oblivion

Enjoying a cup of tea, while sitting on my balcony, that Sunday morning, on the spur of the moment, I felt a deep pain in my chest. The throb grew more and more painful, as it spread to my stomach and arms. It felt like the last moment of my life. I was craving to call somebody, my daughter, my husband. But in the pain, no matter how hard I tried, no voice came out. The edges of my vision started blackening, my face frozen in a glassy stare of horror, I was unable to move. I tried taking deeper breaths, but every breath, shorter and less satisfactory than the last. 

I was choking on the large gulp of tea I had taken right before. They say, your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die. But something even bizarre happened. I saw my mother. The same mother, whose funeral I refused to attend two years. At this point, she looked almost real. As if, if I touched her, she'd be real again. Her hair was worn in a loose braid, strands of her auburn hair intentionally tucked out. She was wearing a Xanadu turtleneck, a mockingjay pendant around her neck, and black sweatpants. It was the same outfit she'd worn to our last garden party. If only I could move. She briskly walked up to me, humming a tune. At the time of my death? I knew she wasn't real, and that hurt more than the physical pain my body was under. I knew she was a hallucination. I knew. 

My entire body was throbbing and pulsating. She embraced me with open arms. "It's time to go, Ophelia… let go, let go", she spoke in breathy whispers. But now wasn't the time. How could it be? I couldn't go now, not without a goodbye. I was a naive child, I always dreamt of perfection. I wanted to have my last moments, to be surrounded by my loved ones, i would tell them I loved them, or at least leave them a letter. This isn't how I imagined it to be! The last thing I told my daughter before she left for school was probably something about her forgetting her lunch. No, I love you's. Just an irritated grunt. Oh, I could've done so much better…

My husband was at the office. The last words were on a phone call, where I reminded him to eat the strawberries I packed for him. Everything was screaming for one more glance, one more word, one more chance. As I partially leaned back into reality, my mother stood there, beside me, blank-faced, devoid of all emotions. And I was back at the throbbing sensation. I had to go. I let out a weak smile, my eyes welling up, numb to the darkness and pain. 

They found me slouched over on the balcony chair. The tea was spilled all over the glass table. Hazel and Arthur still in their uniforms, stood gaping at the sight of my body. Their faces frozen from shock, a single tear rolled down Hazel's cheek. Ah! And I feared oblivion!