Belonging

It seems I've waited all my life

For the sense of belonging

Of knowing I am an exclusive part

Of a clique

That won’t leave me and move on

 

Of having that sense of security

That one gets from only most dependable friends

That I won’t lose my exclusivity

Or my importance

 

This is a teenage phase that

One leaves in college

There, it becomes something else

I've been waiting for it to happen

 

It is so much harder to find

Than with family

And so much easier to lose

Than to keep

One has to bear the brunt

Of fickle human nature

If you don’t keep up

You won’t have a future

With them

 

It was easier in the past

When I had the future to look forward to

But now that I'm in the future,

The hurt is harder to ignore

The next phase of life

Won’t be the same

I can’t console myself

That I might have a chance again

Maybe that is the end

Perhaps the family is all I will lean on

But who am I to say that they’re not enough?

Perhaps distance plays the part

In pulling me apart

Between stealing myself to move on

And ignore the hurt, not take it in too deep

And feeling forlorn, lost and lonely

 

I may be alone

But I shouldn’t have to feel alone

And that’s where the mind goes numb

And acts dumb

By letting situations so affect me

When I need to be stronger and not lean

 

Of course, I know that it’s bad posture

That walking tall and straight

Will help in the far away future

 

Human nature is co-extensive

We gravitate to those who are near

Especially when our dear

Are not mere feet away

 

And of course, the thought of a lonely existence

Drives the most hard-hearted to drink

After all, it is human nature

Of wanting

Needing

And waiting to belong

 

Every scant few months

I take the chance to have it fulfilled

And go back to the same lonely place

Only to leak out

The contentment

Built every single slow second

During the respite, I could get

 

And then again, I go back to fret

On what I perceive

To be a lonely existence

Though so hard I try

To fit in

In some way, just a little bit,

At least a foot in the door

Then standing outside the gate

Not even able to unlatch

The resistance I face

 

It wears on one

To keep looking in

From outside the window

The outsider wanting to get in

Hoping to be an insider

And not be so easy to ignore

To not have to constantly try

To be a part

And not just watch

Like a member of an audience

In a dark, empty theatre

Where all the audience

Actually became a part of the play

And yet you had to stay

Couldn’t join

And were kept away

 

Hope always postpones itself to the future

And resigns itself to a dreary and endless existence

It itself waits and hopes

For the day it can come true

 

I grow weary

Of echoing the same tune

The present is pleasant enough

To soothe wherever it burns

 

After all, isn’t this life imperfect and meandering?

As long as we are still

Not handling

Our circumstances so well,

It continues to teach

Through love and pain,

Loss and regret,

Joy and sorrow,

All the while hinting,

At a better tomorrow

 

Now I have to learn

To take everything with a pinch of salt

As lessons learned to help some other time

Forgive me first

To face those who wouldn’t

And not gnash my teeth about them

 

Everything that happens in life

Happens for the best

Don’t worry about the rest

Calm your mind

Heal your heart

Dust yourself off

Be strong and unwavering to face them

With firmly planted feet

Take what they dish out without faltering

And dish it back at double the pace

 

Everything will be A-okay!