HeartBreak To Healing...

The Heartbreak

"Restless and idle… My mind became friends with evil…

My heart did make its protest… But it was rudely snubbed… 

Towards the devil I ran... Because I became his fan...

To him, my soul was sold... I was brought into his fold…

But life was just glitter... no gold...

Regretful and miserable… I wept... and… I left...

I made my way back home... Being guilty of sin...

Remorseful… and… penitent… I wanted to atone...

When I returned... Cold and bitter... In search of some comfort...

I found no home...But a place as empty and as large as alone!"

DB was absent-mindedly flipping the pages of her journal and paused on the date where she had recorded the above entry a few weeks back. She had been melancholy and miserable. The place, her home to which DB returned on that chilly day, a month earlier was a large house as empty and lonely as her life was and as cold as that icy morning when she realized that she had lost everything that she held dear. Those she had loved were long gone, leaving her with happy memories that made her all the sadder. 

Never had she felt so utterly lonely and abandoned. So many times, had she admonished and berated herself. Blaming her character, her behaviour, her attitude; her whole self for her losses, her sorrows, her misfortunes; in general, for everything that has gone wrong in her life. Who else could she blame…? She had been given her fair share of red flags and open warnings, it was she who chose to keep her eyes shut and her ears plugged. She came to her senses… Alas! Little too late…

The Goodness

She remained grief-stricken, dejected and wretched for a couple more months, wallowing in self-pity and regretting the time lost. But, at length… she pulled herself up…

"What is lost is lost, for good, it would not do to yearn for something that I cannot get back." She told herself. "I made a mistake, I have realized my mistake, I have to set the records straight now!" She resolved that she would start with making amends to those she had hurt wittingly or unwittingly. 

She was as good as her word. She met each one separately, apologised profusely and endeavoured to compensate for the grief she had caused. These deeds of atonement did give her some consolation but not contentment. 

"I have tried to repay for my misdeeds because it was my duty and responsibility to do so. However, it was more out of a feeling of guilt that I have repented, I need to do something that comes from the bottom of my heart."

Much as she wished to do an act that would give her not only satisfaction but also some happiness, she could not put her mind to anything that would give her delight and a sense of well being. Days went by, she disassociated herself with her old tainted life and moved on. Money was not and has never been an issue. In reality, it was one of the causes of her slipping into a life of depravity and debauchery. 

She was grateful though that providence had blessed her with another opportunity to make a better life and she was determined that she would not let this chance slip away. She had always been interested in language and literature, even when she was leading her illicit lifestyle, so after deliberating for quite some time she decided to set up a library to provide avid readers, students as well as researchers, low-cost and easy access to books and reading materials.

She also intended to establish a publishing house to offer budding writers a hassle-free opening to explore and nurture their talent. Some lines she had read on writing, long back had stayed in and made a home in her mind; she recalled them now...

"Give it a room in your heart... Just begin with this start...Then let it find... A way to reach your mind…

Slowly and gradually, it will end up in your veins...

It will concentrate on its goal... Surely and steadily to blend in your soul...

Believe you, me...

Writing is the best healer you can gain... Write when its sunshine and write in rain... Just remember it is a boon, not bane…

Give in to your heart and not to your brain... Write now and write then...

Keep it up...

It will not be in vain, even if you have to sit there and rewrite again and again!"

She herself, chose to write something daily but only for feeling good, not commercially.

"For the most part of my life, I have been running after materialistic things that I thought I needed, that I felt would make me happy. Look, where it has got me!" She confided to a close friend, one she made, during her times of distress… 

One of the very few who stood by her and still remained in her life after whatever had happened. "I have understood now that these mundane possessions will not give me joy. The bliss would come, if my heart is cheerful, notwithstanding the worldly possessions." She shared.

