A Walk Down The Murky Lane

It was dark. There was something morbid and sinister about it. The air was serene. Yet it felt disturbing. The creaking sound made by the cots disrupted the otherwise eerie silence. The clock ticked at a pace slower than usual. Hours later, a thin streak of light pierced through a crack in the wall bringing the scum into focus. The sun shone brightly announcing the arrival of a new morning. In a corner, lay Renuka. Her expressionless countenance seemed angelic. Not a muscle twitched. Her ebbing and troughing chest was the only evidence that she was alive. The other women in the room got of their beds and wandered aimlessly across the room. The sudden hustle bustle deranged Renuka. She opened her eyes only to shut it immediately. After being cooped up in the hell hole for months now, sunlight felt like a rival to her. A lanky man dressed in blue entered the room and guided the women to the garden. She turned and sat facing the wall with algae creeping all over it. 

"Lenuka," a faint voice rang in her ears.

The memories she had locked away in a dark corner of her heart broke free and she tremored. Clutching the soiled pillow tightly, she huffed. Her breathing pattern changed. Her pumping organ thumped against the bony cage. She dug her nails into her skin and shrieked. The shriek sounded like an injured animal seeking help. A nurse clad in a white saree rushed towards her. A guard followed suit. She pushed the nurse away. The guard held her arms while the nurse frantically loaded a syringe with a liquid. Ignoring the tough fight put up by Renuka, the nurse pierced her frail arm. Renuka winced and bit her tongue. Tears streamed down her cheeks and dribbled down her chin landing on her gown. The liquid made its way into her system and she gave up. Her eyelids began to droop. She felt dizzy. Clasping her head, she collapsed on the bed. The nurse placed a pillow under her head and flung a crisp, white sheet over her. 

"Will she ever get fine?" scoffed the guard.

"She has been the same since day one. Medications were changed. Dosage was increased. But she hasn't show any signs of improvement," the nurse empathized. 

"Maybe, she craves human attention. Where is her family?" asked the guard.

"Her husband had visited for the first few months. But he eventually gave up. Her parents visit her occasionally. I'm not sure if she has kids. She hardly utters a word making it more difficult for the doctor," the nurse clacked her tongue. 

The guard shot a sympathetic glance at Renuka before leaving the room. Renuka lay on the bed with her eyes closed, her face calmer than ever. But the medicine failed at soothing her heart. 

"Lenuka," she heard the voice one more time.

She sat up startled unable to move an inch. Her muscles tightened and she felt parched. Her past rose its ugly head all set to consume her whole. She stared at the wall and wondered how many hours had passed since the last time she was awake? People in the room lay wasted and forgotten oblivious to the passage of time. Day and night seemed the same. She heard a clank and turned. A nurse stood facing her holding a plate in her hand. 

"Finish your dinner and take these medicines," she commanded.

Renuka nodded. She loved nights over days. There was something comforting about it. She imagined the moon shine in full glory and a smile flashed on her lips momentarily. The nurse frowned in confusion and left.

"Will you stay with me until I finish my dinner?" Renuka wanted to plead but she shushed her mind. 

Picking up the plate, she placed it on her lap. She dove her hand into the rice and filled her mouth with it. Tears flooded her eyes as images of a young lad formed before her. She stuffed her mouth with more rice and felt a gagging sensation overpower her. Faint images began to play before her like a movie. The images grew vivid with every passing minute and she felt breathless. 

"Lenuka," the voice haunting her reached a crescendo. 

She pressed her palms against her ears and tried to block the voice. But in vain. She slipped into the alleys of her past. The alleys felt dingy and suffocating but there was no way out. She felt as though she was trapped in a quagmire. The more she tried to get out of it, the deeper she sank.

 Many years back, dressed in a pick-coloured frock, her hair tied in pigtails, Renuka waited at the door holding a card in her hands. Her eyes shimmered in anticipation as she stared at the huge black-coloured gates. Minutes later, a car hit the gravel and came to a halt. Her father got off the car and opened the door for her mother. Clasping her newborn close to her bosom, she walked towards her home.

"Welcome Home, Mumma," Renuka frolicked. 

She hugged her mother and said, "I missed you so much."

She attempted at carrying the baby in her arms when her grandmother intervened, "Step back, Renuka."

"Maa, let her carry the baby," her grandmother's glare silenced her father.

Renuka stood with her gaze fixated on the floor. 

"Don't be sad, honey. You can play with him soon," her father consoled her. But the pain inflicted by her grandmother didn't subside. 

Unknowingly that incident had sowed the seed of envy in her tender heart.

Days passed. The newborn had become the apple of everyone's eyes. The next of kin and family friends hovered around him all the time leaving Renuka unattended. She felt neglected. Her heart gave a resentful jab whenever she saw someone mollycoddle her baby brother. She loved him and cared for him. But she grimaced at the attention he garnered. The newborn kept her mother busy all the time. When she wasn't busy she was tired. Her father tried his best to spend time with her. He read her bedtime stories, tucked her to sleep and gently stroked her hair as she slipped into the dreamland. She knew that her parents loved her. But she wanted them to state the obvious. She craved for their hugs. She yearned for her mother's sweat stained kisses. At a tender age, she had grappled with surging emotions. Those recurring incidents had laid the foundation for the apocalyptic events that were to occur in the years to come. 

