Unsaid~Unheard~Unfelt~Unkempt

"Why do you think I care?" She said, squinting her eyes.

"No, I don't think I care." He said and she looked away, smirking.

"I know that you do." He said.

"You see overconfidence is really bad for your health."

"Yes of course it is and this is exactly how I know you care." He said, with that innocent plain face that made her think twice about what he had said and she was not sure what to say next.

She rolled her eyes again, smiling, knowing that she won't like what conversation was to come next.

"So, how will you help?" He asked, bending his neck towards her, his hands folded at his back, giving her the smile he gives when he does this to her, and she felt her heart drop in her stomach.

"You know I should get going." She was about to get up when he held her hand and stopped her.

"Come on, Meera. You can't do this to me. If you've forgotten then I must remind you about the promise." 

"I don't make promises, Raj, and.." 

"Yes you don't, I know" He interrupted her, ''and you don't believe in them, I know, but this is a promise that I made to myself, from your side. And I believe in my promises and you believe in me so technically you believe in promises and so you have to keep the promise and I don't have a better logic."

"Raj, please. It's about 9 p.m. You have dinner planned. Go." She said; her voice slowly fading.

"That's true, but I don't want to go. Why are you denying to talk to me? I mean, what is the problem? I don't get it. You've been running away from me, you've stopped sharing things, and now you're even refusing to read me these. I've been after you, asking you what's wrong but you've just you know, been forcing yourself away from me."

"Raj.."

"No. I don't want this. You told me you'll be there for me."

"I'm here."

"No, you're not. I want you to be there for me even when I want you to be with me, tell me things, tell me what all is going on in that stupid mind of yours. And as a matter of fact, I know it's not just one thing, it has to be a pile of things I don't know, but I should. And this, that you wrote in your diary today, 'unsaid~unheard~unfelt~unkempt', do you think I couldn't decode?

I want to know what is it that you can't say, and no one can hear, and so can't I, and no one can feel, and so can't I, and so you're trying to ignore it? Meera look.."

"Raj, stop right there. Everything that goes on, in my life, is not about you."

"I know that, but at least you can tell me what is it? Had it been about me, I'd have known it before you."

At that very moment, when he said that he'd have known, her heart broke, into the exact number of pieces that the mirror of his room broke into, when she told him about her childhood traumas, and his hand bled, and won't stop even after immediate dressing, and a tear fell down her cheek, just like the one that fell down his when she had hugged him and cried for an hour.

"Now don't get lost in your own thoughts. Tell me what.."

"Raj, what will you do after you know it? There's nothing that you can do. And nothing that I want you to do either. Raj, I'm unable to write about it. I've crushed and torn and thrown almost the entire diary. I've broken two pens and a glass jar. Do you know what that means? That means things were meant to be this way. I don't want to tell you about any of it. Because I won't be able to. And I know it."

"Meera, you're contradicting what you always tell me. Without trying, how can you conclude that you won't be able to tell me? And what will I do after knowing it? Nothing, Meera. I'll listen to you, I'll sit with you, hold your hand, and hug you, so you can calm yourself down, and breathe, and let it all out. Meera, I don't want to be someone who even after being with you 24x7, isn't really with you. Meera, I love you. I can't see you like this."

I looked down and another tear came out. That's the thing about tears. They leave your eyes when you least want them to.

A second later she laughed and said, "Simran would've killed you had she been here."

"Oh do hell with Simran."

"Hey!" she glared at him, angrily.

"Okay I'm sorry, I know she's your best friend and.."

"No, Raj. Not because of that. But because she's your girlfriend, and you can't just do hell with her."

"Meera, let's not change the topic alright. You're an equally important part of my life. I'm not comparing people and feelings here. You don't want to tell me anything, fine. But you can at least read me your stories, it will bring peace to both of us. Why are you denying?"

"Raj, Simran must be waiting for you. She's very excited okay? Please go. I'll see you at your birthday party tomorrow. And I have something that will make you really happy! So be excited okay?"

"I'll go, but not before you read me something from in there." He handed Meera her diary.

She sighed and thought to herself - Letting some things out is very difficult, Raj. One of them is falling in love with your best friend's boyfriend, who considers you as his best friend. Another is the guilt it brings along. Another is regretting some decisions you didn't take. Another, wondering how different things would've been had you not taken the decisions you took. Another, giving everything to something and getting hatred in return. And not to forget about insecurities, inabilities to trust oneself, other people, their love and being absolutely paranoid at any and every given moment. I can keep on adding, but you see, you won't get it. Because for me, it's not just love that hurts, but also hatred. It's not just something that bothers, but everything. It's not just one person, but almost all of them. I envy poets. They have this beautiful skill of bleeding words on the white sheet as they call it, where they build this web of words that you get lost in, and cannot untangle the knots. You just perceive it the way you understand it. That way, you express yourself and no one really gets to know you. I don't know why stories don't work that way.

"Meera, Meera? Hello?"

She looked at Raj, smiled as her heart sank, remembering what all he said and opened her diary.

"You won't let go, will you?"

"No." He said, excited.

"Ohhh, oh God. Okay. Unsaid~unheard~unfelt~unkempt." She looked at him and he frowned.

"Meera you.."

"Now go." Meera got up.

"Come on come on, get up. Your girlfriend is waiting for you. Here - take these flowers for her. Bye. Goodnight." She noticed him staring at her with his deeper than oceans eyes and a disappointed face.

"Raj, don't look at me like that. It won't work. GO." Meera said, trying her best not to break out in tears.

He leaned forward and they hugged. She wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do, but she did know that she didn't want to. He kissed her head and broke the embrace.

"Happy birthday, Raj, in advance" She laughed.

"I don't want this disheartened wish and this fake laugh. It better be a wish that brings tears in my eyes and a smile that instantly wipes them of. Please take care and I'm just a call away. I love you. Bye."

Meera's heartbeat got harder, as she saw him walk away. You know like, her heart, it was trying really hard to beat, but the hard beat was hurting it but was also necessary for its survival.

She picked up her phone and texted Simran, "Hey hon, Raj has left from here. He was in his car so might take some 20 minutes to reach. All the best, have fun! Ja Simran ja, jeele apni zindagi! Xoxo"

Meera looked at the blue sky, slowly turning black as if feeling exactly like she was, hurting exactly like she was, smiling exactly like she was. She extended her hand towards it and said, unsaid~unheard~unfelt~unkempt.