Her house was quite a stately one, a mansion would be more like it. She decided that her dwelling is too big for a single person and a couple of house helps therefore she would convert the front segment and lower floors of the residence into her office headquarters and keep the upper floor and rear section as her living quarters and personal workspace. 

She elected to further divide the front region of the house into two parts and chose the forward-facing area to be renovated and used as a publishing house and the adjacent sideways zone as a library. As the building had three gates, one in the forefront, one on the side and one in the back so the entries and exits to the two portions would be separate. 

The fact that the house was huge and there were multiple entrances made it easier for her to opt for making alterations to her home itself rather than purchasing a new place for work purpose.

The ventures, she launched, were a success from the start and were soon flourishing. She named the publishing house 'Couplets & Compositions' and the library 'Treasure Trove'. In addition to known and established authors, she would not only publish books, written by beginners and little-known writers but also brought them in limelight by giving them costless publicity and by highlighting them in the library.

 She was ecstatic but not quite... there was still a nagging feeling in her mind that what she is doing, is still not enough. "I need to do more, some more, a little more!" She chided herself.

A few more months passed by. She was in Treasure Trove, one evening, arranging and rearranging books on shelves by catalogues. Librarians were there for this task, but she preferred to do this chore herself, she loved the feel of books on her hands. Moreover, she felt as if she belonged there.

While going through a book, a chit slid from it and fell on the floor. It was an address. She was perplexed, it was not that the book was old or second hand or been on the shelf for long, it was brand new, released recently and acquired some weeks back. She checked with the librarians, who had no idea, she told them to call a few chosen patrons who too denied placing the chit there. She wondered, who else could have put in the book. "Possibly one of the staff or interns in Couplets...placed the slip inside inadvertently and forgot about it. Let me ask them." She decided to inquire to them the next day.

When she reached her cabin, she called the staff members and interns and asked them about the piece of paper. One of the interns, a boy in his twenties, named PJ told her that he had placed the slip in the book by mistake and the address belonged to an old age home where he sometimes volunteered.

She was surprised to hear that such a young boy, in an age where other youths were more concerned about career, romance, fun and clubbing et al was giving his time to senior citizens who in their twilight years were given up by the society. Brushing his apologies aside gently, she told him to take her with him to the home, when he would next pay a visit there. Agreeing gladly and thanking her, PJ left.

The conversation with PJ got her thinking, when this boy who according to standards of society was yet to make a mark, he had already done so much in her eyes though, she with her resources could do much more for those abandoned and in need. A week later PJ came to see her, the hierarchy was there for work convenience but anyone was free to meet for personal matters.

"Good morning ma'am, Actually, umm...I wanted to tell you that I would be visiting the home two days from today, on coming Saturday and as you told me to, I have come to ask umm…would you umm...like to accompany me there?" PJ asked hesitantly.

She agreed readily. "Why not PJ! At what time do you plan to go?"

"I usually go on Saturday mornings so that I can spend a full day with them."

"Ok, we leave at 10 sharp or do you want to leave earlier?"

"No...no…. ma'am…the time is fine. So where should I pick you up from? Home... eh…office?"

She laughed "I will be the one doing the picking up thing. Tell me from where."

"Oh! Ok...You will find me at the front steps of Couplets...on the dot!" PJ replied smilingly.

The conversation finished; both went back to their respective tasks. In the evening, she went on a shopping spree, she filled her car with goodies, quilts and blankets, necessary groceries and toiletries.

On Saturday, precisely at 10, she picked PJ from Couplets...and off they went. PJ told her, on the way that he felt a special affinity to the old dears since his childhood and presently, he could do no more than spend time with them and assist them in their chores, he hoped to aid them in many more ways once he got settled. She kept listening, enjoying his talks, silently encouraging him to share his plans and prospects.

The Hope

When they reached the place, it was named 'Sandhya Bela Home for Aged and Infirm', they went to meet the administrator, a kindly lady in her 40s, Mrs Z, who was also the owner of 'Sandhya Bela'. She was glad to meet her and take them on a round of the home and to meet the residents. Contrary to her presumptions, they were well looked after and even seemed cheerful. They were glad to see her, shared their life stories with her and not all were sorry tales.

