The Shemham Forest Incident (Spoof, Parody, Satire)

The Shemham Forest Incident (Spoof, Parody, Satire)

When it all started, summarized from a less academic perspective, it was a bunch of occult crazed, badly costumed retards in denial rushing into a forest. Badly prepared for survival, high on drugs, and unaccustomed to the local flora and fauna, they had their very own Blair Witch Hysteria, and later clashed with local teenagers, who most probably finished them off and then denied all partaking in those crimes. Another trick is renaming by localization. People speaking English got dished English first names, while people from India got the same reports with names much more fitting their own language. Even though it was pretending to be one report about specific persons. The bored masses across the planet did not care. 

Now, of course, we got the usual media reportage, the police interviews, and nice video streams of crime scene investigations. Many, with detailed reciting of the scientific facts and teachings. But, if one is simply honest about it: Those just meant they all made, what got them paid. They got involved only because it meant more money than sitting before a TV screen like another useless bloke!

So, in autumn 1999 a group of occult crazed idiots got themselves into trouble and killed, after loud mouthing about their super-secret quest into the Shemham Forest. In the spring of the year 2000, a pagan group allied with a witch cult moved into the area, and excluding the fuss, they attempted to money milk the event and lure tourists. This includes small-scale drug trafficking to fake mystical experiences, sex orgies, and delusional ramblings, which many of us know from those outright fraudulent found footage horror videos.

In 2001 police was forced to start a new investigation, as some survivors of supposed cannibal attacks had injuries warranting police interference. Over a period of six months, this resulted in the pagans and the witches cravenly withdrawing to repeat their memorized bullshit gone batshit elsewhere.

The Shemham Forest got growing notoriety for paranormal activity, young adult parties, and the typical solitary killer kinda tales, which were often called true crime or real ghost stories.

In 2002 then, a Satanic Church, a Luciferian Temple, and an Unholy Mosque started their immature struggle and infighting about luring gullible members, and fame phishing the Shemham Forest notoriety.

The pseudo-religious sex party repetition went mostly unscathed until in 2006 a major corporation was into real estate and soil enrichment. This fraudulent business scam could not tolerate inferior competition, so an assassination series targeting the Satanic funders and leaders started. The murders and vanishings spawned further rumors and pseudo legends about the Shemham Forest.

In the winter of 2007 the corporation was driven off, as the law had failed to arrest any culprits, but the locals, forewarned due to fracking news in the media, continued to look for help against the corporate infestation. That help came when a group of bored internet porn stars negotiated preferable conditions to which the locals agreed. The porn people, glamorous and seemingly gorgeous, got their own part of the housing around Shemham Forest, where they could operate their internet money mills mostly undisturbed.

Life went on, some animals recovered, new trees were planted, and for two years everything went back to routine. Or so it seemed. While the locals recovered and rebuilt their lives, the bored internet community of the paranormal and found footage faction grew displeased. Shemham Forest was made to be a convenient event platform from the start, and now it was so boring one could send the own grandparents there to retire.

What was needed was some bloody reopening. The kind, which every bored teenager could come up with. It took the form of a documentary crew and the subsequent journalists finding themselves targets of brutal murders by costumed brutes babbling occult sermon. Those fake brutes being mostly young adults, a lot of rape was involved and a lot of drunken stupors were glorified. The uncut videos showing the full depravity found their way to teenager smartphones even before they arrived on the Dark Web.

The victory celebration of those young adult criminals was foul played due to a surprise attack by African Witches. Leaving the male party-goers castrated, leaving the female victims either enslaved or killed. Before police were even alerted a real witch cult had already fled the area, and most probably also fled the country. The death toll was only 54 people, who were all known criminals due to their own selfies and videos proving them part of the problem.

This latter incident made the old, faked legend of Shemham Forest once more go viral, as younger generations learned about it, and older people saw their supposed chance to money milk the young. Luckily, the breach left by Aleister Crowley, Gerald Gardner, and Carlos Castaneda was absolutely not filled. The Occult hype had no leadership, whichever practiced any functional occult successful enough to come up with more than treachery, media manipulation, and crime.

After that crap, the mayors of towns surrounding the Shemham Forest came up with their own funding plan. Adding another well-known Evil to the legend. Politics. Shemham Forest became a Wildlife Park, with many of the park rangers being former police officers, who were no longer up for duty due to injuries from all those crime sprees in bad disguises.

And so it remained to this very day. Because, as I told you early on in this little fairy tale gone boring reciting of data, they all were only after what got them paid. 

Or, so it seems: When did you spend your last night out there, in Shemham Forest, dear? And, remember well: You will always get excuses and theories, but you will never ever get the truth dished freely.