Booked, Until Next Time

I could hear my heartbeat, 

that’s when I knew this was real.

The panic set in. 

Every day was different however today, 

was unique on its own. 

The walls felt closer to my body.

The usual noise surrounding me,

was much quieter today. 

The whirring of the fan even became a rhythmic melody. 

All the noise and hustle that would usually distract me, 

felt unknown today. 

It was almost like today was the day, 

the day I couldn’t skip the healing process. 

The day I really had to make myself go through it. 

No matter what. 

Today was the day all means of distractions ended. 

All ways of hiding my emotions and putting them in a box far far away, 

finally caught me. 

This day today brings me back to the day it happened for the first time. 

Reconciling with that same known shattered emotion.

However this time, I am not expressively crying or pouring my heart out. 

This time I’m silent. 

Silently watching misery take over me, with no control over myself.

Silently letting everything connected to us fall apart right in front of me and being able to do absolutely nothing about it. 

I truly never felt this loss of control. 

However today! 

Today it feels foreign to me.

This new sense of overwhelming surrounds me.

Shook with every bone in my body. 

However, sitting silently. 

As I write this in my diary.