Seconds

It felt as though I’d been staring

At that loaded syringe for hours,

Maybe even days:

Hating it, loving it, wanting it,

Wanting to hate it, wishing for more of it,

And then inevitably hating myself.

It’s irresistibly deadly and I can’t walk away.

My body ached, begging for anything

To take this emptiness away –

Desperation can cause reckless decisions,

Like injecting enough poison to kill most,

But not you, no, because you’re invincible.

After a few seconds of sober indecisiveness,

While I continued twirling that syringe

Through my fingers, thinking, thinking –

I reached for my tourniquet,

Tying that blue rubber strip around my arm

As tight as I could possibly get it.

LOOP AROUND / TUCK UNDER / S N A P

Months ago that snap used to hurt,

Back before it provided me with comfort.

My circulation is now cut off and

My arm was now purple, my hand numb,

“No big deal..” I whispered softly

While actively choosing to ignore tears

Slowly running down my cheeks:

Shame, embarrassment, total hopelessness.

My incompetence was so painfully obvious

But on the bright side,

This I can always do so perfectly.

There’s always that feeling of resentment,

Hatred towards myself and this fucking bag –

This bag I’ve let control my entire life, taking me further

Down this path which only leads me to death.

I hate it, I hate this – the drug, syringes, the orange caps;

I’m so selfish, searching for an escape,

But at what cost?

I was sitting on the floor,

Still crying and feeling sorry for myself

My arm still turning blue,

Holding that which I now loathe.

Until finally,

I stabbed my arm, poking my favorite vein and.

RUSH!

Just as always, it was. Incredible,

Indescribable, perfectly satisfying

And when I was done, I felt human again,

Which almost made me slightly angry.

THIS is what keeps me here, it’s the reason

I’m still an addict despite my best efforts

I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t quit.

Ten minutes ago, I was ready to die,

I was fully prepared to take my own life,

I’d never had to poke another hole, to crave

That rush, I’d finally save me from myself.

But well, you know what happened next.

SKIN BROKEN / REGISTER, FLASH OF BLOOD / EMPTIED THE SYRINGE IN MY ARM UNTIL FINALLY – COUGH, COUGH,

And then as I exhaled and slowly closed my eyes,

I felt human again, and there was total SILENCE.

That is all it ever took, one shot and instantly –

Those thoughts are completely gone,

My mind can slow down enough to think

And in that second, I feel so fucking alive.

It’s sick how instant the poison killing me

Also adds light to the darkness my mind

Traps me inside for days, even weeks

And for the first time in what feels like forever:

The world was bright, the monsters were gone

And I finally felt like myself.

One impulsive decision could erase

783, 973, 711 seconds of a lifetime I’ve spent

Just barely surviving, until I finally found

An escape from the madness, the cure for the dark:

Instant gratification, while fully aware

That I could lose it all, I’m risking everything

And without any warning, my life could end,

And yet still, I’m reaching for my spoon again.

I’m willing to give up everything,

To risk absolutely anything

To escape what haunts me,

And finally, feel the sun on my skin.

I’m giving up my whole life

For relief, freedom from my mind

And the recognition of who I’ve now become.

But honestly,

I don’t regret it at all, ‘cause for this feeling

I’d trade every second I had left

Just to feel like this even one more time.

And let’s just face it,

We wouldn’t keep doing something so toxic

Unless it was very well worth it.

And this feeling, it’s worth every second.