The Depression

With depression surrounding me, I was facing Marina beach, Chennai. After a long time, I came here. The cool breeze slapped me. Even breeze is trying to cheer me up, my poor enthusiasm remains the same. I was low in confidence. I had faced so many of rejections, dejections, failures, break-ups in my life. I need to share my experience.

Hi friends, this is Rakshan. I'm a 25-year old man. With 25 years of bitter experience. I don't have a particular reason to feel depressed. Is there any rule, you have to be depressed only if you lose your loved ones or something kind of stuff. I have 'n' no. of reasons to say. I will list out my losses in life. I faced

3-friendship back-stabs,Sudden job loss,Struck in career.

I'm not sure what to do next. I don't understand why people dislike me. I don't understand why employers hesitate to hire me. To be frank, I'm friendly, joyful, and never hurt anyway. In terms of my career, I have coding skills. I can create an app on my own within the estimated deadline.

Still, people don't want to hire me. Though I'm a good person, people don't understand me. I don't have a single person in my life to share my feeling, right now.

          Simply, I was a 'loser'.

 I have promoted myself to another step- a dangerous step to be promoted and a dangerous step to be attained.

         Congrats buddy. You are lonely! Absolutely lonely!

         Lonely+ Depression= Daily Death.

My failure started when I was born. I was not a normal person. In fact, when you look at me you would argue I was common as many other people. But when you move with me, you would come to know- I'm an innocent, childish fellow. I don't have much intelligence. You can't accept my perspective sometimes, what is there in depression. What is there to be low in confidence? I will tell you.

Incident No.1- The incident would prove I was innocent. When I was studying in high school, I would travel to the school by the school bus. At those times, our bus-mates would plan to celebrate everyone's birthday. Especially, the last-seat members. We cut cakes for the birthday boy and the birthday boy has to throw others a treat in a Dhaba. Most of them, in fact, all of them would combine their birthday treats except this pity Rakshan. Mostly 2 birthday babies would combine and give us the treat. And both the birthday babies would share the bill. Say if the bill is 4k, the two birthday buddies would share the bill as 2k each. But if this pity Rakshan has none to share the bill and if the bill is 4k, I have to pay the bill. Here, I don't speak from the money's perspective. Instead, there is none to share the bill with me. And more than everything, only after finishing high school I got to know that these bloody bus-mates have cheated me. When there is none to inform me that you were cheated. I never spoke with those buddies again.

I threw a small pebble onto the beach. The pebble bounced twice and thrice and reached somewhere deep into the beach.

Incident no.2- Why everyone hates me. I played cricket during my college days. Mostly, I play decent cricket. But sometimes, I would drop catches. And if we lose the match, my whole teammate would blame me and would say the drop catch was the defining moment of the match. If I had caught the ball, we would have won the game. They argue. But I never argue, I simply held my head down. Even at that time, none would support me. One day, the anger hits on the top of my head and I argued with the captain. He threw me out of the ground. I never went on to play cricket again.

Incident no.3- My close friend backstabbed me. My close friend, Arun got Manisha's (my girlfriend) phone number from another friend and spoke to Manisha regarding me. Later, that day Arun came to my home and just we discussed life and he left the home. Later, the next day Manisha spoken to me and said Arun has spoke to her regarding my career flop. Arun has told Manisha, that I should take a high-income earning career than a dull-looking job. What hurts me more is, I dont mind he got her number and spoke to her. But at least Arun would have informed me that bespoke to Manisha. He came to my home but still, he didn't say anything. Ok, I can leave this as well, when I told him he was wrong. He didn't accept it and said defender him. What he has in his mind? I will speak to him anyway?

Incident no.4- The last incident, my sudden job loss. I was working fine in an IT company. I worked well so they said if I work on a particular project they would send me onsite. So, I accepted that and worked on that project. The project was not easy. One has to work extra time to complete the project. So, I worked day-night on the project. I worked on weekends. I worked continuously 28 days in that particular month for almost working 14 hours per day. I had almost completed the project. But at the neck of the moment, I wasn't sent onsite. The management has hired, Ganesh, (an employee) just to send him onsite for the project. Ganesh was my school buddy. We were good friends. When he said to me that he was going to onsite on behalf of me, I imagined cutting my throat with the pen and die. Even they sacked me suddenly. Work done so they sacked me.

Whenever I think of this incident, tears would roll down from my eyes. I cried for so many days in my bed. I wanted to book a 5-star hotel and wanted to cry. I have none to share. My life is full of depression.

Why all these happening to me? Why God has built me with low I intelligence, with low IQ, with low what-so-ever. Why I can't be happy like normal humans. Why I can't be people understand me? Why I can't understand people? There so many such "Why?" in my life, which still I'm searching for an answer.

I just wanted to travel somewhere and start my new life! New beginning! More than everything without remembering my past.