The Suicide Note

Torn apart

Between selves.

Sometimes inner demons win,

Sometimes angels.

Who has known

That every war pays a price,

A loss or a lacuna for a lifetime.

I never imagined in my life coming across such a disaster. I never loved him like the way he loves me. Neither I can stay far from him nor I can ever face him. Therefore, I’m doing what I feel right at this moment. I can’t think of any way out. I wish he recovers soon...

Every time I read this suicide -note Mehr’s mysterious death haunts me. I feel I get into another world. I see her in my visions but as I wake up reality slaps me hard. She was all I had. We were orphans and have been brought up under a Christian missionary. More than a sister I found a best friend in her. She was five years younger than me. I have seen her dancing, singing and merry-making wherever she went. She was crazy yet there was something that gave me comfort and joy. She never treated me as her elder sibling. She never bothered about it. And I used to get annoyed at this.

I can still remember her dreamy green eyes, long and straight light brown hair, dark pink lips...

I had a doll. I know boys never play with dolls. But I fell in love with my doll when I was five. I found this doll on the seat of a bus on which I was travelling with my aunt. And one fine evening my mom gave birth to this real doll who happens to be my sister. What I loved in Mehr was her smile. Her arrival brought me joy with pain at the same time. I lost my mother at Mehr’s birth. The responsibility then befell me. My father left (where I don’t know) when my mother was carrying Mehr.

Thoughts of Mehr draw me to the notion of an ideal girl. I know that I am her brother yet I never could understand my strong liking for her. I am truly devoted to her and passionate about her. Her bonding with me is very different from other brothers and sisters. The missionary never made me feel towards her the relationship of two siblings. Whenever I try to befriend any girl I always tend to compare or somehow relate her to Mehr. At a certain point, I get frustrated and disappointed and get away with that girl. This way I had tried many girls in my life to be intimate with but somehow I back off.

I still remember when one evening Mehr came to my room to change and I was in the washroom. I opened the door and saw her in her virgin nakedness. This moved me to the point of ecstasy and then I began to think about her erotically. Her brief nudity awakened my sensuality and here arose the monster in me.

After completing my studies I shifted with Mehr to Kolkata and got a good job at a corporate company. Everything has been going good till I suspected Mehr to be in love with someone. Even the thought of it now makes me feel very jealous. I don’t consider myself a possessive brother, but somewhere inside me, there is a hidden typical man who wished Mehr to be only his.

I noticed her phone kept buzzing and she keeps texting someone. But I am yet unsure who else had now occupied her life apart from me.

Mehr’s phone rang in her brother’s absence. Tring...Tring...Tring...

“Hello?”

“Hi”

“Who’s this?”

“Who do you want?”

“Hi...I am Ved.”

“Whatever...what do you want?”

“Love from you. Because love is a very precious feeling and its stock is limited!!”

Mehr laughs at it. “Do you find me a love seller?”

“No, but a love giver.”

“Stop it Mr...?”

“Ved...I am Ved Miss...?

“Shut up and keep the phone! I don’t talk to strangers. By the way, how did you get my number? I shall tell my brother. Just stay away, ok?”

“Ok Miss, no wrong intentions.” The line disconnects.

Days pass by and I had to leave for Bangalore for an official purpose. It was about a week. Mehr was alone in Kolkata or with someone? I don’t know. I even dreamt of her being busy with someone else. Who was he? Was he young or old? Rich or poor? Was he cheating on her? Did she love him? With innumerable interrogations on my mind, I just couldn’t focus on anything during my stay in Bangalore.

During those days Mehr received a text from Ved saying, “Hi, how are you? Can we talk?” To this, she replied “What the f***? Why? Just f*** off!!!!”

“I am trying...but can’t.”

The phone rang again. Mehr picked up. She recognised the unknown number. She fired over the phone without a hello. “Why are you disturbing me you bloody asshole?” She sounded to be annoyed at Ved’s phone call. Yet he was pretty patient with her. “Mehr, I met you at the pub. You didn’t notice me, but I was only looking at you...dancing so freely and gaily. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I took your number from a friend and just felt like calling you. I am sorry if I bothered you. But I can’t help my emotions letting out to you.”

