Black Ink

Love is not love which changes when it finds a change in circumstances or bends from its firm stand even when a lover is unfaithful: Oh no! It is a lighthouse. That sees storms but it is never shaken; Love is the guiding north star to every lost ship, whose value cannot be calculated, although its altitude can be measured, Love is not at the mercy of Time, though physical beauty Comes within the compass of his sickle, Love does not alter with hours and weeks, But, rather, it endures until the last day of life………….. 

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to you, that all is something I call “love”. This is merely the story of ‘my love’, in black ink my love may still shine bright………

Love doesn’t make the world go around; love is what makes the ride worthwhile. This 4-letter word is the sole reason for a change in many souls. The difference lies within that, some become the best and others meanwhile turned out to be the worst. No one is perfect, what evokes love is imperfection and world lie with the fact that people are not perfect, relationships are!! 

But then there exists the most brutal phase of love!! Which forces one to completely make their personality pellucid…and slowly and gradually the feelings start fading away. And eventually a time comes where people are no more the same, they were. For sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds; Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.

The tree sheds its leaves as the time passes and same the people does. Cause of seasons they shed their traits. Cause of reasons they change and as the change is the only thing constant in life. One needs to accept it maturely. Not every person is, what he is since the beginning… the situation changes a personality. Not every story ends happily, some just ruin the way while others just ruin a life.

And here’s right now the another one **once upon a time *************…………………………….

There were smart boys and then there was him, above them all. The most classy personality ever known ……he was quite, fascinating and above the boys whom one merely call cheap ones!! Outside rude, arrogant, full of attitude actually what one call swag but inside calm, sensitive who actually cared love and merely understood it! He never flirted with girls and respected them as a whole , he never took anyone’s feeling like a joke and actually never lied. But, he changed. Unlike the drop of water, he was different, a sort of rational and who never cared about these girlfriend-boyfriend relationships, all happy single with friends and his life. And his actual life was his talent “rap”. He wanted to be a rapper, he wrote with all his might and it should be said that “he was just awesome in that” !!!! But his life wanted something else, something called a brutal shake!

The season of strawberry summers it was...! Taking out his day’s stress. He was chilling out and surfing facebook, he saw her picture there, the first time, something just attracted him. He was mesmerized and infatuated…. For him, she was a divine beauty at least for him, she was his friend’s friend “miss s” …it all started thereby, he commented something on her picture and eventually they became friends, But the story till date was not started thereby as she was committed with someone else. After a couple of months passed away one day his friend told him that miss ‘s’ had a breakup. They both started talking like friends, exchanged numbers and showed their likeness towards each other. The kaleidoscope of feelings among them turned to that level, that both went closer and closer. Both talked a lot and that was not a matter of time, but it was a matter of love. It took the glimpse of a moment and both fell for each other and came into that “relationship”. It was new …and as “naya pyar parman bahot jaldi chaeta Hai”… both felt those butterflies in their stomach and that feeling was divine for ‘him’. 

He met her, and as expected both fell for each other more and more. The more girls he met…. The more he fell in love with her. He never flirted with any other girl, never had a look towards them, he had only one girl on his mind “and that was her”. Wo aaj jaisa hai, pahle nahi tha…. With all his might and all his feeling delight, with the deepest core of his heart, he loved his girl like anything. Never thought of any girl, he dreamt his future with that girl, cared for her… Loved her to that extent jitna shyad hum or aap soch bhi nhi sakte!!…… The story came to that level, that he forgot his talent…. He forgot to write raps. He forgot “ki kis kala ka mallik tha wo” he forgot that he was the owner of that voice “jispe log marte the” he had a flattering, heavy, manly and attracting voice. Both were happy, everything was probably well… She went to a wedding, there also they talked like “living for each other couple”. They both used to talk a lot …no matter its 1 in the afternoon or else 1 at midnight. The season at its beginning is the best. And so, the love is!! It was the best among them in that period, but it was high time. For their careers too..

He decides to leave for Pune for his musical career, institutions where he could learn music through software. But he was confused about everything going in his life as we all have one phase in our life “jaha hume khud ko hi nhi pata hota ki kya karna hai ???” Where we all are confused about what to do? How to make it? If it is partly correct or fully wrong? These number of questions take an instance in our mind where we all are confused and pellucid by our mind that what act should come in action. Where we all are frustrated as its intensely said that “zindgi bigadne or saware ka waqt ek hi hota hai” and so it was…. He was in that phase of life where he actually needed to focus on his career, make it large, as what he wanted was not everyone’s cup of tea. The field where he wanted to be that was boom cycle…… To get one stage of success one needs to cross 100 stairs of FAILURE. Though he was short-tempered, easily got de-motivated and frustrated in himself.

