Miracles Don't Happen

I'm running. I can see that I'm running. What from? It's dark. You're scared of darkness. An inner voice said. No I'm not. I can't see anything. I can't feel the air whip my face as I run, I can't feel my feet touch the ground, I can't feel my heart racing. I don't feel tired. I can only see the path ahead of me. A path, not so straight, but my direction is only forward. I feel as though I have a goal. But am I trying too hard that I lost sight of the goal? The journey is what's important. What I learn from the journey is important. What am I running from though? I stop running. It's as though... I can control the dream. I turn and look behind me. I was running this way. It means that what I'm running from, is the other way. I walk back, tracing my tracks. I'm barefoot. I can see that I'm bleeding, from what I stepped on. Why can't I feel anything though? Oh right, I can't feel anything. 

I look ahead, as I walk back. It's dark. I was running, I know I was running AWAY from something, but what? Cool, so I've grown into such a coward, who doesn't even know what she's running from. I'm really pathetic. I can't feel anything. I can't like anything. Doc said that if I get a rea-. 

I stop in my tracks, as I heard a bloodcurdling scream. Not that it scared me. That's when I realized that, something was coming this way. Not someone, but something. It sure felt like a thing, and not a person. When I looked at what was coming this way, I couldn't make it out. It looked like a big screen. A round big screen, surrounded by beautiful dark vapour, which made it look like a kind of frame. It was honestly so beautiful, so... alluring. I laughed at myself for running from such a beautiful object. It came to a stop at about 6 feet away from me. So close. It started flashing something on the screen part. I was taken aback, when I saw my mother, and my two brothers, Mark and Jake and..... myself?

We were all happily talking at the dinner table. I looked so happy. My lips were drawn into a smile. I started listening to the conversation.

Me - " I looked into the script, it was so meaningful. I started crying when I read it. There was this line, ' Grief is love that has nowhere to go.' And the protagonist of the act, lost her mother, and people start pitying her. Then this character says, ' You used to love your mother. Why are you grieving over her now? So your love for your mom, is replaced by grief' and that's when the protagonist says nonchalantly the line I told at the beginning. "

Mom- "Oh dear, that line is so bitter but true. Let's wish that none of us go through that any soon."

Too late mom, It's too late now. I thought as I realized that this was one of my memories. 

Mark- " Oh dear, why would we mom? Hey Synth, be quiet and eat your food now. My chance to speak. Hey, why are you sneaking cabbages onto my plate? Eat them or leave them, why are you giving them to me? "

I just rolled my eyes and started laughing, as Jake and Mom did. 

The memory slowly started fading, as another image, came up instead. It was Mom, Mark and Jake, all smiling at me and gesturing me to go to them. Mark held out his hand, and I was about to reach out, all other scenes played in my head. In my head.

Mother on her hospital bed and talking to me. she was telling me something. " Synth, dear, I am ready to wait how may ever seasons I have to, until I know that, whenever you think about me, you should see me wearing my most beautiful smile, and not me on my death bed, in this stinky hospital." she said, almost whispering. I was crying beside her. This faded and as though there was this automatic fast forward button in my head, it went 2 months forward when I saw Mark.

Mark, in the hospital, on the bed, again. Someone's on the bed again. Not someone, him, Mark. I was again, sitting there. Crying helplessly. He just kept on rubbing by back, until it slowed down, and stopped. It stopped. The only thing is, I felt the hand, I felt it. Even though it was in my head, I did feel. Again, fast forward, only this time, 5 months. 

I was sitting beside Jake in the car, while dad was driving. And the next thing I can see is looking at the headlights from the side, and I was in Jake's funeral, with a broken arm and scars for life. Dad beside me, sobbing uncontrollably, and I was just standing there, expressionless. Not a tear. Not any visible fear. Just like a wax model. 

That's when I realized, those people in the screen... were not my family. As much I wished to feel them again, I know it was all not true. No wonder.

I withdrew the arm I was reaching out, and watched as Mark seemingly coming out of the screen. I turned, and I ran, I ran as fast I could.

