I'M FINE

I'm fine we say, a lie we tell ourselves and others. “How are you?” you're asked, “I'm fine.” you say. I'm fine is a response to a greeting and almost to any question that is posed about our well-being. “What's wrong?” we're asked. “Nothing!” we say hurriedly. “I'm fine.” I'm fine. We say it automatically without giving it a second's thought. 

 I'm fine. A line we say to ourselves and others so often it's become ingrained in us. I'm fine, a lie we tell so often even we start to believe it. I'm fine we say, to console and comfort ourselves. We use it as a mask to hide behind our true feelings – sadness, anxiety anger, being overwhelmed. 

 Am I fine? We ask ourselves internally –we don't feel fine in our mind with our troubles, worries and storms of life. Physically we are fine, we're not showing signs of sickness or anything, so, that's good! No one will be able to tell what's going on inside our hearts and mind, we can keep up the charade. Mentally we fee haven't broken down yet, but it feels like we are slowly slipping.

 We get scared we'll lose it. Emotionally we feel broken or we feel like we're about to explode from bottling up all the various emotions we go through the day – the various emotions we've experienced through the years. All the upsets, heartbreaks and irritations we get as we navigate (or try to) this thing called life.

 “I'm fine, I'll be fine.” we say to ourselves to give ourselves courage. “I have to be fine!” some of us force ourselves. The show must go on, we need to look fine, put together or at least look it. Even if we're not fine we will be fake it'til you make it, right?

 We'll look weak, fragile, easily beat down, loser. Nobody wants to be seen as weak or incompetent at handling life's blows. Saying we're not fine risks us being seen as such – even worse, being laughed at for being “weak” so, we put on the mask and head on out. 

 There's also this rule in society. This rule that says you must be fine. You must be fine. You're not poor, sick physically. You're beautiful, so you must be fine. Even if you are poor or physically sick you must say you're fine or something along those lines – something positive. You're still alive right? 

 Society has shunned those who have been honest and said they are not fine, those who have broken the charade and said the truth. They are called ungrateful, or they are labelled as attention seekers. They are made to feel guilty and/or flawed for feeling the way they feel. So, the rest of us who want to say we're not fine shut up about it and try to find ways to cope with the nagging feeling of not being fine. 

 We self harm or self medicate, please ourselves or do other things to feel something different or numb ourselves from the pain of not being fine. Some of those methods we do end up making us feel ashamed or guilty for doing them. 

 The ideal selves that we want to be or try to be or pretend to be is torn. We start to think we might never be our best selves possible – let alone a good enough version. 

 That, together with the feeling of not fine causes us to implode – self-destruct. We will never be good or fine. We suck at life and we hate it, and we hate ourselves – there's no good we're doing here, the world won't miss us, we don't have a purpose and so we should just leave it. 

 Some of us do. We leave the world by our own hands –suicide. That is the effect that comes from extreme feelings of not being fine, coupled with troubles we've faced and a feeling of alienation. 

 No one will understand us, we don't fit in – we never have. We're not fine but we have to be or look it – society expects it! We cannot go on any longer pretending to be fine, trying to be fine... we're tired and we cannot go on any further we don't want to – we can't. So, it would be better to just end the show once and for all.