A day before he was about to leave, all set for Pune... He decided to meet her. It was an evening, both were in the car... His mom was making calls to come home early, but he was totally in a mess…. She grabbed his hand, hold them tightly because it was the first time for him, he felt a bit awkward…... He asked if he can have a cigarette... She felt a bit more awkward but agreed, he smoked in the car and he went outside the car along with her. She holds his hands “crossed", that moment was in love, protective and the desire of emotions evaded……… They both left that place… He looked frustrated and cause of that she didn’t feel good. She asked for a hug, she sat on his lapse cross-legged, hugged him so tightly that all his frustrated pieces joint together and made a new him...

Both kissed each other. It was at first almost as if he hadn't wanted to kiss her. His mouth was hard on hers, unyielding; then he put both arms around her and pulled her against him. His lips softened. She could feel the rapid beat of his heart, taste the sweetness of apples still on his mouth. She wound her hands into his hair, as she'd wanted to do since the first time she'd seen him. His hair curled around her fingers, silky and fine. Her heart was hammering, and there was a rushing sound in her ears, like beating wings…. That moment was special for him, his first kiss was it !! Other than anything physical it was all emotional for him! It wasn't that long, and it certainly wasn't the kind of kiss you see in movies these days, but it was wonderful in its own way, and all he remembered about the moment was that when their lips touched, he knew the memory would last forever. He felt so much for her that very moment. All that improved the faith and love inside him for her. He saw his whole life in his lady’s arms….

Next morning he was leaving for Pune. He was driving the car and taking it to the airport, while she was making calls to him and that too not one or two but a number of infinite calls, he kept on disconnecting the calls as he was driving and his dad was beside him, as soon as he reached the airport he made a call to her.. Explained to her that why he was disconnecting her calls. She told him that she was badly missing him and that melted his heart more. The time of boarding came, he said that he needs to leave now so finally he bided a goodbye and left for the flight. 

 

He somewhere was on the seventh cloud, he was happy, maybe for the first time, something gave him more pleasure then the thing he “called” his passion that was rapping. That affection, infatuation, attraction whatever it was he made it obvious, he forced everything to be below his girl, that feeling overruled him, tamed his emotions and apparently started to acidify him. 

He reached pine, got his work done (paperwork related to admission, and stay and everything) he was there but his soul was with her, in her, he craved to be with her as When you discover first love as a teenager, your whole life revolves around it and you open yourself up to it. His father had to take a view of Mumbai and Pune as well as Goa, so it took time for him to come back. He wanted to go back to her, to meet her, to have a part of her, after a few days he was about to be back , that day he had back to back connecting flights, he was all exhausted when he reached home, that was the day he didn’t have a word with her, he got his phone charged and made a call to her, she told him that, that day she needed him badly, she got his college admission form filled wrong and that she was finding all that frustrating. He listened to her, handled her, made her calm and explained to her that everything will go okay!! They used to talk like a late night and she again came back in the mood, apparently, he made everything settled again.

 

Few days passed, and they met a few times, with cute little fights and lovely conversations the relationship went with the flow…. It was all beautiful, or one may say that it was all because the sunset is beautiful, as the day was about to end …

 

And it was THE DAY, the day where came destruction, destruction of a pure soul, a person who seriously did love to his girl …………” the beginning of the end, started “she made a call to him… Fully frustrated…. Again with the same line “ I can’t handle this anymore… let's end it here “ that was all shocking for him, listening to something that broke him inside out !! He again tried to get her mood in back, but no! This time it was all about to end ……She decided to end the chapter of her presence from his life, she was all surrounded with stress ! “her future”, “her freedom”, “her life” apparently everything “her”

The moment where she inserted “I “instead of “we” everything ended. He kept on explaining her. Tried a lot, his mere hard to get things on places, but this time it was the day’s turn to end.

All drunk at the night he again made a call to her “what the hell are you doing?? This drinking and all…. Stop all this otherwise, I’ll inform your mother about it!!” Her words were something like this. He was all void, eyes red in tears, hands were shivering and shaking, and his lips did the same…. He stammered as he cried and apparently putting his ego, attitude, his name and his “self-respect “aside he begged her ‘for her’. Wow!! “Maine bheek mangi…. Par usne di nhi” these were his words when he narrated his story to me!........ She gave a certain reason ‘I need to focus on my career, I can’t handle this anymore, I want to be single, my feelings are fading away, I want freedom, ‘and the most breaking one, that broke him completely was “sorry !! Mujhe pyar nhi hua”… she said a sorry and wow!! The feelings he had were asked to put in a closed box and thrown away, he hanged up the call and never texted her back! 

The outside story ended hereby …. But an inside breaking piece was still left!! 

