4 AM Thoughts

Every day is predictably the same      

It is exactly like the day before, and just like those that follow after      

I find myself in a vicious vicious cycle.  

I am surrounded by the same helpless and even more hopeless friends,  

Which I just cannot seem to get rid of  Despite all of my best efforts.       

My body feels uneasy -- RESTLESS   not my legs or the knee I am bouncing,                            

I am starting to think that maybe this time I really do want a change;    

A change in my life, my friends, my habits and the way that I think.  

I think it is time to leave this place,     

I want to run far far away to a town where nobody knows me;    

Where no one knows my past. and nobody recognizes my face.    

And I never want to look back again.   

I want to start over somewhere new,   

I want to be anywhere else.           

I want so badly for people around me to think and talk about something,  

Besides drugs and getting high. and how we cannot ever find them.     

I want them to talk about life and their own goals and dreams

Literally anything but getting high

I don't think I even care, be quiet.

I want to figure out who I am,

I want to know what kind of things I like, don't like

And learn who I am again, because,

It's been a lifetime since I was able to

See that person in the mirror, not to mention

Actually like the refection and what I see,

I want to like who I am, and right now

I fucking hate myself, I suck at everything.

Is it too much to ask my friends to care about me?

More, if not at least care about me as much as you

Have always been sure to care about yourself

You're selfish, I want good friends

Who doesn't only care about drugs and themselves?

Not to mention,

I'm sick of worrying about how to pay the rent

I'm tired of worrying about money,

Especially when it all gets wasted into my arm

I’m sick of panicking the first week of every month

When the power’s shut off yet again

I never want to take another cold shoer

Because I chose to get high instead.

I'm done crawling into these little plastic bags

Searching for crumbs, and a reason to live

I'll let you know if I find out, I have not yet.

I'm scared there will come a day when I'm not able

To find my way back out of them,

I'm scared I'm losing myself more and more

The longer I live this life that I live.

I want to leave, and most of. I want clean veins.

But well.. pipe dreams, because just like every night

As she pulls out her sugar spoon, then

Tells me to go grab mine too.

Without any protest, or even thinking about it,

I simply responded,

“Yeah, I guess I’m tired too, should we sleep?”

Wait, what a stupid question

Of course, we won’t sleep. Why sleep?

Why waste all of that time you could be doing anything,

But of course, that also leaves us with too much free time

It causes me to spend too much time alone and

In my head, I can't think straight

Where are you?

You used to make this better, you used to be the

Medicine that got me well.

Where are you? Be here.

I have too much time on my hands,

To fucking hate myself and to be sad.

I don't have much time left,

This place is going to consume me,

There won't be anything left,

Please rescue me from all of this,

Keep this life from stealing

The last of the sanity I have left

Help me

Help me before it's too late,

And I'm lost, gone for good.

Help me, help me get out of this town.

Please, soon.