At the Edge of Conscience...

Recently, two of my friends shared with me their most vulnerable feelings. I wondered why… out of the blue. Later, I realized, they did so because they wanted to. It made them feel better as they had previously unnecessarily delved into my personal life when in fact, I had expressed that I do not quite appreciate it… 

It probably helped them even the score, I guess…, sharing their vulnerabilities... But I never wanted them to be vulnerable. Never have. I mean what sort of a friend are you if you want to see your friend in pain and want their personal vulnerabilities exposed in public? You are a jerk, a psychopath, or a sociopath if you are doing these things to people you consider your friends. It's whimsical!

Friendships are not about making the scores even. They are about not creating them in the first place… And if they have been created, they are about raising your personal scores time and again!

So, here’s the deal breaker… While they may love to wallow in their own life and feel bad about it, I want to tell them that I was never interested in knowing anything about their life. I just wanted them to stop delving in my life. I would have done that with anybody. It is not about them. It is about me, the way I am, the way I prefer to be, always have.

As far as I am concerned, I feel they are really cool kinda people and maybe like the other hundred thousand similar people on this planet who I do not care about, I don’t care about them personally. Definitely not in a negative way... It's not my business... You should know I am that cut-off... really... I wanted them to know that in all the years that we knew each other, I did not spend even a minute thinking about them at least 80 % of the time… Remaining 20% when I did is the basic association that I have with everybody around me... I am a very friendly person and that is often mistaken for something else I feel... But I cannot change myself...And that is not to boast about myself. I am a damn workaholic and being happy and jolly around my colleagues helps me...and... it is too late to change! I genuinely wanted to build my life. That has been my focus always and I did not develop this focus to hurt them or anybody. That is who I am…

I feel sorry that I am accused of my individuality which is really harmless. Yet, I know one thing, if anyone tries to take that away from me, he or she holds no place in my life. They are chucked forever because you can’t have me without having the real me. I am not some young architect plaything who you can disassemble and reassemble to suit your needs!

Who are you anyway?

Maybe someone great in your head.

Well... Stay there. I never intended to get you out. But don’t get into mine either! Even I have no time to come out of my own head for your information… But I do not go around bruising people just because I am in my head! Me being in my head is my business and its totally inoffensive to others… It's better you try to deal with the fact that why other people being in their head concerns you, especially when it has nothing to do with you... Is it that you are insecure that someone could get more attention than you or more popularity... Whatever it is deal with it... Because, logically, there are billions out there in this world and there are many of them who are way too influential, attractive and go-getters than I am. If you don't have a problem with them, why me? 

I am sure there is a hell lot of shit in you than meets the eye which you would want to share with me or anyone else you prefer. Maybe that should help... But please, keep me out of it. I am not interested in knowing anything about you ever. Never was. Did I ask or comment about what you wear or eat or where you go on weekends or what friends you have or what movies you watch or who is there in your family or what your parents do and why and how do you relate to them? No. I didn't do that.

You did. I hate peeking into other people's lives and you or anyone else is no exception unless people themselves want to share with me and when they do it, they know that whatever they share will go with me to my death. I feel anyone's personal life doesn't deserve to be just played upon for your own shitty fun. A personal life is not a term, it implies your family, things that matter... maybe your parents ... childhood... everything awesome that you had including the pitfalls. Not everyone is worthy of knowing about it. And as far as I know, you certainly aren't in my life as I am not a loose mouthed shithole like you! If I was in your place I would have celebrated every nice bit of you, not pull you down for the not-so-nice things.That's what friends do... Anyways, I don't want to get there. 

Today, I feel, while these friends of mine want to drown themselves in their sorrows, self-pity and guilt for whatever they did to me, and, by all means they should take the time to do that, I just hope they don’t forget that the world needs them. It always has… Simply because others are looking at the light in them even if they may not have it.

From where I see life, it is not very linear. Maybe because of that I have developed a way of adapting and accommodating different kinds of people without needing to judge them or even ask them about their background. But that does not mean I will tolerate non-sense... Just know that I am not your person... I had said this before and I am saying it now...We could have only been by- the- way friends at the most... There is no other likelihood...There is no scope of developing a thick friendship between us like I have had with others in the past because you don't know me... So don't claim that you do. You will fall flat on your face. And I don't want that for you or any of my friends...

Honestly, I really liked the variation and zeal that you guys brought to my life because I see people for who they are and what they have done to reach where they are. And, I especially feel awed when people from humble, difficult circumstances make it big in their life. I really appreciate your journey and have always been impressed by the efforts you've taken to get there. But as I said, we weren't thick friends and I do not share what I like or don't just like that with anybody...I am sorry if you felt we were and I should have said nicer things to you before...

What to do... We were out of sync... But it does not mean I did not acknowledge the painstaking efforts you may have taken which I am not aware of in your life to build yourself as I would have appreciated those who have the means to get where they want to be... I remember having been there for you in my own ways, giving you words of strength, seldom criticizing you coz that is what I thought you needed the most. I mean if someone is falling what's the point in reminding them about how they had fallen last time. I don't do that, that's what you do, and like shit it hurts! So, if you expect roses from me when all you do is thrown thorns at me or anybody, you need to get yourself checked... I am not god even if I understand people's journey's for what it is keeping in mind the content and the context and not react to every damn stupid thing that goes around because it may well not be worth it... 

As far as the three of us are concerned, I have realized long back that we can’t be friends again. Not because they created a rift in our friendship or not because now they are trying to even the scores (although it irks me like shit... they trying to getting in touch with me)..., but, simply because they saw to it that I am cut off from all the things that I loved. They socially humiliated and isolated me to an extent that I lost my work which I so loved, my friends and most of the things I have cherished in life. Unfortunately, they were also successful in influencing others whom I tried to seek help from by priming them with lies and it caused me a lot of trouble, humiliation, and emotional and physical perturbance. It's been ongoing for four years now and I am frustrated with it. They are nothing but bullies and I will prefer dying of the exhaustion that I have faced cause of them and others..., but never go back.

I am grateful that I wasn't the victim because I have resisted all the ugly fallout and have been righteous in the best way possible all throughout. Yet, whatever remains and, which I will face gracefully cannot happen with them being present in my life. Hence I want to walk away.

My life is my journey now on.