The Strongest Step

It's Sunday, and the whole day around I’m sitting in front of my lonely window, gazing out, watching the world pass me by. Can a world so full of people, animals, beings truly this way? Or it's just my perceptions? I wake up every day, every day the same way. I conform to my usual routine. Shower, alone. Get dressed, alone. Eating breakfast, alone. I find company in the object around me, the newspaper keeps me about a world outside of my own, a television that makes my empty room seem full of life, a shelf of books that tell me stories of all the things I wish I could do. I leave my house every day plugged into my headphones, unplugged from the world.

I walk into the office full of people, noise, and life, yet I hear nothing. As I’m trapped inside the isolated world that has forced itself upon me. People do speak to me, and I do respond, yet never get truly engaged. It’s not that I’m not polite or not able to answer them, but my politeness and intellect are misplaced inside my own reality. Is my isolation truly forced upon me? Or do I welcome it?

No, I protect myself with these walls of isolation. This is my comfort zone. I created a new existence within these walls to shelter myself from the real world. The world which had hurt me, and now I’ve my own reality, and how can I be hurt outside of that? The things don’t exist to me anymore? This is the only way I can survive in this world so filled with threats; Disappointment, rejection, fear of the unknown, and many more. But the question is, was I the same always? 

The phone rings breaking my solitude. I was so lost in my world that I didn’t notice that I got four missed calls from this unknown number, but before I could pick it, it missed.

“Five missed calls in a row! Seems something important for someone.” I called back, and it connects just after one ring. It had been a long for me to get five missed calls in a row, as these days my existence hardly matters for any.

“Hi, It’s me, Manvi!!”

The voice shook the inner me so hard that the walls of my isolation were about to fall. The voice I wished was mine, the voice which kept me awake even after a long tiring day. Manvi - “One who poses all best qualities”, is the definition given by Google, but for me, the name had a different value. Yes, she poses all the best qualities. She is best at getting irritated in a situation easily. Best in ordering the oddest dish on the menu, and even best in making me eat that while she is eating the normal one which I’ve ordered. She is the best on a debate as anything will exist or happen only because she had said so, even if she says a dog as a unicorn, it turns into a unicorn. She is the best when she hugs me, closer and tighter, making me feel as if I’m is the only one she needs. She is the best when she understands that when something is wrong, it should be we together against the problem and not me versus her. Paler than the moon with eyes that shine like stars. Honestly, what could be cooler than somebody that you share your desires, interests, and your unfiltered self. I can be a normal dorky and weird self around her. Self-Absorbed, Manipulative, Humble, Empathetic, Caring, Perceptive, and Intelligent. Filled with lots of drama but very much go with the flow and fun. She is best at understanding me in ways most people don’t. She marvels at my strength and adores my scars. I can be myself around her. She is a renaissance girl inability and a nymph in personality. To have a curious and provocative mind, an encompassing intellect, a wide range of interests, and above all, a logical mindset. That is, not to mention, the ability to succeed in any area where she so desires. Neither art nor science, presents any challenge to her, whether it is singing or reading, learning, and thinking, she will embrace each form and possesses a considerable degree of proficiency in all.

I couldn't point out all the emotions that flooded within a second. I drove down in the pool of liquid nitrogen. A thorn of the past dagger in my chest. Her effect was so hard that it shattered the false persistence of myself living inside me, still acting normal trying hard not to broke in front of her I disconnected the phone, fighting back tears and failing. 

It feels like the wrong thing. But it’s not. And this is something we are rarely taught to do. It’s assumed we’ll be victims of our feelings, and have to endure them. The fact is if you let them rule your actions and your reactions, you lose. In the wake of an emotional rupture like that, I sought the unwavering support of my friends, who rallied around me, even coddled me. They’re angels in a crisis, loyal as Pitbulls. They told me all the things I felt like I needed to hear. This is the role of friends: to turn in the wagons, nurse you back to health, point out the flaws, and, in many ways, hang lights in your darkest corners. The short answer is, You shouldn’t have to talk someone into loving you. In fact, you can’t. It doesn’t work that way. I knew I have strong feelings for her. But she didn’t reciprocate. Time to cut it off and move on. Not easy, but what’s the alternative?