noa Brook

Inspirational Others

4.3  

noa Brook

Inspirational Others

Accepted

Accepted

1 min
2.0K


Accepted


As a child, I never cared about, what other people could think about me. But even though I wasn’t the „prettiest“, I had a bunch of amazing friends, that I met literally every day. I played ball in my free time and my life was kinda perfect the way it was. 

But someday, my parents started worrying about me. The only food I ate was sweet and greasy and that’s why my lifestyle wasn’t healthy at all. Every time I ate something, my mom told, that I should probably not eat that much, that I will get thick and unhealthy. At first, I didn’t care. But after a couple of times, I kinda realized that my mum was right. 

I noticed, that all of my friends were way thinner than me and that was the time I also observed that I had to change something. But I guess I wasn’t the only one who noticed that I wasn’t as pretty as my friends have been. Because once 5th grade started and we all got to a different school, I didn't have friends anymore. My old friends introduced their self’s to other people and didn’t really care about me…And me? I was way too shy to talk to somebody. Did I act differently once I hated myself?

People started laughing about me when I walked alone along the School, I was the con-tempted student. I guess they loathed me from the moment they saw me for the first time. I wasn’t mad at them, it was just the prejudice they learn to have, against thick people, wasn’t it? 

Every time I didn’t play ball I was eating, literally every time. I felt like, food was my only friend. Besides my marks started getting extremely bad and I finally decided to change schools. That was a pretty good decision. It made my life a lot better. I had friends at my new school and was in a way better mood than I have been before. But the problem I was hunted by, was still that I didn’t like myself. In fact, I hated myself and it got worse every single day. 

At school I heard about people having Anorexia and Bulimia, generally eating disorders. Our teacher told us about it and I was shocked, at first. But after a long process of thinking I sort of wished to be like one of these people... I didn’t know this time that stopping to eat and being thin, doesn't automatically makes you happy. Because all I could think about was, how to get as skinny as all of my friends have been, or even thinner. I didn’t want to be the big-girl anymore.

At about the same time my Dad started going on a diet. He told me a lot about Calories, Fat and about having a healthy lifestyle. I was very impressed, once I saw how much weight he lost in such a short period of time. People complimented him and wanted to reach the same goal as he did. So did I. He was my role model. 

Concurrently my brother and my mum started to make remarks that I should lose some weight either, my mum kept talking about healthy food and tried to convince me to eat healthy stuff. Once I proudly said how much muscle I gained, after doing a workout, my brother said laughing and kind of with a scornful look, that there was only fat. I went to my room and cried. I cried a lot this time because I wanted to lose weight but I felt like, I am not strong enough to do so. No one ever saw me crying, I didn't want them to see me as I saw myself. 

I started to make a weekly plan, what I’m allowed to eat and how much sports I need to do to lose weight. First, it didn’t work, at all. But I started trying even harder until I lost my first 2 pounds and even though no one noticed, that I started being on a strict diet, I was proud of myself and I started eating even less than I did before, to get better results.

I did so for round about 4 months and subsequently was a bit happier with myself. Once I started eating normal again (but still way healthier than I did before) my stomach started to hurt really bad, I felt sick and kind of wasn’t „able“ to eat anymore. It was also the time when both of my grandpas died. I was overwhelmed. All these thoughts in my headhunted me all day long. Death, being thin and getting accepted, most specifically getting accepted by my mom and family, those people, who seemed to be disappointed in me because of my weight for my entire life. 

I couldn’t control anything of these things. You can ´t stop people from dying. You can’t force someone to like you. And you also can’t require from others to be proud of you if you haven’t done anything. The only thing I was able to steer, was my eating habit. It made me feel like I had everything under control again. So I decided to keep going with my diet since I couldn’t eat cause of my stomach problems anyway.

