Striving

When conflict arises

I usually shy away

Was always inclined to

Either run away

Or hide behind someone else’s skirts

That was my strategy

For so long

That now, when I'm older

I feel like doing the same

But now it’s time to face them

Perhaps that is why I delved into stories

Immersed myself in them

So completely

That now, when I have to face the music

I’m struggling to reach the surface

My mind barring me

From leaving the daydreams

I know I have to step into reality

An old coping mechanism

Now a noose on my abilities

And all my future prospects

A diversion from my scholarly duties

Slowly choking even my most feverish dreams

I know that I paint a grisly picture

But this is a testament

To my flagging mental strength

I tell so many

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fibs to keep up

The facade of normalcy

And not divulge the saddening truth

They make me feel ashamed and repentant

It has become an endless cycle

And each time, the wheel spins faster

Closer to self-destructive disaster

I need to shore up strength

Build up blocks

And increase my inner and physical strength

Put an end to the vicious cycle

And focus on the means to reach the ends

Get a grip on myself

And my mind with its tempting deviations

Resist and banish them all

Let only focus permeate the hollows left by them

And so, I put a foot on the right path

Take a step in the right direction

And ignore the tempting sideways forks

On every other bend in the road

And hope for all hope,

That this time,

For all time,

I stick it out.