“what was my mistake ??” A question with which he tried to move on! A never-ending dilemma of his life, a confusion which changed him, actually I would say damaged him !.he gave her everything, he respected her as a mother, teased her like a sibling, cared for her like his own daughter, and loved her like his wife… His only dream of being a rapper was for some time kept aside for her. He cried for her, lied for her and every day died for her. A boy who dreamt his whole life with her… His dreams were broken… He kept on searching his answer, he never flirted with any girl, never got irritated, never thought of leaving but was left all alone! With her memories in his eyes every night he craved for sleep, every single moment with her was like a movie in his mind , he died a bit everyday cause of this pain, having his reality in front that this is not going to give him any sort of marginal return ,neither increasing nor diminishing he kept on trying and trying though he never got his answer “ ki meri galti kya thi ?? “ she left , never came back , she left him dying all alone, that one person who was not worth the pain she gave to him, she assassinated the feeling of oneness and love which was there in him, her one-sided decision doubled his fakeness… and slowly and gradually he killed the person he was and a new personality was born with some fake reactions ….

“The worst was this: my love was my decay “apparently no one knows where the shoe pinches except the one who wears it! Likewise, I also can’t understand the pain he must have felt, but I can try. The pain of separation , where you want to cry and shout aloud, where you shiver, you crave, you ruin your own happiness, each and every promise made when comes to you, before your eyes, where sometimes you want to end your life, end this pain anyhow, want to make her realize that how much you loved her, that she should come back, that she was the only one he loved !. A phase where you talk to yourself day and night, where you wriggle the whole day when such a big change is not accepted by you…………these all things brings an unbearable pain and pain changes people!

Keeping all inside him, he changed. But somewhere he wanted to blurt it out !! His irritation, frustration, unanswered questions he got more corrosive by single moving day.

************************************************************************************ 

On behalf of him, from me to her-----

I hope you find someone you can’t live without. I really do. And hope you never have to know what it’s like to have to try to live without them!!!!

I have felt that feeling when your heart aches so much. So much that you cannot explain anything. When every song brings tears into your eyes. When every single memory with that person is so beautiful that it makes you void when you are without that person. He felt a big burning hole right where once his heart used to behave you ever felt that the whole world is against you. Like you cannot survive like you are drowning like you cannot breathe like there is only one person who can save you, can give you a helping hand but isn’t there. That person who said, “I’ll be there for you”. Like you felt so much like home in that person’s arms like you don’t have craving for food or thing but that person, a craving so strong that you feel like ending your life if you don’t get it, but ending life does not reduce the pain, just transfers it.

She meant a lot to him as you can just live the rest of your life looking nothing but her eyes. A person so pure, so genuine, a person so beautiful, so quiet, a person so perfect, a person who was everything to you, who meant everything to you. A Person who always supported you. A person whose presence was better than anything this world could offer, and when that person leaves, leaves you in dark. Walks off into the blue, leaving you in a deep dark hole. A hole you cannot escape. A hole where you will still sit with your arms and legs close to you waiting for that person to return. But you know what, you know well that, that person will never come back. That person has changed. Till then I thought changes were beautiful. But no !!, changes like these were not beautiful, they can just break you down. I am not saying I didn’t commit any mistake. But frankly, when things change so rapidly, and you just go with the flow you hardly have time to ponder on things. When you have been pouring so much into a person that you didn’t realize you have become empty. That the person you used to love once now does not exist. But a person with the same face, same voice, the same everything exists but not the same soul. A time when you realize that people change no matter what. They don’t even think what their actions have done. How much depth they penetrated a person’s soul and mind and heart. How much they have affected their lives. How deep a wound they have left. A wound that cannot be healed, can never be healed. Damage so prominent in your life that you can hardly think of anything else. That you cry to sleep every single night. That no matter how much effort you put in, you cannot change your feelings for that person, you just cannot move on! We are humans only…. Right ??

And we can make mistakes. But judging someone based on their mistakes is cruel. Accepting people is so important. Forgiving is important. And above all giving people, a second chance is important. Then why me …...?? Why don’t I deserve a second chance? When I have sacrificed so much, adjusted so much, that now I even don’t know the “me” I was before meeting this person. That yes! I lost my essence, I lost my identity, I lost everything. And then a time comes when things go wrong, everything seems going in a haphazard fashion, you start questioning your identity when you start belittling yourself when you think you are good for nothing character. When you think you are a burden on the other person. When you think you are becoming dependent, you are becoming bounded and caged. When you want to break this not only for you but this person. When this fate has decided that you cannot be together. When you feel helpless, when you feel tired, your soul feels tired, tired as fuck. When sleep cannot help, when things cannot be reversed. When you are hit hard by the unexpected. When you feel that something is dead inside you!! …I would certainly be lying if I suggested that this jolting silence was for a good reason, it wasn’t. The truth is that it’s been a hard year a hard semester, a hard life experience.        

