some would stare at my body shamelessly or look at my breasts or the cleavage of my blouse and had those looks which I didn't like. One suitor asked me out for a movie. I agreed thinking that would help me understand my man better. But unfortunately, I had a ghastly experience. In the darkness of the cinema hall, that man groped me and pressed my breasts in an unbecoming manner. This angered me and forgetting my decency, I gave a tight slap across the man's cheek and walked away from the cinema hall without creating a further scene. Then there was another indecent proposal. One prospective suitor asked me out for dinner. I agreed thinking for the best in our growing relationship. But after dinner, the proposal he made shocked me cold and hot. He proposed to sleep with me and try if we were 'compatible' with each other. To which I replied I remember, '' I am not the one to donate my virginity to any Tom, Dick and Harry. My body is reserved for the soul who would love me selflessly and not just love my body. ''

I now felt disgruntled and stopped searching for my life partner for some time. 

I almost went into a depression. Sometimes out of frustration I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror unclothed. I admired the generosity of the body parts God had blessed me with. But how I felt that some men were willing to exploit it. I couldn't imagine what some men would want with my body. Was I so physically attractive maybe but not so beautiful? I had not groomed myself to be a voluptuous beauty because I was a busy businesswoman. Whatever body I had was nature's natural gift to me. I felt disgusted with the thought of how some men would think of me as a consumable commodity. Instantly felt angered at the thought of how men wanted to take advantage of it. I promised that I would never let myself be used as a commodity. I demand love and care and equal partnership in a loving relationship. Then when the thought came across my mind that someday due to a good man in my life I may become a mother. Then I would feel happy and enjoyed the thought that my baby would suckle my breasts and drink my milk. I would hold the breasts in my hand and feel its weight and it made me feel better thinking that nature would fill it with milk, the nectar of life. The thought of giving life to someone would cheer me up and then I would come out of my gloom. This continued for a few months. 

Then, fortunately, God gave me the most beautiful moment in life. It changed me completely.

I used my car to commute to work. One day the car broke down midway and I had to take the public bus. It was very crowded and everyone was glued to one another irrespective of being man or woman. I felt very uncomfortable because I was not accustomed to it. I found other women tolerating this patiently as they were probably habituated to this way of travelling having no other option. I found it highly uncomfortable with two men sticking their body parts close to mine. Then I found that one man's bottom getting agitated and starting to vibrate having touched my rear which had been in close contact for quite some time now. As I felt very awkward and sick, on the contrary, I found satisfaction in the man's face who was standing glued to me and I wanted to get down from the bus immediately. But it was so crowded that I could hardly move. Then out came an angel. A man sitting nearby offered me his seat. Probably he was aware of my precarious and embarrassing position. The overall situation was so tight and close that our cheeks brushed with each other and our lips almost touched. I saw the embarrassment on his face and I also blushed. But he had saved the day for me. For the rest of the day, I couldn't forget him, my unknown benefactor. He was a simple and ordinary man with no particular ambition and taste for his grooming and attire. I would never have given a second look in another situation. But now he was my hero. I just couldn't remove him from my thoughts.

The next day I got tempted to see the man once again. I abandoned my car and waited at the same bus stop from where I had boarded the bus the other day. To my utter surprise and delight, I found the man waiting there probably to catch the bus to go to his workplace. Later he had disclosed that he also had been eager and hungry to see me. I forgot he was a stranger and looked at him to find him looking at me shyly. Our gazes locked momentarily and we both smiled at each other. We boarded the bus but for the rest of the journey, we stood side by side without talking. He of course spoke by offering me a seat. Then we got down to our respective destinations. This we repeated the next day and the next till we broke the ice and started talking. I now forgot the use of my car and the crowded bus seemed heaven for me. Because I found my love here and found my man. Now the crowd and the body parts touching didn't bother me. Even when I felt someone was taking undue advantage of the curves of my body and gratiating himself then my Saviour would come in between me and my male impostor and protect me and my womanly. I now became infatuated with this man and his simplicity. I found that even with his body touching mine on many a day, he didn't take any advantage of the touch and never did feel to gratify himself. Slowly we began to converse and he also shared his growing affection for me. He particularly caught this bus on purpose to visit me but he didn't have the courage to speak seeing the difference in our positions in society. Later I found out that he was working with a newspaper and was an assistant to a lady journalist. But now I didn't see our differences because love had covered all the disparity. Then one day I took the courage and proposed to him at the bus stop where we boarded the bus. Here also I felt proud of capturing an area defined as predominantly male. Usually, men make the proposal. My man accepted my proposal and very soon we married. In our marital relationship, I found that he was never the dominating type. I also consciously adopted the stand to not become dominating. As I didn't want to be a dominating wife taking advantage of my husband's kindness thinking to be his weakness. 

By God's grace, I was now a satisfied and contented woman now as a wife. I found my man who was so gentle and polite was just the opposite when we were making love. He was wild and fierce but never harsh and dominating even while loving me. Soon my man made me pregnant with our child but still, I maintained my freedom and independence. In due time I gave birth to a bonny baby, a boy. My husband, my man was always by my side but never interfered in my privacy and independence. I now felt that I would not have to fiercely guard my independence which was now assured, a given to me. I felt pride well up in me when my baby boy breastfed. My independence and freedom were present in the way I fed him by holding my breasts in his small mouth and pressing the warm milk. Motherhood is the best experience a woman could experience in her life. I had achieved all that a woman can achieve in life. I had wealth, a loving and caring husband, a bright baby boy and all this without losing my independence and freedom. That encounter destined by God had now given me the freedom to indulge.