When love surpasses reason

When love surpasses reason

“I want you to come atleast this time, cannot you manage?”

The request in Sundaram uncle’s voice really put Parimala into dilemma. It was not so that she could not manage to go there even it was little far from where she was then. But she just did not want to go. A long time back itself she forgot about her father. She was not even thinking about him now.

“After all he is your father. You have not attended his yearly ceremonies for the last four or five years. Please come atleast this time.”

“Alright uncle. I do think about it. I tell you in the evening whether I am coming or not.” After talking some more time she cut off the call.

“What your uncle said is right. After all he is your father. However much bad he behaved at one time, you may better go. Go atleast this time.” While they were taking their lunch, when Parimala broached about her father’s yearly ceremony, her husband Praveen said.

“But I just cannot feel anything for him to go there.” Parimala said. “I used to feel lot of anger towards him till two years or so back also. Now there is no feeling in me about my father.”

“Is it is not better having no feeling at all rather than feeling seething anger on him?” Praveen said. “It is a positive development. You may start feeling some love and affection also towards him gradually.”

“It never does happen like that.” Parimala said with firmness.

“Don’t talk like that. Just don’t be that much heartless.”

“You don’t know how I was treated. You are not trying to understand me.” Parimala became angry.

“He is no more. He is not alive on this day. Atleast for the sake of world around, you may better go. Don’t give a chance to the other people that you are not bothering about your own father.”

That persuasion once again put Parimala in dilemma. She started thinking.

“Mom, if you want I too do come with you.” Her daughter pallavi said.

“No, neither of you do come with me. I myself in a dilemma whether to go there or not.” After saying that she resumed her suspended eating.

“It will be atleast a change of mind for you. Go there mom. After working in the bank from morning to evening without any change for a long time, it would be indeed a great relief to you.”

Without her intent, a small smile climbed onto the lips of Parimala. She came to the decision to go there.

&&&

In the night of that day, after saying to her uncle Sundaram that she would come for her father’s ceremony, Parimala stretched herself on the bed. However much she did not like, her mind was bringing back those old days memories. How much she liked her parents, how much she depressed herself after her mother’s death, how much her father tortured her with his behavior, if this Sundaram did not come in between and looked after her education and welfare what would have happened to her?

Whether her father acted like that or that change came in him after her mother’s death she did not know, but she did not face any problem till her mother’s death. How nicely she has been looked after by her mother, how much her mother loved her, she still could remember her touch, her loving hugs. She felt so much secured with her parents in those days. She felt so much happy with her parents.

But it all came to an end by the death of her mother in an accident. Parimala was aged just twelve years then. She just could not digest her mother’s death. She suffered so much for long, long time. The change in his father did not come immediately. While she was coming out from the distress of her mother’s death, the change slowly and slowly came in her father. In the recent days of her mother’s death, her father used to be good with her. He tried to make her forget her mother. But it has become impossible to him to change her in the beginning. 

Slowly and slowly Parimala understood that there would be no use in worrying about her mother. Using the last drop of her strength, she concentrated on her studies. Her mother always used to say that Parimala should study hard and become famous in her life. That was the main reason for the change in Parimala and made her resolve to study hard and become great.

But then the change started in her father. Parimala was not that much attached to his father as she attached to her mother, but she loved him and liked him also. Parimala’s father Srikar also used to be quite good to her always. But what really got a change like that in him? she could not understand. He started yelling unnecessarily at her. He stopped giving money. He made her to do all the work in the home. He started torturing her in many ways. She just could not bear that torture at all. But when he did not agree to give her money even to pay the college fees, she did not know what to do.

Sundaram was a close friend of Srikar. He too was astonished on seeing the change like that in his friend. They both quite often quarreled because of Srikar’s behavior like that towards his daughter.

“I just don’t know why he is behaving like that.” On one day Sundaram said. “But you do have no future if you stay like this here. Come with me and I do look after you.”

On that day also there was a fight between Sundaram and Srikar. Sundaram with force took Parimala away from her father and got her joined in a college. Sundaram looked after the welfare of Parimala. Even she was studying well, even there was no problem to her future, Parimala could not feel happy. The way her father behaved with her made a big wound in her heart. She just could not forgive him at all.

Parimala’s father remained like that till his death. By that time, Parimala completed her education and could secure a job in bank also. The news of death of her father did not make her feel at all. But it was her uncle Sundaram who felt so much on hearing about the death of his friend Srikar.