I, have been everywhere within but nowhere without , I have changed my mind about things – big things – to the point of misunderstanding myself and my intentions , I have doubted everything I have ever known, and then what I thought I would learn instead, leaving myself doubled over questions that I hope would bring out the dark in me…. They didn’t……... And believe me, they tried. I often found myself wondering if I was a mistake – if my existence was entirely faulted from the start, designed for destruction and disappointment. I wrote poems to myself drenched in blood-red fuck you’d and I wondered what I ever did to deserve such a cold sentiment. Maybe that fear told me to run away, encouraging the vicious habit of becoming small enough to disappear. But just when I thought I was doing a good job (of becoming nothing, that is) I found my edge and jumped. Every time, without fail, I jumped into the darkness before me, hit the jagged bottom of my own hell and exploded into a mess of everything I had ever wanted to be. As it turns out, taking that same violent fall enough times taught me a thing or two. Maybe I haven’t found exactly what makes me happy, but I have learned what happens when I try to pursue that which I wish made me happy but doesn’t. And maybe I haven’t figure out exactly who I am, but I have learned exactly who I am not –and who I should stop trying to be. I’ve also learned –rather, remembered – that I am not the only person who feels this way, I am not the only person who struggles along a path that doesn’t seem to exist most of the time. I am not the only person who’s ever hated himself for being so blatantly lost and sad. So here I am. Its been a hard year. But once again, I lived. And now, as I find myself begging for (and fortunately finding) gentle hands to guide me in emerging from this thing, I can’t help but think that there must be others out there who know that longing all too well – that desperate plea for someone to reach for them, to see them. And maybe this will be their sign. Maybe this will be the first hand they grasp. Maybe this will let them know that they are seen, and that the climb is a tough one, but that they are ready to take it – one ridiculously tiny step at a time. Credit: I am so thankful to her for making my life a JOKE. I mean seriously a JOKE. Laugh !!!, please laugh! You know what you just sucked out of my life, out of me. I will be ‘me’ only even after whatever happened, I will continue to look at you like this only. You know what you still mean a lot to me (much more than ‘a lot ‘in fact) I can still sacrifice anything for you. Still, do whatever it takes to make you happy. Because I loved you and nothing in this world can change my feeling for you, my longing for you. Only because you decided to move on, my love for you will not end. Although I will pretend to be happy, I hope you see my eyes and understand a deep pain that no one else can see. I hope you see the difference in me. Please do remember that I will never abandon you because I really don’t give up on people. I have nothing left with me. Yeah! Man, seriously I am so bad at loving … so bad, I loved way too hard. I made sure you get everything you wanted. I gave you everything I had, without making sure if you wanted it or not. Maybe I was a bad person. I was the one who wanted everyone to be happy and didn’t want myself to be a trouble to anyone, maybe that is my mistake. But you know what I will improve but not change certain things. I still think that people are good, and I trust them. I still think people should be given a second chance. I still believe that everyone has their own nature, and no one is fully wrong. Everyone is correct from their own point of view. One just needs to see things from other’s point of view and then you can easily make out if the person or the situation that were wrong. I will still see the good in everyone. Still, believe people even if I am crushed so many times. 

One last thing, I have loved you always and will love you always no matter what because my love was true for you. You changed I understand, I know things were tough for you, I know you were also struggling with your parents and me, I am not blaming you for anything, I mean, it’s just the situation we are in and neither I nor you are mature enough for these things. Believe me I understand everything , but what should I do, even I am struggling , I don’t even know if you want me back in your life or not, if you still consider me your friend or not , but I will still keep my promise , I love you no matter what and will always do , I’ll be waiting my entire life for you !!! I don’t hate you, I never will, I just act like I do, because it’s easier than admitting that I miss you, I really do miss you. Hope you loved me ever, hope you would have understood that relationships don’t work, they are made to be work…………

 

A passage added to the list of incomplete stories, where one regrets the starting other one regrets the ending. I want to question people that if you have caste issues, religion, frustration or career issues why the hell you even enter the life of others and make them suffer. You have got brains just think and then do! We should know that Lots of things can be fixed, but many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You're aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus or is boarding a different ship, and you just can't be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn't be, and All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else and at the end of the day it's about how much you can bear, how much you can endure. Being together, we harm nobody; being apart, we extinguish ourselves, don’t be sad because there is love in holding and there is love in letting go too. As humans, we’re wired to experience incredible love and affection. But for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction, and when it comes to the ecstasy of true love, that reaction is a gut-wrenching pain, a deep void of sadness, utter lethargy, and feelings of seemingly eternal loneliness. “The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…

“The saddest thing about love is, not only that, it cannot last forever, but that heartbreak is soon forgotten.”. So, one should try !! That all it takes!!

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs!! I hope he should fall in love again, he should get someone who can love him like anything, and the one who could just change his mind !!! Because love is a beautiful feeling, people around, don’t fake it, don’t fade it …. 

  ****  Cause a thing of love is a feeling forever !!**