But now people noticed that I had lost a lot of weight, especially my mom. I ate only 300 kcal per day. I was very proud of myself but she got scared about me and went with me to a bunch of doctors until we got to a hospital to get a gastroscopy. They found out that I had inflammation in my stomach. No one ever knew the actual cause of it, except me. I knew that I was thinking too much about my appearance and that your psyche can affect your health status more than anything. But you can ´t just change your thoughts. In addition, my mum had already worried enough about me. The fact, that I wasn’t “normal” would have burdened her even more. People also thought that the death of both of my grandpas was the only thing, responsible for my issue. I was glad they thought so, so I didn’t have to explain anything. I think I will never gather the courage to talk about it with anyone. Definitely not in the near future

The relationship between me and my friends started to suffer from my perfectionism. I started being in very bad moods because I was starving all day long and never wanted to meet with them. I also did a lot for school this time. I wanted to be smart and skinny. I wanted people to think that I am perfect.

One day one of my best friends asked me if I was anorexic because she noticed that I was already a way to skinny. But I denied it. I kept saying that I wasn’t able to eat. That I would eat if I wouldn't have the inflammation. That’s what I told everyone. And that's how I tried to convince myself too. I still don’t think that I had an eating disorder. It’s just, that I didn’t understand this time that people didn’t want me to be like that. The reason I wanted to be skinny wasn’t that I thought it’s prettier, not at all. But I thought that I need to show all the people who called me fat, that I am not.

A week after week passed by and I got thinner and thinner. And with it, the people I was surrounded by even more worried. But after 3 months of taking medicine and swallowing tablets, the inflammation got back and my pretext not to eat was gone. 

The first days of eating normal again had been horrible. People forced me with their looks to eat. I thought that they were just jealous. I mean, that’s what they wanted me to be like, what told me for my whole life. That’s at least what I thought. I was able to watch how I gained weight again. The weight I worked so hard to lose came back faster than I expected. I still hadn’t eaten as much as the people in my upheaval but my metabolism was used to 300 kcal.

And with every pound, I gained I lost the motivation to lose weight again. And that was the time when I started drinking. 

It was Halloween when I drank alcohol for the first time. My friends and I went to a party, where I literally knew nobody. Drinking somehow gave me the courage to talk to other people. Life seemed to be so much easier when I was drunk. I got friends with so many people this night and even though I can't remember everything, I know that it was quite fun.

I and my friend Latisha were both drunk and decided to go back home. On our way, we met two intoxicated boys, which took care of us and safely brought us home. This might sound very harmless to you, but I fell in love this night, with one of these boys, called Jack. He gave me his number and we texted each other all day. I didn’t realize that he was bad for me. I was blind in love. Jack took drugs continuously and everyone except for me knew it.

I started meeting him and we got a couple. I lost weight again. I was glad about it, but this time it wasn’t on purpose. I just didn’t have time to eat, since I was with him every minute a day. He was one of those street kids. Those, who spend their entire free time on the streets. That was why we walked a lot through the blogs of the city. I guess that was another cause of my fast weight loss. 

I’m not proud of the time I was with him but I would lie if I would say that I wasn’t happy. He made me extremely happy and made me feel loved again. I can’t even explain how thankful I am. He gave me back the confidence I had lost a couple of years ago but he also got me into something different.

We were a couple for only one month. That was the time, I realized how he actually was and that he is just not the “one”. But simultaneously I was still friends with his friends, which means that I had still a lot to do with people taking drugs, drinking, smoking and stealing. 

I don’t know why I never completely ended up the Friendship with them. I suppose I have just always felt comfortable in their presence. Because they never judged me for what I look like or what I say, they just accepted me the way I am. The first couple of months, I met them a lot. It is mind-blowing how much I did wrong this time and how often I boozed. But with the time I got way better with the people at my school and also very close with my old friends. I started going to the gym to get healthy again and also started to eat healthier. It made me happier than I have ever been before. I finally got to the point of view that being happy has nothing to do with your look but with your character and your outlook on life. Everyone has his ups and downs but let me tell you something: 

There will always be people who do not like you, doesn't matter where you're or what you do. You could try to be perfect your entire life, but there will always be someone who is funnier, prettier or smarter than you. Furthermore, everyone has a different idea of a „perfect“ person. So you would hunt a goal, which is impossible to reach. Start accepting yourself the way you are, because you are beautiful. Start giving love to yourself because being happy is worth more than anything will ever be! 

Accept yourself!

Love yourself ❤️ 


Rate this content
Log in

More english story from noa Brook

Similar english story from Inspirational