A Lockdown Diary

Quarantine life:

Good morning ... It's 8:23 by my watch. And I have completed my breakfast. Another day of loneliness or you may call I love to be alone now. I exactly have no friends around. And all theses are coz of my parent's blessings. But the good thing is I learned to handle myself. But everything has its own limit. I don't know what's going to happen next. I never had any habit like maintaining a diary so I don't know whether I could complete this or not........ Now life is in these four walls where most of the time I fail to discover myself. This atmosphere inside the four walls has changed me a lot.….... We all new to learn how to enjoy life all by ownself and having a good day without depending on others. During this lockdown all, I discovered that I enjoy writing and expressing through it. Well, I forgot to mention what this lockdown means…. It's a huge word, came up newly in our dictionary. Hahaaa this 2020 had got more stuff like this to teach…. Basically what we all do is, keep ourselves locked into our own respective homes. We all fighting a pandemic…Oh God I even hate to discuss it…That's it I'm sorry but I can't speak more about it coz I hate this situation where we all are tucked. Writing is moreover a passion to me yet I don't have any plan like keeping it as a profession. I just enjoy expressing my feelings, my emotions, and my thoughts through writing. I love to work on myself and guess what!! Today I got a podcast, a motivating podcast to listen and it really worked. Yes, I got motivated by listening to it. I think you guys should also try, it's uncut Kritika. It's so worthy. I discover many things like you can't be motivated at a few hours but you need to feed yourself for many days. Today like I don't know why but I was missing my friends. I guess everyone does. Though we can call or text our friends, those hangouts would always be unforgettable. We all are waiting eagerly for the atmosphere to be normal. But unfortunately, I have a lil different story. For me, the situations during these lockdown days and those before lockdown are somewhat similar. I don't have any such close friends now. So I decided to find a new way by which I can share my experiences, emotions, fears, thoughts. And guess what?? Yesss through writing or to be more precise through theses platforms like mirakee and your quotes. I firmly thank mirakee and your quotes for giving me such an opportunity to express what's within me. Though my English is not so good, I try my level best to make everyone who's reading this, understand.

Everyone in life is fighting a battle. It's not easy every time to be just fine with themselves. Sometimes we just need to expressive and do whatever gives happiness or satisfaction. I get satisfied when I could express myself. So friends who are doing this for them go ahead. All the best for your journey. I used to spend most of my time sleeping and resting. As a result, this fear of loneliness engulfed me like anything. I gained weight. I had no connection with my friends. I am speaking about that time when our prime minister just announced the lockdown. And a time came when I totally stopped any kind of interaction with my family. I was only trying to live and see my past memories but at that time I didn't consider that as anything call like the past. Psychologist says that we need to know ourselves and we can easily do it by capturing our thoughts and our emotions. Hence I got into this process of knowing my own self. A few months ago, I had a mental breakdown or suffering from severe anxiety. My past memories haunted like anything.......I don't know it will be fine or not if I share this......I had a breakup. And at times I really felt the reason behind this break up was so mean...With whom I was in an affair is of a different religion from mine. My parents couldn't accept it anyway. They called that guy and insulted him like anything. I was just sitting, helplessly crying...... It's not like they didn't warn us but I thought I would bring a change in the...I would make them understand, life is so great than just concentrating and creating differences among people around. I wanted to shout aloud and describe "My love is something more than you people think it to be ". They warned me of contacting that guy again. If I try to communicate with him, his future would be destroyed. My eyes filled with guilt. I was so stuck that I couldn't even speak a word. I couldn't even pretend to be fine. I or we had to move out. All those dreams, all those hopes were shattered. I totally lost faith in my life. Sometimes I cry, outburst like anything. I don't know what impact I'll be holding to whosoever is reading this. I was completely broken. Well !! I still sometimes confuse whether to hate it or hold onto it. Whenever I wanted to find my peace in my own way, my bad luck always interrupted and took away everything. I have always tried to keep those people safe whom I have loved the most but turned up harming them. I don't know whom to blame or what to do. I lost everything. I turned out to be that person who doesn't fit anywhere. I hate staying alone but life had never missed an opportunity to make me lonely in every way. I feel so depressed, so devasted that sometimes it's like I'm losing it.....yeah I'm losing all my hopes. If it's triggering you anyway, I'm so sorry. You can just stop reading, I totally understand. We are living in such a society where people create a wall of differences on the basis of anything like the cast, gender, or even religion all by themselves. Judging others sometimes becomes their one and only priority in this huge world. Our society still doesn't accept people with different religions from them. If you dare to love someone who doesn't belong from your religion, it would certainly be a crime. This is what we learned from this society.