Finding Peace Not Only Within Myself... But Also For You, Too

Most of my adult life has been spent just simply wishing time would just go by faster; Always looking ahead. Wanting to be somewhere else. Wanting to be someone else. Afraid to sink my teeth into the space in which I occupied because nothing really ever felt secure. I was always waiting for a sign letting me know that I made it.

I have made lists – Bucket lists, fuck It lists, to-do lists, short-term and long-term goal lists. I crossed off almost every goal that I have ever made for myself, but the confetti cannons never went off and there were no fireworks in the sky. The time came and went in the same way that the sun rises and that it also sets – Like a routine that makes you feel hopeful, yet anxious for more, and my God, does it not sting a little? Does it not feel like a punch to the gut, knowing how quickly time has flown by and how most of that time was spent trying to find my footing and fighting the weight of time.

I do not feel this while I am looking through old journals, digging through my past, trying to make amends, or trying to find evidence that I am enough. I believe that the universe makes no mistakes. Right here, at this very moment, exactly where my feet are planted, is where I believe that I am supposed to be, even when it feels like I should be anywhere else. I feel things so intensely and at times, I even hate myself for it afterward. I try to hold back tears and I try to bottle up my emotions. I talk as if I am some 20-somethings' expert. I describe my 20s as sitting in the eye of a tornado and trying desperately, to grab ahold of the pieces of debris.

I find glimmers of sunshine between the storms, but I tend to run away from anything that stays good for too long. Stability sounds good but feels like an avalanche of chaos lurking right around the corner. But as long as everybody around me feels seen, heard, and loved, then I can live quietly in the throes of darkness – That I can be the fixer and they can all be healed and I convince myself, truly convince myself that it will never catch up to me.

Here is a secret... It always does.

You will make friends. You will make so many damn friends from all over the place and you are going to feel so, so undeserving. You are going to push them away because that is what you do. You are going to complain that no one is there for you. You are going to scroll through your phone all hours of the night in search of a person to talk to and you are going to feel so, so alone, no matter how many people are sitting on the other end.

You are going to welcome grief into your home like a long-distance relative that stops in without so much as a warning. You are going to fight with grief. You are going to go through the cycle over and over again. 

Denial: This is just a bad dream, right? They are not really gone. 

Anger: Throwing picture frames with the kind of force only fueled by the realization that the other person sitting with you in the picture is going to stay frozen in time. Just like that. They will never get the fine lines that are softening around your eyes. They will never have to dye their hair to cover a grey. They will never get to complain about paying taxes, being single, or the daily hassle of waking up to go to work. How could they leave you like that? How could they get up and walk away without telling you? 

Bargaining: What if we hung out just one more time? What if I made it to the hospital? What if I picked up the phone? What if I spent more time with them? Would that be enough to take the sting of a billion bee stings away? 

Depression: Darkness, sleepless nights, tears that feel like they just will not ever stop. Memories playing over and over again of your last conversation. The last time that you saw them and how desperately that you want to feel their presence, if only for a minute. 

Acceptance: Their birthdays will come and go, their anniversaries, moments that they should be at - But you will move on and the ache will still be there, but it will eventually be a little lighter and you will learn to live without them, though you will fight it with all of your might. Then the truth sinks in one day - You are still here and it is your job to live while you can. You are going to learn through grief that you can miss people so much. They are going to leave you with spaces that are impossible to fill and you will try to fill them, but dear... You just cannot do that, because trust me... I have !! The spaces are there to remind you that you once loved somebody so dearly and though they had to leave you, your stories are now bound to each other's, and if nothing else, how beautiful is it that we are able to have that?

You will go through stretches of time where you are suffocating under the weight of it all. A lot of 29 will feel like that – Heavy and dark for reasons you are still trying to understand. The feeling comes in and settles down on top of your chest - But you will get out of it, you just might not know it yet.

You will spend nights searching for the meaning behind the lyrics of a song that seems to mean so much to you. You are going to wish that you were smarter, you are gonna wish that you were stronger and you are gonna wish that it was easier. You are going to wish you could have stood where they would have been proud and you are going to wait for the day when you can be proud of yourself.

You will cry when you get that letter in the mail that says you have officially been accepted and enrolled into a college or university for your dream of becoming a therapist, counseling young children in the Juvenile Justice System. You did this all on your own. Three more letters after your name and a world of opportunities that you have spent a lot of time and energy working towards. You thought this would feel better. You thought this would have felt like glitter falling onto the floor and fireworks sparkling into the air. You will bend over and fall to the ground covered in tears because this is not supposed to be how it feels. You will realize then, at that very moment, that it will never matter. Your job, your career, or your role in a very important field will never make you a better friend or a worse woman.

                                Those things will never keep you warm at night.

People will tell you that love will fill you. That love is the missing piece. But you do not want to hear it. You will fight it. You will run away from any flicker of love and run straight into chaos. You are going to be really stupid in love and I mean really, really stupid. You are going to fall into the same man's arms over and over again. You are going to lose some people, because of it. You are even going to lose yourself because of it. You are going to convince yourself that this is the only love that you may ever know. That love beyond un-requited love does not exist. That this is what you deserve – Late night texts, chance encounters, and the constant reminder that he chose her, even when he says that he wants you - But you will get through it though. You are going to hear the words that pierce your chest, just deep enough to make you let it go. You are going to walk away and trust me when I say that you will never turn back.

You will learn that love exists beyond that. That love is deeper than a boy who stopped looking at you like you turned his world upside down. That love is much more than being the girl who let infatuation blind her. Love exists in friendships that withstand heartache and hardship. In the kind of people who send you flowers to your office because you are heartbroken when you resign from a job that was so important to you. In the kind of friends who will get on an airplane to celebrate your 30th birthday. In the kind of people who call you every single day to check-in when you spent months struggling to get out of bed. In the kind of people who make you feel like you do not have to be anything other than the person that you truly are. In the kind of people who see who you are and who do not ever make you feel like you are too hard to love.

You are going to spend the latter half of your twenties desperately seeking balance. You are going to write about it every year on your birthday. You are going to make analogies about how badly you wanted to be a gymnast who masters the tightrope. That will be the metaphor for your twenties. You are going to look in places far and low. You are going to buy all sorts of planners to help you organize better. You will try to change your schedule. You will quit your job and convince yourself that that will bring you balance. You will schedule time for friends. You will schedule time for yourself and you will realize that it never really was about balance, was it? You can find balance, sure, but you just will not feel it. Your normal will keep on changing and the balance that you thought that you had will topple over.

You are going to think that it was all about balance, but guess what? It is all about peace. It has only ever been about peace and you can find that peace in nature. You can find that peace in friendships. You can find that peace on weekends away. But please remember – Please make note that it has only ever been about peace. Anything that does not facilitate that, is just simply noise and noise is just not what you need.

So this is it - Another trip around the sun. Another year has gone by. The closing of a decade-long chapter and the beginning of the next. This feels good. This feels right.

And you will be okay. You will always be okay.