Raju Ganapathy

Abstract Action Fantasy

3  

Raju Ganapathy

Abstract Action Fantasy

To Apologize or Not to Apologize

To Apologize or Not to Apologize

5 mins
188


(An excerpt from the Rediscovery of India written by Committee of Histrionics, with due apologies to Jawahar Nehru for twisting the title of his book)

Social media got buzzing with the news that the next chief guest for Republic Day, 2021 was likely to be the British PM Boorish Johnsin.

Sashi, the thorough bred gentlemen, who can teach English to the English, posed a question would Johnson apologize for the colonization of India? Twitterati posted many likes. Even the saffron brigade supported Sashi’s question. In the winter session of the parliament the opposition walked out since the government refused to deal with Sashi’s question. The inside information from R-Pub TV was that the question was considered too prickly for good relations with the erstwhile master.


But the debate refused to die. An ardent PIL lawyer of the Rs 1 fine fame filed a writ petition and requested the Court to order the government to answer the question. The question was asked in a Shakespearean style: would it or would it not ask the British PM for an apology.

The SC decided not to take up prickly issues and benched it IT company style. The bench refers to the section of a company's employees that isn't working on any project for the time being but remains on the rolls and receives regular salary.

The comedians got into act and parodied the act likening the decision to what the erstwhile ‘gagoing gone’ CJI did. The judges bristled with shame. The Attorney in general was a calm and cool man but, in this case, he leaned on the comedians and allowed a contempt petition to be filed.

A section of the social media started posing another question. Who would apologize for the Mughal rule in India? Gambit the great saffron twitter cheekily suggested the Oh I See from Hyderabad (Or to be Bhagyanagar) as he represents the last of the invaders. Oh I see was not a man to be cowed or buffaloed down so easily. He challenged anyone to make him apologize. He said it was the British who had pauperized India as during Akbar’s rule Hindustan was the fourth richest country in the world. The Committee on Histrionics (actually History) went on an overdrive to confirm or challenge this claim. The chairman almost had a cardiac arrest hearing such a claim.

Another one started the #boycottbiriyani movement. Immediately somebody else fished out a report of the FICCI study which estimated that the biriyani sales in 2018 amounted to 2500 crores. Food apps confirmed that biriyani indeed was the most ordered dish in the menu. The hashtag quickly was dropped. It was learnt that the multinational consultant Price Waterhouse Coopers had done the study. Immediately #boycott PWC started in twitter. Some twitterati claimed a Pakistani hand in the study and the projection which was an overestimate.

A great sadguru started the #everyonemustapologizetoeveryone movement. He claimed Apology is crucial to our mental and even physical health. Research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology actually affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it—blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier. He also quoted from ancient scriptures so that the message would become credible. He offered a new course on How to Apologize Effectively.

The rival guru not to be left behind started his own course and called it Art of Apology. The PM heaved a sigh of relief. Thanks to the social media the issues get diverted so easily. He said it goes on to prove his theory of minimum say with maximum impact. The cabinet ‘cowophiles’ nodded their heads in agreement.

But the neighbours caught on to it. Both their premiers said if the British PM apologized to India, he too should do the same to their own countries. The Pakistan PM went a one step further and raised the issue in OIC. The OIC issued a customary statement supporting his contention.

Kamla in US harried under pressure from the Indian sub-continent supporters issued a statement that the apology wasn’t at all a bad idea. She later retracted the statement saying what she actually meant was if you do some mistake then apologizing wasn’t at all a bad idea. She didn’t refer to the British PM as it was up to him to reflect on the Shakespearean dilemma to or not to.

In England the issue became bigger than even BREXIT. A rare unity among the immigrants from the Indian sub-continent brought the debate to the centre stage. The Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi restaurants refused to serve curry and biriyani. The Englanders felt the lack of spice in their life.

With apology getting internationalized the Swedish Committee on Nobel Prize decided to institute a prize for Apology and they said that they would consider Boris Johnson as the top contender for the prize.

The foreign ministers of both India and England got together with legal luminaries and English Professors to draft out an apology that sounded totally befuddled. The idea was to ensure that it must sound like an apology but which it was not meant to be read as such. But they have to douse the passion from both the countries and the neighbours as well. So, people who read it must get confused enough to think or not to think, it was good enough as an apology. Please find below an early draft

“First of all I must apologize that it has taken 70 plus years for a British PM to come to terms with the colonial rule and get ready to apologize. I must once again apologize to speak the truth and nothing but the truth to state unapologetically that prevailing conditions in early 18th century in Akhand Bharat was such the region was waiting to be taken by us, or by the French, or the Portugese, or the Dutch or for that matter even by Chinese. So, in fact, I must yet again apologize to state unapologetically that a rescue mission got launched by us that got botched up (I apologize for this fact too) in the process and turned into a colonizing program. Unlike the Germans, I must apologetically state, we didn’t respect the Sanskrit language and let ancient wisdoms of the region to wither away and be replaced by stupid (my apologies once again here) superstition, magic, casteism and regression in general…..

It continued for 1299 pages, the unabridged version. Some crank pointed out that the text had in total about 12990 apologies at the rate of 10 apologies per page which was considered a good enough apologetic statement.

The British PM walked away with the first Nobel Prize for Apology without Apologizing.



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