I know they aren't true. How? An inner voice said. 'How?' I quoted, as I just ran into the darkness, again the same path, straight. Because I know Miracles Don't Happen.

If they did, I wouldn't be here, an actor, remaining expressionless. I wouldn't be here running from, something. I firstly wouldn't want to run from reality, instead I would face it. I wouldn't be here, running into darkness, but would be with my family. My dad, mom, brothers. 

Again, I started running aimlessly. 

But that's when it started raining. It was raining. Wait. WAIT. It feels wet. It is wet. I can feel the raindrops. I CAN feel. My heart, it's racing. My feet, are running on wet mud. My legs are paining. They are aching. The wind. It's strong. My hair is whipping against my face as I'm running. I feel cold. It's really cold. I can feel. I can feel. I can feel my hands folding. I can feel my legs buckling as I start panting. I can feel my sharp breath on the walls of my nose. I can feel my chest rising and falling fast as I gasp for air. I can feel tired. I can feel. I can feel how heavy my hair is right now because now it is wet under the rain. I can feel the uneasiness in my eyes as rainwater seeps in. I can feel.  

Miracles happen? It seems like they do. But didn't doc say, that until I feel any strong pang of emotion or pain, I won't be able to feel? Meh, never mind, what's important is that I can feel again.

"No, Synth, that's not important." I heard a voice say.

"Did you hear me Synth? It's not important. Synth?" 

"Yes." I answered.

"Synth? Synth? Hear me? Synth? Hey Synth? Synth? Synth? SYNTH? Wake up"

I opened(?) my eyes, to see my friend, Vannah, actual name Savannah, wake me up. 

That's when I realized, EVERYTHING up until now, was a dream. A mere dream. A dream, in which I felt. I felt. I didn't feel it in real life. I felt in my dream. 

I started laughing hysterically in my mind, only to be heard as a humourless chuckle to my ears and Vannah's. Right, how did I think that I could actually feel? HOW did I? I was such a strong person. What happened to me now? I thought, that I was strong. Seems like I just became so pathetic, that I even dreamed that I could feel. I DREAMED that I could feel. I look like a dead person walking around with this face. 

While Jake lost his life in the car accident, and dad lost his only remaining son, I lost my ability to make expressions. Facial paralysis. I as a theater major, lost my ability to make expressions. What I also lost were my emotions. I couldn't feel anything. Literally. What I did gain from it was a mental disorder. Not serious, just my lack to feel any emotions. Just the way, the only thing I do feel is Void. Empty. Mental disorder called, Schizoid Personality disorder. But doctor did say that, If I feel some really hard emotion, or an immense pain, I can feel again, I can make expressions again. 

How hard I tried. Locked myself in a room and starved myself for 4 days. I didn't feel anything, but I ended up fainting. I kept speakers around me and watched horror movies with those bloodcurdling shrilling and shouting, no effect. I played songs I used to cry to, I used to feel meaningful, with no effect. I read books, sad books, that I used to cry to, no effect. I burnt myself (by mistake) I couldn't feel it, considering it was a 2nd degree burn. What else can I do? 

Maybe I should just cut myself or something? Or rather should I jump off a building? Yeah jumping off's easier. If I could just feel the pain. Only if I could. I want to. I need to. Everyone also gave up on me, except dad, Dr.Reel and Vannah. Maybe if I feel the pain before I die, I think it'd be enough. That's when I felt something warm run down my cheek. Something wet and warm. Wait, I felt that. No it just must be the after effect of the amazing dream, or nightmare I had, whatever it is. I looked at Savannah, who was still crouched down, and boy, she looked like she'd seen a ghost. I lifted my arm up, which felt heavy for the 1st time in months. It felt heavy. Huh, no I still must be dreaming. Savannah, still same expression. I lifted my arm to my face, to see what that warm thing was, but I felt my cold fingertips on my cheeks. 

I felt it. It felt ticklish. Light, cold, and ticklish. When I brought the fingertips down to my sight, they were wet. They were wet for real. So, my vision is blurred, because I'm crying?I AM CRYING? I looked at Savannah who by now, was crying. She brought me into a tight hug, as she started whimpering. 

