The Truth She Deserved

As the sun stared down at me, I took a deep breath as I looked around the new town I had once called home. It had changed so much since I left. The buildings were now more modern, the roads were more promising, and the air seemed... different; I couldn’t well make out if it was just me feeling this way or was it actually now a foreign place to me.

It had been ten years, one month, and 54 days since I left Iowa, and nothing had ever made me feel this out of place. The small cafe which was supposed to be there right in front of me was now replaced by an empty ground; the huge tree I used to climb was now barely a tree because of most of its parts being cut down; the small manufactured home where the old couple lived was also gone and that’s when I realized that change is something no one can evade. I myself had changed, how did I expect my “hometown” to not?

It was a bright sunny afternoon and everyone was minding their own business - busy talking on their phones, talking to the person beside them while some sat on some nearby benches and ate their lunch in silence. Everything was just so normal and common yet I couldn’t help but feel weird and uneasy.

Not that I ever felt happy or at peace here in this town ever since she left. I wasn’t someone who would revisit the past but coming back to the most important element which built my past, I couldn’t help but do.

Ever since mom passed away ten years ago, life had never been the same. Loneliness had become my friend and I hadn’t felt anything other than feeling like a living corpse. As for dad, he married his long-time mistress and started abusing me all the more with his now-wife so the only thing I looked forward to was graduation.

The bell rang; due to the pitch being too high, I actually had to sit a little more than a while before I could move from my chair. I took a glance at my watch and it read 3:50. School just got over and going “home” wasn’t an option so I decided to do what I always did - climb the tree I call my home and sit there until they slept at night. I had my spare keys with me so I could go back anytime I wanted, they couldn’t care less.

With the $10 I had in my pocket, I got two Turkish fish sandwiches and a cup of coffee when I felt hungry. My 18th birthday was in three days and graduation was in a week but to be honest, I was looking forward to my graduation more than my birthday because it wasn’t going to be any different. Constant beatings if I make a single mistake and yellings if I do something without their permission. The so-called home of mine was nothing but a cage for me where all I felt was nothing but suffocation.

Their rule of taking permission for everything was so stupid and baseless that sometimes I would wonder if it applies even for breathing.

“Your life is a favor we did to you,” That step-mom of mine would say.

“You are indebted to us.” She spat out those words with so much spite I couldn’t comprehend why.

I chewed on the sandwich as I looked up at the sky and smiled, remembering my mother - my only support who also left due to a terminal illness. Her last words to me were “keep going” and I just couldn’t kick her last words to me out of the door. I had to keep going - for her. So I did.

The surroundings were so quiet and the bench near the park was getting cold and rough, but it was all I had for now. They had strictly told me this morning to not come back before ten because they were expecting guests. All their guests and they could go and rot in hell for all I care. The years of suppressed anger and bitterness inside of me wanted to come out so bad and it wouldn’t have been a problem if it wasn’t for the anger’s new form. If I let it come out, it would come out in the form of tears, and I couldn’t afford it because if I cried now, I would fall weak and it wasn’t the right time for me to fall weak so, I did what I always did whenever I wanted to fall weak-hold back the anger and the bitterness for the sake of my mission to keep going.

I looked up at the sky once more and tried talking to the stars as an attempt to distract myself from all of the emotions I could feel inside of me when I recalled a line my mother told me when I was six - good people become stars once they die.

I sighed softly and started admiring all of them when I took notice of this one star on my left. Yes, all of the other stars were equally beautiful and shining brightly but this one brought me so much comfort and calmness without even trying. Taking it as a sign, I smiled at the star which immediately twinkled a bit letting me know I was right about what I wanted to believe in. As I took a deep breath, I said, “I will make it one day.”

I opened my eyes slowly and saw the new place again as the realization crept in that I wasn’t living here anymore and the first thing I felt was a relief. Walking up to a nearby bench as the cars sped away in a hurry and people were busy with their business, I understood why I never felt at peace here, why I felt uneasy out of nowhere and why the air seemed different.

The truth was, the air had always felt different, the place had always made me feel uneasy, there was never a time when I felt at peace here but it was just now that I was realizing everything because I revisited one day of my past just to find the answers to my questions, and now that I did, I found more than I sought for. Do I regret it? I didn’t know if I did or not.

A woman and a colleague of hers walked past me as they talked to each other, and I wouldn’t have cared so much if it wasn’t for a certain two words she said to her friend.

“Trust time.” She said as they walked away.

I pushed my spectacles upward to shift their place as I came to hand in hand with the realization – I never belonged here. That was the reason why I kept questioning everything. Yes, she sure was right. Time is the truth and at the right time, time will speak to you.

As I just sat there in silence and sighed, understanding every bit of hint from my past which I discovered by looking back... I cried. Tears fell rapidly down my cheeks as I finally listened and let my ten years old anger and bitterness out knowing that it was finally my time to be vulnerable and weak.

I made it.