Months passed. Renuka looked like a real fairy in the white gown. She cast her spell on the audience as she waved the magic wand and swayed in synchronization with the music. While everyone's eyes were fixated on her, her eyes searched for the woman who had choreographed her dance. The woman who had painstakingly designed her outfit and braided her hair. Her pillar of strength. Her mother. Tears spilled over her lashes and her heart growled in disappointment. Slowly, the disappointment faded away paving the way to anger. Wasn't her mother supposed to be there for her? Cheer and clap for her? Questions flooded her mind. Minutes later, the music stopped and she got off the stage. 

She ran towards her father and asked, "Where is Mumma?" 

"Raju fell and injured himself. Your mother had to rush him to the doctor," explained her father.

"Mumma doesn't love me any more," cried Renuka and ran as fast as she could.

"She wanted to be there for you. But things took an unexpected turn. She was helpless," her father huffed and puffed as he followed her. 

Her father's voice dwindled as the distance between them grew. He tried to maintain the pace but his knees didn't support him. Only after reaching the parking area did she stop. Her father opened the door and she got into the car. Angrily, tuning into the radio, she stared out of the window. 

"Honey, Mumma and I love you so much. Every bit of her yearned to be with you today. But sometimes things don't go as planned," her father's voice was low but was laced with sorrow.

"Granny could have taken Raju to the hospital," Renuka refused to look at him.

"Your granny's muscles and joints have failed her. She cannot carry him in her arms. And, Raju was crying inconsolably. He didn't let go of your mother for even a second. He needed her," her father gently stroked her hair.

"Even I needed her," her annoyance was evident in her tone. 

"I was there for you. Wasn't I? Doesn't that make you happy?" her father tried to be patient.

"Yes. But I wanted Mumma to be there too," she sulked.

Her father stopped talking. Silence ensued for the next few minutes. As they approached the house, she noticed that her mother was waiting for her. 

"My baby," her mother ran towards her and hugged her.

Kissing her sloppily, she ran her hands over Renuka's frock. Momentarily, Renuka's anger dissipated.

"I missed you. You should have been there," her puppy face had melted her mother's heart.

"I'm so sorry, honey. I'll always be there for you," her mother wiped her tears.

Renuka shot a suspicious glance at her and her mother reiterated, "I promise. I'll always be there for you."

A smile crept up Renuka's lips. But her happiness didn't last long.

"Mumma, " cried Raju as he walked towards them rubbing his eyes fervently.

The mere sight of Raju made Renuka's blood pulsate. She looked away trying to conceal the rage that burned her eyes. Her mother carried Raju in her arms and held Renuka's hand.

"Let's go," said her mother.

A cake awaited Renuka and she rushed to it.

"Thank you, Mumma," she clapped.

"Cake," her brother muttered.

Renuka took a closer look at him for the first time in days. His head was bandaged. His eyes were narrower than usual. He really was injured.

"Lenuka," he gestured to her to carry him in her arms but she refused.

He couldn't pronounce R and referred to her as Lenuka. Despite all the negativity clouding her mind, Renuka's heart fluttered at the sound of it. Her mother held her hand and they cut the cake. Her father clapped for with tears of pride rolling in his eyes. She was about to feed her mother when Raju snatched the cake from her hand and ran to the room.

The fumes that had died rose in full fury. She wanted to spank him hard but not wanting to get in the bad books of her parents she retreated to the bedroom.

Similar incidents played on loop making her heart a powerhouse of wrath. One year later, her family had planned a vacation. One of her father's friend worked at a resort. He had suggested that her father visited with his family. The thought of a vacation with her family excited Renuka. She meticulously packed her bag and helped her mother in packing Raju's things. Her father carried Raju in his arms. Holding onto her mother's hands she hopped to the supposed la-la land.

"Play with me, Lenuka," asked Raju.

His faltering speech tugged at her heartstrings and she obliged. On reaching the resort, Raju shone in the spotlight while she felt uncared for. She stomped to the room and crouched on the bed. 

"What happened, honey?" her father was concerned.

She faked a stomach ache and her father let her be.

"Take rest," he kissed her on the forehead and sat by her side.

 

Raju jumped around the room. The employees at the resort took turns to visit them and pamper him with chocolates. She closed her eyes and lay on the bed losing track of time. But his squeals irked her. Two days passed. It was their last day at the resort.

"Play with me," Raju had held her hand and dragged her.

'All the employees must have gotten bored of him and he now needs me,' she sneered.

Rains had lashed the town the previous night. The garden was marshy. Raju kicked the ball high into the air and watched it fall into a pit.

"Lenuka, get it," he pointed at the ball.

