The you shaped hole in my Heart

Aria, I'm outside your door again. It’s still very quiet here, devoid of all the noise and laughter I know could fill it, because I lived through it, lived through you. I'm not sure why I do this, come here on a whim, sit under the stars and speak to myself, when I should just grab a phone and call you. I can’t do that though? can I? It’s been what? seven years? It’s also your wedding in a few days. The invite sits on my bed side drawer at home, it hadn’t come in for me, but for my parents. I can still picture how my mum had turned to look at me, like she could tell, even after not being home for years, this being my first time back here since I left to explore the world. That the heart I pretend not to have these days, for a while now, still beats for you. Actually, I'm not sure it ever stopped.

My eyes shift through the lawn where we had played in the dirt, with big goofy smiles on our faces, the table set by the entrance where we had hurdled together to get homework done. The squeaky stairs your father always promised to fix but never got around to doing. It’s not squeaky anymore, I guess he finally fixed it. I missed so much didn’t I? so much of the life we used to have here, so much of you. I probably shouldn’t be here, your parents aren’t home, they already travelled down to you. their baby girl is getting married. Your dad had the brightest smile I'd ever seen on his face, same as your mum. She had beamed wide when she saw me, hugged me tight like she used too, like I wasn’t a lot taller than her. She had given me a look too, similar to my mums but not quite. I still don’t know what it means, even though part of me knows it has everything to do with you.

Did you ever tell her? or do you keep the memories close to your heart like I do? how we were each others first everything? how we were each others everything? how I loved you before I knew what the word even meant? Did you tell her how it all started? how we went to see “ A walk to remember” and you couldn’t stop crying. How I hugged you because it hurt too much to watch you cry, how I would have done anything to make it better. How you calmed down eventually and stared at me. How this sudden, well maybe not sudden because I'm sure it had been there for a while tension between us, I hadn’t known what to call it then, how holding your hand all of a sudden made me nervous, how our hugs started to feel a bit warmer, how my heart started beating faster at your smile, like I hadn’t been looking at it all my life.

Well you said “ life is too short to not love with everything you are” I hummed in agreement, but my eyes were on you, I couldn’t had moved them if I tried. My heart was doing that funny thing again, speeding up again. My body reacting in a way I was starting to realize only happens with you “ too short to have regrets” I said in a much quieter voice. We were still cut up in our hug, your big beautiful eyes held mine, your teeth biting at your lip, a nervous tick of yours I'd figured out years ago. I kissed you? or you kissed me? I can’t really remember who leaned in first. My heart was beating too loudly in my ears, it felt like I couldn't’ breathe, like I was drowning, but nothing in the world had ever felt better.

I was 16 when I loved you, but thinking back, I had loved you all my life. Every moment before then was amazing, but after? it’s still the only thing I can define as magical. We had kept it a secret, it had felt like our own little thing, something we had to protect. I wondered if nobody noticed anything different between us, how could they not see the stars in my eyes when I looked at you? or that I was the happiest man alive when I laughed with you? but then I realized, we’ve always been this way, it’s always been you and I. Till it wasn’t. And Aria, for as much as we raced towards a life of no regrets, as much as it pushed us towards each other, made us fall into each other, it also broke us apart. Now I'd live with this regret forever, that somewhere along the line, I forgot how to hold onto your hand.

It started after graduation, you decided to go to college here, to be closer to your family so you could help out your mom with her business and look after your dad. You had always been like that, selfless. It was one of the things I loved about you. But I had always wanted to get out of our small town, I knew there was just so much out there to see, to do, so much I could become. The need for adventure filled up every part of my system like the blood in my veins. We both knew what it could mean for us, but it was us? we would never break, I believed that with every fiber of my being. Holding your hand and looking into your eyes like I'd done a thousand times before, I was so sure I could never love anyone else like this. I was right about that, but not about everything else.

You supported me, pushed me to achieve my dreams. You did it as fiercely as you did everything else in life, as fiercely as you loved me. And if it was possible to fall even more in love with a person than I was with you then, then I would have. Because you were my heart, my life, the very best of me, and we were going to be okay, or at least I thought so. It was fine for a while, we spoke everyday, made time in between classes. I told you everything and you did same. I would Complain about my internship kicking my ass and you would silently listen, offering words of encouragement. I'd do same when you needed to rant about college and your dads workers. It was fine, it was beautiful, till it wasn’t.

I think life got the best of us, adulthood and growing up in all it is. The time difference made it hard to communicate. I would be knee deep in projects and work. And when I could finally breathe, you’d be knee deep in your own life. I think it was after our first big fight, when we went without talking to each other for over a week, that I realized it had being like this for a while. We weren’t there for each other, not like we used too, things were getting in the way. You asked me to come home, I couldn’t. Chasing my dreams left no room for anything else. I forgot somewhere along the line that you were the rule, not the exception. I had a life outside of you and I forgot to reconcile the two, but you never complained, always waited, smiled at me the same, loved me the same. Maybe that’s how I didn’t notice I was loosing you till I lost you.

We had gone weeks without talking to each other, each buried in our own stuff. You had tried to make it work. Our video calls got so rare, but whenever I saw your face, I knew I'd love you forever. I'd just forgotten how to do it properly. But I thought when this is all over, we’ll be fine. I’d propose to you, we’d move in together and start our lives, everything would be fine then. I was working so hard to be the man I thought you needed. But Aria I made those plans without you didn’t I? I was so focused on the future I forgot to hold on to the present. I never asked what you wanted, I forgot to be what you needed. It became more about my dreams and not yours and I'm not sure I'd ever be able to make it up to you.

I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was when we ended, but I was. I was lost, I couldn’t breathe. There were tears in your eyes, you apologized over and over again and it broke my heart to see you come undone like that. But we were both so tired weren’t we? We weren’t teenagers with the world at our feet anymore, we were two adults who had forgotten how to love each other, or more accurately, I had forgotten how to love you. I’m not sure what I lived for after then, or why I had been running so hard. Going back home became even more impossible, it felt like my world had ended. Asides loving you, the only thing I knew how to do was run. Run after everything I wanted from life, everything I wanted for us.us, that didn’t exist anymore. So I ran, ran because that’s all I know how to do. But my heart? I had tried filling it over the years, but there was always and will probably always will be an Aria shaped hole in it.

My parents want me to attend the wedding, watch you promise forever to another man. A forever I thought was meant for us. If they knew how much it would kill me inside, would they still ask that of me? would you even want me there? would I be another bad memory? or would you look at me and smile, would it be as bright as it used to be? We haven’t spoken since that day, how though? how did I go from knowing every bit of your soul to knowing nothing at all? how did I go from planning forever with you to watching you promise it to someone else? And if I survive it, what will I do about the you shaped hole in my heart?

A/N: Hi guys! so this is a short story, it’s in two parts( well that’s the plan for now lol) so please look forward to the second one if you enjoyed this. Likes and comments are deeply appreciated.