WHAT DO I WANT?

Today, I have put in an application for divorce. At the same time, I have also decided to weed out Jatin from my life. I have decided to dedicate my life to my work. I have set up a clothing brand that will sustain itself. I am doing this because both the men I have been with have not given me WHAT I WANT.

However, things were not always like this. Some years ago, I was a married woman with all the luxuries that money can buy, at my feet. I was living in a spacious apartment, had a well-trained chef at my service and had a wardrobe full of the latest designer labels to wear, at my disposal. I took international trips with my girl gang. My husband, Jerome, brought me pearls from Australia, gold from Dubai and cosmetics from France. For any woman who wanted such luxuries, it was a perfect life. I did not want them. Therefore, I was unhappy. I will tell you how it all started.

My husband Jerome and I met through common friends. Although we were as unlike, as chalk and cheese, we fell in love at first sight. He was the classic tall, dark and handsome man and I the happy go lucky, free spirited woman. We were profoundly and irreversibly in love with each other. Our days started by greeting each other a good morning and our days ended in each other's arms. Our common friends envied us as we did not include them in our plans. Our parents almost disowned us for not spending enough time with them. We were so happy with each other that we were oblivious of the presence of anybody else in our lives.

However, slowly and steadily, things began to change. As Jerome's business started booming, he started getting busier. We moved into a bigger house, but that house was always empty. We seldom spent time in each other's company, in that house. Jerome's prosperity made me bigger in terms of size. I grew from S to XL. I wondered whether that was the reason why Jerome was no longer attracted to me. Surprisingly, a couple who could not get their hands off each other spent one whole year without getting intimate with each other. Was this a signal of a change in our relationship status? Was Jerome already bored of me?

As the days passed, Jerome's withdrawal grew like weeds on a neglected tomb. It covered my void completely. Unfortunately, I found out that he was having an affair. I realized this when he started lying to me about his whereabouts, he kept his phone switched off for hours without giving any clarifications. I was not allowed to ever touch his phone or to question him about the women he met. A bundle of crisp notes was flung on my bed a day before any special occasion. "Is Rs 20,000 enough? Let me know, if you want more," would be his answer to my probing questions about his whereabouts and his activities.

Like any other woman, I started feeling lonely. During those days, I was waking up just before noon lunching on a whole cheese burst pizza and having tubs of ice cream for dinner, at night. Slowly, there came a day when I could not fit into a week-long kurti. This was when it hit me hard. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to reform. I wanted desperately to get back to shape. The same shape that I was in, when I married Jerome. I changed my daily routine. I started waking up at 6 am in the morning. I started doing exercises which I knew from my school days.

When things did not seem to improve, I decided to hire a personal trainer and start working out with him. When I informed this to Jerome, he said, "That is a great idea". From that day, I started working out daily at 7 am with Jatin, my personal trainer. Jatin was a male and he had a good bod. Being a woman, this provoked me to get into shape. Initially, I had a professional relationship with Jatin. He wrote down a diet plan, which I followed. I never missed my gym sessions. Within 3 months of hiring Jatin, I lost 10 kilograms and regained my lost confidence.

Jerome commented on my being regular at the gym. However, I refused to pay heed. I was too focused on looking and feeling good. After five months of knowing Jatin, I decided to invite him home for a floor workout. After the workout, we both had coffee together and chatted about our individual lives. That was the first time I opened up to someone about my strained relationship with Jerome. I was surprised why I did it in front of Jatin, in the first place. However, I did not know why it had to be Jatin, of all people.

One day, Jatin gathered courage and asked me the question that I dreaded. He said, "I struggled to gather courage, but, today I had to ask you this." "I've been listening to your miseries for a long time now. However, I do not think I can change things for you. What I can do is to make you feel special for an entire day." I could not remember the last time when someone had been so kind to me, even if it was for his or her own selfish reason. From that day onwards, he became something more than a mere trainer did.

When Jerome went to Europe the following month, Jatin invited me to come over to his house. Jatin had done up his place beautifully. He invited me to see the place. He had prepared a healthy dinner and he poured us some wine. On that day, things went just as I expected. After thee long years, I let a man, other than Jerome, touch me, go down on me, and make love to me. I had a beautiful night after a very long time. Little did I know then that it would be the first of many nights I would spent with Jatin.

From then on, whenever Jerome was on a business trip, Jatin and I spent almost every night together. More time with each other meant more fights. When I cooked for him, he turned up late from work. When I called him, in the middle of a training session, he would disconnect the call. Unknown to me, I had started getting very possessive of him. I could no longer tolerate him helping another woman with her stretching. "Are all other instructors dead?" I would say. I suspected him for getting too close to other women at work, crashed the gym unannounced and spied on him all the time.

This routine went on for eight months. My husband, Jerome, was already miles from me, both emotionally and physically. I was having an affair with my gym instructor who seemed to be using me for my physical and financial assets. Finally, one day, I decided to put an end to this roller coaster, by initiating a serious conversation with both the men in my life. This serious conversation made me aware of the fact that Jatin could not marry me. His family was already looking for suitable girls for him to marry. Jerome, only wanted a namesake wife. He always said, "As of now, my work is my priority, but, I will make sure you get what you want".

Sadly, both of them did not ask me WHAT I WANTED. Therefore, I dropped them both together. I wanted the thrill of achievement. I wanted to be a professional. I wanted to earn my own money and burn it, the way I wanted to. I did not want to depend on anyone. Therefore, I decided to dedicate my life to my designer brand, which I had created, out of nothing.