My Magician Mother

   "You also don't understand me like others". That day I lost all my patience and yelled in front of my mother. She was stunned. She never expected me to break down in this way that I was not able to stop either my tears or my screams.

   Past two years had been a bit more challenging for me to cope with mentally and emotionally. It was clearly reflected on my academic performance which had set to dull from bright. Also my behaviour had been a bit weird than usual for a long time. I used to realise all my regress timely, but slowly slowly everything was moving out of hand and I had lost the control to set myself anyhow in a direction towards destination. There was an increasing tension day by day between my mother and me due to my disgusting behaviour . She used to say, "What's gone is gone! Why don't you focus on what is still under your control. It's okay that you fail to start it well but why don't you end it well?" She was definitely right at her place. I had so many failed tries to implement it. But it was out of her imagination that how the wave of ups and downs has leaded me towards the storm in this life named ocean. However I never had a courage to talk about this to my mother. Infact I didn't have the words to explain my situation to her. Also I was worried for her if she would take stress of mine. That thought avoided me always to talk to her. But all this had definitely put a stress in our bonding. I used to miss those days too much when I had been talking to her so freely. I was like a freely flying bird out of each and every cage in the wide skies of her arms while talking to her. I used to miss it. I was just tired of people around me at heart! 

  On one fine day, after an usually unwanted dinner I was lying on the floor of my studyroom and crying for any unknown reason as usual. That day I was tired emotionally very very much. My mother knocked the door for she had some work . I immediately stood up , wiped my tears and opened the door as usual. She entered the room and was looking for some stuff. Those were my exam days. She asked me, "Are you done with your studies?" I had nothing to say but a big NO almost as usual..I replied "no" in apparently careless voice. She was tired of asking me neatly and scolding daily, maybe that's why this time she just gave me an angry look and started to talk with me about some random thing. I was already stumbling. She asked me if I am all right. Without a single word my face was saying everything that "I am nott okay, not at all." She stood by me looking at me and out of nowhere I started to cry loudly. My mother was confused. She asked out of careful fear, "What happened my child? What's wrong with you?" And in my mind, i was like "why didn't you ask this earlier?" I asked her while sobbing, "Close the door immediately and sit with me" as I didn't want to listen my father and brother sleeping in another room that I am crying. She understood and did accordingly and then came to me . She sat in front of me, took my hands in her hands and asked , "What happened?" I clearly remember the line of tension on her forehead while she asked this. I had nothing to say. I just put my head on her lap and crying out more loudly and she was patting my head thinking what's haunting her daughter.. Few time passed but I didn't stop crying . My mother was still patting my head which had a language of unsaid words and I could feel that every pat saying , "I am with you.. don't worry". That's the magic when you surrender yourself to the arms of your mother! After a time I took up my head and sat before her with bent back and down eyes while sobbing. She was silent not saying a word and giving me a space to let flow that what's inside; but her eyes were in search of the answers to her questions. I could understand that.

   While sobbing only, I told her, "I am not okay Mumma. Nothing is all right. I know I am behaving so odd but everytime I try to change it, anyhow I end up being unable to get over it. I am feeling so much empty Mumma.. and the worst thing is I don't know the reason. I don't know I am ever gonna be normal or not. I am trying to improve myself but at same time this pain behind a secret reason is killing me. No matter how much I try to gather hopes, I always end up being hopeless and helpless. I don't know what to do.. nothing seems to be well.."etc. etc. I spelled out my heart that day. After I finished it was like tons of weight had been removed from my chest. She was there sitting silently and listening silently everything holding my hand. It was clear that she was still confused but after a long conversation and argument when she got what's blocking me , one thing she said had left a great mark on me was, "You can't always get things done according to you. Sometimes they are totally opposite to what you tried and expected. That's why the better solution is accept the moment as it is and survive it with your the best." After all the forceful and tired conversation this was something that enlightened me. She had said similar thing earlier also but this time after the experience of life it was like that not only ears but the soul could hear and feel it! I finally stopped sobbing. We all are always adviced to live in present moment but my mother teached me why to live in a present moment in few words. But still im I was not at peace. I complained her " I always tried hard and always failed hard. Though I am not going to give up, I am not feeling confident to give myself one more try. And whenever I try to believe in myself that this time I will do it, I doubt myself again. I wear the fake confidance only." Mother is a magician. She didn't had answers to my questions but the solutions to my problems. She smiled at me and said "Your confidance maybe fake. But you are not fake. Your will to change it is so much truthful then why to count on confidance which is lost?" . My mother is very skillful at answering questions by asking questions.. I got it that she is asking me to hold on the right things that could set me in a proper direction. I had doubts due to all inabilities to overcome. But with new try in a new way there should be the same hope arising newly within heart without any prejudices about yourself. That day I learned the difference between hope and confidance. Holding on hope in tough times is the best way rather than to look for a confidance. I got this answer from her so meaningful question. She continued, "You hold the way of the will and surrender yourself to the path. Confidence is never permanent. It's okay to lose it sometimes." Her thoughtful and hopeful sayings left me mesmerised and motivated like always. She gifted me a new perspective that day. The perspective of identifying the productive things and hold onto them. And I realised that it was the best decision to talk to her.. I got that bonding hidden behind the gaps of words once again. After years I talked so freely with her and it uplifted me emotionally and mentally. Being with her took away all the pain of suffering alone. It's going on today also, but her powerful words, her most wanted companionship, hugging her randomly is everything that keeps me at peace and inspires me to keep some more patience everytime. That day once again after a long time I mate that freely flying bird within me inside her arms. She always say "Whatever happens, happens for the good. Just surrender yourself to the God. He will take care of all your worries." And today, after some years of this kind of experiences I have realised that she was right. I finally found meanings of so many of her words which were confusing earlier. Every sentence of her is like a quote of life. She is that candle which showed me a path in darkness with the glow of her insights and knowledge everytime I doubt on my steps. I realised that no matter what it was my mistake that I didn't talk to her earlier. And that day after we talked, it was like My Magician Mother is back with her magic stick..!