On Your First Anniversary In Heaven...

Maro pahlo pahlo pyar meri mayi, jiinii, zindagi jisane sikhaai

It’s been 365 days since you passed away, mumma. Some days it feels like a lifetime has gone by and other times it feels like just yesterday. I’m not always great about talking about my own feelings, but this milestone feels monumental. I felt the need to process and share, so I wrote a little letter. Here’s to you Mumma, on your first anniversary in Heaven. I love you to the moon and back.

Dear Mumma,

Today marks a year since you’ve been gone. I really can’t wrap my head around how long it’s been without you. Not one single day has passed that I haven’t thought of you. People say that it gets easier with time, and I would agree that the ache becomes less intense, although it hurts differently during different stages of life and seriously I wasn't prepared for that. 

I miss your voice.

I miss your gentle hands.

I miss your smile the most.

I miss those long conversations we used to have every day.

I miss being your youngest daughter.

I miss how you were the glue to our Dhaliwal family.

I miss your hugs and your scolding. 

I miss seeing you during weekends.

I miss all our tours to Sri Dashmesh Darbar Sahibji and shopping at Gandhi Market and many more.

Writing this letter is hard as I would like to hug you and tell you how awful I feel that I didn’t make it to say the last Goodbye. It was so hard to be there with you when you breathed out for the last time on my lap when we literally reached the gate of the hospital.

The ache of losing you is immeasurable. You will never know how many lives have been incomplete since you’ve left. I can only hope to leave such a mark on this world when it’s my time to go and I pray that you were aware of your importance when you were here. There is something about losing a mother that changes the blueprint of your soul. There is a permanent hole in my heart.

I couldn’t forgive myself that I was too late. And I still wanted to tell you so much. I wanted to tell you again how much I love you and how honoured I was to have you as my mumma. The best mumma I could ever wish to have. The best mumma Waheguru ji could give me. But just as He gave me you, He took you away from me. I couldn’t understand it. I did ask so many times why you? Why is it me who is losing my mumma? Why can’t I have you for a bit longer? And I wanted to scream so many times how much I miss you. You always used to say that things happen for a reason. Despite all that you went through. I couldn’t understand. How could you still even think so after what you have been going through”?

Some days I smile at your memory. Some days when I passed by Cooper Hospital, I couldn’t feel my heartbeat, it reminded me how cruelly I left you in the morgue. Some days I have a good cry which I’m sure you’re aware of. Some days I feel your presence and sense that you’re not gone, just in another room - but not a day passes that I don’t miss you.

I still miss our calls so much. It felt so empty after you passed away. Suddenly I didn’t have anyone who I could call. How would I spend my weekends? It was a part of my daily and weekly routine that wasn’t there any longer. So writing a letter to my mum in heaven, especially on her first anniversary in heaven.

There are a million poems I could quote to let you know how much you are missed but I know you always liked it when I wrote my own stories so I’ll tell you a few things since you’ve been gone. I made you proud by winning Author of the Week and one of the Winner of the Women's Day through Storymirror. I’m grateful for your support and encouragement to write. I wish you were here today and I long to see the pride in your eyes…

Your dhota , Khushal cleared his Grade 10 with flying colours. We talk about you often and say thank you for everything things. 

I would tell you that your two boys aren’t ok. They are the kind of broken that you would expect but that’s because you are irreplaceable and you were their world. We four sisters are trying to support and help them to cope but no one can replace a mother. Their roof is missing.

We would tell you there has been a tremendous loss in our family, but you know this and I imagine you greeted them with open arms each time. Hopefully smiling down, guiding and guarding us still here on Earth. Please give Papaji all my love and a sweet hug. 

I’ve been told I’m like you by Babajit and many more, and I take that as the best compliment of all time. I’d tell you a million more things but I’d trade it all for one more hug. 

Sitting here today and writing this letter to you, my dear mumma in heaven, I still don’t know why you left so early. But we don’t always get answers to all our questions. And that’s life. However, so much now makes sense. It’s like putting these little pieces together to complete a puzzle. As a single working mum who spent her last day of life with her children and grandchildren.

Writing this letter brought some sorrow to my heart, there is also a smile on my face when I think of you, Mumma, of all the memories of you, of us, I treasure. It still hurts not to have you here, but now the tears of sadness are lowered by those of appreciation and gratitude. My love for you keeps me going and living my life in your memory. And I’ll always carry you in my heart…until we meet again”.

Love you innaa sara Mumma.