Loop Of Infinity

School's over till June. I see you enjoying yourself with your friends. I see you ranting about the marvellous time you had at your birthday party. Without me, of course.

I used to pray that you'd end up in my class. Well, now you did. And right now, I repent praying for this. If only I had learnt from my past mistakes! I can't believe I'll be stuck with you for two years now. Does it make a difference to you? Yes of course it does! 

I eavesdropped on you while you were talking to your best friend. I heard everything you said about me. It's ok. You're not the only one who came for benefits. Everyone did. But I'm soft. I still give in. I'll still help you if you ask me for it. 

Every time I saw you back when our fairytale castle first started developing ugly, deep cracks, I used to feel that familiar hand stab me in the back. And Caesar's last words echoed in my mind-  

Et tu, Brute?

 All our sweet conversations, my coolness and your chill attitude beating the sweltering summer heat of early March back in 2022 ricochet in my heart now because now, all that's left in place of it are empty chambers. I don't even feel anything sometimes, not even sadness. It's like I'm no longer living. Other times, I'm caught in the haze of alexithymia, trying to catch my breath.

In those two years of intense darkness and isolation, I developed a phobia of light. The slightest beam of light almost made my eyes fall off and mortified me, as I winced in vehement bouts of agony. I had resigned to my fate, believing there to be no hope left for me. And then when I felt like I was an old cardigan, under someone's bed, you put me on and said I was your favourite. You brought a gently glowing candle that warmed up my cold corner and, in a gentle way, lit up my world, beguiling me. But then what did you do? You extinguished it before I knew it and laughed at my finifugal nature, bewilderment and momentary happiness. But that one moment? It was ephemeral, but also resplendent, and for a moment, evaporated all my dysthymia.

You drew stars, around my scars and now I'm bleeding.

 

I should've known. Maybe I did. I knew the smell of smoke would hang around this long because I knew everything when I was young. I knew you'd be the one I'd curse for the longest time.

You were the gentle sun, dismissing away the dark clouds that covered my sky, you were the breeze that gently blew my hair away from my face, you were my hope after that intense period of darkness.

But tell me dear, what did I do wrong?

Did the tears I had not shed, the fights we never had, accumulate to form dark, thundering clouds?

Did that cloud rain down and wash away all our birds of hope and melt the ice mountains of ambitions we had built together?

Did the thunder crackle so loudly that you ran away to hide, like a scared little boy?

Did you descry that blinding white bolt from the heavens strike me in my soul, and bruise me badly?

And tell me dear, did you see me from your safe place, still standing there, living for the hope of it all and waiting for you to come back?

Don't look at me again. You've got new friends, much better than me, who will do anything to run me down, anything to make my life a hearth, and me, the wood. Your absence has frozen like ice in my lungs, and whenever I breathe out and try to flush out the sadness and anhedonia that has taken your place, I can feel the ice crystals poking me and puncturing holes into me. I can feel that Hiraeth.

Sometimes, I just wish I could forget you, I wish you could just stop lingering and haunting my memory like the delicate aroma of German cologne.

Other times, I relapse into that saudade, wanting you to come back, and tell me that it was just a nightmare and that we were still on that mountain peak, high in the sky, and completely lost in our own worlds.

I'll be stuck in this loop of infinity forevermore.