Blood On Your Hands

The blood of the people from the previous day has kept me awake all night. I rarely get to sleep a full night and I avoid sleeping because of the nightmare which follows. People often compare my profession to that of a God. Social media after the pandemic are all about praises for Doctors and Nurses. It is a well-paid job, yes but not everyone is exposed to its dark world. Some of its drawbacks are well known to the outside world such as extended shift timings, small breaks, working on off days etc. People also don’t realise about the deaths Doctors see every day. The sight of a person’s life slipping away in your hand is one of the most tragic things in the world. The other one is where you have to tell their loved one that there is one person less to love. This is the reason that I retired from the profession. I could not deal with the consequences of my surgery. Even though there was nothing I could do to save my patients, I somehow blame myself for their deaths. As the death tolls kept increasing from my hand I had to quit and ensure that I don’t walk that path again. 

I have a daughter who started to show interest in medicine. She is 14 years old and though kids change their goals often, I would do anything to change her mind away from medicine. There were days I was haunted by things in my profession and I do not want my daughter to experience those horrors. I got her a book about different jobs in the world for her to read and analyse which job she prefers. Before giving it to her I tore off the pages related to medicine. To my surprise, the curious girl that she is; wrote everything related to the Doctor after searching on my phone on the last page of the book. I decided to have a conversation with her in the hope to change her mind. 

“Abhinaya…”

“Hi appa!”

“I can see that you have completed the book”.

“Yes appa. I did all the research. It was helpful. Thanks for the book”. 

“And what have you decided on?”

“It was really tough appa. I still have not concluded but my final decision will be one of these: General surgeon, OBGYN or a paediatrician”.

I was stunned and realised that the moment of ‘the talk’ I wanted to have with my daughter was too late. My daughter had set her sights to become a Doctor and the book I gave her only provided more clarity to her. I asked her why she chose the profession and informed her about the drawbacks I faced while exaggerating a little bit”.

She told me that once near her school a kid got injured by falling off the bus and was admitted to hospital. Everyone thought that the boy was impossible to save but the doctor was able to save them in the end. Abhinaya had seen the parents of the child celebrate the doctor and blessed him for his deeds. 

“But what about the deaths, Abhinaya? The more years you work as a doctor the more the deaths you deal with”.

My daughter said something which made me rethink my view on medicine.

“Appa, people who do bad things in the world do not worry about their consequences, then why should doctors like you who are deemed as Gods, heroes, saviours think about consequences? Give your best, hope for the best and never look back!”