The Dew

The water is still, the color is blue…

Going uphill I love the mountain dew.

I breathe a sigh, I have no clue,

There are a people… only a few…

Some are old and some are new.

While it is only easy that life goes on, is it necessary? I don’t think so. There are times I wonder is this life even… It sure doesn’t feel like it. There is no zeal or pulse or the missing of a skipped beat. 

I hardly marvel at anything and it’s been days I’ve really smiled. It's as if the very life that everyone claims to live has been sapped out of me and I am making a drowning effort to find myself back. There are times I feel it is the right thing to do because maybe what has gone by was meant to and maybe this ‘changed me’ is the one that’s meant to stay. But who says this is the way? Honestly, I cannot relate to it at all… I miss the old me. The crazy me. The notorious me. The smiling me… And this missing makes me feel may be where I am… wherever I am… it’s not where I should be. In fact, … I should never have been here. Here… meaning… this stage in life… But now I am and I need to make my way through…

The journey has been a tumultuous one. One that was full of resistance… because more than once I have ignored my inner voice. Not anymore. If it’s my life and I want to make it count. It’s a different thing to be accommodative of people and love them, but it is completely different to make them crazy about me. And I am not saying this in a ‘demeaning’ sort of ‘judgmental’ way… but more like a ‘reflective’ sort of ‘realizing my own capacity’ kind of way…

Yes… I find it very difficult to see people in pain and even without me knowing about it I am already twenty steps into their shoes living their life in an attempt to solve their problems and making their life better. I am like that… And, it's nothing to boast about… It comes with a huge list of problems… It always has… But I did not realize it until recently when this attitude of mine was really misunderstood and I was undermined for it.

Leaving the details of all of it aside, I feel the point to remember is that it is okay to help others but while doing that it is very important to first take care of yourself. Whether I’ll be able to implement this change in behavior or not is uncertain but a part of me is telling me that I need to. 

That may be not everyone deserves my niceness… 

That I need to protect myself … even from myself…