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Exercising demons

April 9, 2015 at 8:56am

 

Somone else’s cancer is eating me...

 

Penetrating my emotions... and shifting into my mind... enclosing entirely and consuming my internal dialog...It is so painful... why is it so painful... I am just a bystander.. Why do I feel this too...

 

It hurts, literally hurts me to the point where it is difficult to function because my thoughts are enveloped in trying to find a solution which may not even exist... or meaning in what could be a somewhat meaningless event. Perhaps it means nothing... We all live and we all die. So why does the knowledge that another’s light is dimming grab me, grip me so deeply with crippling fear, anger, and sadness?

 

Why is it... that God, Buddha, makes me feel this too! Why must I struggle and churn in pain within myself to associate myself with your pain? Why is this natural for me to feel it to this extreme and very few others do... does anyone one else even feel this like this.. at this level.. It is crushing. I need to get this out, it feels like heaving a hairball, an awkward chunk of meat caught in my throat, too light to swallow, too heavy to heave.

 

I wake up and I'm just angry! I'm f*cking angry and sad! Why do I even care about other people to the point where it consumes me? Not all but most leave me wrecked. And abandoned, alone and hollow. It's like I care too much, it feels like a wiring issue but it could just be a result of extreme pain and suffering.

 

I don't know what it is... I'm getting out yet..

 

I thought the room was dark enough when my father died without ever getting to meet him. Part of me likes to romanticize his life because I wish he had been the white horse that came to make all the pieces fit and make sense and heal me. I wish... I wish I would have known him and known who he was.. I think...

 

It would have helped me to understand better and come to peace with who I am. I think most people feel that way about their estranged parent but the lie or story I'm sure is much better than a painful truth. They were selfish, they didn't care enough about your suffering or your circumstances to take an interest and they themselves probably lived a life also pained by their mistakes and their own wounds inflicted by others.

 

I have made a genuine effort in my life to go that extra mile for people, to care where others don't... not even necessarily because I "Love" people... but because It hurts me so badly to see another suffering... because I have been exposed to long term suffering within myself. Doing this though sacrificing so much of myself to others really took it's tole on me... eventually It was not reciprocated enough by people... I was pulling too much weight and giving so much to the point where I couldn't handle my daily life and emotions and I began to come apart... I felt stronger than everyone but the truth is my mental state and emotions have a very fragile structure from everything I have experienced. My life began slowing taking one turn slightly worse than the last...

 

And looking for salvation from the storm became impossible. My mental capacity deteriorated and I found myself in a long term depression of which I could not climb out of and I watched as people up toward the light walked in freedom and harmony, I saw their shadows... only a few saw me and tried to help but it was somewhat too late...My nervous system was wrecked my mind dark and clouded, my brain swelling with trauma and my body emaciated and deteriorating and my brain and the way it functions feeling its effects..

 

But because I am what most would consider to be beautiful and intelligent I suppose...able to so eloquently express myself... they would like to look at me as if...I were just like everyone else...I was fine and fit to work and be a part of society, but I knew I could barely function with all of this turmoil crashing like dark waves within my being. The truth is I'M NOT LIKE YOU... so why even pretend anymore.

 

Everyone expects you to fully be able to function like a normal human at this point and I'm sorry to tell you if your brain is experiencing severe trauma and continual swelling on a consistent basis long term and your body and brain is deprived of vital nutrients it can cause almost irreparable damage. Every time I tried to get back, I couldn't function normally, my brain heart and soul swamped with darkness and sadness.

 

So here we are years after the fall of many falls... somewhat closer to normal... knowing I should not try to take on more than I can handle because I will lose myself...

 

But experiencing pain so deeply because of the pain and suffering of others is what causes my smothered flames to ignite and my inner heroine to want to fight... FIGHT with all I've got.. To help and ease the suffering... If I help it may kill me but if I do nothing I feel your pain and I experience my guilt and also my feelings of worthlessness and emptiness... I feel unfulfilled... So I question what it is that will bring me a balance of peace. My brain says get to a point where you are so stable financially that if everything were to fall apart you would have a base structure to come back to and curl up in... If the very last person you love should kick you while you are down at least you could come back to this space to regenerate until you are well again. It also tells me I could Les Brown this shit and walk in there like badass and say you get whatever you need Mama, you need a house, you need somewhere peaceful to heal from this cancer.. I got you... just take a rest get off your feet and feel happy.. You don't need to rely on someone who is mean to you... or doesn't take your feelings into consideration. You will find either a person of quality or quality in your own life.. or even better both! I will pay off this beautiful house in the country that you love so much so you can enjoy the beauty of life for the rest of your days without another worry in the world. I wish I could walk into this place guns blazing and see everyone I love who is suffering

 

And Tony Robbins it... "I got this". This aint shit everybody... "oh you need this, I'll buy it". Oh you’re in pain let’s talk and I'll help you solve this...

 

F*ck and maybe this is selfish because I'm in pain and it's eating me too not just you. Cancer has taken so many pieces of me away and replaced them with A long-term deep sadness already because of the untimely death of my father. It has walked into my house and stolen my shit and then worn it around in front of my face boastfully. I'm so fucking tired of waking up in pain... not everyday but randomly just being sad or angry because everyone else is in pain. Why do I feel this way and why do I have this fire and what do I need to do to help so I can finally be at peace with myself and relax knowing I really did all that I can to help those who are treated inferior, badly, inhumanly, or are in pain. I need to make time with a toddler to find a way to become more prosperous.. but it's really hard... If I do not do this I will continually experience this pain because I will not be able to be of value in healing others and myself. I also need to take care of myself first... if there is one realization that has brought me to my knees in this life it is that no one is going to love you more than you.. a painful truth.

 

If I can learn to always be in love with myself... I would have the ultimate self-love... and an unlimited wealth of love to give. I need to treat myself better but its hard when you relive your trauma and losses every day, they never go away or heal. I will rise, I will find a way, and I will not let this be meaningless in my eyes when I see all of the pain and beauty for what it really is. People need to be more aware and care how they affect other people. Everyone goes around with their imagined self importance thinking they are the only person in the universe who matters, they care nothing for the pain of others...all that matters is that the hole isn't on their end of the boat.. I'm not sure where humankind is headed but it seems very unlikely it will be anywhere that I would want to go... it seems like a callous meaningless world of self-righteousness and instant gratification through the path of least resistance... where no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I need to do something though because my son lives here and will continue to live here long after my bones have turned to dust within the earth’s crust. I need to eliminate the fear or losing or not having basic needs met again... so I can feel like I am able to thrive and not just survive... which means finding a way to prosper financially. 

 

I need to tell you that you that you can survive!... and remind you that you can not only survive but you can thrive because you have so much talent in you and beauty... don't save it all for just one person who dimisses you. 

You just have to believe it and you can overcome this you just have to be stronger than your weakest enemy which is yourself... and it's ok to just relax and not worry about the world... that is...if you can and other people care and love you regardless of anything and everything. Genuine love is unconditional... and I think you should know... that people do love you this way. DIG DEEPER. KEEP DIGGING. UNTIL YOU FIND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. 

 

That is all. I love you.