Not Meant To Be

It's blissful. To listen to the pitter-patter of the raindrops, as I jot down my class notes. It's calm and it's beautiful. Or so I thought.

Actually, it is easy to condole oneself with such thoughts. It is easy to fool myself, that life is just as beautiful and free as these falling drops of rain. Deep down, I'm bounded and conflicted. 

My parents are pretty busy almost all the time, and I'm often left out at home. It was good until Stacy, my kitten was with me but they even chased her away from me. I've been lonely ever since. They want their son to be the best. One might say, that's what every parent wants. But no, it's not the same. They wish I become the epitome of perfection, which is not even possible. They say they love me, that can be true, but understanding me? It's all a bluff. Sometimes it feels sickening, how oblivious they are about my miseries. They don't even realize that their burden of expectations, pulls me down to the ground, making me unable to stand up again. And lonely, very lonely.

For the past few years, I have been cramped up in my room. I'm not allowed to go out unless it's school. No one comes to meet me, I'm not allowed to meet anybody either. It's just me and my books every time. I have heard people saying, I'm sick. And utterly crazy. Very naturally, my dad came up with the idea of locking me up. While my mom believed, this will make me focus more on the natural way of life and I won't get distracted anymore. Even at school, I have seen my mates avoiding me, treating me like air.

Am I really so sick that even the barest of contact would contaminate their whole being? I don't know what it is honestly, but all I know is, that it all started with that mere confession.

Yes, a confession. There was this guy I met at my violin classes. He was pretty and handsome. He looked just like a flower boy. I had instantly taken a liking towards him. My heart would beat fast, every time our eyes met. At first, I had thought, it might be love. But we were merely twelve years old, so I let that thought slide. I was rather attracted, deeply attracted to this beautiful boy. I wished to befriend him and let him know how I felt. So I took that brave step and spilled everything I had in my mind. 

"You're not a girl. You're a boy. How can you like me? Disgusting!", were the exact words that came as a reply.

I didn't know what was wrong with it. To me, it was as natural as a person picking a beautiful flower from a garden of many. We don't look for its nature and sex when we do so, we just simply pick what gets our attention. Sadly, I didn't know the world had a different set of rules for humans.

But this very incident had spread in school like wildfire. Everybody knew about my deed and I soon came to be known as 'The guy who likes boys'. 

That time, my parents took a toll on me. I had never seen them so furious ever in my life. They often visited the school since then while I stayed back home. After about a month, when I was finally allowed to meet my friends in school, I was over cloud nine. But back in school, it was a whole different story. I wasn't allowed to sit with anyone, more like no one wanted to be with me and I was told to attend school only once a week. I knew it was my parents' deed. They were rich af, and my school very obviously abided by their orders.

Everyone looked at me weirdly and no one wanted to be my friend. I have not been with a pal for such a long time. Maybe, my life could return back to normal if I had not refused their idea of dating a girl. If I had not insisted them believe my discomfort of being with a girl, maybe I could have friends.

Nevermind.

That is my past. While at present, I have only this one guy in my mind. Brian Smith. 20 years old. A transferred student. He looks ethereal, and very handsome when he is in his basketball jersey. And.. he is the only one who has been kind to me ever since that incident. My heart beats erratically at his mere touches and his little jokes. This time, I wonder if it's really just attraction. If one would ask, I would definitely say it's more. We are in the same class and we sit together and although I am interested in him, I was quite happy with just friendship. I didn't want all of those events to repeat with me. I have already had enough.

But the situation took a different turn last week. I was having lunch alone when he came and proposed to me in private. YES! HE LITERALLY ASKED ME OUT!

I could be the happiest person on earth if I had not rejected him straight. Now, my innumerable sighs won't bring that moment back; and it's a pity.

"Jake Davis! Come down right now! We need to talk!"

Brian?!

The familiar voice broke me out of my stupor. So I looked down from my window to check. And indeed, it was him! 

It was still drizzling outside. I ran down the stairs and unlocked the door to let him in. At my sight, he hugged me all of a sudden. Now that I was close to him, I can say, his body feels heavy and he reeks of alcohol. He must have been drinking.

"Why won't you love me Jake?", He sniffed.

His words break my heart. I do love him! But how can I pave the way for his suffering? I like him genuinely, but my acceptance would bring him nothing but loneliness. He will be outcasted by everyone just like me! And I can't let that happen. 

"You're drunk, Brian."

He whiffed his body out of my embrace and visibly glared at me with his hooded eyes. He must be crying for a long. The redness of those teary orbs proves it well.

But.. am I able to do anything? I really wish to change our fate. I wish to hold him now and kiss away his tears but I am helpless. The people here.. won't let us live peacefully. For them, its not LOVE if it's Us. It can only be love if it is a GUY and a GIRL. But what about us? Are the ones like us just too sick to realize the normality? This heteronoramativity, they think is the rule of the world, while it's nothing but a way to torture us. Just because we have a different choice, just because we pick flowers of our own kind and not something different, like everyone else in our surroundings, we are unacceptable. Maybe, they are right. The ones like us are indeed sick, very sick of the society which is at its standstill, unwilling to make changes. We are sick. We are disgusted and are helplessly in love with people we can't have. It is tiring.

"I love you, Jake. Don't you like me even a little bit?", The exasperated voice expresses nothing but pain.

"I do.."

"What?"

"Go back, Brian. Don't come back. We aren't meant to be happy."