Later, over a cup of coffee and cookies, she had a candid conversation with Mrs Z telling her that she would like to contribute in some form towards the upkeep of the residents and that if Mrs Z needed anything she just had to say. Mrs Z told her that she had everything required however she would be glad of any additional help.

Mrs Z further told her that she is planning to open a home for abandoned children also. She proposed to rent an existing building and renovate it, converting the same into a home for children. She asked DB if she would like to associate in some way. DB didn't hesitate for a second. She was already feeling that this was her calling, the one she was searching for since that cold morning. She told Mrs Z that she would like to become a partner in the children's home project and they would not be renting any building but would either buy an existing one and renovate it or much better, buy land and construct a home on it, if it is all right with Mrs Z. She further gave Mrs Z a sketch of what was in her mind regarding the home. If Mrs Z agrees, they could take it forward and have a detailed talk later.

Mrs Z informed her that she would be very pleased and grateful to have DB on the board for the project. However, she asked for some time to come to terms with the change of plans and to discuss with others involved.

"Let me talk to the board members and get their assent, which would not be an issue because as I said earlier, we would appreciate any and every help that is forthcoming," She informed DB.

"Would you like to assist me in overseeing this project PJ?" She asked him during their return.

"ME!! ASSIST YOU!!"

PJ was staring at her wide-eyed, mouth agape.

She chuckled "Why are you so stunned. I didn't say anything out of the ordinary. Did I say something unusual or peculiar?"

"No... no... no... nothing like that...it's just...eh...it's just...eh...its..." PJ stammered and then stopped ill at ease.

She smiled at him "I did not mean to make this awkward for you". She continued, "I just offered you an assignment. In fact, I was thinking of asking you to join us full-time, if you wish to. Then this thing came up and I reasoned that I would need a helping hand in this undertaking. Since you have shown altruistic convictions and are already neck-deep into social causes, why not ask you," She explained.

PJ finally found words "I did understand that ma'am, it's just that I am a novice, an amateur and I am still studying. Especially in the matters of a project of this kind, I have no experience at all. Regarding social service, it's what I like to do because it makes me happy, never thought of it as a career."

"Don't worry, I am not asking you to make a transition. You complete your studies and take up as a career what you have planned. You only have to lend me a hand in this project because frankly speaking I also lack experience in running these types of projects. And we will not be alone, I will obviously hire experts to aid us. But I would like you to manage this show. If you like doing it, we can take this further," She explained.

"You are right ma'am; I was simply scared that I might not be the right choice. However, if you have faith in me then I assure you I will not let you down. When do we start?" PJ finished off happily.

The Healing

After dropping PJ home, she went to Treasure Trove and taking out books and materials relevant to the subjects started researching on retirement and children's homes in and across the country. She also surfed the internet for relevant information. Days passed in quick succession after that day. Mrs Z called up after a fortnight and told her that everything went smoothly with the directors, they have given a go-ahead and she, as their representative, has been authorized to take it forward from there. DB told her that she would get back to her in a week or so.

Next day, DB called up her lawyers and informed them on her decision to collaborate on the children's home project. She also arranged a meeting with some professionals who were proficient and conversant with the know-how and technicalities of handling such projects. She invited Mrs Z to her office to take her suggestions on drawing draft agreement and other relevant paperwork. 

Some weeks later when the contract was signed and the remaining formalities were complete, she called PJ in her cabin and offered him full employment in Couplets…

She told him that he is not under any restrictions nor would he have to sign any bond. He can take up the offer of working full time in Couplets…if he wishes to work there, after completing his studies in a few months. Meanwhile, he can assist her on the project till the home gets up and working and later on in its management and administration if he is willing.