"Tell me this is true, Vannah. Please, tell me this isn't a dream."

"It is true, It isn't a dream Synth. Hyasynth. Girl, you're back. You are, crying. I knew it. My friend, you are here. Come on, speak. I- please. Please. I need to know, If I'm really seeing this."

"I-I don't kn- know. I can feel you against me. Don't let go Vannah. Don't. Don't Leave Me. I need to know this is true. We both do................. Why did you wait for me Vannah? When everyone else left, why didn't you? Dad, because I'm his only family. Dr.Reel, she is- was mom's best friend, who promised mom that she will take care of me no matter what. Why Savannah, Why? Wasn't I a pain?"

"Listen here, Synth. I don't want you in my life," she said, and I was heartbroken when she said that. I was heartbroken. I felt it.

"I don't just want you, Synth," she continues, "I need you. I need you no matter what. Like how we need air, we might never really thought about wanting it, we just need it. That's how I need you." She says, making me cry even harder. 

"You might be just a measly person to the world, but to one person, you are the whole world. That's what you are to me Synth. I have been with you ever since I had memories. My dad and mom aren't there now, but I have you. Just being beside you, makes me happy." by now dad had come into the room, and was just sitting there by the door, holding the door frame as support, as his eyes were dripping with relief. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really am. I was like this stuck up jerk, who didn't give a damn about the world around me. I was just........... selfish, to think I'm the only one hurting, I'm the only who lost something, I'm the only one who will never see any of them again. I didn't think about how much the people around me were hurting. I'm not the only one who lost someone, you did," I said, pointing towards dad, " and you did Vannah. They were like family to you too Vannah. I don't know, ho-how thankful, I am... for you people to keep hope in me. I was blind, blinded by selfishness and regret."

"No Synth, you were blinded by a disorder called Schizoid personality disorder. You went through it, to come out like this. You are the bravest person I will ever remember. We understand what you went through and we will continue to. You mean the world to us. Synth, you won't leave me too right?" Dad asked.

I hysterically shook my head as I went, to dad, and cried in his embrace. I missed this. Feeling this warmth. Feeling happy, smiling. 

"Nothing beats the scent of your cologne dad. Always the best. The way Mark and Jake used to smell." I whispered as dad ruffled through my hair. 

"Come on, let's get your ears pierced. I want you to feel some pain, relish it, knowing that this is real. I give you my consent. You can also go into the acting industry, I won't mind anymore, just make sure you practice, and stay out of trouble. I want you to be happy, and don't ignore me ever." dad said, with glassy eyes, showing unshed tears.

"I love you dad, I could never forget you, and never ignore you." I said snuggling deeper into his chest. 

"Go get ready, and go out with Savannah. We'll visit Dr.Reel tomorrow. Go out today. Spend as much as you can. Get your ears pierced. Eat something good. Buy clothes. Be happy, enjoy your day." he said, sincerity dripping in every word he said.

"I will." I said, and turning to Vannah I whispered," Let's get ready, and go to the arcade, then we'll go to get our ears pierced, oh wait, you want to? Only if you do." She nodded frantically. So we just went to the closet, our shared closet. She gave me a quarter sleeve shirt, which I refused.

"My scars will be seen, I don't want them to be seen. Give anything else, half sleeves or full ones."

"Synth, you don't need to hide your scars. Be proud of them. They show, what you've been through, what you've gone through, most importantly what you've survived through. And I'm proud that you did."

I looked at her, and processed her words. They made sense, more than sense. She's right. I happily wore the shirt she gave, though was uncomfortable, I ignored it.

We made our way out and were on our way to the Mall.

"This all seems so unreal Vannah. I can feel the wind against my face. I can feel my hands move, I can feel myself blink and breathe. This is so relieving Vannah. It seems Miracles do happen."

"No they don't Synth. It is you, who were strong enough to come up till here. THIS is the fruit, that is the result of your hard work, that is the pain you suffered through, but did not give up, or give in to the disorder. And I'm so proud you did that. Mark, Jake and your mom would be and I bet are proud of you right now. So no,

Miracles Don't Happen."

-END-