“You just don’t know how much good friends we both are. I don’t know why he behaved like that with you after your mother’s death. But he is ….he is a very good person.” Weeping terribly Srikar said.

“Don’t say that he is a good person. If he is good, he would not have behaved like that at all. I am still feeling lot of anger with him. His death did not alleviate my anger towards him. No daughter after receiving such harsh treatment in her father’s hands can love him.” Parimala said. 

This incident happened one or two days after the death of her father.

“Please…please… don’t say like that” trying to control his weeping, Sundaram said.

Parimala could not control her anger on her father for a long time even after his death also. But Sundaram was performing his friend’s yearly death ceremonies and at his compelling Parimala attended those until four years or so back and she stopped going for them also.

But, she never forgot that Sundaram and the help he did to her. If he did not look after her education and welfare what would have happened to her she could not understand. In fact it was that Sundaram who found the match Praveen for her. Praveen was working as mathematics lecturer in a junior government college. Parimala married Praveen and it indeed proved very good for her.

She was trying to sleep but could not. She was not feeling anger now as she used to feel until four years or so back but she was feeling a sort of uneasiness in herself. She need to go to Sundaram’s village the day after next day itself and that village was not that much near to this place. It was not a problem to take leave in the bank but it would upset her scheduled work in the bank. She did not want to go there at all, but after her promising like that to Sundaram uncle, she could not stop going there now.

&&&

“You are living very far from our place. How many times I asked you to come to our home? Need I say we all do feel so happy if you live with our people?” After settling in the chair comfortably in Sundaram’s house, Parimala said.

Sudaram has no children and his wife deceased two years back. He was living all alone in that house. He was a retired government employee and getting pension every month with which he was making a comfortable living.

“How many times I have to tell you I am living in the house only for this house sake? Once I can sell it for a suitable price I do come there.” With a smile on his lips Sundaram said.

“You are just lying, I know.” Mocking anger Parimala said. “There is no necessity to live in this house to sell it. You can do that even while residing with us.”

“That is not easy. You know how far this village to your town.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “Moreover my attachment with this village also is like that. I born here, grew up here, played with my friends here especially with your father…. How I and your father used to be! He was extremely good, kind hearted.”

There has come a sudden change in the face of Parimala.

“You don’t like my saying so about your father. But I must say the truth. He was like that then. His family was a wealthy family comparing with ours. He helped me in completing my education. He gave me money many a time when I was in difficulties. He helped me to take coaching for competitive exams. Because of him I could get the government job. I never can forget his memories. My memories with him in this village are always so sweet to me.”

“But….” There was anger in the voice of Parimala. “Why he behaved like that with me? Why did not he show even any sympathy on me considering me atleast as a child? If you did not help me like that what would have happened to me?”

“My helping to you is in fact just like a small repayment for what your father did to me. Comparing the help I got from him what I did for you is nothing.”

Parimala hissed out heavily. “Your friend may be much great for you but he is nothing for me. I never can forget the way I was treated in his hands. Do you know I am stopped even feeling anger towards him?”

Sundaram nodded his head helplessly. “He was sort of mad I must say. Many a time I said to him it was not wise but just madness. He was stubborn and adamant just like you.”

“For what he was stubborn and adamant like that? To ill-treat me and torture me?” looking angrily into the face of Sundaram, Parimala asked him.

Sundaram hissed out heavily and said “Better we don’t go into those details now. Go into the bedroom and take rest. I have made all arrangements for tomorrow’s ceremony.”

“You never neglect that.” Before moving herself into that bedroom Parimala said.

&&&

Sundaram’s bedroom was a small but compact one just like his home itself. Even at his seventy six years age also he neatly arranged his home and his bed room also was so good to stay at. There was a maid servant who would help him in his household chores. It was quite surprising to Parimala that he still himself do the cooking.

Parimala did not feel like sleeping and she started observing the bedroom. There were two huge cupboards and she knew that they were filled with books. Sundaram’s main time pass was reading books.

Parimala was not that much of a good reader but as she could not feel like sleeping and as there was no other time pass she wanted to take one of those books out and read. She went near to one cupboard and opened that. Books were arranged neatly in that cupboard in such a way that the names on their spines can be read before taking them out. To her dismay, all the books in that cupboard were non-fiction. Whenever she read, she read mostly fiction.