PJ told her he will definitely consider her full-time offer seriously, later on, presently; however, he is all for working with her in the children's home project. Thus decided, they set about their work in earnest. 

They went with Mrs Z to see the land on which the home was to be constructed, met the architects and interior designers who specialized in doing interiors of playschools and playhouses, approved and finalized the blueprints, oversaw the construction work, looked around for fittings, furniture and furnishings. They also visited other children's institutions and daycare facilities to know more about children, their needs and requirements; so on and so forth...

DB felt a transformation coming over her, she was in high spirits every day, she hadn't been like that since a long, long time. She undeniably felt both blissful and blessed with her current enterprises, however, this was something different…some more…fulfilling could be the word!

Two years later the building was complete, infrastructurally and technically solid and sound. The building was a three-storied long and sprawling house with huge green lawn surrounded by exotic flowers and tall trees in front and playground as a backyard, it looked more like a resort than a residential home for poor and orphan children. 

She had envisioned it that way. She wanted the children to look at it and feel it as their real home where they would be adored and cherished…not as some institution where they would be forced to spend their lives, with only basic needs taken care of; unloved, ignored and neglected.

A few weeks ago, she had met with the head of an orphanage, who told her that due to financial constraints they would have to close the orphanage and they were running hither and thither to make arrangements for a safe and permanent shelter home for the children. 

"Would you be able to help, Ms DB, in any way?" He had requested.

"Certainly! They will stay in their own home in a few weeks from now!" She had promised.

On her return, she asked PJ to post vacancies in newspapers and on the internet for the hiring of personnel to be employed in the home, mentioning required educational and other relevant qualifications. She personally interviewed the prospective employees, taking care to ask such questions and put them to test in such a way that would reflect on their personal qualities, manners, behaviour and comportment.

 She was prepared to forego deficiency in education and absence of experience if the person demonstrated like good character, kindness, compassion, playfulness, forgiving attitude, and such qualities as were necessary to make children feel comfortable and secure.

DB kept her words. The day on which she had planned to inaugurate the home was also the day she kept for a small fete for the children that she organised on the premises with the active cooperation and enthusiastic participation of PJ of course and teams from Couplets…and Treasure…

On the D-Day, she brought the children with her, arranged for them to enjoy the fete; to play on swings, participate in games, relish treats and delicacies, sing and dance to music. She had also invited the seniors from Sandhya Bela who had come along with Mrs Z and her family. She giggled in mirth when she saw her colleagues themselves having a time of their life with kids and even cajoling their elderly friends to join in the fun.

Just seeing their joyous faces, hearing their tingling laughs and feeling their elation herself did something to her…she was bursting with joie de vivre!

 The sense of accomplishment and achievement that was missing in her previous successes, engulfed her like a cocoon, bestowing her with warmth and contentment she had never experienced before…

With the sense of attainment and satisfaction came the enlightenment that in helping the adults and the children, she had helped herself also…

Through bringing about positive changes in their lives, she had brought positivity to her life as well… 

She wanted to liberate those trapped in misery, little realizing that she herself was so much in need of the rescue she was offering others…and in assisting them to escape their trap, she herself had broken free from her cage of desolation…

That night she wrote some lines in her diary that became her magic spells to chant if the going got too tough in her life;

"Entirely alone and terribly distraught I was… Sympathy and solace was what I sought…Completely lost in the dark… I was desperately searching for the right path…

A mate named Good was passing from there… Who saw unfortunate me standing unaware… Who came to me that day… Lovingly held my hand! And smilingly showed me the way…

I looked around as if mute…Happy Hope was sparkling on the route…Waving at me…Full of succour and support…

Diving deep into depth…It found my broken heart…Filling it fully with pleasure as a start…

It touched my hurt soul…Healing it was the goal…Softly sealing it with pride…I was gifted something dignified…

I have promised my friends…I will cherish their love…Till the day...life comes to the end…"