Touch-Me-Nots

Help me. Remind me why I'm here

Because I've been trying to

Find reasons

And none is as compelling

As the urge to bury myself

In leaves and soil

And twigs and rubbish

Not flowers, because then I would

Be of value

And how can a plant

That has stopped wanting to breathe

Be covered in flowers

Which only speak of life?

If I start saying "life" over 

And over

And over again

Will I magically start wanting to stay?

Will I end up facing the sun

For sunshine

Instead of expecting it to

Burn my eyes forever?

There is hurt, here, in me

That band-aids are 

Failing to even touch.

These people in white coats

And black spectacles

Look tired of reading

Me poems and hoping that

Gravity stops pulling my tears down

Gravity is pulling me down.

Making me stick to rock solid earth

When I only want to

Leave it all behind

And rise like smoke

After burning my own self off.

I am the petal that 

Has dried up 

And can no longer hold on

I am the branch that 

Has been cut down

And can no longer pray

To not fall off

I am the leaf that

Has lost its lustre

And can no more beg to be

Carried along.

But they don't let me go either

And I'm so tired of asking them why.

I am startled by a soft voice

Amidst the noise shouting at me to smile

The noise forcing me to be normal

The noise pulling out meaningless words

From my mouth

When all I want in to be silent

Because my silence seems to

Communicate everything that words

Cannot. Will not.

My silence becomes everything that my words cannot.

Give me reasons to not forget

Why I ever wanted to be here

In this moment

Because right now

I only know

I want to be picked up

And thrown off the ledge

Into nothingness.

If I could exchange flowers

For some relief

I'd bring them 6 feet worth

Of daisies

Of sunflowers

Of roses without thorns

Just so their memories of me

At least smell nice

Despite all the pain I've caused.

All the pain I've thrust into their palms

Like a hedgehog they never wanted to adopt.

Maybe I'm the hedgehog

That hurts them unknowingly

Every time they want to come close

And embrace me.

Love me.

Touch me softly and say

That things will heal.

Maybe the next time I want

To hurt myself 

I'll pull out my own thorns

And thrust them back in.

I'd like to see how

Poetry takes that pain away.

I'm still waiting for those reasons

And maybe I'll go on waiting

'til they bury me

Finally

In a universe

Of touch-me-nots.