The Misery Of Life

What do you know about yourself, do you know what is it you desire, do you know the sensation and feel of your love, don't you have any reasons left to live, are you a cold hearted person who has forgotten all of the feelings and even forgot to smile? How much time has it been since you smiled with your heart. Well if you haven't felt any of these things then you are not worthy of reading this. So please don't push yourself, it may cause you serious trouble.

1. The Birth

Poor family, jobless father and a beautiful mother are the things God blessed me with. I don't know why I was born, God never asked if I wanted to live as a human. He never listens to anyone. If I am suffering in this pathetic world It's all thanks to the creator. Born on 19 February 2004 with big round eyes and beautiful hairs and a blissful face which can make anyone's day. I don't know if my family expected such a child as myself to be first born. I always wish there should be a girl in my place who can support her father. I know he is suffering deep inside but I can't do anything about that. And same goes for my mother, I never treat her well, I always shout at her and blame her for all of my problems. My parents don't particularly deserve me.

They deserve a boy way better than me, who respects everyone and who can take care of his mother while she is suffering, not like myself who always keeps hurting her knowing how much they have done for myself. Well today is 10th of May and today is my father's birthday. I don't even have the courage to look at his eyes and tell him happy birthday dad. Every time I look at them fighting the whole world for myself, who don't even treat them well it is way hard for me. Blessed with a little brother and a responsibility to show him the right path in life. But how can I show him the right path while I am walking away from everyone in these cold streets. I don't know where I am going but the destination is not what I am seeking. I am seeking some help. I want to be saved from myself. I don't know why I changed in the last two years all of the sudden.

From a person with expectations, dreams and goals to a dead eye person who doesn't even have a reason to live. Did I expect too much from this life? Is it wrong to expect that someone will come and take me the way they are going. This is far better than walking alone in streets known as hell. Inner demons are cutting me from inside and keeping drinking every last drop of my blood, telling me that I have some time left. They are torturing me in every way possible and now I am afraid of sleeping. Whenever I am looking at the mirror I am asking myself, "Who the fuck are you now"? I don't know anything anymore. I am becoming a purposeless and ambitionless person. I want to sleep forever in my grave.

I am tired of this pathetic world. But Am I allowed to leave? No My mother has expectations from myself and these expectations are the things telling me to keep moving forward even if it means to walk in a storm. She has done more than enough for me and I just want to see her smile. I will become successful even if it doesn't mean for myself, even if it means for my parents. I am ready to give up my life. My father has done more than he should have and If getting a job can make them happy why couldn't I get it. After that I can die peacefully. At Least I am not going to have any regrets about myself. But until then I will have to walk this path full of thorns. It doesn't matter if my feet bleed. I have to walk right through it.

2. School life.

I don't remember much from my school life. It was always hard to go to such pathetic places. I was foolish, stupid but I was honest. I followed my friend far from my limits and when it came to follow me they always left me at some point. I was the wrong one to expect anything from anyone. If I had known that In the end I'm going to be all alone, I wouldn't have made anyone so close. But you get used to things when they happen more than usual. And I am used to being alone. I don't care if it is raining outside or a storm is coming. I am going to walk alone until I find some destination to reach. Who said friends are the best things creators have created? Friends who can't even tell why I am always smiling, this is not what I want.

What is the thing going on in your mind or Is something bothering you? Friends who left me alone in this dark place where nothing is visible. Friends are the worst and maybe you should give up on your companion and live the way you want. Don't let anyone decide for you. If you don't know what you want and expect others to know what you want, then you are walking down the wrong path. You should know about your needs and limits. If you can't figure yourself out then there is no one who can figure out your true self. I really don't need any friends, I like it all alone. But as we know there is always a star who is shining in the dark night sky. And I have a star too. A star with beautiful voice, huge and innocent eyes, long hair and she is just like a perfection within herself. Maybe it's been four years since I have known her and it's been about 3 years since I am walking behind the way she is walking.