She closed the doors of that cupboard and went to the other one. Books were arranged neatly in this cupboard also. She felt so happy as almost all the books in that cupboard are of fiction. She read the names on the spines of the books, selected one and took that out from the cupboard. She went near to the bed, slumped herself on that and opened that book to read. She started reading and the novel was interesting to her from the beginning itself. She was getting involvement in the book but then something dropped from the book onto the floor.

She bent and took that thing into her hands. It was an envelope and it was addressed to her Sundaram uncle. She saw on it for the ‘from’ address. Suddenly her heart beat quickened. It was addressed by her father to Sundaram. At first she wanted to put the cover in some other book in the cupboard and forget about it. She got off from the bed to do so but stopped.

She was feeling so much interested to know what her father would have written to Sundaram uncle such a long time back. She placed the book on the bed and put aside all the guilty feeling in her. She put her fingers in the envelope and felt two or more papers in it. She did not know why but her fingers shivered while she was taking those papers out from it.

Yes, that was her father’s handwriting. She looked at the date and he wrote it after one and half years or so of her mother’s death. There was no chance that she would be interrupted in this room. She clipped her inner lip between her teeth frames and started reading the letter slowly and carefully. There would be no disturbance to her. She has all the time in the world.

“Dear Sundaram,

Thank you very much for your cooperation with me. I am thinking that it works out. You are saying that it is madness and no one does think like me. You are right, I agree. I am mad.”

Parimala stopped, closed her eyes and hissed out heavily while trying to guess why her father wrote like that. She could not. It was like a big puzzle. She started reading again.

“I have to take lot of pains to soothe Parimala. She just could not forget her mother and it is quite natural. But I cannot see her distressed like that. She was breaking herself. I am feeling fear what would happen to her if she continue suffers like that for her mother. Her mother loved her so good and liked her so well in fact more than any other mother on earth. But I just cannot bear if Parimala ruined herself in her agony for her mother so. My heart is breaking watching her worrying for her mother so and I just cannot control myself seeing her weeping for her mother always.”

Parimala involuntarily paused once again. Automatically her mind brought those memories onto surface. It was true, her father tried a lot to make her come out of her grief. It was also true only because of him she could become herself again. Her mind was thinking a lot in guessing why her father turned out so. She has to force herself to continue the reading of the letter again.

“Now I am with her to console her and to make her come out of her grief. But who would be with her if I also die in the same way? Even if it is not because of some accident, I am quite sure that I die while she is young. If she developed attachment, affection on me, she worries for me also in the same way. Who will be with her to make her come out of her grief? No, I don’t like it. Her suffering like that for one time is enough. I don’t want her to suffer for the second time also. You are saying that I am thinking mad. I agree I am mad. I just cannot imagine Parimala worrying again like this. This type of agony should be last for her in her life.”

What her father really wanted to say was slowly sinking into Parimala’s mind. She did not know but tears were flowing down on her cheeks and her hands were shivering.

In the remaining letter her father was saying to Sundaram how everything should be. He wrote that he would send everything necessary for her to Sundaram and Sundaram has to give it to her. For her education and for her welfare, all the necessary funding would be done by her father but through Sundaram. Nowhere she should know that he was helping her. He wanted to remain as a villain in her eyes to save her from another agony.

“Please never let it be known to Parimala. Once again I am thanking you very much that you are helping me in this way.”

She did not know when she finished the letter but when she finished, when she knew that there was nothing more to read, she started screaming “daddy….daddy….daddy”

Just in few seconds, she started hearing heavy thumping on the bedroom doors and she did not know how she went near to them and released the latch.

“What happened my dear? Why you are yelling like that?” taking her into his hands Sundaram asked her anxiously.

Sobbing wildly she put the letter in his hands. He understood what it was as soon as he looked at it.

“You read it completely?” Sundaram asked her.

Still sobbing she nodded her head.

“Please forgive me my friend, I could not keep my promise.” Sundaram closed his eyes and tears were flowing down from his eyes also.

“But he got what he wanted. He did not make me grieve even a little for his loss. What a great dad I got! No dad in the world does think in this way. He loved me that much! How stupid I am I have mistaken him so? Please, please forgive me dad.”

All the weeping she would have had at his death, she was having it at that time. 

Sundaram remained staring at her helplessly. He just did not know what to do.