"Why don't you get it yourself?" her mind shrieked.

Reluctantly, she dragged herself and retrieved the ball. She threw it in the air and Raju caught it. He ran around and reached the corner of the cliff. 

"Come here, Lenuka," he said.

He held her hand and they walked. They continued to play and during the course of their conversation, he said, "Mumma and Dad love me more than you."

Hatred cast an eclipse over her soul. Those moments of neglect played before her. Those moments when she had craved for her parents attention strangulated her nerves.

Her red rimmed eyes shone under the bright sunlight and she looked fiercer than ever. He giggled and closed his mouth with his hand like he was trying to suppress his laughter. 

"But I love them more than anything in this world and you are a bane to our family," she whispered and without thinking even for a second, she pushed him off the cliff.

He fluttered in the air like a bird and finally disappeared. She took a step back. Reality stuck her like a lightning. What had she done? What would she tell her parents? Thoughts chugged in her mind. She collapsed to the ground. 

A few minutes later, "Mumma," she bawled.

Her cries attracted the attention of the receptionist. Soon the place was thronged with people.

"What happened?" her mother hugged her and tried to console her. 

She buried her face in her mother's stole and wept. Despite the commotion she could feel her mother's heart beat against her chest.

Minutes later, "Raju," she said and pointed at the cliff. Leaving her on the ground, her parents rushed to the end of the cliff. They turned and looked at her.

"We were playing. Raju kicked the ball. It rolled and reached the end of the garden. He ran to pick it up but slipped and.." she gasped for breath and couldn't complete the sentence.

Her well-rehearsed words did the job. Her parents didn't question her. Instead, she was treated as a victim who had witnessed a ghastly incident.

Her mother couldn't stand any longer. Her mother lost consciousness and fell to the ground. A search operation was launched. But they failed at finding Raju's body. Her mother was taken in an ambulance to a nearby hospital. Due to the rains, the resort was sparsely occupied and no one had witnessed Renuka's deed. Holding onto her, her father wept for hours. Guilt churned in her heart but she let it go. She spent her days faking sorrow. It took years for her parents to move on. She wondered if they ever forgot Raju. She tried to be a perfect daughter. She didn't want them to miss him. Time was the best healer or so she thought. That afternoon played in her mind from time to time. But she nipped those memories in the bud. She graduated from college and got married to a man of her father's choice.

'I owe him that much,' she had thought.

Two years later, good news came knocking on her door and she embraced it. Her husband pampered her and she took the center stage like she always wished to. But her joy didn't last long. She met with an accident and lost her baby. Slipping down the rabbit hole, she dwelled in a state of apathy. Sleep eluded her and she spent her nights thinking and weeping. On one such night, an image formed before her. It was Raju. He was smiling as though he was rejoicing at her sorrow. 

"You deserve it," his shriek shredded her ear drums to pieces.

She buried her face in a pillow and hollered, "He avenged his death."

Her husband woke up with a jolt. 

"Are you okay?" he asked and handed her a glass of water.

She downed the contents in one go and stared at him. She wasn't her usual self. Her continuous stare made him feel queasy. 

"Renuka," he shook her and she cried.

"Who avenged his death? What are you talking about?" he husband's voice trembled.

His question jostled her to consciousness. Revealing the truth would push her into a hell hole. Her parents and husband would abandon her. 

"Nothing. I was just.." she mumbled and placed her head on her husband's lap.

He stroked her cheeks and lulled her to sleep. But nothing remained the same any more. Voices and images haunted her. She had become delusional. Was it the guilt that troubled her? Or was Raju seeking justice? Nothing made sense to her.

 Perturbed by her sudden change in behaviour, her husband spoke to her parents. They visited her in an attempt to placate her. But she avoided them. Her behaviour became worse with time. She shrieked and cried. She tried to harm herself more than once. Her behaviour left her husband frustrated. Her sought medical help but she didn't cooperate. One evening, she hit her husband and it was the final nail in the coffin. She admitted her in a mental asylum. 

Her parents and her husband visited her every week. Her parents weren't getting any younger. And, watching her suffer ripped their heart apart. Their visits reduced with time and her husband stopped visiting her. It felt like she didn't exist for him. But Raju held onto her like a monitor lizard. His voice and image sucked the life out of her. The continuous influx of medicines left her drowsy. Her speech became slurry and her mind betrayed her. She spent day after day staring at the wall hoping that death would engulf her soon.

"Time to sleep," the nurse's words jerked Renuka to the present. 

She looked around. Women of different age groups lay on their beds staring at the ceiling. Everyone hoped that they would soon recover. But hope had deserted her. She slowly lifted her bed and reached for a blade she had hidden underneath it a few weeks back. 

Darkness enveloped the room. Taking refuge in the darkness, she let the blade draw a gash on her wrist. Blood oozed out of her existence. But she didn't feel the pain. Not anymore. A series of dots formed before her.

'You cannot torment me any more, Raju,' she smirked and felt liberated as she closed her eyes forever.