Mehr was muddled at his words, yet she understood his feelings for her. She expressed her caged life due to her brother. She bequeathed that she wanted to be free and independent. But her brother was over possessive and she couldn’t breathe in. And this way the journey of love began between Ved and Mehr. They often talked and messaged over the phone. A few months passed by and then a year. Mehr was head over heels in love with Ved. One day they decided to meet. Though they never had any video chat yet they decided to meet at a mask party. They wanted to test if they recognized each other or not.

The romantic evening unfolded as their love bloomed to their affair’s maturity. The entire community hall filled up with the song of Ellie Goulding’s Love me as you do....ta...ta...touch me like you do...from the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey”. All were in masks. Mehr wore a white flowing gown with an English hat and silk gloves. The hat had a mask of a net with the embroidery of flowers on it. With white high heels and open hair with head-turner curls, Mehr was looking more like a Victorian princess than an Indian girl. On the other hand, Ved was in black. He looked more like the Knight of the Medieval romances. A black hat, the mask of a superhero like Krrish, a dark brown cloak with a white frilled silk shirt underneath black pants and brown leather boots. Mehr suspected him to be Ved and hence she was right. She woos him to a room aloof from the crowd where she allows his maleness to explore her. The beautiful green eyes were closed. They didn’t even bother to look at him. He was taking her to the drive of absolute pleasure and she surrendered her virginity to him. He kept on digging at her sensuality bestowing her every delight that he thought she deserved. They blended into each other just as colours in a perfect painting....a complete artful work.

Mehr woke up to find herself completely naked in bed with the one she loved truly, deeply, and madly. That was Ved. She came closer to him when I came to my senses and pushed her. Not being aware of the situation I went away from her. And one day a phone call informed me to identify a body. I rushed to find the sunshine of my life in white sheets, with bruises on her pale face, closed eyes, and stiff body. There were no traces of her exuberance and lively hues anywhere in her. All gone with her....away from me...away from Manav...No, this cannot be me. I could not understand the cause of her death. Why did she die? What has happened to her?

Police investigations confirm it as a suicide committed by her. I am arrested and then put in an asylum after a lot of trials. And now the psychiatrist hands me Mehr’s last letter...the suicide note. After a few sessions with the doctor, he tells me that Ved is none but I. It was shocking to learn that I can be the reason for Mehr’s death as I never wished that. One morning, the investigating officer, Mr Sengupta informs me that the phone calls and messages that came from Ved to Mehr had been identified from another number that I registered during my stay in Bangalore. Ved called up Mehr from my number. How dare he? I can’t let him interfere in Mehr’s and my world.

Mr Sengupta arrives. He informs me, “Mr Manav, Mehr was in love with Ved. But as she learnt that she slept with her own brother she must have felt miserably agonized. Mehr must have taken help from her friends or someone else but the lover and sister in her did not allow her to survive anymore. With this dilemma, she jumped into the deep currents of Hooghly leaving a suicide note behind. This is all we could investigate. I am sorry but you need clinical help, Mr Manav. Court has ordered that.”

I don’t know who is Ved yet I feel as if I know him. He is the person responsible for my lovely Mehr’s death. Dr Sakshi says he is within me....a secret lover of Mehr. Dr Sakshi informs my friend, Nitin that the trauma of losing my mother early and Mehr’s arrival, her growing up, her smiles, her eyes, and her touch conceived another person in me. Ved might be perhaps that person. She detects this through clinical sessions.

I come home – the apartment at Salt Lake, where I lived with Mehr...my Mehr. I bought it from Sengupta Da. Now I don’t feel like living here. Her memories cage me. I pick up the photo frame and look closely at it. I remember... I took her to Mandarmani. We had fun on the beach. She loved picking up conch shells. She used to say, “Manu, ami eikhanei thakbo. I love to be by the sea and sand. Not feeling like leaving this place.” We looked so happy together. She loved me and I love her. I put the frame in its place and open the top drawer of the showcase. I get the handwritten note that she wrote last. Her words clearly reflect how much she loved me. I don’t bother what people say about me. Yet I am happy that I have released Mehr from the shackles of her possessive brother. Now he can do nothing. She is free at her own will and if I am the reason then I love to be her Ved for the rest of my life...