We first met in our classroom when I was looking at all those hopeless humans with a hope in my eyes that I can be friends with them. She was nice to everyone. Trust me, don't ever close such people who are nice to everyone, because at some point you are going to think yourself as special to them but that's not the reality. They just want to make everyone smile. I know it is good to make people smil

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e but there are some things that cannot change. Well I was also a kid who always made others smile no matter how hard it would be, because that's the thing the people who are broken from inside do. So that they don't end up like me or other depressed humans. Mental breakdowns, tears, migraines are just normal things to me.

That's how much I have suffered. And we talked for about three years and I am still talking to her. She is the same as me but she is nice and that's what I don't like about her. If she was sitting alone in a corner blaming herself for all the problems, I could have sworn my life to her. I could have held her hand and told her to die together. But Love isn't the reason I am still beside her . She has problems and until she can hold herself and brace herself with a smile. I am not going anywhere. But where Am I going, I really don't know. I just want to disappear so no one ever remembers me that I ever existed. I don't like people who act nice because they just want you to smile and nothing more. What are they going to do if you have forgotten to smile? Well no one knows about that. So to put it simply I was a loner with many friends at school. All of them know me but they never know me. That's why I always hated school. 

3. Things that were never meant.

In this world there are things that are things that are meant only for you. The things that you are destined with. The things that only you can accomplish in life. Things that no one can take from you. And there are things that were never meant to be yours. No matter how hard you try they are not going to end in your hands. Like the first love that never meant to be with you for the rest of your life. But deep down you hope they would never leave you in the darkest time of your life. But as the time passes they will not be on your side. Even if they want to be with you but if the universe doesn't want you together then there is nothing you can do. But someone told me that In your entire life there would be a person who isn't going to leave your side and if they want to leave, the universe won't let them. But don't wait for your answer from the universe. Universe gives answers in its own terms.

But never at the wrong time. When the time comes you are going to have everything you need and if you don't then just try your best to have what you want. But after that if you don't get it then just remember the thing was never meant for you. And there are many things that are never meant for me. Just like love, friends, cheerful days. Well I discarded all my expectations, I don't even expect from myself. I like to go with the flow. I let God decide to give me what I desire the most. I don't particularly know what it is I desire. Leave these things to God. Just like the first rain of monsoon, like the cold air of the winter hits hard, like the fresh smell of soil, the feel of another's warm hand, the feel of waking up at night. They don't feel the same as when we were children. Life was far better when we were children. We can do whatever we want, we don't even know what was wrong or right, walking with the hands of your mother. And hiding somewhere when you know you have done something wrong and your mother is angry.

Well I never experienced those sensations, because when I was child all I remember was the crying face of my mother. Our family isn't something you can call a family. There was no love between themselves. They were just following the roles they were in. I can never forgive my father who beat my mother and my grandparents who have abused her for no reason. Well It's not as if my father is a bad person. He got a lot of problems and he just doesn't know with whom he can share his sorrow. The weight of a family he is carrying from a very little age. The responsibility of being idol to both of his sons. But there were many more magical and cheerful moments and I really enjoyed those.

4. Should I fade away?

After all the things I have seen, someone else in my shoes should have quit life. I do not have many reasons to live. I want to see my parents smile even If it takes my life, I don't care about it. They have done more than enough and it's my turn to support them. Not today, not tomorrow but one day I'm sure of it. Leaving all the things here and dying isn't an option for now. As I don't have a reason to live, I also don't have a reason to leave this pathetic world. If I have to die with regrets I will. If I have to live with regrets, I will. It's all about the reasons. I am not sure if death is the desire I am seeking. But if I'm not sure why should I die. And also I still have the nice girl by my side and I have to make her life a little better if I can. Let her be nice to everyone.

I don't care about everyone, all I care about is her. If someone ever made her cry I am going to kill him. Until she can hold all of her problems, until I don't have a quite big reason to die, until I don't make sure that my being alive isn't worth, Until I make sure my mom has forgotten about me, until then I am not going to fade away. I am going to run away to a far place where I can think for myself and do things I want to do before I die. A place where everything is quiet and there is dark silence in every second of the blissful day. A place where no hands can reach me. A place where I can drown in my sorrow. Living is worth it but is it true? I have many more questions and I am seeking many answers that are beyond my reach right now. But the time will be coming when I will have all the answers. Until then there is no reason to fade away...