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Romaisa Jan



Romaisa Jan


X Or Ex?

X Or Ex?

7 mins 208 7 mins 208

Taking the last sip of coffee from my 5th cup, I looked at the watch hanging lifelessly, though continually vexing me with its tick-tuck; it said 3:14 AM!

Damn! At 12:10, I started writing this letter and even after 3 hours; I am not finding proper combination out of 26 English letters that could fill the blank beside the word addressee.

No! I need to think, I need to put some questions… I need to answer some. Who is he to me?

Is he my life, my breaths, my beats, the sound of my life? Damn!

In all my frustration I put a cross over the 3 hours written letter…putting it under the table I opened my Anatomy book and tried to concentrate. I would have been repeating a single line some 30 times, without the sense how to do we understand!!! Because still in some corner of my brain it was pulsing that word addressee I had to leave blank in my letter…

I closed my Anatomy book with a bang! Dragged back that letter and what was this? The most absurd thing I did was my actual answer what I was trying to find… Incredible!

In all 26 letters, only the letter ‘X’ complimented that dash!

Well, it was as important to me as it was to roentgen; he knew the importance of those rays but not the word to describe them. Now this word ‘X’ was as crucial to me as it was to roentgen for his discovery of ‘‘X’-rays’’

Hmm… I got my laptop, pasted each and every word in the mailbox with his ID at the top oh… actually Mr X!

In my excitement, I quickly clicked on the send option without knowing it was not dawn yet. The clock has just struck at 4:30 Am. He will be still snoring in the worst nightmare of the worst event when my father caught me with him and he left me alone to defend with the most tangled man in this world by quoting Zehra ‘your father.’ It is because of all that I burnt the midnight oil just to let him know that we could not continue all that we did, we have to change the format of our relationship, we have to! At any cost!

He just got a pop-up sound saying: “It’s a mail from Zehra subjected “Mr X.” He got out of his bed and gave a bang on my number. I knew he is the one who understands me the most…I knew he would agree with me in these complex situations. I answered the call just on 2-3 rings. I started with a hopeful hello. He continued by saying, "please tell me this is a nightmare!" "No, this is a reality," I replied, "Was it a joke that you had been doing yet? Was my love worth of the word Ex…? No... I felt a strong urge to tell you. I hoped you with a positive answer but I never knew you will be so negative towards me." Angrily he said, "how come it’s possible for me to have a positive answer! Is this the time you were waiting for? So far you have been playing tricks on me and see my foolishness I took it as your love!" "Hey, I didn’t mean that!" I tried to defend but the call ended up. I tried twice or thrice but it sounded the number you are trying to reach is currently switched off! And it was a pause to everything, a pause of my breaths, a pause to beats and a start to endless tears! I wept and wept till the last darkness of that night... I yelled inside me No… He is there…He can’t…He’s there…That whole day was as dark as the night I spend on my study table!

A day before, 9 years would pass this incident. Google assistant reminded him of this meeting I had fixed 9 years before to have a new start, a start where there would be no issues, no breakups, no tortures, just a happy relationship. He thought and went into that mail who he had left unread since last 9 years... There I had not asked him to end up the relationship. I had just asked him that we cannot remain in contact, we can’t meet, we can’t chat, we can’t see each other by executing silly ideas... just because I have to keep the promise I made to my father of leaving him from my life. But there lied a truth nobody knew yet. I can’t leave him from my heart ever!

In these 9 years. I had reached to the heights of skies I had become a doctor and because of the discovery of Medicine for Rheumatoid Arthritis which my elder sister was facing since last 20years. I was nominated for the noble prize in physiology…

The time hasn’t stopped. The success was not bound for both of us but… the pinch of that phone call he made for the last was still there. The silence of my free time used to knock me into that pain I had that moment but every time an inner voice came to me and said: “we will unite one day”…

Was this the destiny of that inner voice or was this the love calling both of us because in these 9 years there were no calls, no chats, no roses, no gifts but still the love was there in both hearts…It was the day…when these 9 years completed… I thought and thought whether I should go, whether he will be there or not… whether he would accept me again as used to... these were the questions whose answer could only be answered by him…

He was in the pain that's why...why didn’t he read that mail that day… She was never a deceiver… She never meant what I took it as! … Bullshit should I now go and see if she loves me, would she come after having such a disastrous end to that love!

I went to Paris to see him at Louvre museum… Reaching Paris, I board my car towards the museum in the way I remembered all the art pieces he made for me and started hunting for a sketch of me he made... It was there as safe as his love in my heart... I drew into that sketch till driver quoted “your destiny Ma’am.” I got out of the car, closed my eyes for a second, tried to remember his figure because this was the thing I never remembered yes… I don’t remember his picture ever not now even! I went into the finest art gallery to look for him... He was there before me... I looked into his eyes and found love in his eyes for me…floating in the form wetness that he holds in with all his defensive powers! I hold myself and walked up to him… said greetings and we shared the same couch… I had nothing to tell! My brain frosted… I could just smell him in my breaths…

He holds my hand and in his voice of disguise, he said: “I never understood you! It’s all because of this. I have no language to explain to you what I feel right now…but I know as always you’ll understand me…I know as always you visited my heart through the window of eyes and learnt everything at the first sight!" I slipped out my hand from his and said "whatever you did that day is my past what notes is, you are here right now for me… In all these 9 years… I had hope that this will happen. You’ll come leaving every job undone, leaving everything behind to reach me… this proves that you had been mine even in these 9 years when I knew nothing about you. Same as it was since we fell for each other and because of your shy nature you were not able to express for 4 years but the love was there in both hearts pure and safe like for this time… I missed you… I missed you a lot…" I caged him in my arms...and as always I was able to listen to his beats calling my name… Zehra…

While we were holding each other tightly he told me… "Now are you ready to become Mrs X?" I tightened my grip and he understood it was a yes from my side…He planted a kiss on my forehead saying "this is a stamp of trust on you for all times to come… This is the time I was waiting for… 

I used to tell you naa… I want a time when there would be no need of keeping your phone number to reach you…

Now the question remains Zehra how you would introduce me to your father as Mr X or … as ‘Qusia’..."

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