IF

Dear Prabhat,

Last night's argument caused a lot of pain to both of us. I leave it completely up to you, where you want to take our relationship from here. As I have told you many times before, you will always know where to find me. My heart and my doors remain open for you. I want you to be completely free of any emotional burden while you decide what your next steps should be. I want you to know that no matter what you do, I'll be okay. 

If you never leave, I’ll settle for an ordinary life. I’ll share your daily chores if you share mine. I’ll be sentimental at the most inconvenient times. I’ll bear with you when you’ll go the wrong way in consoling me or when you'll be frustrated with my frustration. I’ll kiss you on the forehead if I’m sure that you’re asleep. What we’ll not have, I’ll dream about, or fight about, or sigh about, and in the end, when I’m sure we won’t have it, I’ll take refuge in imagination. We’ll be fine. 

I’ll be your rock if you are my river.

If you leave, I’ll wait for you. Not because I need you, but because I would like to wait for someone like you. I’ll imagine our lows to have been harsher than they actually were and our highs to have been more gratifying than they really were. I’ll convince myself that I was less messed up before I met you. But on the whole, I’ll be fine. I've always been just as happy as I deserve to be. I shall always be just as happy as I’ll deserve to be, no more, no less. I’ll be comfortable amongst the ruins and the treasures that surround me. What I won’t have, I’ll dream about, I’ll make up.

And ‘real’ would always be what I'd accept the reality to be. I'll be fine.

If you come back, I’ll be happy to see you. I’ll be a little sad for losing the romance of the wait. I’ll tell you about the temptations in between -- the ones that I didn't give in to. I won’t ask you about yours and act like you never went away. I’ll cry secretly sometimes and feel satisfied with carrying around a surreptitious pain. I'll assume that it makes me deeper, wiser, more interesting, and something of a tragic heroine. What we couldn't have, I’ll dream about, or fight about, or sigh about and in the end, I’ll take refuge in imagination and pretend that we did.

You’ll have to dance with me without music, in the moonlight, from time to time, in order to compensate for our loss.

Yours,

Mani.