Heart And Soul

When I walked from hotel Triveni to a tea shop, leaving him with the tea cups empty, through the rush at the bus stand I have told myself. I should leave this here while I walked through the medical. College road back to the hostel I almost made up my mind to leave him and move on. But what stopped me then ...follows me till today when I am 46. His eyes that spoke against him, I saw in them his love for me, his passion, his yearning and always telling me to stay ...

 I lay on the bed of pooja paradise and decided while he fell asleep if it is not going to lead anywhere to leave it forever. I was on medication and the war in me between his words deeds and eyes unsettled me never giving me a place to hold on. I had given him the whole of me that night, I was only 21 ...I felt myself an offering at his feet, he was my God and his worshiper ..he never wanted me but he slept holding me tight that night and we ended up in living together, thirty years back when things were not like today. I just wanted his closeness, his caressing me. His words ...But he left me, broken at the outskirts of life breaking me in and out. Reducing me into nothing but a broken vase 

I was 35 when he returned back. Married and mother the first time I ran into his arms I felt no more. But he was a kid and that kid never knew a better world without me. He slept holding on to me while I watch him. Sleep after our most private hours 

 He was married, and he had many other relationships while being a divorcee, nothing stopped me or him ..though I told him..it is time. But he kept on in my life. He wanted to be part of my world, my body, my heart.

I lost a lot in this debate between his mind and heart. His soul and him. He nor I did not know otherwise..to live

He told me I should not affect his marriage ....quite the contrary one day, he did not want the trouble in life I could not even cry thinking how he had broken my marriage and my life ...

 I felt ...from.hotel Triveni why did not walk leaving him for good

But ...

I still is in his life not wanting anything...but his eyes contradicted him they peered into my very existence asking ...do you love me and he just wanted to hear it ...

Still, I decided to keep away. I knew even when he kissed me for the first time, the whole nature sea stars and moon witnessing...he was confused ..every atom of him pined for me while his ..ego made him fumble ...

I finally want to walk away, leave him but his eyes scream in a thousand notes and notation an abandoned cry...

I stay .. whatever I suffer ...